Police Force Signs Local Schoolyard Bully to Development Deal

Posted on by Doug Kolic

BATTLE MOUNTAIN, Nev. – Officials at the Battle Mountain PD announced that they successfully signed Spencer Hall, a local schoolyard bully, and complete menace, to a long-term development deal, according to sources busy falsifying their police reports.

“We got him. The BMPD were able to negotiate contract terms with the family of a young up-and-coming shitbag so he can be the future of our workforce,” exclaimed Police Chief Walter Cromby while unlawfully detaining a Black teenager for jaywalking. “Eight-year-old Spencer Hall has been on our radar ever since we heard how he successfully shook down a dozen classmates for their lunch money, blamed it on another student, and got off Scot-free. This kid’s a natural, and with a few years under our expert tutelage, he’ll be accepting bribes from mobsters, destroying evidence for crooked businessmen, and beating the crap out of his family like a pro. Sky’s really the limit for this little asshole.”

The boy’s mother Kaylee Hall was pleasantly surprised that he was headed for a career in law enforcement.

“Spencer’s been bullying fellow students and teachers for years, so we naturally thought he’d be in juvie by now,” stated a beaming Mrs. Hall sipping on a breakfast beer. “But apparently his bad attitude, fits of violent rage, and ability to lie through his teeth are the exact reasons all those police departments across the state were courting him. We try to support him as best we can by basically letting him do whatever he wants without any consequence. Now if you’d excuse me, we have a meeting with his principal soon to discuss his alleged use of the N-Word. They grow up so fast.”

Criminologist Dr. Jane Saric described how police forces are on the lookout for young talent to fill the shoes of outgoing corrupt officers.

“As the current crop of bad cops retire or get shuffled to desk duty after misconduct allegations, there’s a big need to hire replacements who already know how to game the system,” explained Dr. Saric. “And those replacements are getting younger and younger each year. Heck, I even heard that one police department was interested in signing the future rights to any offspring Kyle Rittenhouse may have, hoping the apples don’t fall far from the rotten tree. I can’t tell you who they are, but if you guessed the LAPD you’d be right. Obviously.”

At press time, Spencer was being treated to ice cream after he successfully planted some of his stepdad’s cocaine on his homeroom teacher to avoid a homework assignment.

4 Vegan Egg Alternatives To Consider That Are Still More Expensive Than Eggs

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

With the price of eggs continuing to soar, many consumers are naturally looking for cost-saving alternatives. Well, we wish we could tell you that vegan egg replacers were cheaper, but for the most part, they aren’t. Sure, you could try using chickpea juice or ground-up flaxseed like some crunchy influencer, but we both know it’s not going to work right. You’ll just end up pissed off at the world and the lying Instagram vegans who somehow make everything look easy.

Instead, check out these easier-to-use vegan egg alternatives that still cost more than even overpriced chicken eggs. At least you’ll feel some fleeting moral superiority for giving them a shot!

Bob’s Red Mill Egg Substitute
A twelve-ounce bag of this powdered egg replacement costs about five dollars and is allegedly equivalent to thirty-four eggs. While that may seem like a steal these days, you’ll probably use your entire first bag on trial-and-error batches of baked goods that turn out like shit and end up wasting $20 worth of other ingredients. We wish it weren’t true, but it is.

JUST Egg
For around four to six bucks, you can snag a bottle of this decent egg replacement for scrambles at most grocery stores. It has eight eggs worth in each bottle so don’t do the math because you will realize it’s still super expensive. It’s vegan though! Keep reminding yourself of that.

JUST Egg Folded
For roughly the same price as a bottle of JUST Egg, but now with just four servings, JUST Egg Folded is premade and really convenient and delicious if you want to make a breakfast sandwich that’s low in cholesterol. But lower in price? Hell no! Instead, focus on the cholesterol part so you feel okay about it.

Peggs
If you’re looking for a plant-based egg replacement that has a cutesy vegan name that doesn’t really make sense, look no further than “Peggs.” This chickpea-based product costs thirty-six dollars for three dozen Peggs (are we using that right?). So until eggs reach a dollar each, Peggs aren’t cheap. Check back in a few months, though, because that very well may happen.

11 Reasons You Shouldn’t Eat That Edible You Had Twenty Minutes Ago

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

It’s a glorious day at the beach! The sun is out and everyone is having fun. Here’s why you shouldn’t have had those gummies your friend offered.

You Shouldn’t Trust That Guy On Dosages

He said it wasn’t very strong but doesn’t he smoke like an ounce a day? Also, do you even know what a big dose is? Since when were you an expert?

It’s Never Worked Out Before

Last time you took edibles you ran out a building because you didn’t like the vibes and passed out on a bus stop bench. The time before that you got so paranoid you threw up. You probably shouldn’t eat any. Wait, you already ate them? Uh oh.

Something Is Off

Right? The air is a little weird. Or is it the beach? The people? Why is it so hard to think straight thoughts suddenly? Ah shiiiiiiit.

People Are Talking To You

Words coming out of mouths? Dammit. You hear them but can’t interpret what they mean. What the hell does “Where’s the bathroom” mean? Do you know these people?

Are You Being Weird Right Now?

They’re looking at you funny. Say something. Make sure it is words. Don’t walk away don’t walk away don’t walk away. Make eye contact.

You Walked Away

Eyes are weird now you free now.

You’re Too Far From Home

Safety of familiarity gone. Where the hell are you?

Don’t Fall Asleep Don’t Fall Asleep

Bed far away why can’t sleep there. Maybe find nice bus stop.

Somebody Is Depending On You For Something But You Can’t Remember What

Right? Probably? You can’t let go now. What if you’re supposed to drive your friend to the cake store? You gotta be letting someone down somewhere.

You’re Going To Be Like This Forever

Did you take an edible? Maybe you didn’t and your brain just damage. Maybe edible started damage. Maybe it will be better if you tell that stranger what’s happening.

Thoughts Going Away Now

….

Reup Is Itttuuh Errm Rkigggkkmnnn

Rusojifnawesa fadrrr iosopsad O.A.S.K.M. Vaamilli? Slllle scasd ajsoimjnmv oenmmks!

Every Every Time I Die Album Ranked

Posted on by Bobby Korec

The absolute best part about music is getting the chance to rank a band’s albums from “complete shitshow of a release” to “gosh dang, pump this audio directly into my veins and don’t stop until I pass out.” Exactly what musicians want from their fanbase. That being said, here’s the definitive ranking of Every Time I Die’s discography.

9) Last Night in Town (2001)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “The Logic of Crocodiles”

Skip It: “Enter Without Knocking And Notify The Police”

8) Gutter Phenomenon (2005)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “Bored Stiff”

Skip It: “Guitarred and Feathered”

7) New Junk Aesthetic (2009)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “Wanderlust”

Skip It: “Goddam Kids These Days”

6) The Big Dirty (2007)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “Pigs Is Pigs”

Skip It: “Depressionista”

5) Ex Lives (2012)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “I Suck (Blood)”

Skip It: “A Wild, Shameless Plain”

4) From Parts Unknown (2014)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “The Great Secret”

Skip It: “Cheap Ludes”

3) Radical (2021)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “Distress Rehearsal”

Skip It: “We Go Together” but only if you’re short on time

2) Hot Damn! (2003)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “Godspeed Us to Sea”

Skip It: Don’t you dare skip any of these songs

1) Low Teens (2016)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “I Didn’t Want To Join Your Stupid Cult Anyway”

Skip It: No

Support Waning for Friend in Recovery Now That He Has Six-Pack Abs

Posted on by Matt McInerney

PORTLAND, Maine — Support for local man Kevin Davidson is reportedly waning amongst friends as they slowly realize his recovery bolstered his social status and helped tone his physique beyond their comfort level, bitter sources confirmed.

“I owe it all to my friends. Two years ago, I was depressed and drunkenly stumbling around my dingy apartment. Just a blob of a man, really. But they were always there for advice. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen any of them since that one shirts versus skins pickup basketball game over the summer. Not sure why,” remembered Davidson with a slight pause. “And hey, look at me now! I’m happy. I have a girlfriend. And I’m shredded! Everything is so much better except for the fact that all my friends seemed to change their phone numbers at the same time because they haven’t responded to any of my texts recently.”

Gavin Wilkinson, a close friend of Davidson’s, is also starting to miss those days.

“I remember back when I used to visit his dark apartment and give him pep talks. I’d say stuff like, ‘hey, maybe one day you can have a great apartment like mine!’ or ‘you’ll find a nice girl!'” remembered Wilkinson. “And, well… goddamn, he really did. Like tenfold. He completely turned his life around. He bought an amazing house all on his own. His girlfriend was my high school crush. And, god, that six-pack. The guy doesn’t even exercise. Your body must naturally form a defined torso when you give up drugs and alcohol.”

Adaline Bowers is a counselor who has worked in rehab facilities since her own recovery.

“Who doesn’t love a schlubby troubled friend that makes you feel good about yourself? Someone that makes you feel like you have your shit together. You’re the guru that gets to say things like ‘maybe don’t drink before noon,'” said Bowers. “But you run into trouble if they ever actually listen. Suddenly your ‘friend’ is living their best life, and you’re forced to look in the mirror. You wonder, ‘was I ever really filled with wisdom?” They say comparison is the thief of joy. But it’s also the lonely pillar of one-sided condescending-advice-based friendships.”

An eyewitness later reported seeing Davidson thanking a vegetarian friend for encouraging him to go veggie initially and asking if they ever thought about going vegan like him.

Help! Everyone Thinks I’m Rich but I Just Look Nice in a Sweater

Posted on by Eric Navarro

It’s hard being a rich punk. Especially when you’re not rich.

So my parents got me a sweater for Christmas. The good news is it looks great on me! Unfortunately, it looks a little too good, and now everyone in the scene thinks I’m a “richie-rich-ass-poser-ass-bitch.” They call me other stuff too but that’s the nickname that stuck. Help!

I got this sweater for Christmas and it’s decimated my reputation. The sweater wasn’t even expensive. It was from target! And not even a name brand. This is from the “Goodfellow Collection” but it might as well be Balenciaga the way everyone at shows looks at me now.

It’s all because I look so goddamn charming when I put this thing on. I can see them all glaring behind me as I check myself out in every mirror I walk by. Now everyone thinks I’m some rich asshole who’s full of himself. And they couldn’t be more wrong. I’m a broke asshole who’s full of himself.

And for the record, my family is rich. But they cut me off though so I’m poor. Just like all of you!

This is the worst. Sure, I’ve been getting lots of offers for jobs and boats and insider trading stock tips. But now my friends won’t even invite me to see their shitty bands. They still send me merch links though.

It’s not my fault that my rugged exterior transforms as I pull the wool over my head. I can’t help that my spiked hair becomes miraculously slicked back and all the face tattoos I swore weren’t temporary disappear once this sweater envelopes my torso. Yet here I stand all alone, having been alienated from my entire community.

Fuck this gift. Next year I’m just gonna ask for another Marshall stack.

Hardcore Toddler at Chuck E. Cheese Stops Playing to Pick up Kid Knocked Down in Ball Pit

Posted on by Tim Graham

NORTH DARTMOUTH, Mass. — Preschool punk Henry Doyle rushed to the aid of little Briana Hamm, who disappeared beneath the surface of a rowdy Chuck E. Cheese ball pit, according to pizza-stuffed sources.

“Honestly, when that punk family walked into the restaurant, my wife and I were a little put off,” said Briana’s father Ron Hamm. “The parents were covered in tattoos. The dad looked pissed off, the kid had a mohawk, and the mom had what I now understand is called a ‘Chelsea’ hairdo. But when the other kids in the ball pit started shoving and Briana went under, Henry dove right in and pulled him up. He made sure Briana was okay and then went back to jumping around.”

Chuck E. Cheese assistant manager Tony D’Amato witnessed the scene unfold from where he was sprinkling sawdust onto a puddle of vomit.

“The problem started when the Kidz Bop version of ‘Let’s Have a War’ came over the speakers. The kids in the ball pit were all hopped up on soda and ice cream and started going crazy,” said D’Amato as he cleaned tomato sauce off of the Jasper T. Jowls animatronic. “Someone might want to let corporate know that some of their music choices might be a little too heavy. The Wiggles’ version of ‘Rise Above’ really gets the kids amped up. I’m grateful that the punk kid rescued the other one, because I didn’t want to go in there. Those balls are filthy.”

Punk mommy-blogger and online influencer Penelope Phlegm says that things like pit etiquette need to be taught in school.

“Punk culture can provide some valuable life lessons that we should be imparting to our children,” said Phlegm. “For example, when someone goes down in the pit, you pick them up. It doesn’t matter if it’s a mosh pit or a ball pit, the same rule applies. ‘Never talk to cops’ is another lesson that I think should be added to the curriculum. When I was in school, we were told cops were our friends, but it’s past time for that narrative to be put to rest. All cops are bastards. Principals, too.”

At press time, Doyle announced he’d gone “straight edge” and has been spending recesses admonishing other children for eating candy.

Netflix Replaces Development Executive With 1980s TV Guide

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LOS GATOS, Calif. – Netflix is reportedly set to announce new cost-cutting measures to replace executives in charge of developing content with old TV Guides from 40 years ago, sources depressed about the current state of Hollywood confirmed.

“When we realized our highly paid execs spent most of their time simply greenlighting reboots from the ‘80s and ‘90s, we decided it was just cheaper to replace them with TV Guides instead,” stated CEO Ted Sarandos as he flipped through the December 1989 issue with Doogie Howser on the cover. “There are still so many old gems out there waiting to be retooled, repackaged, and shoved down the throats of subscribers who never asked for it in the first place. Some viewers complain we’re ruining their favorite shows but luckily those people aren’t in charge, I am. It’s good to be powerful.”

Loyal Netflix subscriber Emma Williams expressed shock that any of the networks have development departments.

“You gotta be kidding, they were paying people to come up with ‘Fuller House?’” said Williams as she scrolled through a menu trying to find something original. “The only good thing about all this nostalgia programming is that when my grandpa came out of his thirty-year coma he was comforted by the fact that old shows he used to watch before his accident were still on air. He was a bit confused about why the cast of ‘The Wonder Years’ was black and why there’s a female judge on ‘Night Court,’ but he’s just so happy to be alive he says it doesn’t bother him, though we know it does.”

TV expert Miles McCurly explained that media companies will continue finding innovative ways to reduce costs.

“Companies like Netflix are facing immense pressure from shareholders to maximize all profits,” McCurly described. “If that means replacing salaried employees with tiny magazines from the Reagan era, so be it. And they’re not alone, Amazon’s replacing their development brass with free online show generators, and Apple are in negotiations to buy a few of the old circus chimps that programmed most of network TV in the ‘60s. They may be old but those monkeys can still smell a hit, and the mess they leave behind is considerably less than most coke-binging execs.”

At press time, Sarandos was overheard stating he’d wait to see how Bill Cosby’s upcoming stand-up tour goes before ordering an eventual reboot of “The Cosby Show.”

What Punk Documentary Interviewee Needs You to Understand Is That at This Point Reagan Was in the White House

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Prominent documentary talking head Gareth “Rubber Duck” Wayne is repeatedly reminding everyone that, at the point of the story he is telling, Ronald Reagan was in the White House, the film producers reported.

“It was a different time, but you could feel something special was just around the bend. Especially in our little scene. But, like I said before, you gotta understand: Reagan was in the White House at this point. Not Carter, not Clinton, not even the first Bush, it was Reagan,” said Wayne, without really saying anything at all. “Politically, we felt everything was bullshit, but also, politically, we wanted change. We would have definitely liked someone else in the White House at that point, but who we had was Reagan. Ronald Reagan, you gotta understand. If not, we can re-set the camera and I can do another take to tell the story again.”

Viewers of “Nutmeg State of Mind,” the documentary on the early ‘80s Connecticut hardcore scene, report appreciation of Rubber Duck’s constant reminders..

“I was thankful he kept reminding us, because sometimes I’m watching a documentary and I’m like ‘wait, I don’t understand. At what point was Reagan in the House? And what color was the house?’ So, luckily I wasn’t so lost while this movie played,” said film premiere attendee Ferris Pleasance. “Rubber Duck was there to set the stage, over and over again, and now I truly understand. At that point, man, Reagan was in the White House.”

Guinness Book of World Records Chairman Alistair Richards has shown interest in the possibility of adding the documentary to their ranks.

“By my estimation,’ Nutmeg State of Mind,’ and Rubber Duck by extension, could be added to the Book very soon. ‘Documentary Where An Aging Punk Says What You Need To Understand Is At This Point Reagan Was In The White House Most Times’ is a highly sought-after record to break,” said Richards “But not a simple one. But this Rubber Duck fellow makes it look easy. The previous record holder was 83 times over the course of a two-hour documentary. But, a new contender has entered the ring. I’ve heard the phrase at least that many times after just letting the DVD menu play for a minute and a half. Welcome to Guinness, Rubber Duck.”

At press time, Rubber Duck Wayne had successfully booked an appearance in a documentary about Ronald Reagan’s presidency to finally say “What you need to understand is, Connecticut hardcore was just getting started.” but kept messing up his line.

The Grammys Are Completely Meaningless Assuming Turnstile Doesn’t Win

Posted on by Eric Navarro

I’ve said it for years: The Grammys, like all major award shows, are hollow events designed solely for the rich and famous to parade themselves around like show ponies under the guise of art and social consciousness. And, once again, that will continue to be true unless Turnstile takes home all three of their nominations.

The chosen few who get to vote for the winners of these awards are not true representatives of the people or even the form of media they are voting on. This entire industry is based on nepotism, exploitation, and greed. Do we really expect the people who succeed at the highest level in that environment to be altruistic arbiters of art? Absolutely not! Unless, of course, Turnstile wins two of the three awards they’re up for.

For any artist to reach the level of even being nominated for one of these awards, they must have already achieved a level of notoriety and financial security that they simply cannot relate to the average person on a day-to-day basis anymore. Except for Turnstile. They get me. Which is why this award show full of out-of-touch elites is complete bullshit if Turnstile doesn’t at least nab the Grammy for Best Rock Song.

Okay, any Grammy.

I haven’t been this hypothetically upset since Try Parker got nominated for an Oscar. Why can’t true artists—those who seek to advance their chosen art form—be recognized for their work at the most prestigious of levels? Why must mediocrity and trendiness rule the award landscape? Do humans simply prefer form over function? Is that why we, as a society, are destined to be our own destruction? And, most importantly, do you think Turnstile will pull a South Park and show up to the red carpet in dresses and on acid?

If not, I’m never watching the Grammys again.