5 Times Danny Tanner’s End of Episode Heart-to-Heart With Michelle Did More Harm Than Good

Posted on by Daniel Freborg

Throughout its original 8 Season run, the beloved sitcom “Full House” was a reliable source of life advice, the majority of which came from head of household Danny Tanner. However, there were a number of times Danny’s guidance, especially that given to youngest daughter Michelle, was misplaced, to say the least. These unfortunate instances are mostly forgotten by audiences but let this list remind you that the happy-go-lucky Danny Tanner was an imperfect man who occasionally revealed the troubling thoughts lurking underneath his sunny exterior.

S1.E17 ∙ Danny’s Very First Date

Danny uses a disturbing episode from his youth to illustrate to Michelle how going along with the crowd isn’t always the best path to take. Danny used his time as a wayward teen living on Spahn Ranch with Charles Manson as a teachable example after his daughter was caught cheating in class. “Michelle, I woke up one morning in a heap of naked freaks to find Charlie shooting me up with amphetamines while glaring into my eyes and commanding that I go with Tex and Squeaky to cut up those piggies in Benedict Canyon. Now, would doing speed all day and going on a murderous rampage have been the right choice for Daddy to make, just because everyone else was? No, honey. It’s best to follow your heart and think for yourself.”

S6.E14 ∙ Michelle’s Lemonade Stand

Danny explains that it’s more fulfilling to earn money than be given it, so Michelle opens a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of their home. Sadly, she attracts few customers. In a glum mood, Michelle seeks comfort from Danny while they sit next to her nearly full pitcher of lemonade. “Michelle, the invisible hand of the market simply declared your lemonade to be an unworthy investment for thirsty people. I know you’re merely a toddler but it’s high time you understand the power of capitalism. It’s the only god we worship in this house. On second thought, forget about the lemonade. Just make friends at school with the kids in the expensive onesies and fleece them for all they’re worth.”

S4.E11 ∙ “The Poem”

With the help of her preschool teacher Michelle wrote a basic poem about the important things in the life of a small child. She excitedly shares it with Danny, who reacts less like a caring father than snide literature critic. “Michelle, I know you may think rhyming ‘trees’ with ‘bees’ is somehow special, but it’s trite fluff compared to the brilliant couplets of Ferlinghetti’s ‘Wild Dreams Of A New Beginning.’ I mean, seriously, what is revealed about the essence of man by rhyming ‘car’ with ‘star?’ Your scribbles don’t stir my spirit like ‘Beyond the cloverleaf turnoffs / Souls eat souls in the general emptiness.’ Sweetie, your poem wouldn’t even make the bargain bin at City Lights.”

S2.E8 ∙ “Out Of Reach”

It’s one of those days when the kids are just not getting along with each other. Stephanie grabbed Michelle’s favorite matchbox car and held it high in the air out of Michelle’s reach. She runs to Danny for help. He listens briefly but then shifts the topic to himself. “Michelle honey, I understand your frustration. You could say that Uncle Jesse and Joey have been holding something above your daddy’s head for a long time. Something awful. Something that forces me to give those bums free room and board in our home. Have you heard the term blackmail before, Michelle? Those two conniving bastards claim to know something about Daddy that he absolutely cannot allow the world to know. Don’t worry, it’s definitely not about your mother’s mysterious death.”

S7.E19 ∙ “Gone Away For Good?”

In her preschool class, Michelle gets in trouble for the first time. During circle time her teacher confiscates the toy Michelle snuck from home. After school Danny finds Michelle not her usual cheery self. “Oh honey, I know it saddens my little girl but the teacher was right to put your toy in her desk. I know how it hurts to have things taken from you. Remember when Daddy’s girlfriend Vicky got scared that I simply unholstered my concealed .45 during that scary argument? She got hysterical and so the police came into our kitchen and took Daddy’s gun that he worked really hard for and had all the proper paperwork for and everything. They had no right god dammit, no right! At least you got your toy back at the end of the day.”

Studio Banter Left on Album Really Highlighting Band’s Insufferability in Whole New Way

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

SAN DIEGO — The in-studio banter left on the latest album by post-space-rock outfit Hadron Collision showed just how much range the group has in terms of being unbearable douche-heads, several sources shaking their heads in disbelief reported.

“I used to think this band was bad enough when they were just making 12-minute dirges of phaser abuse and the lead singer sounding like Todd Rundgren inhaled Shannon Hoon,” hate-listener Nadia Hockley said. “But then at the end of one of their pompous ‘suites,’ it’s just them goofing around and saying shit like ‘That’s gonna be a number one on the TikTok!’ in this fake-British accent. What the fuck is that? Before I thought they were just kinda up their own asses creatively but now I’m judging them as people and anyone who goes to bat for them.”

Hadron Collision frontman Gavin Crest explained the decision to keep the banter, including 30 seconds of obnoxious laughter leading into the following track’s arpeggiated guitar intro, on the final album.

“Our band has long had a reputation for being humorless and self-impressed. And while we do our best to present ourselves as if we’re some kind of artistic innovators by basically just taking Spacemen 3 songs and adding random melodic breakdowns, we wanted to show we’re not afraid to loosen up,” Crest said. “Me and [drummer] Adrian [Lucas] even do this thing during our shows where I say ‘On drums, Lars Ulrich!’ and he does the worst fill while yelling ‘Fuck Napster!’ It’s hilarious. If only our audiences agreed.”

Rock historian Harold Parker cited the history of bands furthering their mythos through retaining nuggets of recording goofiness on their finished works.

“While it’s debatable as to whether say, the coughing at the end of ‘In My Time of Dying’ or John Lennon saying ‘Sweet Loretta Fart’ at the beginning of ‘Get Back’ are necessary, they’re at least short and attached to songs that are actually good,” Parker said. “Whereas Hadron Collision used to be unintentionally hilarious at times because of how serious they took themselves, their attempts to be genuinely funny truly fill me with despair. And I’ve twice paid to see Ninja Sex Party live.”

At press time, Hadron Collision disappointed fans even further by announcing that their next album would include multiple tracks that were full-blown skits.

Privileged Person Calls Out Similarly Privileged Person for Being Privileged the Wrong Way

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

BOSTON – Local art major Tanner White is outraged by his equally privileged classmate Brent Saxon for flaunting his good fortune over those less privileged than him, sources with rich dads confirmed.

“Brent is such a fucking asshole,” said White as he naively attempted to scan his American Express Centurion Black Card instead of his student ID at the dining hall named after his father. “I’ve seen his Tesla in Goodwill parking lots because he supposedly likes ‘thrifting.’ He’s probably just trying to flip everything he buys on eBay like Gary Vee. I’ll bet you anything he’s just spending those earnings on festival tickets and molly so Mommy and Daddy don’t know their little spoiled baby is up to no good.”

Saxon, whose father the campus library is named for, doesn’t feel like he deserves to be criticized by somebody who does exactly the same shit he does but very slightly different.

“Listen, I understand that some people are less fortunate than myself, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the life that I was born into,” suggested Saxon as he searched through his weathered Patagonia bag for his weekly allowance of $32,000. “Yeah, I shop at Goodwill because I’m trying to start the very first charitable vintage lifestyle brand for the homeless. If I want to trip balls at raves every single night after a hard day’s work, what’s the problem? At least I’m contributing something to society, unlike Tanner, who is doing this completely wrong.”

Local volunteer Marnie Rozzelle weighed in on the feud, which she referred to as a “brunch-boy pissing contest.”

“I’ve seen both Tanner and Brent both get multiple DUIs without worry because their dads know the judge,” asserted Rozzelle, whose parked car was totaled by the former. “Tanner once tried to set up a luxury tent at the homeless encampment I donate food to because he wanted to ‘see what life is like on the other side.’ I’ve also seen Brent try to grill Wagyu filets over a trash-can fire at the same camp so he can ‘connect with his core clientele.’ On both occasions, it started raining, and both of them started crying because you can’t get suede shoes wet.”

At press time, White and Saxon were both spotted screaming at a delivery driver for owning a vehicle with a combustible engine.

Opinion: Having a Child Opened My Eyes to The Beauty of Scheduling 8 a.m. Meetings for All My Coworkers

Posted on by John Danek

The miracle of childbirth changes you instantly. When I first saw my goopy baby and heard its cries, my heart swelled; I knew life would be forever different.

Specifically, I would never miss an opportunity to schedule an 8 a.m. all hands meeting ever again. When my baby rises at 4:45 in the morning, so do I. There was a time when I fancied myself a night owl, but it turns out I do my best thinking in the morning. And I’m going to help all of my coworkers come to this realization for themselves.

When I look into my little Markston’s eyes, I feel an intense responsibility to care for this gorgeous living being. And that love now exists for the twentysomethings I manage at the digital advertising firm where I work. They are very appreciative of my meeting start time change. Many of them followed up my meeting invite with confirmation, asking “Are you sure 8 a.m. is the best time for this?” It’s so rewarding to see how meticulous my crew is.

Even though Markston is my firstborn, sometimes I really feel like the father of 32 budding minds. I share my love for them by sending early morning deliverable requests before the sun is up, even if the new hires and interns are hungover or still drunk from the previous night’s mandatory social hour. Sometimes the best love is tough love.

When my wife gave birth, it filled a void in my heart and my time off explanations. I used to feel the need to justify and over-explain vacation requests or last-minute appointments. Now I can just blast a message to my team saying “Kiddo…” with a frowny face emoji and no one dares question it. Or I can just approve my own 2-week “family vacation” while denying requests for “spring break.” If my staff can’t take their time outside of work seriously, how can they expect me to?

To all the childless late sleepers, just know this- having a child doesn’t make me better than you. Unless we’re considering contributions to the human race as a whole, then yeah, it’s kinda hard to argue that I’m not.

But really… why should we box ourself in to an 8 a.m. start time? Is it really that different from 7:30? Sorry, I have a meeting invite to update.

Ben and Jerry’s Collaborate With Mac DeMarco to Release Cigarette and Black Coffee Ice Cream

Posted on by Ian Steffé

WATERBURY, Vt. — Ben and Jerry’s announced they joined forces with indie rock musician/gas station attendant Mac DeMarco to unveil a new flavor to their summer lineup: “Breakfast of Champions,” a cigarette and black coffee ice cream.

“I don’t actually remember doing this, but I guess that’s cool,” DeMarco mused when we asked for comment, his face bearing the imprint of his sweatshirt from sleeping on his couch. “I mean, I could totally see myself coming up with this. I believe you. I mean, my face is right there on the carton. But I sort of have a lot of projects going at the same time. This is great, and I bet it tastes really good, I just have no idea how this even came to fruition.”

Alex Gilblom of the Ben and Jerry’s test kitchen provided some expert insight into the creation and test processes.

“This was one we had a lot of fun making. We have a base of Irish creme black coffee from Circle K that we age for a few days in a somewhat sterile environment. Then there’s a marshmallow swirl, complemented with free-range ashes we collect up from nearby mall ashtrays. Then we dip Lucky Strike filters in tempered smoked chocolate, and finish it with little menthol-flavored camel-shaped candies. The whole flavor profile should harken to the butt cup Mac has in his ‘93 Toyota Corolla.”

However, not all reactions to this avant-garde flavor have been positive, including local fan Brandon Wooster, who tried it upon release.

“Oh my God, no. I think I lasted like three bites. I mean I’m down for anything weird. But that shit tasted like–I mean I don’t want to get too poetic about it–but it tasted like Mickey Rourke. And the burning feeling, it felt like I ate one of those old thin glass Christmas ornaments,” Wooster croaked before spitting out a Canadian penny and a completely intact hot dog relish packet.
“Sorry, this keeps happening since I got out of the hospital. My doctor said it’s going to take a while before I pass whatever I ate, and I guess whatever hole it comes out of is fair game.”

Despite the criticism, this is but the first of three flavors soon to be released this summer, with “Elliott Smith’s Sticky Sock Vacation” dropping next week, and something called “Tom Waits’ Uncle Onion Sandwich” arriving shortly after.

Six Songs We Managed To Listen To This Week Before Apple Crushed The Bands’ Instruments With A Hydraulic Press

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week, another endless onslaught of new and terrifying music. We know you don’t have the time to sift through it all, so we’ve dropped everything in our busy schedules to do it for you. It would be nice if you thanked us, but you never have and you probably never will. Instead of dwelling on the fact that you’re the most ungrateful person we’ve ever met, let’s forget about it and dive right in. Here are six new songs that need to be on your radar before your friends make fun of you even more than they already do. You’re welcome.

Yambag “Mindfuck Ultra”

If you love hardcore, have limited time, and long for songs that make you feel like you’re having a literal goddamn heart attack, then Cleveland, Ohio’s Yambag is for you. Their latest album, ‘Mindfuck Ultra,’ clocks in at just ten minutes long, and each of its eleven – ELEVEN – tracks will make you feel you’ve been transported to the dirtiest, sweatiest basement known to man. We don’t want to alarm you, but seven of our writers somehow got broken noses at their desks within seconds of us putting this one on.

ROAR “The Body Is A Temple For Heavier Metal”

ROAR – the mostly solo project of Phoenix multi-instrumentalist Owen Evans – had a bit of an unexpected upswing last summer when his single ‘I Can’t Handle Change’ suddenly went viral over a decade after its initial release. Clearly in a celebratory mood, Evans has released a new album entitled ‘Knives For Aries.’ It’s a short and sweet epic that tackles uplifting themes such as: forever chemicals destroying our bodies, the exhausting grind of remaining relevant on the internet, and maintaining a ‘punk as fuck’ ethos despite becoming older and more boring in your adult life.

SWEET SPINE “time stands still”

Shoegaze Spring is yet again upon us, and we hope you’ve prepared yourself this year. If you haven’t, we’ve got you covered with South Carolina’s up and coming indie-rock trio SWEET SPINE. Their latest and aptly titled single, ‘time stands still,’ is sure to steal even more hours of your day than you usually waste. One listen and you’ll be compelled to repeat it over and over again, which is great because most medical professionals recommend at least six hours of fuzz guitars coupled with catchy-as-fuck melodies a day. Your health is important and we care.

Sorry Mom “But I’m A Quarterback”

You probably don’t remember Sorry Mom’s viral hit ‘I Fucked Yr Mom’ because it came out in 2021 and social media has slowly eroded your short term memory and recall skills since then, but that song ripped and so does Sorry Mom. Fortunately, they understand your absolute shitshow of an attention span and are showing no signs of shutting their highly productive power-pop factory. Their latest, ‘But I’m A Quarterback’ chugs along at a relentless clip before absolutely exploding right at the moment you’re thinking of checking Instagram again. Quite a feat for you.

Coheed and Cambria “The Joke”

In case you didn’t hear about it from your D&D party – don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone you still play – Coheed and Cambria have released a new B-Side, ‘The Joke.’ It’s their second one-off single since the surprise drop of the much sought after 2011 track ‘Deranged.’ Maybe it’s gone over our heads, but we have yet to find anything funny in the newly released track. To the contrary, the lyrics are actually kind of depressing. That doesn’t mean we haven’t enjoyed the trippy production and Claudio’s trademark vocal stylings, however.

Knocked Loose “The Calm That Keeps You Awake”

We’re currently posting this article from a hidden bunker in a remote area of Alaska, hundreds of miles away from any of our interns. That’s because Knocked Loose finally released their highly anticipated LP ‘You Won’t Go Before You’re Supposed To.’ Given the absolute chaos that has permeated all the lead singles, we don’t feel particularly reassured by the album title. Our paranoia was severely escalated when one of our writers punched out every window in our office and used their own blood to write the band’s name on several of the walls.

Did you know we’ve compiled these and several other songs into a convenient and disorienting playlist? Did you also know we update it every week so you never even have to try to look for new songs yourself? It’s because we love you that much, even though you don’t deserve it all. Click here to listen, follow, and share. Seriously, though. It’s the least you can do.

5 Awesome Fashion Hacks to Tell the World “I Absorbed My Twin in the Womb!”

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Fashion trends come and go, but true style is deeply personal and unique. Clothing isn’t just something you wear or use to express your superiority in terms of band tees you chose to purchase from the local Buffalo Exchange. It tells the world that here I am, and no one is like me! Especially not any twin whom you overpowered during gestation and seized their potential strength for your own!

That’s why we’ve made this list of awesome hacks that anyone can use to stand out from the crowd, especially if they want to make sure that everyone around them knows that they are the victor in the terrible in-utero battle known as the “vanishing twin syndrome!” That’s right, stick with these fashion hacks, and the whole world will know you absorbed your twin in the womb!

Invest in Capsule Wardrobe

If you’re asking what a “capsule wardrobe” is, congratulations, you’re ignorant! It’s the easiest thing in the world to go minimalist and make sure all your clothing works interchangeably, thereby showing the world that you’ve got better things to do than actively match, and one of them was absorbing your genetically identical sibling!

Forget Day to Night, Try Two Twin Fetuses to a Single Winner

Sometimes, you’ll head into the office in one outfit, knowing that you plan to rage all night on a bender of Southern Comfort-branded cocktails and cocaine. But you don’t have to worry about transitioning from one look to another if you have the confidence that comes with knowing you won your first battle even before you splashed out of your mom!

Remember, confidence is sexy, and sex is fashion.

Scarves. Always Scarves

Like Steven Tyler and Johnny Depp before you, scarves that hide your sins are key to your fashion image. But there’s no reason to hide that you need the fact that your twin, who might have become an artist or a saint, couldn’t withstand being absorbed into your very essence! If anything, you should be proud. The scarves will hide all the other terrible things you’ve done, though.

Wear a Shirt That Says, “Ask Me About How I Absorbed My Twin in the Womb, and While They May Not Have Developed into a Fully Formed Human Being, I Can Still Hear Their Vengeful Whispers in the Dark of the Night!”

It’s a conversation starter, at the very least.

Always Leave One Thing Behind, Much Like an Unborn Twin

Style icon Coco Chanel said it best: “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and remove one accessory.” For an alleged Nazi collaborator, that lady knew how to put an outfit together, and she’s right. If there’s one thing you don’t need, it’s a twin who would surely have absorbed you first if given half the chance!

Stick and Poke Artist Has Wide Range of Flash from Raccoon Saying ACAB to Pigeon Saying ACAB

Posted on by Marie Cartier

PORTLAND, Ore. – Local tattoo enthusiasts are impressed with the variety of urban scavenger and anti-police themed flash available at a new stick and poke operation by artist Katie Watson, sources unconcerned with the possibility of infection report.

“I try to keep a high standard of hygiene,” said Watson from her workspace, a yoga mat on her studio apartment floor. “I have isopropyl alcohol and a whole roll of paper towels. My sharps container is a plastic soda bottle which the people at the needle exchange said was fine. I really strive, as an artist, to keep my flash relevant to current political themes and movements, and combine that with subjects my clientele will relate to. I think my classical training shows through in this selection of work: inspirations include Emory Douglas, Goya, and of course, the animals in the dumpster behind my building.”

In times of increasing economic hardship, many are relieved to find this quality of tattoo work at an affordable price.

“This is the most legit cheap, sketchy tattoo I’ve ever gotten!” said Dan Flores, aspiring professional skater and part-time budtender. “It actually looks like what it’s supposed to: A raccoon saying ACAB. And she barely even made me bleed. My twelve roommates back in our dilapidated house are thinking of having Katie do a guest spot next month in the kitchen. She’ll make 80, maybe even 90 bucks in a single weekend.”

However, not everyone buys into the new standard Watson is setting for stick and pokes.

“I don’t see why you have to get so bougie with birds and letters,” pointed out a local man only known as Yukon Doug. “I used to tattoo tons of people and I can’t even draw. What it’s really about is trying to make an abstract design until you can’t stand the pain. It’s not like you’re gonna let it heal properly anyway. My whole mission in life, at this point, is to take the ‘posers’ out of ‘pokes.’”

At press time, Watson was seen experimenting with new drawings of bats saying “fuck the police.”

Some Recipes I Found and Also Alarming Crime in Your Area – Is This Near You? (Guest Column Sent From Your Mom’s iPad)

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Hi Sweetie,

I found some recipes I think you’ll really love. I know you said you don’t eat meat or fish anymore, so I found a few shrimp dishes for you. One of them tells you about nondairy substitutions – do you eat cheese? I can’t remember. Anyways, the Shrimp Scampi was a little too spicy for me but I know you put pepper flakes in everything I make so maybe you’ll like it. I also included a prosciutto flatbread recipe JUST IN CASE. Maybe you can make it for some of your little friends, okay? Or, you know, if you change your mind.

I heard on the news earlier that there’s been a lot of crime in your area! Lots of shoplifting, so be careful! I know you said you live Downtown – this seems to be happening in Beverly Hills. Is that close? Make sure you have your pepper spray with you. Have you been wearing the necklace we got you for high school graduation? Might be best to keep it in its box until this all blows over. I always told you living in a big city was going to be scary and it seems like the border is just a mess right now! But whatever makes you happy. Oh speaking of shopping centers, did you get that shirt your father and I sent you? I just wanted to check because we haven’t seen you wearing it in any of your Instagrams.

Did you hear that Celine Dion canceled the rest of her tour? Those poor fans. She said it was something about feeling stiff in the morning? I never liked her. Wasn’t she in that movie you like about the boat that sank? Speaking of movies, “Fried Green Tomatoes” was on TBS a few weeks ago.

I watched that gay pirate show you told me about. It made me cry! There’s a lot of interesting TV Specials coming up this month I think you might be interested in. I’m putting the link but I wrote out the entire schedule at the bottom anyways just in case.

We’re sending a care package for the cat so look out for that.

Oh also your father might have colon cancer. We’re waiting to hear back.

Love you!

Mommy

Sent from my iPad

Lone Woman in Metal Scene Completely Unaware She’s a Mother Figure to Almost Everyone

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Heavy metal fan and the lone adult female in the local metal scene, Kara Morgan, unintentionally became a maternal figure to nearly everyone in the community, anonymous sources close to the story report.

“[Morgan] is great. It’s like having a guardian angel who wears black leather and spiked gauntlets. We have become very protective of her,” remarked heavy metal fan Malcolm Hanson, wiping away a tear from his running corpse paint. “Kara’s always there to offer sage advice, lend an ear, or remind us to wear earplugs at concerts. It is really hard to show emotion around most of these guys, so it is nice to have her around. She’s the only one who remembers everyone’s birthdays and brings homemade cookies to band rehearsals. Plus, she always reminds everyone to drink water between each beer, which is essential for limiting hangovers.”

Morgan, however, remained blissfully unaware of her nurturing role within the metal scene.

“I just love the music and the community. At first, I wanted to make sure that the few girls that were around were treated nicely and taken care of. Soon, my house became like a haven for everyone,” Morgan explained after teaching a class in first-aid for pit injuries. “I had these big, bearded guys showing up wanting to learn how to cook something other than chili mac, or how to sew patches onto their jacket, or how to properly care for long hair. The thing is, I don’t really know how to do any of that shit either, but they blindly believe everything I say. Until I pick up a guitar, that’s when they all start giving me advice and tell me ‘I’m doing it wrong’ even though I’m way better than all of them. But I’m still happy to have them around, they will be embarrassed that I told you this but some just want to sit on the porch and talk shit they are going through over a few Jack & chamomile teas.”

Experts highlight the importance of nurturing figures like Morgan within tight-knit communities like the metal scene.

“Most of these people come from broken homes. They probably don’t even understand why they are gravitating towards her in the first place,” explained Dr. Emily Chang, a heavy metal sociologist. “The metal subculture is often associated with aggression and rebellion, having a maternal figure can provide a sense of stability and belonging. Kara’s presence demonstrates the multifaceted nature of identity and the power of nurturing relationships within unconventional social circles.”

As of press time, Morgan was reportedly preparing to drive a few members of the metal scene to their court hearings.