Punks With Chain Wallets Tangled Together Now Operating as Single Organism

Posted on by Max Barth

PHILADELPHIA – A dozen punks are adjusting to their new life as a single organism after getting their chain wallets tangled at a house show, confirmed amazed and slightly disgusted sources.

“I saw this dude outside the show my band was playing at, so I asked him if I could bum a cig,” said one pierced mouth of the writhing mass of humanity now known as X. “It was freezing cold, so we were all bunched up pretty close together. Next thing I know this girl comes over and asks for one. Suddenly it’s a crowd, we’re all attached at the hip, literally. My dad is a doctor and he’s basically telling me I should prepare for a new life, and that he’s not going to pay my car insurance anymore. Which is bullshit, but now that I’m permanently attached to 11 other people maybe we can get some sort of family plan.”

Emergency medical personnel initially attempted to surgically separate the individuals but failed after each of the 20-somethings refused to cooperate with authorities.

“We wheeled them into the operating room and had our world-class surgeons ready to go, but they just spit on us and called us ‘wound cops’ which I still don’t really understand,” said a doctor who saw the DIY fusion up close, granted anonymity to break HIPAA laws. “Eventually it was decided that the ethical, cost-effective thing to do was cease separation attempts and allow the punks to begin to organize into a collective consciousness, which they immediately began doing by pooling all their cash to buy a thirty rack of PBR. With a generous donation from a board member here, they were able to afford it.”

Scientists from across the world have begun initial studies of the organism.

“This is the first time we’ve seen a human ‘rat-king’ in nature. Their tangled wallet chains appear to have spontaneously formed a sort of Gordian Knot through which the punks are able to communicate, pass nutrients and discuss new advances in button pressing,” said Dr. Heins Banks, head of Cryptozoological studies at La Sorbonne in Paris. “While each constituent part of the organism formerly insisted on individuality to the point of absurdity, this new being appears willing to share more than cigarettes and anecdotes about basement shows of yesteryear.”

At press time, X was seen asking every passerby if they could bum a pack of cigarettes.

We Look Back on Deftones Because We’re Hooking Up With Our High School Girlfriend Again

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Being a single guy that never left his hometown is great because the babes always come back. And when they do, I nurse these beautiful creatures back to health before releasing them into their native Midwestern habitat. Actually, I’m hooking up with Jessica Sanchez, my newly-divorced high school sweetheart, again.

She’s coming over tonight, so I’m gonna reminisce about the Deftones songs we banged to senior year while I wait for this truck-stop Viagra to kick in.

“My Own Summer (Shove It)” We used to slam ass all night to this, but I am in much worse physical shape than I was in the mid-2000s. Somehow, Jess is in better shape and can screw circles around me. I wish this song was shorter and slower because I can’t keep up.

“Hexagram” This song is classic Deftones: Chino screaming and Steph playing heavy guitars, but it always made Jess’s dirty talk turn into extremely personal insults. I guess that’s something I blocked out because she was so hot.

“Teenager” I always wondered, “Why the fuck is this song on the album? It doesn’t fit in any way,” which was nice because you’re not supposed to cry while being whipped. Making sense of the “White Pony” tracklisting always elevated my threshold for pain.

“Passenger” Sometimes, Maynard James Keenan’s guest vocals made my dick soft. That guy is fuckin’ spooky.

“Lucky You” If “Passenger” kills the mood, “Lucky You” brought it back because it felt like we were having sex in a vampire movie. This is also about the time Jess would bite hard enough to draw blood.

“Digital Bath” This creepy ass song about electrocuting a woman in the bathtub feels pretty relatable because Jess is driving me insane. She’s cool and hot, but the sex is mega painful and she’s always like, “How do you pay for this apartment if you don’t have a job?” I sell drugs and steal people’s identities, okay?! I can afford a bigger place, but I’m trying to be discreet!

“Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)” This is exactly what I should’ve done when I saw her in the bar the other night.

I think I’ll tell Jess I have Covid or something because my sciatica’s acting up and I hate what she makes me do when “Knife Party” comes on. I don’t care how cute she is, I don’t want to play hide and seek like that ever again.

Punk Museum to Offer VR Tour Experience Where Van Gets Stolen in Philadelphia

Posted on by Dave McNamara

LAS VEGAS — The Punk Rock Museum announced that they will offer a complete virtual reality van-tour experience when it opens in March 2023, giving patrons a taste of what it’s like to be a touring punk musician.

“It’s pretty authentic. They even stop at a Waffle House so the band can all get a sink-shower,” said Dave “Skids” McKenzie of the band Grundle Musk who was part of a test audience. “At first I was skeptical, but they did a good job with the details. Right when you get in, they hit you with that smell—like Funyun-flavored malt liquor. There are shoes and filthy socks all over the place and the VR headsets all have some kind of sticky shit all over them. The van and gear getting stolen in Philly really gives you the full experience. I mean, Grundle got our shit stolen twice in Philly, and once we were just passing through to DC. That town does not fuck around.”

Fat Mike of NOFX, who spearheaded the Punk Rock Museum project, weighed in on the decision to include the interactive ride.

“I really wanted there to be a rare Japanese dildo exhibit but the backers were a little lame about it,” said the owner of Fat Wreck Chords. “Someone pitched the VR thing as a backup and I said on one condition—we have the tour end with a good old-fashioned Philly gear heist. There were a few other ideas I had, like VR participants having to split a bag of Tostitos and a jar of salsa for backstage catering, or having the security guards throw your amps in the dumpster for playing over curfew, but the coders said that was too difficult to pull off in VR.”

Philadelphia 3rd District Police Captain Ralph Pugliesi addressed the attention the Punk Rock Museum’s VR experience has given his department.

“People ask me if I’m ashamed of the notoriety, and I tell them I’m proud of it,” said Pugliesi. “3rd District is number one in all the US for stolen tour vans. It’s cute when they come in all crying and say, ‘But we backed the trailer all the way up to the wall of the Comfort Inn…’ Like that matters. Me and Jimmy O’Connell over at District 9 got a game running, to see who racks up the most stolen gear. We call it ‘Guitar Zero.’ Come to think of it, he still owes me three hundred bucks.”

Update: Since reporting, the VR Van-Tour Experience has broken down one week into the museum’s opening and is surrounded by staff with no idea how to fix it.

Opinion: I Know You’re All Pissed That I Gambled Away the Entire Band Fund, but It Also Started a Conversation and That Matters

Posted on by Peter Woods

Let’s go ahead and address the elephant in the room. Yes, I took the $3,000 we had saved over the past 4 years to record our new album and blew it all at the casino. I admit, it was wrong to do that and I’m frustrated with myself and my choices. But there’s a silver lining here that I also think is just as important to recognize: we’re having a conversation. A real, honest, and necessary conversation. And that wouldn’t have happened without me stealing the band fund.

Looking back, I will admit that what I did was reckless and pretty foolish. But I can also see how much good it could have done too. After the first fifteen minutes at the casino, I was up $23. That could have gotten two of us sandwiches during the first day of recording, which would leave out the other three of us so I had to keep going. It just sucks I lost it all in the next ten minutes.

So do you see what I’m saying? I’m bringing ideas to the table. Yes, I hear you when you say I’m a giant piece of shit who thinks less about the future than a goldfish with a lobotomy. I am listening and I see you. And that’s what it means to have a dialogue. You share an idea, I share an idea, and eventually we arrive at a place of healing and move forward without threatening anyone with violence over a couple of dollars.

What is money anyways? It’s not even real!

If you really think about it, this is a great opportunity to shape the discourse into something productive. Let’s move on from suddenly accusing people of stealing the catalytic converter out of the tour van to sell for scrap metal when no one made that connection a year ago when it happened. Let’s think about how to move forward outside of the carceral logic where you demand I pay you back.

In the long run, I think it’s pretty hard to argue against the fact that what happened will actually be a good thing for us. We’re really talking to each other in ways that we’ve never done and I think we all would have paid twice as much to do that if we had known it was an option.

Plus you guys know my parents will give us another three grand so calm down.

Band Honors the Salaries of Wives and Girlfriends Who Make Their Tours Possible

Posted on by Rose Eden

TACOMA, Wash. — Local street punk band The Brick Layers will be headlining a special show this Thursday to honor the very special ladies in their lives, and their salaries, confirmed sources who wish this gesture could have been scheduled on a weekend.

“I think it’s important that we take the time to thank our wives and girlfriends who all have really great jobs. Without them there is no way we’d be able to tour,” said bass player Jeremy Garcia as he decorated the venue with streamers purchased with his wife’s credit card. “From the moment I met Isabelle it was almost like love at first sight. Once she explained what a nurse practitioner was I was hooked, I mean that’s practically like a doctor! I knew there was no way I was ever going to let this woman go. We have two cars, I couldn’t afford a skateboard before I met her, now I have a Lexus.”

Naturally, their partners responded in a positive manner when interviewed and praised the band for the conclusion of another successful tour season.

“At the end of the day, I really do enjoy being helpful,” said Ashley Simms, wife of The Brick Layer’s drummer Roy Simms. “When he’s at home I always pack his lunch before work at the bar with whatever kind of fruit snack or Uncrustable sandwich he wants, then when he’s on the road I’m always happy to shoot him a Venmo for snacks, gas, food, whatever, even in the middle of the night! I’m part of a family business that manages multiple hedge funds, so it’s like no problem you know? I don’t have to wake up early or at all if I don’t want to. It all just sort of handles itself.”

Full-time professional tour manager “Hard” Bill Salinski noted that bands with the “Golden Ticket” of a successful partner at home are the best kinds to work with.

“A solid source of income is the difference between staying at Motel 6 or the Hilton. Eating Burger King every day, or stocking up at Whole Foods because you know these millennial kids are all vegan now,” said Salinski. “Then at the end of every gig you’re paid out cash whether they make their guarantee or not, it’s kind of amazing. In my day, if I were hard up and needed to call my old lady, I’d have to find a pay phone. These guys get a mochi doughnut craving at 3 a.m. in San Diego and boom! $50 sent to their phone so they can order UberEats.”

Garcia went on to explain that their wives’ salaries allow them the freedom to explore their other passions when off the road, such as building their careers in comic book shop management and line cheffing, among other ambitions.

Report: 84% of Gen Z Have Never Been Terrified by Nine Inch Nails “Closer” Video as Children

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

EUGENE, Ore. – A shocking new study from the University of Oregon revealed that 84% of individuals born in America after 1998 have never been absolutely balls-out terrified by the bizarre sexual imagery of the music video for “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails.

“For years, scientists have been trying to tell the world an important message,” said UO sociology professor Ramona Bird. “That the newest generation of Americans has an increasingly poor understanding of just how fucked up the video for ‘Closer’ is and how much it could warp your mind, but no one thought things were this bad. Even by optimistic projections, the percentage of children who are traumatized by that crucified monkey will fall into single digits by the end of the decade.”

High school sophomore MacKei Henderson was unfazed by the study and by the existence of the “Closer” video in general.

“I don’t get the big deal,” said Henderson while scrolling through TikTok. “It’s a bunch of cheugy ‘American Horror Story’ shit and this skinny white guy floating through the air. Maybe if I saw this when I was four, it would freak me out a little, but I’ve seen worse TikToks in the last hour alone. The beat is pretty fire, but the whole S&M thing is pretty played out. I got bored with that shit in sixth grade.”

Filmmaker Mark Romanek, who directed the Nine Inch Nails video, was despondent to hear that his work was no longer regularly causing children to develop night terrors.

“It’s extremely depressing to find that your life’s work has no meaning,” said Romanek while gazing glumly at his three Grammy Awards for Best Short Form Music Video. “That everything you have tried to teach the world is being lost to time, whether that is how to drive, how Robin Williams could actually be deeply frightening in the right role, or showing unwitting kids with access to MTV a naked woman with a cross for a face. It’s a damn shame.”

When informed of the study, Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor reportedly shrugged and continued to compose original music for an upcoming Pixar film about a rabbit who wants to be a stage magician.

Review: The White Stripes “Self-Titled”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

Each week the Hard Times takes a good, hard look at an important album in music’s storied history. Today, join me as I put my Bachelor’s Degree in Music Composition from the prestigious Hartt School Music Conservatory (Class of 2010) to good use for once, and provide a trenchant, pedagogic, but hopefully not didactic, approach to songwriting on The White Stripes’ self-titled debut LP, song by song.

Let’s all take our seats, as I have a lot of material to get through in just a short amount of time, and this can get a little complicated if you don’t pay attention. Bear with me, class is now in session.

“Jimmy The Exploder” – Oh hell yeah

“Stop Breaking Down” – Are you kiddin’ me, rips so hard

“The Big Three Killed My Baby” – *bites lip* mmhmm

“Suzy Lee” – Banger

“Sugar Never Tasted So Good” – You’ve honestly gotta be kidding me with this, LOVE

“Wasting My Time” – Yesssssssssss-

“Cannon” – (continued) -sssssssssssssssss

“Astro” – *bangs table* THIS one, right here

“Broken Bricks” – Ok, go off, Jack!

“When I Hear My Name” – Haven’t forgot about you, Meg!

“Do” – You know what’s really good on this one? The guitar and the drums. Also the singing.

“Screwdriver” – Owns.

“One More Cup of Coffee” – *raises the roof, unironically*

“Little People” – Sorry, I said this one already, but there’s no other way to put it: oh hell yeah.

“Slicker Drips” – Damn, this rocks

“St. James Infirmary Blues” – Damn, this blues-es

“I Fought Piranhas” – As luck would have it, I enjoy this one as well.

While I know a track-by-track breakdown through an academic lens may seem like heavy-handed excess, I promise you it was the only way to do justice to a collection of modern music with this much sonic nuance. I hope I’ve helped you all learn a little something. Not only about composition…but, perhaps, just maybe, about life.

Score: A+ just like all the grades I got at Hartt (Note to editor: please for the love of god, do not fact-check the previous sentence.)

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So You Drank Two Nights in a Row in Your 30s: Here’s How to Draft a Will

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

For most people in their twenties, drinking two nights in a row is hardly notable. It’s basically an every-other-day occurrence. While you may get hungover, you’re young so you’ll recover. Well, now you’re in your thirties so the fact that you had two glasses of merlot at dinner one night followed by a few beers at the bar the next, means you’re feeling like death this morning. And since this hangover might actually kill you, here’s how to draft a will.

Feeling too nauseous to figure out how to do that? Fear not! We consulted with a friend who knows a lawyer. We’ll teach you how to write your will step by step! It’s so simple even a pickled thirty-something can follow along.

First things first, you’ll want to make a comprehensive list of your assets. Given your current age, it’s likely you started your drinking tenure around the time of the 2008 recession. As such, you don’t own many nice things. Still, note anything you think has value, or in your case, sentimental value. And don’t puke on your list! Vomit voids legal documents.

Once you have your list ready, you’ll want to decide who gets to inherit the assets you own. Since you’re still drinking on consecutive nights we’re guessing you either don’t have children or don’t care much about the ones you have. Perhaps leave your tattered couch to the pandemic cat you adopted in 2020.

Don’t forget that when it comes to certain assets within your will, you do have the ability to make specifications. For example, instead of simply leaving your dusty art history degree to your parents, you can specify that they hang it up above the mantle in their living room. This way they won’t remember you for your dumb drinking decisions and instead remember you for your dumb educational decisions.

Finally, you’ll need to find an attorney to have this will officialized. Once the room stops spinning, search google for law firms that specialize in end-of-life planning. Give them a call and explain the gravity of your situation. They’ll understand.

The Weekly Scene Report: January 28, 2023

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Are you one of those people who waits until the end of the week to read up on news? Well, you’re in luck. Here’s your one and only chance to catch up on the most important stories you missed this week.

Metalhead Forgets to Ask For Anything in Return When Making Deal With the Devil

Read the full story here.

Death Metal Guitarist Suffers Permanent Hearing Damage After Seeing One Movie at an AMC Theater

Read the full story here.

Awkward: Woman Not Sure What To Do With Hands During Handjob

Read the full story here.

Punk on “Wheel of Fortune” Asks if He Can Bum a Vowel

Read the full story here.

Brendon Urie Delivers Panic! At The Disco Breakup Speech Into Mirror

Read the full story here.

Watch Out! This Rebel Wears a D.A.R.E. Shirt Even Though She Does Drugs

Read the full story here.

Gen Zer Keeps Collection of Concert Ticket PDFs on Old Phone in Shoe Box

Read the full story here.

Oh Fuck: The Bad To The Bone Guitar Riff Started Playing As That Bearded Guy Entered the Room

Read the full story here.

Kraftwerk Asks Sound Guy if They Can Get More Beeps and Boops in Monitor

Read the full story here.

“Velma” Creators Promise Scooby-Doo Will Appear In Season Two, Show Full Cock And Balls

Read the full story here.

 

 

John Frusciante, Flea “Fine” With Anthony Kiedis Naming Harmonious, Beautifully Intricate Song “Clappa Dap Funk Suckin’ Mama”

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — Guitarist and bassist of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, John Frusciante and Flea, satiated publicly that they are “totally fine, whatever” with lead singer Anthony Kiedis naming their melodic, intricate song “Clappa Dap Funk Suckin’ Mama.”

“After a decade away, what made me want to rejoin the band was the special relationship I have with Flea. And with Chad behind the kit, the magic we create is just too special to ignore. Oh and Anthony is there, as well. Nice guy,” explained RHCP guitarist Frusciante, while sheepishly looking around the room. “Recently, Flea and I were totally in the pocket jamming on a new track. It was this really sophisticated groove that blends early Parliament and some Buzzcocks, with even a little Halim El-Dabh. Anthony heard it and immediately started writing lyrics about ‘a chick who was some type of Spanish’ that he banged at one of Diddy’s white parties. Took him no more than five minutes to write all the lyrics on a used napkin.”

The frequently maligned Kiedis explained his songwriting process.

“I don’t know if it’s just my years of experience, or perhaps something supernatural even, but sometimes lyrics just pour out of me. And that’s exactly what happened with ‘Clappa Dap Funk Suckin’ Mama.’ To the untrained plebeian, lyrics like ‘suckin’ on mine in a 69,’ or even ‘ding dang dang dong dong dang’ might seem like the ravings of a drooling, poon-crazy lunatic. But there’s actually a much deeper meaning to it all,” explained Kiedis while gesticulating his arms wildly. “Of course, I can’t just explain how and why my lyrics are so profound, but true fans understand that there are many layers to ‘Catholic School Girls rule.’”

Music historian Susannah Fitzpatrick cited other examples of bands with tenuous relationships with lead singers.

“The history of rock and roll is riddled with tight knit, talented musicians forced to tolerate blustery and obnoxious lead singers. While I imagine it is very difficult for these brilliant bands to deal with the David Lee Roths and Fred Dursts of the world, hopefully the millions of dollars, legion of adoring fans, and plentiful, selfish sex is enough consolation for them,” said Fitzpatrick. “As for Kiedis, while some fans may deride his ability, the fact is, there is no Chili Peppers without Anthony. You think Flea could’ve come up with putting a tube sock on his dick? Yeah right.”

At press time, a frustrated Frusciante already started planning his third departure from the band.