WASHINGTON — Texas Republican nominee in the 2026 U.S. Senate election Ken Paxton is currently enjoying a wide berth over Democratic opponent James Talarico among the state’s cannibalistic, chainsaw-wielding, human skin mask-wearing electorate, according to an independent poll.
“I really like this Paxton guy,” confirmed chainsaw wielding psychopath Jethro “Necrobutcher” Hurley as he removed the skin of his latest victim. “The other guy keeps talking about loving your neighbor and being a decent human being, which doesn’t really do much for us cannibalistic murderers, you know? It’s been tough for us to find victims ever since Google Maps was invented, as less people are getting lost and finding themselves at our combination gas stations/human meat barbeque stands. I’m hoping he can completely run this state into the ground and kick off some sort of diaspora. My mouth is watering at the thought of all the people who’d travel past my house if we had another Dust Bowl.”
Paxton was thrilled at the news.
“I know I have the support of all decent, God-fearing Texans, which of course includes our beloved cannibals,” said Paxton. “These are good folk we see adorned in the skins of the attractive college students who had the misfortune of happening upon their domiciles, and they’ve fallen under hard times. My opponent would probably support giving their victims tuition reimbursement or even free healthcare, which is downright shameful. I’ve even heard ‘Talafreako’ is a vegan, which we all know is a sin here in Texas. I encourage all of our state’s demented slayers to take a break from reveling in the flesh of the decomposing bodies littering their houses to come out to my rally in San Antonio next Thursday.”
Political scientist Thandiwe Carson weighed in on the development.
“It’s extremely common for Republican political candidates to receive support from horror villains,” Carson opined. “Republican senator Pete Ricketts just earned the official endorsement of Nebraska’s rogue bands of children who worship malevolent cornfield entities in his bid for reelection, and Susan Collins would not have become Maine’s senator without the ever-growing population of sentient corpses emerging from the state’s Pet Semataries. I know many Americans are in a constant state of disbelief over how their country could have reached its current situation, and this is a huge reason for that.”
At press time, Paxton was also performing well among Texas’s deformed, subterranean survivors of nuclear testing.
