Deadhead Prefers Version of “Happy Birthday” Sung to Him by Family on 10/28/92

Posted on by Max Barth

SAN FRANCISCO — Local deadhead Conrad Heath announced that, while he certainly appreciates his loved ones singing “Happy Birthday” to him every year, no performance can surpass the live version he recorded in 1992, confirmed disappointed relatives.

“Not only is the audio quality better on my tape than most of the early ‘90s shows my dad pulled from VHS, this was the final performance featuring Grandpa, whose creative anti-harmonies were integral to that era’s storied sound,” said Heath. “Further, the remastered 10/28/92 performance shows that my family did an incredibly rare ‘Happy Birthday’>’How Old Are You Now’>’For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow’ medley that blew me the fuck away. And who could forget the absolutely sizzling thirteen minute solo by Crackers, my dog who barked nonstop for the entirety of his life. That whole day, sunny and warm, was a vibe I’ll never forget. I think I got a Super Nintendo, too.”

Other guests have differing memories of the day, however.

“I was at that birthday party and I know it’s Conrad’s favorite,” said one of his cousins, granted anonymity in order to disagree with a family member they still buy weed from. “I gotta say, though, nothing for me will top the ‘98 version. There’s been a lot of speculation about changes in the family’s sound after Aunt Edna overdosed, but I still rank the ‘98 ‘Happy Birthday’ as the best. Maybe it’s just where I was standing. In ‘92, my view was blocked by Grandpa, and that fucking dog was barking in my ear the whole time.”

John Mayer, who has toured with Bob Weir, Mickey Hart and Bill Kreutzmann for several years as Dead & Company, offered several hundred thoughts in an attempt to reconcile fans divergent views.

“You know, I’ve listened to both [the ‘92 and ‘98] recordings endlessly and I honestly don’t know what is better,” said Mayer in between DMing Instagram models 25 years younger than him. “I think ‘92 had a magic and ephemeral breath to it that was necessary to create the ‘98 take, but I also think the ‘98 version was a real repudiation of an earlier era of ‘Happy Birthday’ performances that were understandably more playful. Put simply, one is a scorcher you kind of ride like a dragon and the other is the cool vapor from rain after the dragon burns down the village. I mean, I’m the village and the dragon, in a sense. Are we still recording?”

As of press time, Heath was arguing with fans online regarding the legitimacy of the Zoom birthday song of 2020.

Kidz Bop Changes Blink-182 Lyrics to Make them Less Childish

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — The producers of Kidz Bop will be including pop punk legends Blink-182 on their latest release after altering the band’s lyrics to make them less inane and childish, struggling songwriting sources confirmed.

“Just like Kate Bush and Metallica, kids today are rediscovering Blink-182. That’s why Kidz Bop is including ‘What’s My Age Again?’ on our next album. In the past, we’ve morally objected to introducing preteens to pop punk, for…unfortunately obvious reasons. But we think Blink can get a pass here,” said producer Kyron Cooper. “But making this song appropriate for Kidz Bop has proved incredibly challenging. And it’s not just the sodomy and payphone references. We typically like our lyrics to be at a third grade reading level, but Mark writes like an ADHD kindergartner that still pulls his pants all the way down at the urinal.”

Local child Eleni Nguyen was entirely unfazed by the news of Blink-182’s inclusion.

“Oh yeah, I might have been into them a few years back, but I feel like I’m a big girl and I’m too grown up for them. Not sure what they’re doing on Kidz Bop, though. I just wanted to hear some sanitized versions of Lizzo songs, not whatever ‘SoCal skate punk’ is,’” said Nguyen. “I got curious why my parents liked these guys so much so I looked up the real lyrics. And honestly, I’m pissed that they make me listen to kid-friendly Taylor Swift covers but my dad used to listen to a song called ‘Fuck A Dog.’ That one totally shocked me, but only because that was apparently what passed for humor in the ‘90s.’”

Sociologist and music historian Lawrence Boyle explained how these sorts of changes for mainstream acceptance are very common in rock and roll.

“Whether it be for television appearances or radio play, many bands willingly flush their artistic integrity down the crapper and change their lyrics when money gets involved,” said Boyle. “But sometimes it’s not just lyrics that bands must change in order to make it to the big leagues. For instance, A Simple Plan had to deny their overt Canadianness before being allowed on Warped Tour ‘99. Pierre Bouvier still cries remembering all the interviews in which he was forced to declare that he hated poutine.”

Currently, Blink-182 is hard at work on a pre-school album for kids three and under in which their songwriting style is changed in no way whatsoever.

Band Lugging Gear up Stairs Decides to Stop Here and Make Basecamp for the Night

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

WINDSOR LOCKS, Conn. — Exhausted members of touring egg punk outfit Choir of Crustaceans are reportedly tired of hauling their equipment up the venue stairs and have decided to make camp for the night, sources close to the band confirmed.

“Who makes their venue on the sixth floor of a building with no elevator? The air started getting thin around the third floor, and by then we had already dipped into our food rations pretty deep,” said Choir of Crustaceans farfisa organist Wyatt Winthrop. “We all agreed it would be a fool’s errand to keep trudging in those hellish conditions, especially with all our amps and stuff, so we set up our basecamp to rest up and shoot for the summit in the morning. If we survived.”

Other band members report foreseeing the possibility of a treacherous climb over the course of their 16-city Northeast tour.

“It took a lot of arguing and sticking to my guns, but I’m glad I convinced everyone my emotional support pack mule was coming with us in the van. Who’s crazy now?” asked drummer Craig Messian, trying to conceal an air of smugness. “I don’t mean to rub it in, but we would have never gotten all our gear up without him. He almost made it enjoyable, but then we noticed the frozen skeletons of the band who attempted to play here last week nearby. That put a damper on matters.”

Record-breaking Everest climber Kami Rita Sherpa lent his expert perspective to the band’s grueling climb.

“I respect their commitment, I really do. I’ve climbed Mount Everest 26 times, but I’ve never done it while trying to keep rogue snow out of my vintage keyboards. That takes guts. Or at least a heroic lack of planning,” said Kami Rita. “You get to the DIY venue on Everest by the Khumbu glacier…six flights of stairs are brutal. These kids deserve medals, or at least a write-up in the AV Club. In fact, I’d vow to do my next trek with the very same Marshall amps they did theirs with, in solidarity. But, sadly, I’m a dyed-in-the-wool Peavey man. I wouldn’t touch a Marshall amp with even my most frostbitten fingers.”

At press time, Choir of Crustaceans finally made it to their gig on the sixth floor only to learn shortly after it was called off due to lack of pre-sales.

The Next Morrissey? This Guy Is Getting More Conservative as He’s Getting Older and He’s Really Into Morrissey

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Former Smiths singer Steven Patrick Morrissey was one of the leading lights of the 1980s boom of Manchester post-punk rock, sensationalizing critics with his witty, sensitive lyricism, uniquely prissy stage presence, and obsession with being the only person in the band allowed to talk, but he had better move over!

A Seattle man named Trevor Murray Hammond is getting increasingly and worryingly conservative in his political and social opinions as he ages, and he loves the Moz almost as much as the singer does himself.

Both Morrissey and Hammond are vegetarian, but while Hammond originally adopted a lacto-ovo diet in order to reduce his cholesterol and maybe stop having a stomach ache all the time, he has now taken to describing the way he immediately demands a restaurant server tell him what on the menu is plant-based without even bothering to look as a “fundamental right.” Morrissey may call off entire concerts just because the venue once sold hot dogs, but Hammond is really stepping up his game, plus he claims to have read every letter that the singer sent Melody Maker as a teen to tell them how all their reviews were completely wrong.

And get this, even though Hammond is not actually British, he loves wearing a Union Jack t-shirt and claiming that the atrocities of colonialism under the British Empire need to be taken into “historical context,” whatever the fuck that means. Just like his hero Morrissey, he is becoming more and more of a staunch defender of “traditional values” (though not when it comes to his own sexual preferences or background) and also rarely acknowledges how most of the unacknowledged support in his life comes from Mexican-Americans.

In fact, much like his musical and outdated hairstyle idol, Hammond has frequently referred to people of color as “subhuman!”

Although this particular Last of the Famous International Playboys does not have the musical talents of Morrissey, he more than makes up for it with an ideology of cultural isolationism and resentment that is alienating pretty much everyone that has ever loved him

Just like Moz!

Review: Botch “We Are the Romans”

Posted on by Tim Graham

Each week the Hard Times reflects upon a classic album of yore—this time we’re taking a look at Botch’s mathy-metal hardcore opus “We Are the Romans.” Critically acclaimed upon release, this seminal album’s stature has only grown in the intervening two decades and is now regarded as a defining moment in metalcore.

In preparation to discuss the album, I thought it would be due diligence to get up to speed on ancient Roman history. I want to sound smart like those Pitchfork writers who pack their reviews with obscure references and big words and stuff. I’m at a bit of a disadvantage because I’m guessing most of them were English majors, while I’ve only got 23 credits toward an associate degree in hydroponic gardening.

In my enthusiasm to learn, I checked out the six-volume The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire from the library. The thing is, it was written in the 18th century and honestly, I found the dated prose to be a bit over my head. There aren’t very many pictures, either. I actually gave myself a black eye when I fell asleep trying to get through the preface and smashed my face on my desk.

With books being off the table, I figured a podcast might be more up my alley. I decided to give Hardcore History’s “Death Throes of the Republic” series a shot. I had a looming deadline and over 13 hours of pod to get through, so I tried to save some time by listening while I slept, hoping to absorb the knowledge through osmosis. Unfortunately, I woke up as dumb as ever, possibly dumber. I did feel compelled to sign up for HelloFresh for some reason, though.

I was at a loss as to how I could quickly learn about the history of ancient Rome when it’s so complicated and confusing. Then it dawned on me: I put on the movie “300,” knowing that if anyone could distill the essence of ancient Rome into an easily digestible format, it would be my man Zack Synder. The movie was awesome, and I learned so much! The most important thing I learned was that “300” is about ancient Greece, not Rome.

At that point, I found myself totally out of options. In a desperate bid to experience anything even remotely Roman, I fired up the Little Caesars app. In summation, I can tell you that “We Are the Romans” pairs quite nicely with a 14” Three Meat Treat, and I’m pretty confident that “Frequency Ass Bandit” is about Crazy Bread.

Score: 10/10 Hot and Ready pizzas

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Graphic Designer Saves New File as “Bane Flyer FINAL FINAL.PSD”

Posted on by Matt McInerney

WORCESTER, Mass. – Local graphic designer Jamie O’Connor, is reportedly saving a new file as “Bane Flyer FINAL FINAL.psd” and sending it to the members of Bane, as they announce their new last show of all time, uncertain sources confirmed.

“Every graphic designer knows the curse of naming a file ‘FINAL.’ When Bane asked me to design a flyer for their last final reunion show in 2021, I remember saving the file as ‘Bane Flyer FINAL.psd.’ So honestly, this one’s on me. Had I just called it ‘Bane Flyer R12.psd,’ or something like that, this would have never happened.” said O’Connor while digging his “Give Blood” CD out of storage. “We could have said our last emotional goodbyes and laid our hoodies to rest. But hey, the extra 50 bucks won’t hurt. So I’m just going call this one ‘FINAL FINAL’ and ship it.”

Bane’s bassist James Siboni believes this is just a misunderstanding.

“In the hardcore scene the word ‘final’ is more of a placeholder. Sure, we played our final show in Philly and then our final show in Worcester. We never said we played our final show in Boston,” said Siboni. “Well, I may need to check my notes on that. But still, what are you complaining about? You still love us and can finally afford parking. We’re bored, and rent is going up. This ‘final final’ show is a win-win for everyone.”

Curtis Moran, local scene legend and self-reported ‘hardcore expert,’ is not surprised.

“Don’t tell me you’re shocked by this ‘final final’ show business! This is just the beginning. This is the part where it’s still mostly the original members, and everyone is feeling a bit restless. We haven’t even gotten to the part where the original members are all gone, and the new guys don’t even own the rights to the name, so start forming bands like ‘Bane A.D.,'” said Moran. “You ever hear about the ‘Ship of Zao?’ It’s a fun little thought experiment I came up with. Does a band without any of its original members remain the same band? No one cares, you keep buying tickets!”

At press time, the band was rehearsing their new emotional new closer, “Can We End Again.”

Man Playing Double-Neck Guitar Clearly Overcompensating for Having Only One Penis

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LOS ANGELES — Several members of the crowd at a local hard rock show suspected guitar shredding has-been Dwayne “Tiger” Richmond’s over-the-top noodling of his double-check guitar may have been his way of overcompensating for having only one dick, confirmed several sources wanting a look inside the guitarist’s slacks.

“These people, they envy me. I’m out here, giving them all the show of talent and badassery the likes of which the world has never seen,” a clearly balding Richmond explained. “Every Night I rock out, giving my all. Rocking just as, if not harder than anyone out there with two dicks. Not saying I don’t have two dicks, but if I did only have one dick, I would still be just as good at playing guitar. I mean, monopenis is a thing, but I wouldn’t know, I’m too busy melting faces with solos to be bothered by that sort of thing.”

Showgoer Alice Munro witnessed the sad behavior Richmond displayed on stage that embarrassing night.

“After about three songs into their set, me and several other people in the audience pretty much all caught on to what was happening,” Munro explained. “This glammed-out dude with one of those double guitar things just kept shredding and shredding. It’s like the guys that hang giant fake testicles off the bumpers of their trucks, they are clearly insecure about the fact they don’t have at least a dozen testicles bouncing between their thighs. I feel bad for these guys, nobody cares about their genitals and it drives them to do strange things.”

Rock n’ roll historian JT Cutler is well aware of the world of famous musicians who are obviously trying to make up for their deficiencies.

“Insecurity is the motivating factor for every artist ever,” Cutler said. “Whether it stems from a loveless childhood, or issues in adulthood, most rock stars are trying to fill a giant void in their life. Only a few people know that Slash got so good at guitar because he was afraid of what people would think about his third nipple. And Jethro Tull, he got so good at the flute because he learned early on, he would never have the ability to bring his lovers to climax in bed. Musicians are people too, and have common, everyday problems like these.”

At press time, Richmond was seen taking out the gourds that created two large bulges in the crotch of his spandex.

The Next Fugazi? Costco’s Rotisserie Chicken Still Only Costs Five Bucks

Posted on by Jon Wood

As an idealistic punk kid who grew up idolizing bands like Fugazi, I never imagined that I would someday find myself face-to-face with the next generation’s version of my heroes. While it would be impossible for Fugazi to maintain their “$5 show” policy today, Costco’s rotisserie chicken will forever cost just five bucks.

Whoever the Costco CEO is, they must have pledged to uphold the inclusive and ascetic values instilled in the 1980s hardcore scene. Costco warehouses are open to all ages, their self-checkout aisles are 100% DIY, and they will never charge more than five bucks for our signature whole rotisserie chicken. Plus, the way they infuse the Dischord-era ethos into their Kirkland Signature roster of products is the most punk thing since dumpster diving for sliced bread. Which is something I’ve also done at Costco.

They must be sensitive to the irony in that Fugazi was notorious for refusing to sell branded merch, which is precisely why all of their logo apparel is made to look like crappy bootlegs.

While the major food labels waste billions on packaging and advertising, Costco keeps prices low through old-fashioned word-of-mouth and watching every dollar. If the health department would let them ditch the plastic containers and serve you the whole chicken on a stick, believe me, they would. Plus, their policy of confronting unruly customers to prevent senseless acts of violence is just one more way Costco has carried on the legacy of ethical innovators like Ian MacKaye.

Now help keep a lookout while I steal this chicken.

New Evidence Suggests Monkey from “Shock the Monkey” and Monkey from “Monkey Gone to Heaven” are Same Monkey

Posted on by Tim Graham

OXFORD, England — Oxford University musicology professor Edward Gosnold discovered new details lending credence to his hypothesis that the subject of both Peter Gabriel’s and Pixies’ monkey-themed songs are the same exact primate, confirmed bespectacled sources at a pub near the university.

“I’ve spent the better part of the past three years gathering evidence that the two monkeys are the same specimen. Members of both musical groups have been tight-lipped about the provenance of the monkey, but I’ve been steadfast in my pursuit of the truth,” said Gosnold as he inspected the “Shock the Monkey” 45 sleeve through a magnifying glass. “The monkey, called Chim Chim, was originally owned by Gabriel’s bassist Tony Levin, who used to ‘shock’ the poor beast regularly with his ribald humor, inspiring the oft-misinterpreted song.”

Former Pixies roadie Brian Montrose confirmed that guitarist Joey Santiago did in fact acquire a pet monkey named Chim Chim in 1986.

“Chim Chim was a great mascot for the band. Kim Deal used to feed him raisins,” said Montrose as he wound a long XLR cable in the correct manner. “A lot of people think that the song means the monkey died and went to heaven, but that’s not true. Joey felt that life on the road was too hard on the little guy, so he sent him to live at the Heaven Sanctuary for Show Business Animals in upstate New York. Frank Black was heartbroken to see him go, and channeled that emotion into writing a song. He shortened the name of the facility in the title to make it easier to write on setlists.”

Susan Cordova, the program coordinator at Heaven Sanctuary, spoke highly of Chim Chim.

“Chim Chim came to us in 1991 and has led a happy life here ever since,” said Cordova. “We’ve had many notable celebrity animals in our care over the years. We took in those big cockroaches from Nine Inch Nails’ ‘Closer,’ Slash’s boa constrictor from the ‘Patience’ video, as well as the poor dog from the cover of The Jesus Lizard’s ‘Down’. We also had the Bee Girl from the Blind Melon video with us for a time, for some reason. That might’ve been a clerical error, now that I think of it.”

At press time, it was revealed that Chim Chim had come out of retirement, most recently starring in David Lynch’s “What Did Jack Do?”

How I Started to Like Who I Saw in the Mirror by Taping up a Picture of Late Great WWE Superstar Eddie Guerrero to My Mirror

Posted on by Ryan Harnedy

When I look in the mirror, I didn’t always like what I see. Sure there are things to like, but none of those things are legs built for leaping from the top rope into an El Camino at Backlash or a smile with the ability to elicit both admiration and rage at the same time. So after years of therapy and self-care, I can finally say I like who I see when I look in the mirror: A poster of WWE superstar Eddie Guerrero.

I don’t believe I am alone in this problem. Poor self-image affects people of all races, genders, and wrestling federations. In fact, I’ll bet if you’re honest with yourself, sometimes you look in the mirror and you don’t like who you see because you’re not looking at Eddie Guerrero.

True, honest self-reflection is difficult. And I want to be strong enough to do that. So here goes. I have never driven a low-rider down a ramp while my theme music announced the beginning of a title match with Dean Malenko. There, I admit it. Now the healing process can begin.

I don’t have the exact numbers on hand, but I’m pretty sure approximately one in five men and one in eight women want to be Eddie Guerrero. Unfortunately, every year, fewer than one in eight billion people actually become WWE Superstar Eddie Guerrero.

But there’s hope! There are steps you can take to help you like who you see in the mirror. Some of them include positive self-talk, mental hygiene, changes to diet and exercise, and a bunch of other hard stuff Oprah recommends. But all of these pale in comparison to just taping a poster of Eddie Guerrero to your mirror.

Everyone goes through periods of insecurity and everyone needs a pick-me-up every once in a while. But if you follow my advice, you’ll be feeling great in no time because you’ll be feeling like Eddie Guerrero. That is until you look in any other mirror and realize you’re just Perry Saturn.