Whether you like it or not, everyone is talking about cryptocurrencies. Even in Springfield. No one knows for sure what the future holds for digital money and whether investing in it is even sound financial advice. But if we know anything about the future, it’s that “The Simpsons” probably predicted it first. That being said, here’s the definitive ranking of characters from “The Simpsons” based on how likely they are to invest in crypto and not keep their digital currency portfolios to their damn selves.
50. Rainier Wolfcastle
The McBain actor would absolutely not invest in crypto because he once saw a commercial with Matt Damon promoting it, and Rainier is still soured by the fact that Damon beat him out for the lead in the “Bourne Identity” movies.
49. Abe Simpson
Old people do not invest in crypto. They accumulated wealth by being born at the right time and believing they worked hard for it, while not realizing they only needed one part-time job to afford a house, two cars, and seven children. The rest of us will have to gamble our money in the stock market in hopes of one day living slightly above the poverty line.
48. Chief Wiggum
Clancy Wiggum would definitely not invest in “cryptozoology” or “kryptonite” or whatever it is people are talking about. Boy, would he like to understand why everyone keeps bringing it up though.
47. Marge Simpson
Marge seems like she is skeptical of every opportunity that is presented to her. Bitcoin will be no different. She’s going to pass on it because she doesn’t quite get why it’s better than a good old fashioned quarter fresh from the mint.
46. Hans Moleman
This man stopped acquiring new information during the Carter administration. The thought of something called Ethereum might just kill him.
45. Moe Szyslak
Moe is staunchly anti-cryptocurrency, mainly because an anonymous source once called him at the bar about something called Titcoin and he thought for sure he was getting pranked with a made-up name, so he hung up and unplugged the phone for the rest of the week and kept his shotgun pointed at the door.
44. Mayor Joe Quimby
Mayor Quimby primarily gets money from lobbyists and corporate sponsors who want him to do his bidding, which is quite lucrative. That’s just how the government works now. He doesn’t say a word about that part though.
43. Disco Stu
Disco Stu does not have extra money to invest after blowing it all on a custom-made disco ball that hangs above his bed. He’s got his priorities, albeit questionable by non-1970s standards.
42. Rod and Todd Flanders
These total nerds are happy just being alive and can’t be bothered obsessing about getting ahead financially. They’re too busy being grateful for the life they already have. Fucking dorks.
41. Cletus Spuckler
Cletus just can’t quite grasp the concept of a type of money that you can’t see, that’s not exactly money, yet can be used as money, but also not used as money in normal places where you would use money. Seriously, it’s not that hard, dude.
40. Superintendent Chalmers
Chalmers is currently superintending eight school districts, and he deep down hates every single one of the principals. No time to invest his physical money in digital money.
39. Jasper Beardley
A large portion of Jasper’s life savings is being likely siphoned off by health insurance companies. Someone should probably do something about old people being taken advantage of and gradually sucked dry financially by predatory third parties.
38. Barney Gumble
Barney prefers to invest in more immediate, consumable, and physical stocks, like Duff beer. He may be hammered on his investments and in desperate need of a friend group who doesn’t enable him, but at least he’s not cornering you at the bar to talk about something called ETFs.
37. Miss Hoover
Miss Hoover makes a teacher’s salary and on top of that has to buy her own school supplies. This is not a recipe for personal cryptocurrency enterprises.
36. Sideshow Bob
If you’re someone who spends all your time plotting and enacting revenge, there’s a good chance that wealth-building strategies aren’t top of mind. Attempted murder is at least a more interesting topic of conversation than a digital currency that is personally endorsed by Ashton Kutcher, who also endorsed Danny Masterson.
35. Otto Mann
Otto still uses a Walkman to listen to music on cassette. He has yet to step into the digital age where we pay streaming services for music instead of artists themselves. There’s just no way crypto is on this guy’s radar.
34. Groundskeeper Willie
No one quite knows for sure Willie’s stance on crypto. This is essentially due to the fact that not a single person seeks out his opinion on financial decisions. Or anything, really. Why start now?
33. Kirk Van Houten
Kirk was the only person in existence who somehow capitalized on the Beanie Baby investment craze in the ‘90s, but he’s not able to tell anyone about it because it’s embarrassing as hell. This man is a vault when it comes to investments.
32. Mr. Burns
Montgomery got rich in the more traditional way of exploiting workers for profit and personal gain. Making money through volatile crypto investments just doesn’t have the same feel to it.
31. Ned Flanders
Ned primarily invests in his small business called The Leftorium which he owns and operates. How this store stays afloat at the Springfield Mall is anyone’s guess. On the other hand, if a store called Lids that seems to sell baseball hats exclusively is still alive and well then anything is possible. Unless of course The Leftorium and Lids are both fronts for money laundering schemes. Then that explains everything.
30. Dr. Julius Hibbert
Financial health is just as important to Dr. Hibbert as physical health. In his medical opinion, you shouldn’t invest in something you don’t fully understand. Nevertheless, he mainly recommends you invest in yourself, which is great advice if you can ever figure out what the hell that even means.
29. Bumblebee Man
Pedro Chespirito is a total wildcard. He has his own slapstick comedy show, seemingly always dresses up as a bee even when not on set, and he’s even on a bowling team where he wears a bowling shirt over his bumblebee costume. Your guess is as good as mine on this guy.
28. Waylon Smithers
Smithers is a practical man. He puts his money in a high yield savings account and plays the long game. He will talk about how he has a 4.35% interest return, but no one will know what the hell he’s talking about. Like, what’s a savings account?
27. Helen Lovejoy
Helen is currently protesting the evils of crypto. She can’t explain what it is or why it’s evil, but it must be nefarious if it’s new and she can’t comprehend it in simple, faith-based terms.
26. Kent Brockman
Kent will actually speak about crypto during the news itself, but only because one of those digital currency companies paid to be an advertiser. The primary purpose of the news is to plug whatever entity gives them the most money to promote the product they’re selling. This is not Kent’s fault.
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