If You Didn’t Want To Get Crowdkilled, You Shouldn’t Have Stood Next to Me in Line at the Bank While I Was Listening to Madball on My Headphones

Posted on by Tim Graham

Ever go to a hardcore show and see those weaklings standing on the edges of the pit, just begging to be crowdkilled? Well, this was like that, except instead of being at a show, I was at the bank.

I was waiting to dump a Folgers can full of change into the coin machine, listening to Rogan on Spotify and minding my own business. It was on shuffle, so Madball’s “The World is Mine” came on when the episode ended. What was I supposed to do, stand there like an idiot?

Of course, I had no choice but to start windmilling and kicking. All the stuck-up chickenshits around me were acting all shocked. Okay, so I knocked a lady down, but I picked her right up. It’s just proper pit etiquette. Right when the breakdown kicked in, some stupid rent-a-cop ran over and bum-rushed me out the door.

People who go to shows, banks, or supermarkets need to be aware of their environment. If you get nailed, that’s on you. Stand near the pit, expect to get crowdkilled.

Being as passionate about hardcore as I am can occasionally be a problem. Once I destroyed a Chinese buffet because someone there had a Negative Approach song as their ringtone. When I snapped out of it, I was covered in lo mein and being yelled at by a chef with a big-ass cleaver.

Then there was my Memaw’s funeral. Someone coughed during the eulogy and it sounded a lot like a beatdown riff. I instinctively swung my arms around a few times before I realized what I was doing and gave my uncle Howard a black eye.

The good news is that a UFC agent witnessed me rocking out at the bank and offered me a gig on the spot. They just put me in the ring, blast some old-school shit and I go the fuck off. I’m currently undefeated.

Review: Puscifer “Conditions of My Parole”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Each Sunday The Hard Times takes a look at a notable album from the past. This time around we reviewed Puscifer’s “Conditions of My Parole,” the sophomore album from the band considered a “side project” of Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan.

When my editor put Puscifer’s 2011 album “Conditions of My Parole” up for grabs, I jumped at the chance to review it. Mostly because in the nearly 12 years since its release, I’ve been dedicating most of my time to running a local chapter of the Church of Saint Maynard James Keenan.

Now before you get all atheistic and snarky on me, please take a moment to consider what I have to say. We here at the CSMJK pride ourselves on not being like those pushy, judgemental evangelical preachers you’d see in a regular church, oh no. We’re deeply open-minded. Our motto is actually “All Are Welcome*,” with the asterisk referring to section 1a of our 3,000-page handbook which states:

“All Are Welcome (Should You Understand that Tool, A Perfect Circle, and Puscifer are the Defining Musical Acts of a Generation, and Spreading the Good Word of Saint Maynard James Keenan is the Most Important, Holy Work One Can Do)”

See? We’re not like those bigoted homophobes you’d find down the street. We’re simply a collection of dedicated fans who will stop at nothing to ensure that everyone worships the same man, even though he’s really gone out of his way to publicly discuss his distaste for contemporary celebrity culture in the West.

And yes, the rumors are true. He had some business cards printed up that said “Jesus H. Christ,” which, now that I think about it, seems more of an ironic and scathing commentary on placing a single human on a pedestal than an invitation to codify him into some sort of mock religion like I’ve wasted over a decade of my life doing.

Oh, fuck me. Could it be that I’ve wildly misinterpreted or outright ignored lyrics like “Narcissistic drama queen / Craving fame and all its decadence”? The answer seems like yes.

Now I can’t help but doubt all the other things that have totally gone over my head. In the title track of “Conditions of My Parole,” Keenan sings that he “shipped her off to Mozambique.” I used to think this was literal, but my god, it seems that in hindsight, he’s talking about performing some sort of execution. I can’t in good conscience continue my work at the Church after learning this.

I guess I will refocus my efforts towards unmasking anonymous bands that wish to remain that way to avoid the pitfalls of public life. That seems like a much better use of my time!

SCORE: 1/7 members of Ghost doxxed.

/**/

Metalhead Makes it Through Med School Solely on Memorized Carcass Lyrics

Posted on by Chris Bowen

OXFORD, England — Local metal fan William McClusky miraculously aced his way through the prestigious Oxford University Medical School solely on memorized lyrics by legendary death/grind band Carcass, several headbanging sources report.

“I knew ever since I was a mini metal fan that if I could make it through high school and memorize some lines by the almighty Carcass I could easily be a doctor one day, “McClusky said while sharpening his own personal scalpel. “It was totally easy too, whenever the professor asked a question on surgical instruments, I just said, ‘Retractors, mallets, rugines and benders, chisels, rods’ and watched them be blown away! And honestly, the lyrics to ‘Ruptured in Purulence’ basically had all the answers to my exams right in that one song. It’s like a brutal cheat code.”

Founding member and vocalist/bassist for Carcass Jeff Walker never really knew how authentic many of his lyrics really are.

“Man, when I wrote those lyrics all those years ago, I basically just threw together a bunch of medical mumbo-jumbo and cool-sounding Latin words I made up,” Walker explained. “I never really thought someone could learn legitimate medical terminology and help them pursue a doctorate. I mean, ‘Excoriating Abdominal Emanation?’ What the fuck is that? I don’t really know, but it sounds pretty sick.”

Dean of admissions at Syracuse University Charles Seward gives some examples of students making it through college based on metal lyrics.

“It’s funny, in all my years of interaction with students, I can always spot the metalhead,” Seward explained while ashing his corn cob pipe. “History majors always tend to cruise through the curriculum using Iron Maiden or Running Wild lyrics. Math majors use the weird timing of bands like Cephalic Carnage to help them study. And a lot of times, science majors tend to use the themes of bands like Voivod to help them through biology classes. Metal is much more egghead oriented than most people realize!”

At press time, McClusky was seen going over some Haemorrage lyrics in his head in preparation for an upcoming extra credit assignment.

The Weekly Scene Report: February 4, 2023

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It’s the end of the week, which means now is your last chance to catch up on the most important stories you missed in the scene over the last seven days.

John Frusciante, Flea “Fine” With Anthony Kiedis Naming Harmonious, Beautifully Intricate Song “Clappa Dap Funk Suckin’ Mama”

Read the full story here.

So You Drank Two Nights in a Row in Your 30s: Here’s How to Draft a Will

Read the full story here.

Band Honors the Salaries of Wives and Girlfriends Who Make Their Tours Possible

Read the full story here.

Punks With Chain Wallets Tangled Together Now Operating as Single Organism

Read the full story here.

We Look Back on Deftones Because We’re Hooking Up With Our High School Girlfriend Again

Read the full story here.

Teen Still Waiting for Boyfriend to Return Home From Defending Pop Punk

Read the full story here.

Quiz: Bright Eyes Lyric or Quote From the Green River Killer

Read the full story here.

Guitarist Replaces Perfectly Fine Brake Pedal With $299 Boutique Brake Pedal

Read the full story here.

Punk Museum to Offer VR Tour Experience Where Van Gets Stolen in Philadelphia

Read the full story here.

Hardcore Toddler at Chuck E. Cheese Stops Playing to Pick up Kid Knocked Down in Ball Pit

Read the full story here.

Help! Everyone Thinks I’m Rich but I Just Look Nice in a Sweater

Read the full story here.

Aphex Twin Fires Up Password Generator After Finishing New EP

Posted on by Tyler Roland

CORNWALL, U.K. – Renowned electronic musician Aphex Twin recently logged into his lastpass.com premium account to glean titles for the tracks on his upcoming EP, sources that meet up with Twin to circuit-bend old toys each month confirmed.

“It’s well worth the £12.50 I pay per month for this,” Aphex Twin enthused while writing down several 15-character-long strings of letters and numbers. “I sit back and let it rip. Hell, it just gave me ‘Fl0w$ers2369’ a moment ago. Maybe it doesn’t roll off the tongue like ‘m6920.86_bpmedit,’ but I’ll take it all the same. All of my remaining creative energy is spent distorting my face in Photoshop for the album artwork, anyway.”

Director and frequent collaborator Chris Cunningham was excited to hear about Aphex Twin’s unorthodox methodology.

“Aphex Twin has been pushing the limits of music for nearly 40 years and he continues to find new ways to innovate with song titles that not a single person can remember, and uses at least one capital letter and special character. ‘Cock/Ver10,’ ‘s950tx16wasr10,’ ‘Peek824545201,’ those are all classics,” Cunningham explained as he skinned a rat for an art installation. “He sent me a new one the other day, ‘Mix492%avi_FINAL,’ to see about a video for a single. The beauty of it is that you never know if that’s the working title or the one he’ll use. Magic.”

Sophia Cygnet, a product manager at lastpass.com, was pleased to hear of the world-famous IDM pioneer using the service.

“Usually, only white-collar businesses ask their employees to use our site so they can take their cybersecurity up a level. It’s very rare that we get legitimate music stars emailing our customer service asking about any future software updates,” Cygnet explained. “I’m hoping Aphex gives us a shoutout in the liner notes for his new release. Fingers crossed he name drops us and my friends finally recognize how cool proper password management and generation can be instead of ragging on me for being a sellout.”

At press time, Aphex Twin was reportedly mumbling about “going back to the classics” by naming a track on the EP “password123456.”

Police Force Signs Local Schoolyard Bully to Development Deal

Posted on by Doug Kolic

BATTLE MOUNTAIN, Nev. – Officials at the Battle Mountain PD announced that they successfully signed Spencer Hall, a local schoolyard bully, and complete menace, to a long-term development deal, according to sources busy falsifying their police reports.

“We got him. The BMPD were able to negotiate contract terms with the family of a young up-and-coming shitbag so he can be the future of our workforce,” exclaimed Police Chief Walter Cromby while unlawfully detaining a Black teenager for jaywalking. “Eight-year-old Spencer Hall has been on our radar ever since we heard how he successfully shook down a dozen classmates for their lunch money, blamed it on another student, and got off Scot-free. This kid’s a natural, and with a few years under our expert tutelage, he’ll be accepting bribes from mobsters, destroying evidence for crooked businessmen, and beating the crap out of his family like a pro. Sky’s really the limit for this little asshole.”

The boy’s mother Kaylee Hall was pleasantly surprised that he was headed for a career in law enforcement.

“Spencer’s been bullying fellow students and teachers for years, so we naturally thought he’d be in juvie by now,” stated a beaming Mrs. Hall sipping on a breakfast beer. “But apparently his bad attitude, fits of violent rage, and ability to lie through his teeth are the exact reasons all those police departments across the state were courting him. We try to support him as best we can by basically letting him do whatever he wants without any consequence. Now if you’d excuse me, we have a meeting with his principal soon to discuss his alleged use of the N-Word. They grow up so fast.”

Criminologist Dr. Jane Saric described how police forces are on the lookout for young talent to fill the shoes of outgoing corrupt officers.

“As the current crop of bad cops retire or get shuffled to desk duty after misconduct allegations, there’s a big need to hire replacements who already know how to game the system,” explained Dr. Saric. “And those replacements are getting younger and younger each year. Heck, I even heard that one police department was interested in signing the future rights to any offspring Kyle Rittenhouse may have, hoping the apples don’t fall far from the rotten tree. I can’t tell you who they are, but if you guessed the LAPD you’d be right. Obviously.”

At press time, Spencer was being treated to ice cream after he successfully planted some of his stepdad’s cocaine on his homeroom teacher to avoid a homework assignment.

4 Vegan Egg Alternatives To Consider That Are Still More Expensive Than Eggs

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

With the price of eggs continuing to soar, many consumers are naturally looking for cost-saving alternatives. Well, we wish we could tell you that vegan egg replacers were cheaper, but for the most part, they aren’t. Sure, you could try using chickpea juice or ground-up flaxseed like some crunchy influencer, but we both know it’s not going to work right. You’ll just end up pissed off at the world and the lying Instagram vegans who somehow make everything look easy.

Instead, check out these easier-to-use vegan egg alternatives that still cost more than even overpriced chicken eggs. At least you’ll feel some fleeting moral superiority for giving them a shot!

Bob’s Red Mill Egg Substitute
A twelve-ounce bag of this powdered egg replacement costs about five dollars and is allegedly equivalent to thirty-four eggs. While that may seem like a steal these days, you’ll probably use your entire first bag on trial-and-error batches of baked goods that turn out like shit and end up wasting $20 worth of other ingredients. We wish it weren’t true, but it is.

JUST Egg
For around four to six bucks, you can snag a bottle of this decent egg replacement for scrambles at most grocery stores. It has eight eggs worth in each bottle so don’t do the math because you will realize it’s still super expensive. It’s vegan though! Keep reminding yourself of that.

JUST Egg Folded
For roughly the same price as a bottle of JUST Egg, but now with just four servings, JUST Egg Folded is premade and really convenient and delicious if you want to make a breakfast sandwich that’s low in cholesterol. But lower in price? Hell no! Instead, focus on the cholesterol part so you feel okay about it.

Peggs
If you’re looking for a plant-based egg replacement that has a cutesy vegan name that doesn’t really make sense, look no further than “Peggs.” This chickpea-based product costs thirty-six dollars for three dozen Peggs (are we using that right?). So until eggs reach a dollar each, Peggs aren’t cheap. Check back in a few months, though, because that very well may happen.

11 Reasons You Shouldn’t Eat That Edible You Had Twenty Minutes Ago

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

It’s a glorious day at the beach! The sun is out and everyone is having fun. Here’s why you shouldn’t have had those gummies your friend offered.

You Shouldn’t Trust That Guy On Dosages

He said it wasn’t very strong but doesn’t he smoke like an ounce a day? Also, do you even know what a big dose is? Since when were you an expert?

It’s Never Worked Out Before

Last time you took edibles you ran out a building because you didn’t like the vibes and passed out on a bus stop bench. The time before that you got so paranoid you threw up. You probably shouldn’t eat any. Wait, you already ate them? Uh oh.

Something Is Off

Right? The air is a little weird. Or is it the beach? The people? Why is it so hard to think straight thoughts suddenly? Ah shiiiiiiit.

People Are Talking To You

Words coming out of mouths? Dammit. You hear them but can’t interpret what they mean. What the hell does “Where’s the bathroom” mean? Do you know these people?

Are You Being Weird Right Now?

They’re looking at you funny. Say something. Make sure it is words. Don’t walk away don’t walk away don’t walk away. Make eye contact.

You Walked Away

Eyes are weird now you free now.

You’re Too Far From Home

Safety of familiarity gone. Where the hell are you?

Don’t Fall Asleep Don’t Fall Asleep

Bed far away why can’t sleep there. Maybe find nice bus stop.

Somebody Is Depending On You For Something But You Can’t Remember What

Right? Probably? You can’t let go now. What if you’re supposed to drive your friend to the cake store? You gotta be letting someone down somewhere.

You’re Going To Be Like This Forever

Did you take an edible? Maybe you didn’t and your brain just damage. Maybe edible started damage. Maybe it will be better if you tell that stranger what’s happening.

Thoughts Going Away Now

….

Reup Is Itttuuh Errm Rkigggkkmnnn

Rusojifnawesa fadrrr iosopsad O.A.S.K.M. Vaamilli? Slllle scasd ajsoimjnmv oenmmks!

Every Every Time I Die Album Ranked

Posted on by Bobby Korec

The absolute best part about music is getting the chance to rank a band’s albums from “complete shitshow of a release” to “gosh dang, pump this audio directly into my veins and don’t stop until I pass out.” Exactly what musicians want from their fanbase. That being said, here’s the definitive ranking of Every Time I Die’s discography.

9) Last Night in Town (2001)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “The Logic of Crocodiles”

Skip It: “Enter Without Knocking And Notify The Police”

8) Gutter Phenomenon (2005)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “Bored Stiff”

Skip It: “Guitarred and Feathered”

7) New Junk Aesthetic (2009)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “Wanderlust”

Skip It: “Goddam Kids These Days”

6) The Big Dirty (2007)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “Pigs Is Pigs”

Skip It: “Depressionista”

5) Ex Lives (2012)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “I Suck (Blood)”

Skip It: “A Wild, Shameless Plain”

4) From Parts Unknown (2014)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “The Great Secret”

Skip It: “Cheap Ludes”

3) Radical (2021)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “Distress Rehearsal”

Skip It: “We Go Together” but only if you’re short on time

2) Hot Damn! (2003)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “Godspeed Us to Sea”

Skip It: Don’t you dare skip any of these songs

1) Low Teens (2016)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it again: “I Didn’t Want To Join Your Stupid Cult Anyway”

Skip It: No

Support Waning for Friend in Recovery Now That He Has Six-Pack Abs

Posted on by Matt McInerney

PORTLAND, Maine — Support for local man Kevin Davidson is reportedly waning amongst friends as they slowly realize his recovery bolstered his social status and helped tone his physique beyond their comfort level, bitter sources confirmed.

“I owe it all to my friends. Two years ago, I was depressed and drunkenly stumbling around my dingy apartment. Just a blob of a man, really. But they were always there for advice. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen any of them since that one shirts versus skins pickup basketball game over the summer. Not sure why,” remembered Davidson with a slight pause. “And hey, look at me now! I’m happy. I have a girlfriend. And I’m shredded! Everything is so much better except for the fact that all my friends seemed to change their phone numbers at the same time because they haven’t responded to any of my texts recently.”

Gavin Wilkinson, a close friend of Davidson’s, is also starting to miss those days.

“I remember back when I used to visit his dark apartment and give him pep talks. I’d say stuff like, ‘hey, maybe one day you can have a great apartment like mine!’ or ‘you’ll find a nice girl!'” remembered Wilkinson. “And, well… goddamn, he really did. Like tenfold. He completely turned his life around. He bought an amazing house all on his own. His girlfriend was my high school crush. And, god, that six-pack. The guy doesn’t even exercise. Your body must naturally form a defined torso when you give up drugs and alcohol.”

Adaline Bowers is a counselor who has worked in rehab facilities since her own recovery.

“Who doesn’t love a schlubby troubled friend that makes you feel good about yourself? Someone that makes you feel like you have your shit together. You’re the guru that gets to say things like ‘maybe don’t drink before noon,'” said Bowers. “But you run into trouble if they ever actually listen. Suddenly your ‘friend’ is living their best life, and you’re forced to look in the mirror. You wonder, ‘was I ever really filled with wisdom?” They say comparison is the thief of joy. But it’s also the lonely pillar of one-sided condescending-advice-based friendships.”

An eyewitness later reported seeing Davidson thanking a vegetarian friend for encouraging him to go veggie initially and asking if they ever thought about going vegan like him.

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