“Storage Wars” Winner Totally Unprepared to Run Lookout! Records

Posted on by Jon Wood

BERKELEY, Calif. — “Storage Wars” cast member Kenny Crossley recently placed the winning bid on an abandoned storage locker, only to discover it contained nothing more than the unsold inventory from failed punk rock label Lookout! Records, baffled sources report.

“I have no fucking clue what any of this shit is. During the sneak peek, I counted at least twenty boxes labeled ‘Green Day’ and ‘The Donnas’ that someone covered with sharpie dollar signs, but so far all I’ve found are a bunch of worthless stickers and half-size records from bands I’ve never heard of. It’s no wonder these guys went out of business,” said Crossley while rummaging through a garbage bag full of crumpled overdue invoices and cease-and-desist letters. “How am I supposed to make back the five hundred bucks I just spent on this garbage? I guess my best bet is to see if Operation Ivy fans are in the market for a stack of bounced royalty checks.”

Scotty Belton, scene veteran and cashier at a local record store, thought of Crossley’s misfortune differently.

“Dude, do you have any idea how rare this stuff is?!” said Belton after inspecting the haul. “This seven-inch is one of only a hundred pressed before the band broke up after their first house show, and this Swollen Boss Toad T-shirt looks like it was hand-drawn and is probably one-of-a-kind. These are definitely the most obscure punk artifacts I’ve ever seen. I mean, like nobody is aware that any of these bands even existed. I offered that normie fifteen bucks for all of it. If he’d had some Fifteen stuff, I could have done twenty-five bucks.”

Co-founder of Lookout! Records Larry Livermore offered some advice to the dejected Crossley.

“If it were me, I would toss all of that junk into the bay. There shouldn’t be anything of value in there,” said Livermore while writing another book about Lookout! Records. “And on the off-chance you do find some hidden gem, expect an unpleasant phone call from Billie Joe Armstrong’s army of lawyers.”

At press time, Crossley was attempting to track down the previous owner of an answering machine cassette full of angry customer messages to see if he has any interest in buying it back.

After 12 Years of Dressing for the Job I Want I’m Still Not a Member of Reel Big Fish

Posted on by Sara Mellas

A little over a decade ago, when I’d just graduated college with an accounting degree, I started to question what I was doing with my life. I got an internship at some financial consulting firm where I spent every day fighting with printer ink cartridges, refiling staplers, and wearing slacks. And for what?! I didn’t want to work some corporate desk job crunching numbers for the proverbial man, I wanted to work among the titans of ska.

So I decided to do what all the “X Habits of Highly Successful People” articles tell you to do: dress for the job you want. Well, it’s been 12 years and I’m still not in Reel Big Fish!

Now, I’m not dense. I knew Reel Big Fish wasn’t ever going to post a job listing for “Ska backup vocalist and beatboxer.” So I started wearing the loudest Hawaiian shirts I could get my hands on. I took pride when putting on my boldly-colored track jackets, plaid button-ups, calf-length shorts, and the occasional jewel-toned suit jacket and tie. I have now been dressing this way every day for over a decade, regardless of the weather or the occasion. I’ve even grown my facial hair into perfectly shaped sideburns covering my jaw, yet still no word from Aaron Barrett and the boys!

I may not be a member of Reel Big Fish yet, but you can’t force the Law of Attraction. Just this week, I emailed Mr. Barrett asking him to please keep me in mind if they have any openings. I’m hoping it didn’t go into his spam folder again. One day, that job will be mine. Until then, I’ll continue to wear my fedora with hopeful optimism.

New Farmers Insurance Ad Features J.K. Simmons Brutally Demeaning Man Without Boat Insurance

Posted on by Charles Bill

LOS ANGELES – Farmers Insurance launched a new ad campaign featuring Oscar-winning actor J.K. Simmons brutally demeaning a man for not insuring his boat, frightened and humiliated sources confirmed.

“We want people to shit their pants in fear,” said Farmers marketing director and sadist Sammie Whalen. “We want viewers to be absolutely terrified that if they don’t buy insurance from us then their life will be changed forever. Whether that be losing millions in a lawsuit, or having the Neo Nazi leader from ‘Oz’ verbally abuse you for two hours straight. We even made a wardrobe change to show off JK’s weird old-man muscles, which always freaks me out.”

The ad itself will feature Simmons’ normally benevolent spokesman losing his cool after a boat owner bumps into a dinghy at the marina.

“It’s a pretty standard ad. A guy accidentally scratches his boat, then I materialize and say something like ‘Christ how do you even fucking walk? You can’t drive a goddamn boat? Were your parents siblings? Don’t just stand there with your mouth open, no one’s coming to stick their cock in it. I can’t believe you don’t have insurance, a pet monkey would have the sense to buy boat insurance before smearing his shit on the walls.’ You know that kind of thing,” explained Simmons. “Then I berate boat guy for crying, call him a pathetic, little cum-stain, tell him to visit farmers.com to learn more, and we’re all home by 5.”

Surprisingly, the aggressive marketing strategy has already shown success, with other companies scrambling to catch up.

“I don’t even have a boat, but I bought the insurance,” explained intimidated customer Alex Gates. “Unfortunately with many marketers opting into this horrifying new strategy, I can barely watch football these days without having a heart attack. I saw an ad for Purina that was just Michael Shannon staring directly into camera for 25 seconds before making the throat slash gesture. I changed the channel, and there’s the CarFax fox with John Malkovich’s voice. He called me a fuck-face and said he would break my thumbs if I didn’t ask for the CarFax. Needless to say, I asked.”

At press time, Simmons was recording dialogue in which his yellow M&M encouraged the blue M&M to commit suicide.

Dad Who Thought He Was Getting Bounce House for Child’s Birthday Party Accidentally Books Oingo Boingo

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

TACOMA, Wash. — Local father Colm Tyson is reportedly embarrassed after accidentally booking 1980s new wave band Oingo Boingo for his six-year-old daughter’s birthday, thinking they were a bounce house company, confirm sources close to the family.

“I guess I just got confused. I mean, you hear the words ‘Oingo Boingo’ and you instantly picture one of those big rubber castles out on a front lawn with kids giggling. When Danny Elfman showed up with seven other elderly kooks and no bounce house, I knew I had screwed up Denise’s party big time,” said a blushing Tyson. “Plus, full disclosure, I only really recognized Elfman from a ‘Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure’ DVD featurette. In the ‘80s I was much more of a Soft Cell guy.”

Oingo Boingo members report being just as confused as the party-goers regarding their involvement in the festivities.

“You could tell fairly quickly this elementary schooler didn’t actually want a cult experimental rock band playing her ‘unicorn princess’ themed birthday party,” said Boingo guitarist Steve Bartek. “It maybe wasn’t a good idea to strictly announce our big reunion in the Yellow Pages, rather than standard music press outlets, that one’s our bad. We tried to give the little gals a good show nevertheless, but a lot of them didn’t even stick around through Wall of Voodoo’s opening set. On the upside, though, the cake brought out while we were playing ‘Ain’t This The Life’ was pretty damn good.”

Professional birthday clown Jimmy “Goof-Around” Graham was even less enthusiastic about the band’s performance.

“Tell me how I’m supposed to go on after those guys when they’re doing three-quarters of my schtick arsenal? I had all these bits with xylophones and barnyard animal sound effects in my act,” said Graham. “But I had to ditch everything and ad lib since Boingo had the whole party mallet percussion-and-cow-moo’d out! I mean, c’mon fellas, I don’t come create intricately arranged vaguely ska-based melodies in the parking lot before your shows, do I?!”

“We can’t all just go back to LA and score whatever martian movie comes out next…” Graham added, bitterly. “This is my livelihood here!”

At press time, further confusion was unveiled when the bounce house company accidentally dispatched the original bounce house to the band The Birthday Party, completely confounding Nick Cave.

Doom Metal Band Has Pact to Smoke Weed From Skull of First Member Who Dies

Posted on by Chris Bowen

AUBURN HILLS, Mich. — Local doom metal outfit Everplug swore to a pact in which surviving members of the band will smoke marijuana from the skull of the first to pass away, several lethargic sources report.

“Smoking reefer from the skull of a fallen comrade is simply the most metal thing a person can do, aside from maybe deep frying and eating it in front of their grieving family,” Everplug frontman James Milligan said while wearing a stained Solitude Aeturnus shirt. “I know I won’t be the first to go, but I think my skull would definitely hold the most weed for sure. I think our drummer Scott’s would be the most convenient though, seeing as how cylindrical his head is and all.”

Former Everplug bass player Stacey Lu decided she wanted no part in the band’s bizarre pact.

“I was pumped at first to join the band, but after all the weird seances and then the whole ‘desecrating each other’s corpse’ thing, that’s when I bounced,” Lu explained. “No way was I going to let any of those losers with their grimey, unwashed hands anywhere near my remains. Luckily they let me leave the band pretty easily after I told them the whole pact seemed more like a black metal thing. Sure, I might be a poser, but as long as those creeps stay far away from me, that’s an L I’m willing to take.”

Budtender and head shop owner Chudo Clark weighed in on the history of turning body parts into smoking vessels.

“Ahh man, the skull is really probably the tamest part of the human body I’ve heard of being turned into a smoking device,” Chudo said through a thick cloud of patchouli stench. “One guy came into the shop and told me he had his own pinky toe that he lost in a forklift accident turned into a one-hitter. Another guy had his best friend’s entire rib cage turned into a goth hookah that he can also play like a xylophone. Now that’s some wild stuff, man.”

At press time, Milligan was spotted sneaking a mock human skull out of the science lab just to do a “trial run.”

If You Didn’t Want To Get Crowdkilled, You Shouldn’t Have Stood Next to Me in Line at the Bank While I Was Listening to Madball on My Headphones

Posted on by Tim Graham

Ever go to a hardcore show and see those weaklings standing on the edges of the pit, just begging to be crowdkilled? Well, this was like that, except instead of being at a show, I was at the bank.

I was waiting to dump a Folgers can full of change into the coin machine, listening to Rogan on Spotify and minding my own business. It was on shuffle, so Madball’s “The World is Mine” came on when the episode ended. What was I supposed to do, stand there like an idiot?

Of course, I had no choice but to start windmilling and kicking. All the stuck-up chickenshits around me were acting all shocked. Okay, so I knocked a lady down, but I picked her right up. It’s just proper pit etiquette. Right when the breakdown kicked in, some stupid rent-a-cop ran over and bum-rushed me out the door.

People who go to shows, banks, or supermarkets need to be aware of their environment. If you get nailed, that’s on you. Stand near the pit, expect to get crowdkilled.

Being as passionate about hardcore as I am can occasionally be a problem. Once I destroyed a Chinese buffet because someone there had a Negative Approach song as their ringtone. When I snapped out of it, I was covered in lo mein and being yelled at by a chef with a big-ass cleaver.

Then there was my Memaw’s funeral. Someone coughed during the eulogy and it sounded a lot like a beatdown riff. I instinctively swung my arms around a few times before I realized what I was doing and gave my uncle Howard a black eye.

The good news is that a UFC agent witnessed me rocking out at the bank and offered me a gig on the spot. They just put me in the ring, blast some old-school shit and I go the fuck off. I’m currently undefeated.

Review: Puscifer “Conditions of My Parole”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Each Sunday The Hard Times takes a look at a notable album from the past. This time around we reviewed Puscifer’s “Conditions of My Parole,” the sophomore album from the band considered a “side project” of Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan.

When my editor put Puscifer’s 2011 album “Conditions of My Parole” up for grabs, I jumped at the chance to review it. Mostly because in the nearly 12 years since its release, I’ve been dedicating most of my time to running a local chapter of the Church of Saint Maynard James Keenan.

Now before you get all atheistic and snarky on me, please take a moment to consider what I have to say. We here at the CSMJK pride ourselves on not being like those pushy, judgemental evangelical preachers you’d see in a regular church, oh no. We’re deeply open-minded. Our motto is actually “All Are Welcome*,” with the asterisk referring to section 1a of our 3,000-page handbook which states:

“All Are Welcome (Should You Understand that Tool, A Perfect Circle, and Puscifer are the Defining Musical Acts of a Generation, and Spreading the Good Word of Saint Maynard James Keenan is the Most Important, Holy Work One Can Do)”

See? We’re not like those bigoted homophobes you’d find down the street. We’re simply a collection of dedicated fans who will stop at nothing to ensure that everyone worships the same man, even though he’s really gone out of his way to publicly discuss his distaste for contemporary celebrity culture in the West.

And yes, the rumors are true. He had some business cards printed up that said “Jesus H. Christ,” which, now that I think about it, seems more of an ironic and scathing commentary on placing a single human on a pedestal than an invitation to codify him into some sort of mock religion like I’ve wasted over a decade of my life doing.

Oh, fuck me. Could it be that I’ve wildly misinterpreted or outright ignored lyrics like “Narcissistic drama queen / Craving fame and all its decadence”? The answer seems like yes.

Now I can’t help but doubt all the other things that have totally gone over my head. In the title track of “Conditions of My Parole,” Keenan sings that he “shipped her off to Mozambique.” I used to think this was literal, but my god, it seems that in hindsight, he’s talking about performing some sort of execution. I can’t in good conscience continue my work at the Church after learning this.

I guess I will refocus my efforts towards unmasking anonymous bands that wish to remain that way to avoid the pitfalls of public life. That seems like a much better use of my time!

SCORE: 1/7 members of Ghost doxxed.

/**/

Metalhead Makes it Through Med School Solely on Memorized Carcass Lyrics

Posted on by Chris Bowen

OXFORD, England — Local metal fan William McClusky miraculously aced his way through the prestigious Oxford University Medical School solely on memorized lyrics by legendary death/grind band Carcass, several headbanging sources report.

“I knew ever since I was a mini metal fan that if I could make it through high school and memorize some lines by the almighty Carcass I could easily be a doctor one day, “McClusky said while sharpening his own personal scalpel. “It was totally easy too, whenever the professor asked a question on surgical instruments, I just said, ‘Retractors, mallets, rugines and benders, chisels, rods’ and watched them be blown away! And honestly, the lyrics to ‘Ruptured in Purulence’ basically had all the answers to my exams right in that one song. It’s like a brutal cheat code.”

Founding member and vocalist/bassist for Carcass Jeff Walker never really knew how authentic many of his lyrics really are.

“Man, when I wrote those lyrics all those years ago, I basically just threw together a bunch of medical mumbo-jumbo and cool-sounding Latin words I made up,” Walker explained. “I never really thought someone could learn legitimate medical terminology and help them pursue a doctorate. I mean, ‘Excoriating Abdominal Emanation?’ What the fuck is that? I don’t really know, but it sounds pretty sick.”

Dean of admissions at Syracuse University Charles Seward gives some examples of students making it through college based on metal lyrics.

“It’s funny, in all my years of interaction with students, I can always spot the metalhead,” Seward explained while ashing his corn cob pipe. “History majors always tend to cruise through the curriculum using Iron Maiden or Running Wild lyrics. Math majors use the weird timing of bands like Cephalic Carnage to help them study. And a lot of times, science majors tend to use the themes of bands like Voivod to help them through biology classes. Metal is much more egghead oriented than most people realize!”

At press time, McClusky was seen going over some Haemorrage lyrics in his head in preparation for an upcoming extra credit assignment.

The Weekly Scene Report: February 4, 2023

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It’s the end of the week, which means now is your last chance to catch up on the most important stories you missed in the scene over the last seven days.

John Frusciante, Flea “Fine” With Anthony Kiedis Naming Harmonious, Beautifully Intricate Song “Clappa Dap Funk Suckin’ Mama”

Read the full story here.

So You Drank Two Nights in a Row in Your 30s: Here’s How to Draft a Will

Read the full story here.

Band Honors the Salaries of Wives and Girlfriends Who Make Their Tours Possible

Read the full story here.

Punks With Chain Wallets Tangled Together Now Operating as Single Organism

Read the full story here.

We Look Back on Deftones Because We’re Hooking Up With Our High School Girlfriend Again

Read the full story here.

Teen Still Waiting for Boyfriend to Return Home From Defending Pop Punk

Read the full story here.

Quiz: Bright Eyes Lyric or Quote From the Green River Killer

Read the full story here.

Guitarist Replaces Perfectly Fine Brake Pedal With $299 Boutique Brake Pedal

Read the full story here.

Punk Museum to Offer VR Tour Experience Where Van Gets Stolen in Philadelphia

Read the full story here.

Hardcore Toddler at Chuck E. Cheese Stops Playing to Pick up Kid Knocked Down in Ball Pit

Read the full story here.

Help! Everyone Thinks I’m Rich but I Just Look Nice in a Sweater

Read the full story here.

Aphex Twin Fires Up Password Generator After Finishing New EP

Posted on by Tyler Roland

CORNWALL, U.K. – Renowned electronic musician Aphex Twin recently logged into his lastpass.com premium account to glean titles for the tracks on his upcoming EP, sources that meet up with Twin to circuit-bend old toys each month confirmed.

“It’s well worth the £12.50 I pay per month for this,” Aphex Twin enthused while writing down several 15-character-long strings of letters and numbers. “I sit back and let it rip. Hell, it just gave me ‘Fl0w$ers2369’ a moment ago. Maybe it doesn’t roll off the tongue like ‘m6920.86_bpmedit,’ but I’ll take it all the same. All of my remaining creative energy is spent distorting my face in Photoshop for the album artwork, anyway.”

Director and frequent collaborator Chris Cunningham was excited to hear about Aphex Twin’s unorthodox methodology.

“Aphex Twin has been pushing the limits of music for nearly 40 years and he continues to find new ways to innovate with song titles that not a single person can remember, and uses at least one capital letter and special character. ‘Cock/Ver10,’ ‘s950tx16wasr10,’ ‘Peek824545201,’ those are all classics,” Cunningham explained as he skinned a rat for an art installation. “He sent me a new one the other day, ‘Mix492%avi_FINAL,’ to see about a video for a single. The beauty of it is that you never know if that’s the working title or the one he’ll use. Magic.”

Sophia Cygnet, a product manager at lastpass.com, was pleased to hear of the world-famous IDM pioneer using the service.

“Usually, only white-collar businesses ask their employees to use our site so they can take their cybersecurity up a level. It’s very rare that we get legitimate music stars emailing our customer service asking about any future software updates,” Cygnet explained. “I’m hoping Aphex gives us a shoutout in the liner notes for his new release. Fingers crossed he name drops us and my friends finally recognize how cool proper password management and generation can be instead of ragging on me for being a sellout.”

At press time, Aphex Twin was reportedly mumbling about “going back to the classics” by naming a track on the EP “password123456.”