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The Hold Steady’s Children’s Book Mostly About Blacking Out at Minneapolis Dive Bars

NEW YORK — A preview of the upcoming children’s book based on the lyrics of The Hold Steady’s “Stay Positive” revealed a majority of the plot would revolve around the characters partying and getting wasted at Minneapolis dive bars, sources confirmed.

“It was such a delight to translate the band’s lyrics into a book that will teach kids a lesson in friendship and overcoming adversity. I wanted to ensure that it was on brand with characters from the Hold Steady catalog, so many of the illustrations are of armadillos and sheep getting shitfaced in South Minneapolis dive bars,” said illustrator David Espinosa. “I mean, the line ‘it’ll probably get druggy’ appears pretty early in the song, and as an artist I have to respect their vision and depict boozing with old friends and doing whippets in the bathroom because it’s too damn cold to do anything else.”

Lead singer Craig Finn was impressed at how Espinosa captured the band’s essence in only 32 pages.

“You know me, I gotta do something for the kids, and this was a great way to pass the torch to a new generation of partiers. David got every little detail right, from meeting a friend of a friend to buy molly behind an old pawn shop, down to loading up a jukebox with Hüsker Dü at the CC Club,” said Finn. “I think most of our songs would translate well into children’s literature. We’re already pitching another one based on ‘Sequestered in Memphis’ where a common loon migrates to Austin and hooks up with a pigeon who committed tax fraud.”

The book’s publisher had little doubt the book would be a hit amongst kids and parents alike.

“The Hold Steady fucking rule, so I am very excited for this to come out, mostly because this might be the best time to be a kids book publisher. If you haven’t noticed lately, making picture books out of classic rock songs has been a massive hit amongst older millennials who want to feel cool again. I saw they’re turning ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’ into a bedtime storybook, for Christ’s sake,” said editor Jane Wilkins. “We have so many of these things in the pipeline now. Just the other day I greenlit a story about an adorable pig based on Dead Kennedys ‘Police Truck.’ The kids are gonna be alright.”

As of press time, the band announced anyone who preorders the book will receive a six-pack of Grain Belt Beer and the number of a roadie who toured with The Replacements.