EUGENE, Ore. – A shocking new study from the University of Oregon revealed that 84% of individuals born in America after 1998 have never been absolutely balls-out terrified by the bizarre sexual imagery of the music video for “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails.
“For years, scientists have been trying to tell the world an important message,” said UO sociology professor Ramona Bird. “That the newest generation of Americans has an increasingly poor understanding of just how fucked up the video for ‘Closer’ is and how much it could warp your mind, but no one thought things were this bad. Even by optimistic projections, the percentage of children who are traumatized by that crucified monkey will fall into single digits by the end of the decade.”
High school sophomore MacKei Henderson was unfazed by the study and by the existence of the “Closer” video in general.
“I don’t get the big deal,” said Henderson while scrolling through TikTok. “It’s a bunch of cheugy ‘American Horror Story’ shit and this skinny white guy floating through the air. Maybe if I saw this when I was four, it would freak me out a little, but I’ve seen worse TikToks in the last hour alone. The beat is pretty fire, but the whole S&M thing is pretty played out. I got bored with that shit in sixth grade.”
Filmmaker Mark Romanek, who directed the Nine Inch Nails video, was despondent to hear that his work was no longer regularly causing children to develop night terrors.
“It’s extremely depressing to find that your life’s work has no meaning,” said Romanek while gazing glumly at his three Grammy Awards for Best Short Form Music Video. “That everything you have tried to teach the world is being lost to time, whether that is how to drive, how Robin Williams could actually be deeply frightening in the right role, or showing unwitting kids with access to MTV a naked woman with a cross for a face. It’s a damn shame.”
When informed of the study, Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor reportedly shrugged and continued to compose original music for an upcoming Pixar film about a rabbit who wants to be a stage magician.