LOS ANGELES — The producers of HBO Max’s “Velma” responded to the criticism of the new animated series and promised that Scooby-Doo will finally appear in season 2, with his cock and balls will be on full display at all times, multiple excited sources confirmed.
“Since everyone online has been, like, sooo rude about there not being a Scooby in this show, we went fine, whatever,” explained star and producer Mindy Kaling. “We’ll bring on the stupid dog, gosh. But, like, we are going to completely reinvent the character. The good time Scooby you know and love will now be a socially conscious dog that teaches all his peers about consent, also his weird penis will be in every shot. I really think it’s the right move for the show. Our hope is that the Scoob’s omnipresent red lipstick will distract from the fact most of this show was written by an AI program.”
The addition of the beloved talking dog to the seemingly-doomed adult cartoon has done little to sway Twitter critic Andrea Garza.
“Look, I grew up with Scooby-Doo cartoons, and especially loved the live-action movies, as cheesy as they are. But when has spitefully adding a dog dick to the mix ever worked out for anyone?” Garza said. “And after having the chance to interview Kaling, I’m even more distraught over this new change. Apparently, many of the plotlines in season two will revolve around the negative aspects of not neutering your dog, including Scooby-Doo constantly marking with his urine, and eventually developing prostate disease.”
Veteran voice actor Frank Welker admitted he has some questions about why Scooby’s genitals figure so heavily into the new show.
“I’ve been a part of ‘Scooby-Doo’ since the ‘60s. And I treasure the characters I play, but I’m having trouble finding out what the motivation is behind Scoob constantly referring to his ‘rock and ralls,’ you know?” said Welker. “I tried my best to be professional and work with the material I was handed, but by the time the table read got to the scene of Scooby and Dynomutt having full penetrative sex on top of the Mystery Machine, I had to get up and leave.”
At press time, Kaling was seen scrolling through the Hanna-Barbera Wikipedia page, looking for a beloved character she could rewrite as a January 6th insurrectionist.