LOS ANGELES — The 95th Academy Awards is expected to feature intimidating English actress Mia Goth slightly offstage and ready to scream at any winners that go over their time, petrified sources confirmed.
“Long-winded or preachy acceptance speeches have always been a problem for the Oscars. Slowly turning up the music on the winners wasn’t cutting the mustard. But after seeing ‘Pearl’ a few months back, I got the brilliant idea of letting Mia Goth linger menacingly out of frame to enforce our strict speech policy,” explained award show producer Zoe Carillo. “It’s a win-win for us because it’ll keep the show under time, and also I’m terrified of Mia. So I’m hoping this gig will ease the pain of us not nominating her. I mean, she’s married to Shia Lebouf, so she’s gotta be at least partially insane, right?”
Goth elaborated on her “creative journey” while preparing for the upcoming show.
“Just like with acting, there’s a process to terrifying celebrities into peeing their tuxes and fleeing the Dolby Theatre in terror. You can’t go right to screaming ‘what are you doing you little baby?’ at Ke Huy Quan,” said Goth. “You’ve got to first give him a couple of eyebrow-less glares, followed by a few whispered threats, and then some distracting scarecrow humping in front of the podium. I’ve also been granted carte blanche to stick Judd Hirsch in the chest with a pitchfork if he goes off about Tibet or the rainforest or anything like that.”
While unusual, Hollywood insider Wyatt Robinson claimed similar tactics are being considered for other major award shows.
“After last year’s brouhaha at the Oscars, everyone is exploring new and exciting ways to keep celebrities in line like the trained circus animals they are,” said Robinson. “Word has it that the Emmys are considering fitting every nominee with a shock collar and then giving the remote to Brian Cox so he can shock anyone at his discretion. And the Grammys has arranged a deal with the California Penal System to let Suge Knight out of prison for the evening.”
In a related story, The Academy announced that James Cameron will be waiting in the lobby to beat the shit out of anyone that gets up to use the bathroom during the event.