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Amazing: This Hungover Person Is Never Going To Drink Again for the Rest of Their Life

With god as his wittiness, Michael Towne will never wake up violently hungover lying in a bed of empty White Claws and crushed potato chips ever again, and this time he means business.

You’re probably thinking, “Yeah right, I’ve heard this one before,” but you’re wrong. This time is completely different from the time he vowed to be sober following the fireworks incident last year, the time he woke up in his landlady’s bed two weeks ago, and the time he woke up dazed and confused in a pair of bowling shoes on Wednesday.

In between minuscule sips of Gatorade and sprinting to the bathroom every fifteen minutes, he is planning a clean streak so meaningful, it’ll make Robert Downey Jr’s recovery look like a crock of California sober bullshit. Not only is he planning on staying sober for the rest of his life, but he’s also planning to run a 5k and get his car registered.

Don’t let his contorted body writhing over the porcelain pony fool you. Imbued with the urgent need for self-improvement that only a crippling hangover can inspire, Towne has already downloaded three sober tracking apps and applied for membership at a local rock climbing gym. This man is about to transform into a pinnacle of willpower upon which other drunken losers can rest their weary heads.

Looking back, it’s hard for Towne to recognize the person he used to be last night. The new Towne would never stand for that kind of reckless hedonism. Time to say goodbye to pissing in houseplants, leaving the stove on all night, and calling your happily married ex-girlfriend 26 times to confess your undying love for her, because today is a new day.

Of course, there will be some minor exceptions for his sober future. There’s a bachelor party coming up in July that will require some heavy drinking and a two-week-long trip to Italy that will undoubtedly include some wine tastings. Still, we’re sure by then he’ll probably learn to drink moderately, and as they say in AA, “progress, not perfection.”