25. Lisa Simpson
Bitcoin mining is responsible for a good chunk of climate change. That’s a hard pass for Lisa. She will most certainly talk about that side of crypto relentlessly, and we will only listen when it’s already too late to do anything about the environmental damage.
24. Nelson Muntz
Nelson only does NFTs, even though it seems like we’ve moved beyond that as a society. Yes, he will talk about the image of a cartoon ape he bought that’s wearing a beanie and smoking a cigarette, and how it could eventually be worth dozens of dollars in a few decades.
23. Fat Tony
Springfield somehow has a local mob, and Fat Tony just loves his criminal enterprises. You can definitely do some illegal stuff with crypto, which piques the interest of Tony. He will indeed never shut the hell up about it, but if you ever said a word about his illicit practices to anyone you might end up “sleeping with the three-eyed fishes.”
22. Bart Simpson
Bart seems like he’d be crypto-adjacent. He doesn’t necessarily invest in it, but he does operate a meme account on Instagram where he almost exclusively posts content with Leonardo DiCaprio from “The Wolf of Wall Street” alongside inspirational quotes for bros. It has half a million followers.
21. Sideshow Mel
Mel surprisingly talks about crypto but does so in an almost eloquent Shakespearean tone while using his slide whistle for effect. No one will know whether to be annoyed or charmed.
20. Reverend Lovejoy
The Lord doesn’t say anything about digital currencies in the Bible, yet the reverend does slip the subject into sermons from time to time so people don’t nod off. They do anyway because it’s impossible to make crypto or Christianity sound interesting.
19. Edna Krabappel
Ms. Krabappel is more likely to complain about crypto than anything else. That still counts as never shutting the hell up about it, even though she doesn’t invest in cyrpto at all.
18. Troy McClure
You might remember Troy McClure from several failed investment ventures like going all in on video rental stores in 2008 or the flip phone in 2009. He most recently did a commercial for the fraud-riddled cryptocurrency exchange known as FTX, which has since gone bankrupt. This man can’t catch a break.
17. Maggie Simpson
If Maggie is capable of shooting Mr. Burns then she can sure as shit open up a Robinhood account. But she can’t talk about it because she’s a toddler. Thankfully.
16. Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
Apu is one of those people who invested in Bitcoin when it first came out and sold it just before it tanked, so he made a handsome ROI. He talks about crypto only in the practical sense that people should’ve invested in it years ago before it was trendy.
15. Seymour Skinner
Principal Skinner just wants to seem cool in front of the children and especially Superintendent Chalmers, so he tries to use buzzwords that he thinks might impress them. He currently thinks we are in a “bull market with an initial coin offering in a tokenless ledger or mimblewimble.” Just say “Bitcoin” and be done with it.
14. Snake Jailbird
Snake kind of likes this Sam Bankman-Fried guy because he once met him in prison when they were on the same kickball team together. Snake will mainly talk about the illegal side of crypto, which is much more interesting than hearing about anyone’s personal stock portfolio.
13. Professor Frink
Professor Frink is the only person in Springfield who can explain blockchain. Still, nobody he speaks to can quite grasp the concept. That said, he doesn’t invest a penny in it, but that doesn’t mean he can’t talk about how it theoretically works and, in his mind, dazzle everyone with the wonders of computer science.
12. Comic Book Guy
Comic Book Guy actually invests in Tesla stock exclusively. That’s somehow even worse. He would talk about Elon Musk and the Cybertruck every third interaction at the store. It’s surprisingly effective with comic book nerds.
11. Patty Bouvier and Selma Bouvier
Patty and Selma will check to see if Marge is investing in cryptocurrencies and do the exact opposite to be contrary. That means they need to talk about it constantly, but only for spite purposes. This goes to show that you never know who among us invests in digital currencies. Everyone is a suspect.
10. Dr. Nick Riviera
Dr. Nick is considered a quack among his peers, but he speaks with such confidence that whatever batshit thing he says seems 100% accurate. That’s how everyone who leaves his office starts an investment in Toncoin.
9. Ralph Wiggum
This kid is a straight D student, which means he’ll likely grow up to call himself an entrepreneur without actually doing any entrepreneurial endeavors, which means he will dabble in risky investment trends like crypto, which means he just can’t shut the hell up about it. Give it time.
8. Duffman
Duffman is a beloved figure in the drinking community, yet he just can’t keep his mouth shut about crypto because he just got a side hustle as the spokesperson and mascot for a company called Coinbase. At least he’ll always hand you a beer or two from his booze belt before going on at length about something called decentralization. Unfortunately, being nicely buzzed surprisingly doesn’t help when forced into a discussion about crypto.
7. Jimbo Jones, Dolph Starbeam, Kearney Zzyzwiz
These guys are prototypical bullies so they are extremely impressionable to “get rich quick” schemes. They would for sure invest in crypto with the extra funds they receive from stealing lunch money. That is basically how billionaires operate.
6. Lenny Leonard and Carl Carlson
Lenny and Carl would go into the crypto investment together, much like you would buy a lottery ticket with coworkers and split the profits. However, they only invested 25 bucks each and that’s it. Still, they’re pretty confident how rich they’re going to get one day and remind you at the watercooler daily.
5. Milhouse Van Houten
Milhouse would perhaps surprisingly invest in digital currencies, only he’d buy one that sounds like the store brand version that no one’s heard of. He talks about how frugal he’s being by investing in something called Ravencoin.
4. Krusty the Clown
Life as a clown is not as lucrative as one would think. Krusty learned that the hard way and is just trying to make up for it by parking his money in Tether. In fact, he just released a special episode of his show where he gave live up-to-the-minute updates of his crypto’s performance, only to be interrupted by a 60-second clip of Itchy breathing the ever-living shit out of Scratchy. A much-needed relief.
3. Kang and Kodos
If anyone is going to invest in crypto it’s intergalactic martians hellbent on dominating planet Earth monetarily. They will most certainly discuss their portfolio while they have you hostage during a routine abduction. A probing might actually be preferable though because at least there’s a chance you’d pass out during it and not have to hear about investment trends.
2. Martin Prince
Martin diversifies his allowance, 25% of which goes to Ethereum. Another 15% will go into a 401(k) that no one will know how he opened at his age. He will go on and on about how he’ll be a millionaire by 28. That little shit.
1. Homer Simpson
Homer thought for sure he invested in crypto but in reality he just fell for a phishing scam that made him believe he was. He will lose thousands of dollars and mainly talk about that part constantly. Lousy, rotten crypto.
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