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Real Life “Stranger Things?” I Feel Like I Have Powers and My Nose Keeps Bleeding

You have seen “Stranger Things,” right? Oh my god that show is so brilliant, I mean just from a marketing standpoint, cashing in on all that peak ‘80s nostalgia through homage without having to pay a cent in royalties toward source material, plus that D&D angle drawing in those big nerd culture eyeballs man those Duffer brothers are fucking geniuses my dude and their algo is tight tight tight but I’m getting sidetracked what was I talking about? Oh! I remember yeah!

Okay so like you know how there’s that girl on the show who’s like E.T character but with X-man powers like moving things with her mind and shit right? I do that! I mean like, I think I can do that you know I just feel it, like I really feel it! I know I know you want proof right, fake news and all that well okay check this out see this blood trickling out of my left nostril? That’s from mind powers dude.

Okay fine, I’ll move that bottle of vodka over there with my mind. Let me just focus… holy shit it moved! Did you see that shit it totally fucking moved! Wait no, now everything’s moving. Okay my bad, my eye is just twitching a lot I guess.

Okay well, hang on let me try to read your mind. Pick a number between 1 and 10. Is it seven? Three? Twelve? Well, do you think I did too much cocaine? See I can totally read your mind!

Okay fine, I will admit that I have done a fair amount of cocaine, which could account for my chronic nosebleed and the manic feeling that I have superpowers right now. But you need to admit that it is equally possible that all of that cocaine elevated my consciousness and unlocked psychokinetic powers that have always been dormant inside me because I’m special!

I’m just saying, be ready for some shit to go down because the government probably has a team of people with abilities comparable to mine who can detect me. I bet there’s a whole black-ops death squad on their way here right now to abduct me and train me in the art of killing people with my mind just by looking at a photo or some shit and I need to know my scrappy friends will hold their own while I mind fight all the agents and helicopters and stuff.

Just to be safe, I think you should all buy me more cocaine. I feel my powers weakening and time is of the essence.