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Punk-Run Food Bank Mostly Stuff Stolen From Target

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — Punk-owned and operated food bank Rise Above has suddenly become a beacon of hope for a local community, due mostly to the fact its shelves are stocked with items stolen from Target, neighbors have reported.

“Food insecurity is growing at an alarming rate, and it was clear that we needed to do more for our community. That’s why we’ve partnered with local street punks to source only the best quality food and produce from Target and straight up run out without paying. They put lots of smaller stores out of business, and we feel brazen thievery is the most ethical route,” said food bank director Jim Stuart. “Our neighbors don’t have to worry about anyone getting caught, since we have a rotating list of new volunteers to kife everything from fresh fruit to baby formula. Food is a human right, and Target is not a human so it can afford to lose a few bucks.”

Members of the community were grateful for the food bank’s efforts to stick it to the man.

“It’s stressful not knowing where your next meal is going to come from. As a Target employee myself, it’s been hard to afford food on my salary after they jacked up prices due to ‘inflation’ or whatever. Rise Above always has name-brand stuff and is always blasting good shit like Gorilla Biscuits,” said Jane Graham. “Watching the punk community bootstrap itself to combat hunger gives my family hope. And if they need people to volunteer telling them when security usually goes on lunch or which cameras to avoid, I’m more than happy to pay it forward.

Experts in the nonprofit sector indicated that shoplifting will soon likely be one of the most utilized sourcing methods for urban food banks.

“Altruism is still alive and well in this country, but with a massive uptick in people going hungry and limited access to public transportation, simpler means of stocking food banks have also grown. So now we have more organizations ‘Robin Hooding’ by stealing from the mega-conglomerates who’ve created these food deserts. And if I’m being honest, it’s working out pretty damn well,” said Nate Williams from Charity Navigator. “I’ve personally seen punks posing as truck drivers and delivering trailers of food to pop-up food banks behind bowling alleys and dive bars. They’re doing God’s work.”

As of press time, Rise Above announced that effective immediately they will also be carrying small electronics, mainstream band tees, and cosmetics.