Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Frugal Festival Attendee Saves Money on Drugs by Hallucinating From Heatstroke

Posted on July 13, 2022 by Jessica Lillian

MESA, Ariz. — Cash-strapped music fan Cody Pauling attempted a “free” psychedelic experience at Orbital Wire Desert Fest by skipping all substances in favor of intentionally overheating himself to the point of heatstroke-induced hallucinations, alarmed onlookers noted.

“Look, just because I’m broke, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to get the whole fest experience, man. I want to get dizzy until I puke and get totally tripped out,” said Pauling, trying to steady himself on a security railing during ska-electronica band Fritz Willow’s set. “And that punishing sunshine is 100% free! I don’t understand why more people don’t do this,” the severely dehydrated attendee slurred before drifting out of consciousness as the local air temperature soared to 102 degrees and his core bodily systems started to fail.

Fellow Orbital Wire Desert attendee Ben Korrigan, a close friend of Pawling, first noticed something was off weeks ago.

“When I was preparing for the fest I wanted to get some funds together to score some of the normal drugs, but Cody didn’t chip in and said he was ‘going for a natural high,’ for this year’s Orbital Wire, so I thought that maybe meant he was just sticking to weed,” Korrigan shouted over ambulance sirens. “But then we got here and he refused to drink any water or take off his three fleece hoodies or the aluminum foil thing he wrapped around his head. When he started slumping weirdly and turning bright red during The Squid Plasticities’ encore, I figured it out — he’s literally giving himself heatstroke instead of just paying me.”

Dr. Lenox Trafiglio says attempting to reach a hallucinatory state via intentional heat illness is extremely dangerous and is also unlikely to produce the desired effects.

“We understand that in tough economic times Americans often want to save money in their desperate attempts to reach an altered state of consciousness, but this is the worst idea I’ve heard since the ‘drinking hand sanitizer to get drunk’ trend,” she remarked. “And those were high schoolers, not a grown man who purchased a $279 premium festival ticket and presumably has access to fairly high-quality psychedelic substances.”

“You didn’t hear it from me, but honestly, just stay hydrated and pop a [moderate serving of psychoactive psilocybin mushrooms],” Dr. Trafiglio quietly added.

At press time, Pauling, whose health insurance lapsed when he was laid off last month, was being rushed in an ambulance to the nearest hospital for life-saving care expected to cost approximately $30,000.

Help! I’ve Been Getting All My Meal Ideas From Pinterest, and Now the FBI Thinks I’m the Mason Jar Killer

Posted on July 13, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

I got sucked into one of those Pinterest rabbit holes, and fell in love with the simplicity of some of the recipes the platform had to offer. 3 ingredient brownie batter cake? Sign me up. Macro-friendly overnight oats? Pass me the Kool-Aid. Leave my entire life behind in a frantic dash as I try to raise bail because my Pinterest activity somehow landed me as the prime person of interest for the unsolved string of barbaric yet calculated murders in my region known as The Mason Jar Murders? Wasn’t expecting that one!

I live in the midwest, so forgive me if I’m late to the party on this trend, but I’ve always considered myself to be something of a home Chef, and when I recently discovered Pinterest I fell in love. Unfortunately, every single recipe wants you to put your food in a mason jar. The same kind of jar that authorities have been finding severed eyeballs and fingers in as far out as Northern Nebraska, but as close as my county line here in Kansas. I’ve never been much of a true-crime guy, so I thought nothing of it as I drove to Walmart to pick up a case.

I feel like now is a good time to mention that I’m also hypoglycemic, and the excitement of a freshly jarred yogurt parfait compounded by the lack of mason jars at my place caused me to skip out on my regular evening snack as I dashed out.

As I approached the checkout counter, I was not only pale, shaky, and experiencing the usual blurred vision, but I was also hardly able to control the volume of my voice which startled the young lady at the cash register. I also figured that since I was already at the store, I might as well pick up some other things. I grabbed a sturdy shovel so I could transplant some potted plants, and I’m a bit of a neat freak, so I grabbed some comfortable gloves.

You could imagine my horror when I realized I was unknowingly stocking up on all of The Mason Jar Killer’s usual wares, minus the hack saw.

I was also fading pretty fast, so I picked up an RC Cola, which also happens to be his drink of choice according to authorities. I guess he and I are what’s keeping them afloat.

Oddly enough, the news on the radio had the latest report on The Mason Jar Killer’s last known whereabouts, and it’s crazy… he must have just been at the same Walmart as I was! Here I am, buying mason jars to store my latest batch of mead, and they could have potentially been for The Mason Jar Killer’s next batch of teeth, toenails, and hair clippings.

It all got a little wonky when I barreled through a spike strip on the freeway and was having my face pressed in the dirt by the cops. Between that, the heat, and the blaring sirens I was feeling pretty disoriented and might have shouted out some ramblings about being the avatar of Annubis, which did not help the ole’ “clearing my name” front. I just can’t wait for this thing to blow over. I found a new recipe for beet power salad with zesty tahini dressing.

Stranger Things 5 Delayed Until US Releases Strategic Reserves of 1980s References

Posted on July 13, 2022 by Nick Ortolani

LOS ANGELES — Netflix announced that the next season of its popular, nostalgia-ridden sci-fi epic “Stranger Things” will be delayed until the United States releases its strategic reserves of 1980s references.

“The lifeblood of this show are the ‘80s references and we may have overplayed our hand. We simply can’t make the show unless we shoehorn in Galaga or some other cultural touchstone that the core of our audience has never even heard of before,” remarked Duffer Brother #1. “Without a steady supply of nostalgia, how else will we gussy up Red State America during the most disastrous political decade? We need the neon colors, side ponytails, and new wave hits. Because who wants to remember brown ashtrays in McDonald’s or faux wood-paneled trash cans? ‘Stranger Things’ only works if you retcon an era into something better than it was.”

Scarcity and price gouging surrounding these sentimental resources have prompted many to encourage government intervention.

“The US has long sat on strategic reserves of 1980s references in the event of a catastrophic culture war,” declared Heather Elliot, US Secretary to Pop Culture & Nostalgia. “It is long overdue that we begin slowly tapping into these reserves to alleviate the American people. We don’t want a return to the reference lines of the 1970s. But our position in the global pop-culture economy precludes our being reference-independent. We can’t just give these out willy-nilly, they’re not tax breaks for the rich.”

Still, there are those who warn that the world’s increased consumption of 80s references is indicative of a pending global crisis.

“This path is unsustainable,” remarked Dr. Greta Deetz, professor of Nostalgia Sciences at the University of Arizona. “Season one was powered almost entirely by one ‘80s reference, the remainder being surplus from the 1970s. As the show progresses it consumes more and more of our ‘80s memories. Kate Bush is long past the tipping point for mitigation. All of these references have an irreversible effect on our cultural climate, and if we don’t act soon our pop culture landscape will soon be uninhabitable.”

At press time, the Duffer brothers indicated that regardless of resourcing, they have no intention of filming until all of the teen actors are middle-aged enough to play high school seniors.

God Forbids Amish Metalhead to Be Anything But Drummer

Posted on July 12, 2022 by Chris Bowen

LANCASTER, Pa — Amish musician Zeke Johnson bypassed his religion’s strict restrictions on modern technology by playing drums in his metal band Barn Burners, confirmed bearded sources with antiquated beliefs.

“It’s great that I can still abide by the rules of the Ordnung while simultaneously expressing my love for early metal pioneers like Iron Maiden and Praying Mantis,” Johnson explained while suspenders obscured his TANK shirt. “I tried learning some Priest songs on an acoustic guitar, but it just wasn’t the same. Once I realized I could make my own drum kit using techniques passed down from my forefathers I was able to blast out ‘Freewheel Burning’ and it felt so good. I found some teenagers who aren’t restricted by religious doctrine from a nearby town to fill out the rest of the band and we’ve been rocking ever since.”

Allen Pool, the non-Amish guitar player who plays alongside Johnson, explained the benefits of having an Amish heavy metal drummer.

“Yeah, having a guy from a strange religious sect in the band may come off as a little gimmicky, but Zeke is one of the best drummers I’ve worked with. He has an otherworldly penchant for keeping time, and he never drinks any of my beer,” said Pool. “One downside is that when we tour, he can’t drive the van unless we hook up a couple of horses to the front bumper and have them tow it. On our first tour, we traveled with two horses in the trailer, but it was so impractical, and feeding those things took up most of our budget. He made it up to us when our jam space collapsed. He and his family raised a brand new one in like two days!”

Brother Jedediah Shoemaker objects to the heavy metal genre as a whole and the loophole Johnson has found to get around the tenets of the Amish faith.

“Well I obviously think music, in general, is the work of Satan,” Shoemaker said while filling his horse’s feedbag. “But when it comes to Zeke my hands are tied. He technically isn’t breaking any of the rules. I’ve been trying to find something in scripture damning loud noises but to no avail. But this isn’t even the worst of it! My daughter is the trumpet player in a ska band and I find it difficult to believe God is okay with that.”

At press time, Days N’ Daze were booked to play multiple dates in Amish country with no pushback.

Real Life “Stranger Things?” I Feel Like I Have Powers and My Nose Keeps Bleeding

Posted on July 12, 2022 by Dan Rice

You have seen “Stranger Things,” right? Oh my god that show is so brilliant, I mean just from a marketing standpoint, cashing in on all that peak ‘80s nostalgia through homage without having to pay a cent in royalties toward source material, plus that D&D angle drawing in those big nerd culture eyeballs man those Duffer brothers are fucking geniuses my dude and their algo is tight tight tight but I’m getting sidetracked what was I talking about? Oh! I remember yeah!

Okay so like you know how there’s that girl on the show who’s like E.T character but with X-man powers like moving things with her mind and shit right? I do that! I mean like, I think I can do that you know I just feel it, like I really feel it! I know I know you want proof right, fake news and all that well okay check this out see this blood trickling out of my left nostril? That’s from mind powers dude.

Okay fine, I’ll move that bottle of vodka over there with my mind. Let me just focus… holy shit it moved! Did you see that shit it totally fucking moved! Wait no, now everything’s moving. Okay my bad, my eye is just twitching a lot I guess.

Okay well, hang on let me try to read your mind. Pick a number between 1 and 10. Is it seven? Three? Twelve? Well, do you think I did too much cocaine? See I can totally read your mind!

Okay fine, I will admit that I have done a fair amount of cocaine, which could account for my chronic nosebleed and the manic feeling that I have superpowers right now. But you need to admit that it is equally possible that all of that cocaine elevated my consciousness and unlocked psychokinetic powers that have always been dormant inside me because I’m special!

I’m just saying, be ready for some shit to go down because the government probably has a team of people with abilities comparable to mine who can detect me. I bet there’s a whole black-ops death squad on their way here right now to abduct me and train me in the art of killing people with my mind just by looking at a photo or some shit and I need to know my scrappy friends will hold their own while I mind fight all the agents and helicopters and stuff.

Just to be safe, I think you should all buy me more cocaine. I feel my powers weakening and time is of the essence.

Your Mother and I Are Exploring Solo Projects

Posted on July 12, 2022 by Dan Rice

You know I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it, to me this family is like a rock and roll band. Your mom is lead guitar, making the big decisions and calling the shots. I’m bass, keeping everyone in tempo, keepin em in the groove. Davey you’re on drums cause you’re always slamming the goddam door too loud and Tiff, with your diva presence and piercingly shrill vocals, you’re our frontman.

As a family band we’ve had some rockin good times, hell we could probably give that Partridge family a run for their money! Unfortunately, there comes a point in every band’s run where they must realize their best stuff is behind them and go their separate ways.

Kids, your mother, and I are going to be exploring solo projects.

Now calm down, it’s nobody’s fault. It’s not because Dave slams the door too loud or anything like that. Sometimes, these things just happen.

Hey, we had us some hits! We absolutely rocked the shit out of that trip to Yosemite last summer, and remember when the critics said we had no business hosting thanksgiving? We knocked that shit out of the park man! It’s just that your mom and I keep wondering — and I know on some level you kids must be wondering this too — “What comes next?” Sure we really wanna keep spinning our wheels until the magic runs out like those Partridge family rubes, but who wants that?

This move will allow every member of this family to explore opportunities that are more fulfilling, both creatively and financially.

I’m thinking of branching out into Country and your mom is getting into EDM, by which I mean I’m moving to a trailer park and she got caught fucking a DJ respectively. What was his name again honey? Doctor Teeth? Blade? Whatever doesn’t matter, not the point.

It’s no secret we’ve had a lot of creative differences lately. Tiff, remember when you drew that horse in crayon right on the goddam wall and it was a huge fight? Let’s not let it end like that, let’s just gracefully step out of each other’s lives.

We’ve taken this thing as far as it can go, and I do not doubt that the two of you will find great success in whatever families you wind up in next. Dave, with your constant door slamming I think you would thrive in a family with a stronger “wall of sound” aesthetic, and Tiff, if I can quote your most recent meltdown when we tried to have a nice time going out for ice cream last week, “all you people do is hold me back.”

There will be no reunion.

New Study Finds Leaving Tab Open for Two Weeks Is Same as Reading Article

Posted on July 12, 2022 by Harry Valentine

ATHENS, Ga. – Researchers at the University of Georgia offered irrefutable proof that leaving an unread article open on an internet browser for fourteen days provides identical knowledge to reading the article itself.

“To be honest, we’re a bit stumped,” said lead researcher Dr. Miriam Gomez. “Opening a tab, then regularly swiping past it for several weeks to read something easier causes deep stress on the psyche. In all of our test subjects, continuing that stress cycle for two weeks led to a complete understanding of the contents of the article as having just buckled down and taken the ten minutes to read it in the first place. We initially thought that maybe people read bits and pieces of the article by accident, but that proved to be inconclusive. At the moment, we’re calling it the psychic guilt phenomena.”

“We plan to continue studying the phenomena as soon as possible,” said Gomez. “So far I’ve just printed out a bunch of abstracts from other studies and left them on my bedside table. We’ll see if that does anything.”

In all corners of the internet, the news has been met with joy.

“Oh, what a relief. What a goddamn relief,” groaned Facebook user Pete Duggan upon hearing the news. “I opened up a long read about land acknowledgments back around Thanksgiving, and it’s been clogging up my Safari ever since. I felt terrible about not reading it, so I kept it there even though it made it harder to post my Wordle every day. Now that I know I know all I need to know about land-whatevers, I can finally share the article online and say ‘Wow. Everyone should read this.’”

According to Susan Li of the Brookings Institution, the study’s implications might be far-ranging.

“This could change the world as we know it,” said Li. “Think of what else could be learned without actually being read. Novels, instruction manuals, and even court documents. There is so much we don’t understand about the human brain and this is just another thread in that rich tapestry. I could even imagine a world, as crazy as it sounds, where politicians could pass a bill into law without having read a word of it.”

Another study from Duke University found that 100% of women were able to predict the contents of a direct message on Instagram before opening it based solely on the sender’s profile photo.

Merch Guy Folded and Crammed Into Box Until Next Gig

Posted on July 11, 2022 by Michael Luis

VANCOUVER, Wash. — Howard Ramirez, the longtime merch guy for the metal band Hellspawn, was folded and crammed into a box by members of the band after last night’s show at the Rickshaw Theatre, shocked onlookers confirmed.

“I know the tour van looks big enough for the band and me, but once you account for their girlfriends, the guy who sprays goat’s blood on them while they play, and just their general tendency to stretch out in the back seat, there isn’t enough room for me,” explained Ramirez through one of his air holes. “It’s okay though, I get to ride in the trailer with all the instruments and we have a blast back there. I do lots of yoga between tours to stay flexible and I get to keep the tips for any shows that fall on a Tuesday. I’ve always wanted to be in a touring band, so I’m just doing this until my solo black metal project takes off anyways.”

Hellspawn fan Chris Mitchell says watching the band stuff their merch guy into a box was unsettling.

“The merch guy folding up a bunch of shirts like he was making his bed and then hopped in afterward with his head between his legs. I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Mitchell. “I thought maybe it was a joke or something, but then the drummer put a padlock and chain on the box and wheeled it backstage. Then I saw their sound guy get wrapped up in all of the cables and crammed into a road case. I ended up leaving my shirt behind. I don’t think I can keep listening to Hellspawn. This shit was too fucking weird, like a sick ritual or something.”

Hellspawn frontman Augustus Demonicus was nonchalant when asked about his band’s unusual treatment of its crew.

“Touring isn’t cheap these days, so if you aren’t an active member of the band then we have to treat you like our gear. Besides, it’s all a part of our plan,” explained Demonicus, with a wink. “We need to make sure we have space for the things that bring us peace. For example, we keep a lot of books on the bus! Just the other day I was reading an old text about a sorcerer who made a deal with a demon to torture his disciples in exchange for great power. Nothing to do with the merch guy in the box, by the way. Just a thing I was reading.”

As of press time, the members of Hellspawn have been arrested for human rights violations and are currently being questioned for what detectives have described as “extreme occult behavior.”

Celebrate the Small Wins: This Anxious Woman Thinks Everyone Hates Her Because She’s Annoying, When Only 5 to 7 People Hate Her for Totally Valid Reasons

Posted on July 11, 2022 by Freelancer

Cheer up! This full-grown woman thinks nobody likes her because she’s super annoying and says weird shit at parties, but this is not the case. The truth is, with the exception of a handful of people who have completely justifiable reasons for not liking her, nobody really thinks about her at all! Positive or negative.

Sometimes in life, you gotta look for that silver lining. This woman has been worrying herself sick believing that everyone in her immediate social circle harbors animosity towards her. How much happier would she be if she realized that the only people that feel that way are those girls from college she was with when she threw up on the dashboard of that Uber? Other than that, most people she’s met wouldn’t be able to pick her out of a line-up. More or less a win!

Oh, God, she just popped off another cryptic self-deprecating Tweet: “stupid piece of shit annoying girls should get a discount at Target;;;” What the hell does that even mean? This woman acts as if she’s on trial for war crimes when at worst she’s just the most disliked coworker amongst the Foot Locker employees of Canoga Park. And it’s not like they don’t have a reason. I’d be kind of pissed too if someone kept asking me to cover their shifts because their mom is sick and I found out later it was so they could attend casting calls for The Bachelor.

All I’m saying is that if I had been the type to cheat in multiple long-term relationships yet still kept the number of people who wanted to do black magic on me under a baker’s dozen, I’d show a little gratitude. She just needs to take a look on the bright side! And also maybe stop sending messages in the group chat calling herself ugly.

Now that I think about it, her relentless demand for reassurance is pretty irritating. And narcissistic. When’s the last time she talked to me about my life? I have stuff going on too if she ever bothered to ask. Goddamn. Fuck you Madison.

We Sat Down With the Guys Doing Nitrous Balloons in the Parking Lot at the Phish Show Because We Hit Rock Bottom

Posted on July 11, 2022 by Zach Hudson

Life comes at you fast sometimes. One day you’re a middle manager at your dad’s accounting firm with a nice condo and a serious girlfriend, and the next day you’re fishing out on nitrous balloons in the parking lot at Dicks Sporting Goods Park with three guys who are arguing over whether or not Trey was better before he got sober.

Man, it wasn’t supposed to go this way. We used to make fun of people like us. Now we’re fifteen days into Phish’s Summer tour, worrying about whether or not we’ll have enough cash to make it to the next date. We used to know a guy who could front us an ounce of ketamine to sell on the lot, but we burned that bridge when we sold him out to the undercover cop who busted us at The Gorge. Now we’re stuck selling pins and shitty crystals, and no one’s buying.

And here we find ourselves, ticketless, strung out on the ground, unable to stand up or really talk while Phish is three songs into their second set. We don’t even have any weed to try and balance out the high because we traded it all to the Nitrous Mafia. Speaking of, if you see them, don’t tell them where we are. They caught our friend Fatty trying to steal one of their tanks and they’re out for blood.

Honestly, sometimes we question why we even do this, to begin with. The band fell off these last few years. Ten years ago we’d at least get a twenty-minute Bathtub Gin or Carini here and there, and now it’s like “oh cool, Possum again.” But the thought of missing out on a heater of a show is too much to bear. What if the boys were to bust out a Sand > Tweezer > Y.E.M segue tomorrow night? We’ve got a good feeling about it. Hopefully, these quartz wraps sell better tomorrow. We can’t keep banking on getting miracled.

Listen, if you see our dad, tell him we’re sorry and we want to come back once the tour is over. Also, ask him to reactivate his American Express card. There are eight shows left on this run and we promise we’ll go back to work in the mailroom until the Fall tour starts. We’ll show up every day, and we’ll make extra sure that no resin gets on the mail this time.

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