WINDSOR LOCKS, Conn. — Exhausted members of touring egg punk outfit Choir of Crustaceans are reportedly tired of hauling their equipment up the venue stairs and have decided to make camp for the night, sources close to the band confirmed.
“Who makes their venue on the sixth floor of a building with no elevator? The air started getting thin around the third floor, and by then we had already dipped into our food rations pretty deep,” said Choir of Crustaceans farfisa organist Wyatt Winthrop. “We all agreed it would be a fool’s errand to keep trudging in those hellish conditions, especially with all our amps and stuff, so we set up our basecamp to rest up and shoot for the summit in the morning. If we survived.”
Other band members report foreseeing the possibility of a treacherous climb over the course of their 16-city Northeast tour.
“It took a lot of arguing and sticking to my guns, but I’m glad I convinced everyone my emotional support pack mule was coming with us in the van. Who’s crazy now?” asked drummer Craig Messian, trying to conceal an air of smugness. “I don’t mean to rub it in, but we would have never gotten all our gear up without him. He almost made it enjoyable, but then we noticed the frozen skeletons of the band who attempted to play here last week nearby. That put a damper on matters.”
Record-breaking Everest climber Kami Rita Sherpa lent his expert perspective to the band’s grueling climb.
“I respect their commitment, I really do. I’ve climbed Mount Everest 26 times, but I’ve never done it while trying to keep rogue snow out of my vintage keyboards. That takes guts. Or at least a heroic lack of planning,” said Kami Rita. “You get to the DIY venue on Everest by the Khumbu glacier…six flights of stairs are brutal. These kids deserve medals, or at least a write-up in the AV Club. In fact, I’d vow to do my next trek with the very same Marshall amps they did theirs with, in solidarity. But, sadly, I’m a dyed-in-the-wool Peavey man. I wouldn’t touch a Marshall amp with even my most frostbitten fingers.”
At press time, Choir of Crustaceans finally made it to their gig on the sixth floor only to learn shortly after it was called off due to lack of pre-sales.