Philly Dad Passes Down His Father’s Throwing Batteries for Son to Use at Super Bowl

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PHILADELPHIA — Lifelong Philadelphia Eagles fan Michael Catalano passed down his father’s beloved pack of throwing batteries to his son Anthony for his trip to Super Bowl LIX, family sources confirmed this morning.

“Our family has been throwing these batteries since 1972 — I got them from my old man when he passed away after a long and painful battle with some drunk moron at Oscar’s Tavern,” said Mr. Catalano. “Our batteries have been chucked at some of the most athletic skulls in the world: Sidney Crosby, Tom Brady, J.D. Drew… and this one hot-shot at the pitch-and-putt. But my old man’s dream over the past few seasons has been to absolutely annihilate that State Farm-shilling chump Patrick Mahomes.”

When Anthony scored tickets to see the Eagles in the Super Bowl on Sunday, the elder Catalano knew it was time to pass along the heirloom batteries.

“Somewhere, up above — or, more realistically, down below — I know Pops is smiling on his grandson, hoping he smashes up pretty-boy Mahomes’ face real good,” said the proud father. “It’s time for me to let them go. I can’t put the heat on them like I used to; my accuracy is gone. Anthony was a hell of a pitcher in Little League. I know he’ll do some damage with the Catalano D-size ‘Mini Missiles.’”

Some, however, including self-proclaimed “Chiefs mega-fan” who only really started following the team in 2020, Shannon Connelley, aren’t thrilled by the Catalano tradition.

“I’d like to think those battery throwin’ tool bags are in the minority, but we all know that every mouth-breathing Philly sports fan is a greased-pole climbing, drunken hooligan. Hell, their team hasn’t even beaten anyone good yet, besides all those good teams with winning records they demolished,” said Connelley. “These no-BBQ cooking schmucks threw snowballs at Santa Claus. If I saw them disrespecting Santa in person, I’d glare at them from a safe distance so hard.”

At press time, Anthony Catalano is allegedly drunk and shirtless on Bourbon Street, screaming, “Fuck the Cowboys.”

Millencolin Ready If Called Upon for Any Future Punk-O-Rama Releases

Posted on by Dustin Newman

ÖREBRO, Sweden — Pop punk mainstays Millencolin reiterated their stance that they are ready to participate in any new editions of the defunct compilation series Punk-O-Rama, despite no indications of the collection’s return.

“Vinyl made a big comeback, and is breaking all kinds of sales records. But unfortunately, you don’t see many compilation albums on vinyl. They’re really a shitty CD thing. Though I will say, I’m even seeing people buying cassettes again, which makes me a touch hopeful,” said Millencolin guitarist Erik Ohlsson. “I guess it’s all cyclical, but how long do we have to wait for compact disc notalgia to kick in and they start making compilations like that again? I know the guys from Lagwagon, Pulley, and Ten Foot Pole all have one or two songs they are willing to throw away as well.”

Punk-O-Rama enthusiast and avid compilation collector Chet Talavera was only aware of the band’s existence through their inclusion in the series.

“I legitimately cannot believe there are nine full Millencolin studio albums. To be honest, I didn’t really know Millencolin had such an extensive back catalog. I figured they just called these guys up when the people that put together the compilations needed a 14th track on the album,” said Talavera while looking at the band’s Wikipedia entry. “All I know is, if I flip to the compilations section in my CD binder and pull out a random disc, there’s a good chance Millencolin will have a song on there.”

The band’s management is currently searching for alternative methods to gain exposure.

“I called the Punk-O-Rama people, and frankly there’s just not a lot of interest in bringing that series back right now. Something about CD sales dropping by about 100% over the last two decades,” said Millencolin manager Slick Bailey. “I’ve been racking my brain on an alternative way for us to cash in. Aren’t they making Tony Hawk games again? Or maybe those birthday cards that play music when you open them. Yeah, that could work.”

At press time, Millencolin made it known if push comes to shove, they’d be willing to appear on a lesser compilation series like Punk Goes Pop, but they draw the line at Punk Goes Crunk.

How to Use Pro Tools to Touch Up All of Your Imperfections as a Human Being Too

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Everyone who has ever entered the studio in the past 15 years or so, knows that Pro Tools is the standard program engineers use to make fuck ups on tracks disappear. With one click, drag, or touch of a key, any semblance of humanity in a record production can be wiped away replacing it with a smooth, clean, flawless robotic sound the masses demand.

You might wonder, “Wow, if only a program like Pro Tools could fix all the flaws and fuck ups I tend to display in my everyday life, then I would appeal to the masses!” Well you’re in luck because here you will find some little-known facts about the recording software that can make you as a person seem as though you have zero flaws, much like that metal drummer you love (that sounds like every other metal drummer.)

Say you are a drummer in a metal band. When you’ve been laying down your tracks, you know there are many spots that you’ve fucked up on. Low snare hit here, stick hitting a shell during a fill there. You get done recording, and you feel like a real piece of shit. You know you’re an inferior drummer. This is when your engineer and Pro Tools come in to eradicate that sense of inadequacy! 3 hours later, all those pesky self-doubts are smashed and you walk away thinking you’re a regular Mikkey Dee.

Sure, you have love and passion for your music. But how much do you really contribute to society? Sometimes your inferiority complex turns to anger, then tends to alienate you from your friends and loved ones. But once you finally release that polished, clicky-sounding punk EP using the ‘Tools, you’ll have no reason to think you’re a worthless sack of crap any longer!

Years of abandonment issues lead you down the path to alcoholism. You can’t hold a steady job, maintain loving relationships, or participate in modern-day society. With Pro Tools, however, all of that stuff and more can be replaced! All that needs to be done is, get a basic understanding of the program, then go on forums about it, and insult everyone on there for being idiots and not knowing what they’re talking about!

The best part about Pro Tools, however, is the deep menus users have found throughout the years. There, they have ways of polishing up annoying traits such as always talking with your mouth full, refusing to make any eye contact when someone is talking to you, having horrible dogshit breath, and can even touch up the way you’re always stealing stuff from restaurants and hotel rooms! Pro Tools can help shape the way you’re perceived as a musician, but also as a human being!

Opinion: Red Hot Chili Peppers Is Just Phish for People Who Like Red Hot Chili Peppers

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

Quick! Name a forty-year-old funky rock quartet known for on-stage nudity, a history of substance abuse, and dedicated fans who don’t mind that they’re still churning out the same-sounding songs every album. It’s Phish, right? Gotta be Phish. Who else but Phish? Unless we’re talking about the Red Hot Chili Peppers. But they’re basically Phish, just for people who like Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Red Hot Chili Peppers make the kind of music that Phish fans would like, only if instead of ten-minute jams they were into geographical rap-rock. The musicianship is incredible but it can get kinda repetitive and struggles to leave its limiting musical suburb. I must be talking about the Vermont quartet with their own Ben & Jerry’s flavor but I’m talking about the Red Hot Chili Peps.

Tell me, what band does this sound like? The fans know the best live shows, they know the ups and downs of their discography, and they spend a lot of money on concert tickets. You will only hear the band’s music when you visit your pothead friend. Their popularity is almost entirely based on the drug trade in the parking lot outside of their shows. Again, you’d think I was talking about Phish, and I was this time, but I could also be talking about the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Do you like Flea’s bass? Do you dig a little low-end to lay that groove down? Then you should check out Phish’s Mike Gordon. Maybe jam some “Wolfman’s Brother” and try to ignore the silly falsetto bits. Or put on “Sugar Shack” but also ignore the sour notes. Look, some of Phish’s vocals are more energy than accuracy. It’s fair to say Trey is no Anthony Kiedis. It’s also fair to say Red Hot Chili Peppers are Phish for people who like Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Deadhead Prefers Version of “Happy Birthday” Sung to Him by Family on 10/28/92

Posted on by Max Barth

SAN FRANCISCO — Local deadhead Conrad Heath announced that, while he certainly appreciates his loved ones singing “Happy Birthday” to him every year, no performance can surpass the live version he recorded in 1992, confirmed disappointed relatives.

“Not only is the audio quality better on my tape than most of the early ‘90s shows my dad pulled from VHS, this was the final performance featuring Grandpa, whose creative anti-harmonies were integral to that era’s storied sound,” said Heath. “Further, the remastered 10/28/92 performance shows that my family did an incredibly rare ‘Happy Birthday’>’How Old Are You Now’>’For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow’ medley that blew me the fuck away. And who could forget the absolutely sizzling thirteen minute solo by Crackers, my dog who barked nonstop for the entirety of his life. That whole day, sunny and warm, was a vibe I’ll never forget. I think I got a Super Nintendo, too.”

Other guests have differing memories of the day, however.

“I was at that birthday party and I know it’s Conrad’s favorite,” said one of his cousins, granted anonymity in order to disagree with a family member they still buy weed from. “I gotta say, though, nothing for me will top the ‘98 version. There’s been a lot of speculation about changes in the family’s sound after Aunt Edna overdosed, but I still rank the ‘98 ‘Happy Birthday’ as the best. Maybe it’s just where I was standing. In ‘92, my view was blocked by Grandpa, and that fucking dog was barking in my ear the whole time.”

John Mayer, who has toured with Bob Weir, Mickey Hart and Bill Kreutzmann for several years as Dead & Company, offered several hundred thoughts in an attempt to reconcile fans divergent views.

“You know, I’ve listened to both [the ‘92 and ‘98] recordings endlessly and I honestly don’t know what is better,” said Mayer in between DMing Instagram models 25 years younger than him. “I think ‘92 had a magic and ephemeral breath to it that was necessary to create the ‘98 take, but I also think the ‘98 version was a real repudiation of an earlier era of ‘Happy Birthday’ performances that were understandably more playful. Put simply, one is a scorcher you kind of ride like a dragon and the other is the cool vapor from rain after the dragon burns down the village. I mean, I’m the village and the dragon, in a sense. Are we still recording?”

As of press time, Heath was arguing with fans online regarding the legitimacy of the Zoom birthday song of 2020.

Kidz Bop Changes Blink-182 Lyrics to Make them Less Childish

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — The producers of Kidz Bop will be including pop punk legends Blink-182 on their latest release after altering the band’s lyrics to make them less inane and childish, struggling songwriting sources confirmed.

“Just like Kate Bush and Metallica, kids today are rediscovering Blink-182. That’s why Kidz Bop is including ‘What’s My Age Again?’ on our next album. In the past, we’ve morally objected to introducing preteens to pop punk, for…unfortunately obvious reasons. But we think Blink can get a pass here,” said producer Kyron Cooper. “But making this song appropriate for Kidz Bop has proved incredibly challenging. And it’s not just the sodomy and payphone references. We typically like our lyrics to be at a third grade reading level, but Mark writes like an ADHD kindergartner that still pulls his pants all the way down at the urinal.”

Local child Eleni Nguyen was entirely unfazed by the news of Blink-182’s inclusion.

“Oh yeah, I might have been into them a few years back, but I feel like I’m a big girl and I’m too grown up for them. Not sure what they’re doing on Kidz Bop, though. I just wanted to hear some sanitized versions of Lizzo songs, not whatever ‘SoCal skate punk’ is,’” said Nguyen. “I got curious why my parents liked these guys so much so I looked up the real lyrics. And honestly, I’m pissed that they make me listen to kid-friendly Taylor Swift covers but my dad used to listen to a song called ‘Fuck A Dog.’ That one totally shocked me, but only because that was apparently what passed for humor in the ‘90s.’”

Sociologist and music historian Lawrence Boyle explained how these sorts of changes for mainstream acceptance are very common in rock and roll.

“Whether it be for television appearances or radio play, many bands willingly flush their artistic integrity down the crapper and change their lyrics when money gets involved,” said Boyle. “But sometimes it’s not just lyrics that bands must change in order to make it to the big leagues. For instance, A Simple Plan had to deny their overt Canadianness before being allowed on Warped Tour ‘99. Pierre Bouvier still cries remembering all the interviews in which he was forced to declare that he hated poutine.”

Currently, Blink-182 is hard at work on a pre-school album for kids three and under in which their songwriting style is changed in no way whatsoever.

Band Lugging Gear up Stairs Decides to Stop Here and Make Basecamp for the Night

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

WINDSOR LOCKS, Conn. — Exhausted members of touring egg punk outfit Choir of Crustaceans are reportedly tired of hauling their equipment up the venue stairs and have decided to make camp for the night, sources close to the band confirmed.

“Who makes their venue on the sixth floor of a building with no elevator? The air started getting thin around the third floor, and by then we had already dipped into our food rations pretty deep,” said Choir of Crustaceans farfisa organist Wyatt Winthrop. “We all agreed it would be a fool’s errand to keep trudging in those hellish conditions, especially with all our amps and stuff, so we set up our basecamp to rest up and shoot for the summit in the morning. If we survived.”

Other band members report foreseeing the possibility of a treacherous climb over the course of their 16-city Northeast tour.

“It took a lot of arguing and sticking to my guns, but I’m glad I convinced everyone my emotional support pack mule was coming with us in the van. Who’s crazy now?” asked drummer Craig Messian, trying to conceal an air of smugness. “I don’t mean to rub it in, but we would have never gotten all our gear up without him. He almost made it enjoyable, but then we noticed the frozen skeletons of the band who attempted to play here last week nearby. That put a damper on matters.”

Record-breaking Everest climber Kami Rita Sherpa lent his expert perspective to the band’s grueling climb.

“I respect their commitment, I really do. I’ve climbed Mount Everest 26 times, but I’ve never done it while trying to keep rogue snow out of my vintage keyboards. That takes guts. Or at least a heroic lack of planning,” said Kami Rita. “You get to the DIY venue on Everest by the Khumbu glacier…six flights of stairs are brutal. These kids deserve medals, or at least a write-up in the AV Club. In fact, I’d vow to do my next trek with the very same Marshall amps they did theirs with, in solidarity. But, sadly, I’m a dyed-in-the-wool Peavey man. I wouldn’t touch a Marshall amp with even my most frostbitten fingers.”

At press time, Choir of Crustaceans finally made it to their gig on the sixth floor only to learn shortly after it was called off due to lack of pre-sales.

The Next Morrissey? This Guy Is Getting More Conservative as He’s Getting Older and He’s Really Into Morrissey

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Former Smiths singer Steven Patrick Morrissey was one of the leading lights of the 1980s boom of Manchester post-punk rock, sensationalizing critics with his witty, sensitive lyricism, uniquely prissy stage presence, and obsession with being the only person in the band allowed to talk, but he had better move over!

A Seattle man named Trevor Murray Hammond is getting increasingly and worryingly conservative in his political and social opinions as he ages, and he loves the Moz almost as much as the singer does himself.

Both Morrissey and Hammond are vegetarian, but while Hammond originally adopted a lacto-ovo diet in order to reduce his cholesterol and maybe stop having a stomach ache all the time, he has now taken to describing the way he immediately demands a restaurant server tell him what on the menu is plant-based without even bothering to look as a “fundamental right.” Morrissey may call off entire concerts just because the venue once sold hot dogs, but Hammond is really stepping up his game, plus he claims to have read every letter that the singer sent Melody Maker as a teen to tell them how all their reviews were completely wrong.

And get this, even though Hammond is not actually British, he loves wearing a Union Jack t-shirt and claiming that the atrocities of colonialism under the British Empire need to be taken into “historical context,” whatever the fuck that means. Just like his hero Morrissey, he is becoming more and more of a staunch defender of “traditional values” (though not when it comes to his own sexual preferences or background) and also rarely acknowledges how most of the unacknowledged support in his life comes from Mexican-Americans.

In fact, much like his musical and outdated hairstyle idol, Hammond has frequently referred to people of color as “subhuman!”

Although this particular Last of the Famous International Playboys does not have the musical talents of Morrissey, he more than makes up for it with an ideology of cultural isolationism and resentment that is alienating pretty much everyone that has ever loved him

Just like Moz!

Review: Botch “We Are the Romans”

Posted on by Tim Graham

Each week the Hard Times reflects upon a classic album of yore—this time we’re taking a look at Botch’s mathy-metal hardcore opus “We Are the Romans.” Critically acclaimed upon release, this seminal album’s stature has only grown in the intervening two decades and is now regarded as a defining moment in metalcore.

In preparation to discuss the album, I thought it would be due diligence to get up to speed on ancient Roman history. I want to sound smart like those Pitchfork writers who pack their reviews with obscure references and big words and stuff. I’m at a bit of a disadvantage because I’m guessing most of them were English majors, while I’ve only got 23 credits toward an associate degree in hydroponic gardening.

In my enthusiasm to learn, I checked out the six-volume The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire from the library. The thing is, it was written in the 18th century and honestly, I found the dated prose to be a bit over my head. There aren’t very many pictures, either. I actually gave myself a black eye when I fell asleep trying to get through the preface and smashed my face on my desk.

With books being off the table, I figured a podcast might be more up my alley. I decided to give Hardcore History’s “Death Throes of the Republic” series a shot. I had a looming deadline and over 13 hours of pod to get through, so I tried to save some time by listening while I slept, hoping to absorb the knowledge through osmosis. Unfortunately, I woke up as dumb as ever, possibly dumber. I did feel compelled to sign up for HelloFresh for some reason, though.

I was at a loss as to how I could quickly learn about the history of ancient Rome when it’s so complicated and confusing. Then it dawned on me: I put on the movie “300,” knowing that if anyone could distill the essence of ancient Rome into an easily digestible format, it would be my man Zack Synder. The movie was awesome, and I learned so much! The most important thing I learned was that “300” is about ancient Greece, not Rome.

At that point, I found myself totally out of options. In a desperate bid to experience anything even remotely Roman, I fired up the Little Caesars app. In summation, I can tell you that “We Are the Romans” pairs quite nicely with a 14” Three Meat Treat, and I’m pretty confident that “Frequency Ass Bandit” is about Crazy Bread.

Score: 10/10 Hot and Ready pizzas

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Graphic Designer Saves New File as “Bane Flyer FINAL FINAL.PSD”

Posted on by Matt McInerney

WORCESTER, Mass. – Local graphic designer Jamie O’Connor, is reportedly saving a new file as “Bane Flyer FINAL FINAL.psd” and sending it to the members of Bane, as they announce their new last show of all time, uncertain sources confirmed.

“Every graphic designer knows the curse of naming a file ‘FINAL.’ When Bane asked me to design a flyer for their last final reunion show in 2021, I remember saving the file as ‘Bane Flyer FINAL.psd.’ So honestly, this one’s on me. Had I just called it ‘Bane Flyer R12.psd,’ or something like that, this would have never happened.” said O’Connor while digging his “Give Blood” CD out of storage. “We could have said our last emotional goodbyes and laid our hoodies to rest. But hey, the extra 50 bucks won’t hurt. So I’m just going call this one ‘FINAL FINAL’ and ship it.”

Bane’s bassist James Siboni believes this is just a misunderstanding.

“In the hardcore scene the word ‘final’ is more of a placeholder. Sure, we played our final show in Philly and then our final show in Worcester. We never said we played our final show in Boston,” said Siboni. “Well, I may need to check my notes on that. But still, what are you complaining about? You still love us and can finally afford parking. We’re bored, and rent is going up. This ‘final final’ show is a win-win for everyone.”

Curtis Moran, local scene legend and self-reported ‘hardcore expert,’ is not surprised.

“Don’t tell me you’re shocked by this ‘final final’ show business! This is just the beginning. This is the part where it’s still mostly the original members, and everyone is feeling a bit restless. We haven’t even gotten to the part where the original members are all gone, and the new guys don’t even own the rights to the name, so start forming bands like ‘Bane A.D.,'” said Moran. “You ever hear about the ‘Ship of Zao?’ It’s a fun little thought experiment I came up with. Does a band without any of its original members remain the same band? No one cares, you keep buying tickets!”

At press time, the band was rehearsing their new emotional new closer, “Can We End Again.”