BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Self-proclaimed freethinker Terry Schuse added a 75th thin blue line sticker to his prized truck despite constantly ranting about government tyranny, confirmed multiple sources who learned just to ignore him.
“Fact of the matter is the boys in blue are the only thing keeping this country from going to complete shit. The police would operate so much better without politicians writing all these bullshit laws and regulations,” said Schuse. “Cops should be able to work off of their gut instinct. If they don’t like how a fella looks at them then I think they should be able to put the boots to the guy. Show them who is boss around here. I make sure I salute every police officer I see, and I spit at all the jack-booted thugs in the government who keep trying to limit my god-given rights as an American citizen.”
Local police officer Sandra Gomez says she sees a lot of support from people who drive tricked-out pickup trucks.
“I got into law enforcement to be a positive change, but everything is so political now. When I see these guys wearing Punisher tank tops and modified American flags I sort of cringe,” said Officer Gomez. “They have all these plans to tear down the government and start over, but I don’t have the heart to tell them I’m actually a government employee. It would blow their minds if they found that out. They all think government is some abstract idea specifically designed to make their lives miserable. But it is nice when they buy me a coffee in the morning.”
Distributors of pro-police merchandise say business has never been better.
“I always vote Democrat because whenever there is some ‘radical leftist’ in the White House my business booms,” said Darrin Landers, owner and operator of Patriot USA Merch. “Whenever I need a little bump in business I’ll go on Facebook and share an article from 2021 about defunding the police and I watch the orders come rolling in. The weird thing is those same people will buy the ‘Kill Your Local Politician’ and ‘Trump for Dictator’ shirts I made on a dare. I don’t know if any of these people have the ability to connect the two ideologies.”
At press time, Schuse was in a catatonic state of ecstasy after stumbling across a giant thin blue line version of the Confederate flag.