Each week the Hard Times reflects upon a classic album of yore—this time we’re taking a look at Botch’s mathy-metal hardcore opus “We Are the Romans.” Critically acclaimed upon release, this seminal album’s stature has only grown in the intervening two decades and is now regarded as a defining moment in metalcore.
In preparation to discuss the album, I thought it would be due diligence to get up to speed on ancient Roman history. I want to sound smart like those Pitchfork writers who pack their reviews with obscure references and big words and stuff. I’m at a bit of a disadvantage because I’m guessing most of them were English majors, while I’ve only got 23 credits toward an associate degree in hydroponic gardening.
In my enthusiasm to learn, I checked out the six-volume The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire from the library. The thing is, it was written in the 18th century and honestly, I found the dated prose to be a bit over my head. There aren’t very many pictures, either. I actually gave myself a black eye when I fell asleep trying to get through the preface and smashed my face on my desk.
With books being off the table, I figured a podcast might be more up my alley. I decided to give Hardcore History’s “Death Throes of the Republic” series a shot. I had a looming deadline and over 13 hours of pod to get through, so I tried to save some time by listening while I slept, hoping to absorb the knowledge through osmosis. Unfortunately, I woke up as dumb as ever, possibly dumber. I did feel compelled to sign up for HelloFresh for some reason, though.
I was at a loss as to how I could quickly learn about the history of ancient Rome when it’s so complicated and confusing. Then it dawned on me: I put on the movie “300,” knowing that if anyone could distill the essence of ancient Rome into an easily digestible format, it would be my man Zack Synder. The movie was awesome, and I learned so much! The most important thing I learned was that “300” is about ancient Greece, not Rome.
At that point, I found myself totally out of options. In a desperate bid to experience anything even remotely Roman, I fired up the Little Caesars app. In summation, I can tell you that “We Are the Romans” pairs quite nicely with a 14” Three Meat Treat, and I’m pretty confident that “Frequency Ass Bandit” is about Crazy Bread.
Score: 10/10 Hot and Ready pizzas