NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump proudly declared that unlike Robert F. Kennedy Jr., his brain worms were still alive and “very strong,” sources confirmed during a brief recess at his hush money trial.
“Did you hear RFK’s brain worm died? Very sad…many people are talking about how weak his brain worm was. I wouldn’t know, I saw a doctor yesterday and you know what he said? Mr. President, you have the strongest and most brain worms I’ve ever seen,” said Trump, pointing to a supporter holding a ‘Make Brains Wormed Again’ sign. “It was so big he had trouble telling what was worm and what was brain, it was very impressive to him. He said RFK’s pathetic brain wouldn’t survive five minutes with my worms. Maybe I’ll show you. Should I show you the brain worms, folks?”
Trump supporters quickly rallied to get their own brain worms to support the former President’s ongoing campaign for a second term.
“We heard you loud and clear Mr. President, and I’ll proudly answer the call by getting my own TrumpWorm. I’m calling on every true patriot out there to help Donald Trump drain the swamp by drinking #swampwater4trump,” said MAGA patriot Blake Corman, filming himself dunking his head into a stagnant golf course pond and uploading it to Truth Social. “There’s a ton of scientific evidence out there that explains the benefits of brain worms. Humans only use ten percent of their brains, but this astrozoologist on Joe Rogan explained that brain worms eat away at the barrier tissue that helps you access more raw brain power.”
Independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. quickly fired back against Trump’s assertions that his brain worm died because it was feeble and unpresidential.
“My brain worm was not weak and small, it was so big that Timothee fucking Chalamet could have ridden it across my brain,” said an enraged Kennedy Jr., snorting more worms from a medical vial. “In fact, I’ve just ingested several more brain worms and any one of them would mop the floor with Trump’s brain worms on the debate stage. So how about it, Donald? You and me, wormo a wormo at the Libertarian National Convention. No, that’s too easy for someone of my worm’s intellect—I’ll cut it in half and have each end debate Trump and Biden’s brain worms at the same time.”
At press time, vials of TrumpWorms were already available on sale for a low price of $399.99 on Trump’s website.