Opinion: AI Could Never Recreate Getting an Art Degree and Working at a Coffee Shop

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Until recently I’ve never sweated any of this talk about how automation will replace humans in the workforce. But the rise of artificially intelligent, procedurally generated art has shook me to the core. Now because some fucking nerds decided to streamline the process of artistic expression for the means of generating easy content, thousands of creatives’ careers are veering towards being irrelevant at the click of a button.

While this new “form” of art may have triggered no less than three existential crises within the last week, there is one piece of the artistic experience AI could never replicate: getting a wildly expensive art degree and then spending six years working as a barista.

I suppose the one valid criticism is that AI generated art rides the coattails of the work that actual artists have created inasmuch as I have relied on my parents to pay my rent, but the similarities stop there. Other than that, I have absolutely no respect for anyone who thinks typing “Basquiat + boobs” into a website has any more value than my ability to put smiley faces in customer’s lattes.

I would bet my next paycheck that the clowns who created these programs have never stepped foot into a museum, let alone the museum coffee shop where I work. They would never understand the toil and sacrifice it takes to make a single piece of fine art or the crushing weight of trying to pay student loans for a degree with what seems like three open positions at any given time. Now that I think about it, maybe I wouldn’t bet my whole paycheck since I just got kicked off my dad’s cell phone plan.

Look, any job should hold some modicum of dignity to it. At least that’s what I tell myself when I look in the mirror each morning at 4 AM after I’ve been grinding coffee beans before you assholes wake up. I’m fine with my life choices and my student loans, but I’ll be damned if all that time I spent taking commissioned art of pregnant Sonic characters on Fivver was for nothing because an algorithm can do it faster and also not want to wretch.

I’ll respect AI art generators when I see Pixray froth milk for 11 hours straight for yoga moms who make comments about its piercings and then tries to cram six hours of studio time into a two hour window. Until then, the only thing it’s good for is making me wish I just went to culinary school.

Guitarist Replaces Perfectly Fine Brake Pedal With $299 Boutique Brake Pedal

Posted on by John Danek

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas — Local guitarist and gear snob Graham Andersson reportedly paid almost $300 for a fancy brake pedal upgrade in his 2011 Toyota Corolla despite offering no noticeable benefit, amused friends confirmed.

“A stock brake pedal is enough for most motorists, but I’m really exacting and discerning with all foot-controlled devices,” said Andersson, who recently moved apartments to have more space for his guitar pedal collection. “This limited-run brake pedal is hand-assembled using metal casting techniques from the 1970s. It actually emulates the braking in James Dean’s car. Beginners might not be able to notice a meaningful difference, but trust me, it’s worth it. You’ve never had a more transparent braking experience.”

The mechanic who replaced the brake pedal questioned the purpose of the task.

“In all my years, I’ve never had a request as odd as this one. I just don’t see the point,” explained Hal Munson of Munson’s Motors. “He brought this smaller, flimsier brake pedal and said he’s ‘trying to sell the old one on Reverb.’ He offered me $99 just to replace it which was the easiest $99 I’ve ever earned. I figured it was some kind of TikTok prank. Please tell me, I don’t want to go viral again. My kids are ruining my business and reputation.”

Guitar pedal builders admit that their industry might be experiencing a financial bubble in 2023.

“I haven’t had a passion for building pedals since about 2010,” confessed Wendy Moritz, owner of Minty Pedals, makers of the popular Spearmint Drive. “But I’m making so much money by charging almost 400 dollars for a glorified Tube Screamer knockoff in an enclosure with a matte finish. Pretentious guitarists are my key to an early retirement. I’d be leaving money on the table if I quit to pursue my real passion: septic tank pumping.”

As of press time, Andersson has since tragically died due to a heart condition after he refused treatment when surgeons couldn’t promise that a life-saving triple bypass surgery would be “true bypass.”

Study Reveals Average Millennial Has Heard First Twenty Seconds of Minutemen’s “Corona” About 25,000 Times

Posted on by John Danek

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — A new study revealed that the average millennial has heard the intro to the Minutemen’s classic “Corona” around 25,000 times by the time they reach the age of 40, researchers confirmed.

“We’re well aware of the popularity of ‘Jackass’ which used ‘Corona’ as its theme, but we were shocked at the sheer number of times it has been heard,” stated lead researcher Dr. Thaddeus Keane, professor of millennial psychology and neuroses at West Virginia University. “This necessitates follow-up studies, like seeing if there is any Pavlovian response. For instance, do millennials feel some sort of phantom pain in their ballsacks upon hearing that nostalgic, yet invigorating guitar lick? And to think, my dad said a psychology degree was worthless!”

Millennials who participated in the study questioned the ethics of the researchers’ processes.

“I didn’t even know there was a vocal part to the song—I always thought it was just some stock royalty-free music snippet they used,” said 34-year-old Sheena Thompson, who admits to owning the entire “Viva La Bam” series on DVD. “I like ‘80s punk as much as the next girl, but this song ain’t for me. Hearing the rest of the track has forever tarnished the purity of the ‘Jackass’ intro. I don’t like change, ok? First they swapped Aunt Viv on ‘Fresh Prince,’ and now this! Millennials can never catch a break.”

Mike Watt, bassist of the Minutemen and many groups since, described his complicated relationship with the song “Corona.”

“It’s weird; hearing that song makes me think of my younger years and of course D. Boon, but my fans think of getting hit in the nuts with a 2×4 or vomiting after drinking elephant piss,” said Watt, who recently celebrated starting his 1,000th new band. “I guess it’s cool that ‘Jackass’ exposed our music to such a wide audience, but I don’t think many of those viewers followed up and bought a record or came to a show. But those motherfucking H.I.M. albums flew off the shelves! Fuck off.”

In a related observation, the researchers noticed that subjects were much more likely to violently manhandle a shopping cart after hearing the first few seconds of CKY’s “96 Quite Bitter Beings.”

Man Celebrates Dry January Victory With 11 Consecutive Months of Binge Drinking

Posted on by Bobby Korec

ASTORIA, Ore. — Local party animal Gary Harper plans to celebrate the completion of Dry January with 11 consecutive months of heavy drinking, confirmed sources who were proud of his sobriety trial period.

“I have a ton of catching up to do starting at exactly 12:01 a.m. on February 1,” said Harper before looking at pictures of red wine on the internet to see if that would satisfy his craving. “I always take January off from getting shit-faced as a way to detox and let my body regenerate any internal organs I might have inadvertently destroyed from consuming literal poison. Then after the month’s over, I go back to treating my body like a temple that serves double IPAs and shots of tequila at noon. Some say I might be a high-functioning alcoholic, but that can’t be right, because I definitely don’t get shit done when I’m boozing, or the day after for that matter. Not sure if there’s a term for that, but I’m definitely whatever that is.”

Friends of Harper seemed concerned about his relationship with alcohol.

“I’m starting to think he might have a problem and it’s mainly that he doesn’t invite me on his weekend benders like he used to,” said longtime time pal Julia Tremboldt. “I mean, yeah, he should probably lay off the sauce for eternity because he is a textbook alcoholic, but on the other hand, who is going to get hammered with me on a random Tuesday at Chili’s? He really needs to consider other people before attempting to briefly improve his life. How incredibly selfish of him.”

Dr. Katherine Mayflower believed the month-long initiative may not be enough for some people.

“Being drink-free for a single month can be helpful, but neglecting the other 334 days on the calendar and 335 during leap years is highly questionable,” said Mayflower. “Dry January is actually a great test run for sober-curious people and has a ton of benefits. For instance, there’s no better feeling than being clear-headed enough to inadvertently make your drinker friends jealous of your willpower and ability to not need alcohol to have a good time. I guess there are a number of other advantages too, but I’m totally blanking at the moment.”

At press time, Harper admitted to breaking the one rule of Dry January only five days in, but assured his friends that he would try again for Lent or Sober October.

Quiz: Bright Eyes Lyric or Quote From the Green River Killer

Posted on by James Knapp

Life imitates art. Or is that the other way around? Regardless, whichever way it works out just hope that, unlike Bright Eyes, your art doesn’t inadvertently make it seem like you could have serial murdered 49 women in rural Washington.

Test your knowledge with the following quiz of Bright Eyes lyric or court transcript from Gary Ridgeway’s conviction.

Q: This is the first day of my life. Swear I was born right in the doorway.

A: Bright Eyes lyric!
That was an easy one to start off. We know it’s a maudlin song but we doubt that the Green River Killer was ever that optimistic about anything.

Q: When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend. I get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations.

A: Also Bright Eyes! Correct!
Getting warmer. Still not quite homicidal enough to go kill crazy all over the Pacific northwest but we’re beginning to see the challenge of all of this.

Q: Well, the animals laugh from the dark of the wilderness. A baby cries hard in an apartment complex as I pass in a car buried under the influence.

A: That’s right! Still Bright Eyes!
While we admit we can see the sort of dark, unhinged lunacy necessary to build your own graveyard over decades, this is of course still Bright Eyes.

Q: I wanna be the surgeon that cuts you open.

A: This one could have gone either way. But just for consistency we’re gonna give it to Bright Eyes.
Yeah this was kind of a weird one. We didn’t really wanna give it to Bright Eyes but, well, here you go. Hopefully we can end this on something a little cheerier from the other side of this quiz for once already.

Q: There’s bodies decomposing in containers tonight
In an abandoned building.

A: Holy shit, Bright Eyes!
We might need to call the FBI and tell them they have the wrong man. And Conor Oberst better have really good alibis for where he was at any point in the past four decades because right now this doesn’t look good for him.

Review: Superjoint Ritual “Use Once and Destroy”

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Each week, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we’re taking a look at Superjoint Ritual’s debut album, “Use Once and Destroy.”

Call me a rule follower, but when an album title tells me to do something, I respectfully comply. When System of a Down came out with “Steal This Album!” in 2002, I did it (and was immediately caught by a Target security guard and sentenced to 40 hours of community service). When Taking Back Sunday released “Tell All Your Friends,” I did just that (and immediately lost said friends and earned the nickname “Mascara Boy.”)

When the Hard Times asked me to review Superjoint Ritual’s “Use Once and Destroy,” I was excited for the opportunity. Eager to do my best on the assignment, I listened to the album once. Then I smashed it with a hammer, ran over it with a riding lawnmower, and pissed on it.

Well, excuse me for being a stickler for following directions, but my editors were not thrilled with my critical method. Apparently a music reviewer is expected to listen to the album as often as possible over an extended period of time, not to play to it once while folding laundry before running it through a wood chipper.

So the fact that I can barely remember anything about this album or what it sounded like is my fault?!? If you ask me, the only mistake I made was that I should’ve done the woodchipper bit before taking a big ol’ steaming leak on it. That was kind of gross.

I mean, I remember some of it. It was loud and abrasive. Phil Anselmo was shouting a lot of shit that he probably worked really hard to justify as not being about white supremacy. And I think there was a song called “The Alcoholik,” but that part of the album is a little hazy because I took it as a recommendation to chug a bottle of whiskey.

I suppose I have to take some of the blame on this one. My bad, guys. On the bright side, this wasn’t quite as disastrous as that time I was asked to review Metallica’s “Metal Up Your Ass.” I’m still paying off those hospital bills.

Score: 2 out of 5 pissed-off editors

/**/

Teen Still Waiting for Boyfriend to Return Home From Defending Pop Punk

Posted on by Ben Friedman

HOLDREDGE, Neb. — Local teen Marissa Jenson is still dutifully waiting for her much older boyfriend to return home after leaving town to defend pop punk, concerned family members have reported.

“Everyone who doubted us will see that 500 miles and an eight-year age gap can’t stop true love. My Kevin is out there still, I know it. He promised me he’d come back for me once his band made it big and he’ll take me away from this awful town. You see, he’s really good at power chords,” said 17-year-old Jenson. “It’s been six weeks since I last spoke to him, but he probably just needs his space. I know in my heart he’ll pull up in his shining 2007 Mitsubishi Eclipse with a case of Mike’s Hard and we’ll be happy forever.”

Jenson’s mother was also worried about the whereabouts of her daughter’s boyfriend, but for much different reasons.

“Watching Marissa wait by the window day after day crying her eyes out for Kevin to get back from his two-state Midwest tour breaks my heart. It breaks my heart even more that I’ll have to cave that creep’s skull in with a field hockey stick if he steps one foot onto my driveway. No surprise that a man in his mid-twenties who still sings about how much high school sucks would have such a hold on my daughter,” said Megan Jenson. “If I had to make an educated guess about what he’s up to it probably involves grooming a 16-year-old, turning her against her parents, and then maxing out her father’s credit card buying new gear. Because that’s what he did to us.”

Holdrege High School guidance counselors have attempted to intervene in Jenson’s relationship, knowing her situation is part of a much bigger issue.

“The grooming aspect of this relationship is nefarious enough. However, it’s part of a much bigger problem plaguing the dating pool of small towns like ours. Statistics have shown 40% of teenage girls in flyover states will end up seeing someone between six and ten years their senior who plays in a band named after an obscure 80’s movie. Most of these girls end up heartbroken and hooked on snorting Adderall before they even graduate,” said guidance counselor Greta Michaels. “We try to intervene and lower their expectations after the third week of being ghosted. There’s much more stability dating an age-appropriate townie who works at Autozone.”

As of press time, Jenson’s boyfriend had returned without his band, instruments, or money, but did bring his new girlfriend as they needed a place to crash tonight.

Roommate With Pet Tarantulas Wants You to Promise Not to Freak Out Over What They’re About to Say

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

OAK RIDGE, Tenn. — Prolific tarantula owner Nell Gibbons is reportedly withholding potentially important information from her roommate until she agrees not to make a big deal over whatever it may be, concerned sources confirmed.

“I just wanted to make sure she wasn’t going to overreact like she did last time. All she needs to do is agree to the, and I think everyone is on board with this, simple task of not blowing whatever it is I’m about to tell her out of proportion,” said Gibbons. “She doesn’t even know what I’m about to bring up! I could just want to discuss world affairs, or the French literature class she’s been taking — stuff like that! She knows there’s only one way to find out, and I hope she agrees to my terms soon, because frankly the matter, whatever it may be, is getting more pressing by the second.”

Gibbons’ roommate was understandably skittish, and expressed grave concern over the conversation’s possibilities.

“I just know she’s going to tell me something awful about those horrible beasts, I just know it. Why would she make me say I wouldn’t freak out, if what she was going to say wasn’t one hundred percent worth freaking out over? I don’t know why I let her bring those things into the apartment,” lamented long-suffering roommate Vivian Westerneck. “Ugh, it’s the not knowing that really drives me up the wall. Should I just agree and get it over with? I swear, I’m just gonna fumigate this whole place without telling her one day.”

Professional animal wrangler Warren Ulkins, who just happened to be passing through he swears, was also part of the story.

“I had just been in the neighborhood, and just thought I’d pop by this particular residence, for nothing in particular. Ms. Gibbons and I hadn’t spoken on the phone or anything like that, and if we had, her speech would definitely not have been frantic and spider-based,” said Kramer. “You know, just a classic knock on the door ‘what’s the vermin situation if any?’ type of visit for me. Then, if there happens to be a swarm of something, or if something needs capturing and tranquilizing, I’m there. If not, no big deal, I’m already on my way to the next non-distress call.”

According to eyewitnesses, Westerneck’s relief that the discussion was not about her roommates’ tarantulas was short-lived after learning the news in question was a powerline fell through her bedroom ceiling, letting a large family of flesh-eating buzzards in.

How To Pick Which Track Goes First on Your Album When None of Them Start With “AARRRREE YOOUU REAAADYYY?!”

Posted on by Ciara Murphy

It feels amazing to finally have all the songs recorded for your new record. But that elation can be quickly deflated when you realize you have to pick which song goes first. Especially when not a single one of them starts with a growling inquiry into the listener’s preparation status.

Not everyone can have the ingenuity of Jonathan Davis, so we put together some tips you can use to decide which track goes first on your album. Are you ready?

Use your second-best song
You want to make sure to capture the listener’s attention with your opening track, but you don’t want to just give away your best stuff within the first three minutes of your seventeen-minute masterpiece. Give them a taste of what could be your second single if your songs were any bit appropriate for radio play. That’ll nab their attention for the rest of the album.

Add a cool sample
Why start with a song at all when you can add something obscure or kind of kooky? You could start off with a clip from a 1950s nuclear fallout training video or a sentimental birthday voicemail from your uncle. The nostalgic intrigue will keep your listeners hooked.

Let your drummer count to four
This one’s an oldie but a goodie. Nothing gets people pumped up like a short list of numbers, especially when they’re in order and match the beat of an upcoming song.

Create an elaborate and incomprehensible formula
You could go down the scientific route and put together a mathematical formula to decide on the running order of your album. This may take some extra time, depending on how much attention you paid in algebra class, but it is definitely the most accurate way to pick your track listing. The only downside to this method is that you will be plagued forever by fans obsessed with cracking your code and convincing everyone around them that they understand you better than anyone. Just ask Tool.

Ask your mom
If all else fails, you can always fall back on the fan who has been there for you the longest. Your mom will be so happy you called her, she is sure to look past all the foul language in your lyrics. Let her give the input into your life that she’s always craved. After all, mother knows best!

Opinion: I’m Tired of Being Called a Scrub for Polluting Less and Saving Money by Riding in the Passenger Side of My Best Friend’s Ride

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Times are tough. With gas prices in extreme fluctuation, it seemed like a prudent move on my part to start carpooling. My best friend and I typically go places together in order to save money and to cut down on pollution. This is why I do not appreciate being labeled a “scrub” for riding shotgun while we cruise in the HOV lane.

Global warming is serious business and we need to take measures to pollute less. While individual action will never be enough, it still can’t hurt to decongest the highways by having one less car driving on them. I’m just trying to live by the motto “WWGTD” (What would Greta Thunberg do?). Are you going to call Greta Thunberg a scrub for advocating anti-pollution measures? I don’t think so.

And what exactly is your issue with walking places anyway? Exercise is good for you! Forgive me for not buying into your consumerist car-centered culture. I have two legs and I am not afraid to use them to get myself from point T to L to C.

Aren’t there more important things to rail against than individuals who do not independently own a car? Are finances and asset ownership all that matters to you? Is the value of a man really represented by the things he has? Should I be judged by my unwillingness to buy into the vapid consumerist capitalist structure? I’m disgusted by this entire situation.

Oh, and can I have like $300 to help me cover my rent this month?