Meghan Horgan, Author at HARDTIMES

Graphic Designer Saves New File as “Bane Flyer FINAL FINAL.PSD”

Posted on February 7, 2023 by Matt McInerney

WORCESTER, Mass. – Local graphic designer Jamie O’Connor, is reportedly saving a new file as “Bane Flyer FINAL FINAL.psd” and sending it to the members of Bane, as they announce their new last show of all time, uncertain sources confirmed.

“Every graphic designer knows the curse of naming a file ‘FINAL.’ When Bane asked me to design a flyer for their last final reunion show in 2021, I remember saving the file as ‘Bane Flyer FINAL.psd.’ So honestly, this one’s on me. Had I just called it ‘Bane Flyer R12.psd,’ or something like that, this would have never happened.” said O’Connor while digging his “Give Blood” CD out of storage. “We could have said our last emotional goodbyes and laid our hoodies to rest. But hey, the extra 50 bucks won’t hurt. So I’m just going call this one ‘FINAL FINAL’ and ship it.”

Bane’s bassist James Siboni believes this is just a misunderstanding.

“In the hardcore scene the word ‘final’ is more of a placeholder. Sure, we played our final show in Philly and then our final show in Worcester. We never said we played our final show in Boston,” said Siboni. “Well, I may need to check my notes on that. But still, what are you complaining about? You still love us and can finally afford parking. We’re bored, and rent is going up. This ‘final final’ show is a win-win for everyone.”

Curtis Moran, local scene legend and self-reported ‘hardcore expert,’ is not surprised.

“Don’t tell me you’re shocked by this ‘final final’ show business! This is just the beginning. This is the part where it’s still mostly the original members, and everyone is feeling a bit restless. We haven’t even gotten to the part where the original members are all gone, and the new guys don’t even own the rights to the name, so start forming bands like ‘Bane A.D.,'” said Moran. “You ever hear about the ‘Ship of Zao?’ It’s a fun little thought experiment I came up with. Does a band without any of its original members remain the same band? No one cares, you keep buying tickets!”

At press time, the band was rehearsing their new emotional new closer, “Can We End Again.”

Man Playing Double-Neck Guitar Clearly Overcompensating for Having Only One Penis

Posted on February 7, 2023 by Chris Bowen

LOS ANGELES — Several members of the crowd at a local hard rock show suspected guitar shredding has-been Dwayne “Tiger” Richmond’s over-the-top noodling of his double-check guitar may have been his way of overcompensating for having only one dick, confirmed several sources wanting a look inside the guitarist’s slacks.

“These people, they envy me. I’m out here, giving them all the show of talent and badassery the likes of which the world has never seen,” a clearly balding Richmond explained. “Every Night I rock out, giving my all. Rocking just as, if not harder than anyone out there with two dicks. Not saying I don’t have two dicks, but if I did only have one dick, I would still be just as good at playing guitar. I mean, monopenis is a thing, but I wouldn’t know, I’m too busy melting faces with solos to be bothered by that sort of thing.”

Showgoer Alice Munro witnessed the sad behavior Richmond displayed on stage that embarrassing night.

“After about three songs into their set, me and several other people in the audience pretty much all caught on to what was happening,” Munro explained. “This glammed-out dude with one of those double guitar things just kept shredding and shredding. It’s like the guys that hang giant fake testicles off the bumpers of their trucks, they are clearly insecure about the fact they don’t have at least a dozen testicles bouncing between their thighs. I feel bad for these guys, nobody cares about their genitals and it drives them to do strange things.”

Rock n’ roll historian JT Cutler is well aware of the world of famous musicians who are obviously trying to make up for their deficiencies.

“Insecurity is the motivating factor for every artist ever,” Cutler said. “Whether it stems from a loveless childhood, or issues in adulthood, most rock stars are trying to fill a giant void in their life. Only a few people know that Slash got so good at guitar because he was afraid of what people would think about his third nipple. And Jethro Tull, he got so good at the flute because he learned early on, he would never have the ability to bring his lovers to climax in bed. Musicians are people too, and have common, everyday problems like these.”

At press time, Richmond was seen taking out the gourds that created two large bulges in the crotch of his spandex.

The Next Fugazi? Costco’s Rotisserie Chicken Still Only Costs Five Bucks

Posted on February 7, 2023 by Jon Wood

As an idealistic punk kid who grew up idolizing bands like Fugazi, I never imagined that I would someday find myself face-to-face with the next generation’s version of my heroes. While it would be impossible for Fugazi to maintain their “$5 show” policy today, Costco’s rotisserie chicken will forever cost just five bucks.

Whoever the Costco CEO is, they must have pledged to uphold the inclusive and ascetic values instilled in the 1980s hardcore scene. Costco warehouses are open to all ages, their self-checkout aisles are 100% DIY, and they will never charge more than five bucks for our signature whole rotisserie chicken. Plus, the way they infuse the Dischord-era ethos into their Kirkland Signature roster of products is the most punk thing since dumpster diving for sliced bread. Which is something I’ve also done at Costco.

They must be sensitive to the irony in that Fugazi was notorious for refusing to sell branded merch, which is precisely why all of their logo apparel is made to look like crappy bootlegs.

While the major food labels waste billions on packaging and advertising, Costco keeps prices low through old-fashioned word-of-mouth and watching every dollar. If the health department would let them ditch the plastic containers and serve you the whole chicken on a stick, believe me, they would. Plus, their policy of confronting unruly customers to prevent senseless acts of violence is just one more way Costco has carried on the legacy of ethical innovators like Ian MacKaye.

Now help keep a lookout while I steal this chicken.

New Evidence Suggests Monkey from “Shock the Monkey” and Monkey from “Monkey Gone to Heaven” are Same Monkey

Posted on February 7, 2023 by Tim Graham

OXFORD, England — Oxford University musicology professor Edward Gosnold discovered new details lending credence to his hypothesis that the subject of both Peter Gabriel’s and Pixies’ monkey-themed songs are the same exact primate, confirmed bespectacled sources at a pub near the university.

“I’ve spent the better part of the past three years gathering evidence that the two monkeys are the same specimen. Members of both musical groups have been tight-lipped about the provenance of the monkey, but I’ve been steadfast in my pursuit of the truth,” said Gosnold as he inspected the “Shock the Monkey” 45 sleeve through a magnifying glass. “The monkey, called Chim Chim, was originally owned by Gabriel’s bassist Tony Levin, who used to ‘shock’ the poor beast regularly with his ribald humor, inspiring the oft-misinterpreted song.”

Former Pixies roadie Brian Montrose confirmed that guitarist Joey Santiago did in fact acquire a pet monkey named Chim Chim in 1986.

“Chim Chim was a great mascot for the band. Kim Deal used to feed him raisins,” said Montrose as he wound a long XLR cable in the correct manner. “A lot of people think that the song means the monkey died and went to heaven, but that’s not true. Joey felt that life on the road was too hard on the little guy, so he sent him to live at the Heaven Sanctuary for Show Business Animals in upstate New York. Frank Black was heartbroken to see him go, and channeled that emotion into writing a song. He shortened the name of the facility in the title to make it easier to write on setlists.”

Susan Cordova, the program coordinator at Heaven Sanctuary, spoke highly of Chim Chim.

“Chim Chim came to us in 1991 and has led a happy life here ever since,” said Cordova. “We’ve had many notable celebrity animals in our care over the years. We took in those big cockroaches from Nine Inch Nails’ ‘Closer,’ Slash’s boa constrictor from the ‘Patience’ video, as well as the poor dog from the cover of The Jesus Lizard’s ‘Down’. We also had the Bee Girl from the Blind Melon video with us for a time, for some reason. That might’ve been a clerical error, now that I think of it.”

At press time, it was revealed that Chim Chim had come out of retirement, most recently starring in David Lynch’s “What Did Jack Do?”

How I Started to Like Who I Saw in the Mirror by Taping up a Picture of Late Great WWE Superstar Eddie Guerrero to My Mirror

Posted on February 7, 2023 by Ryan Harnedy

When I look in the mirror, I didn’t always like what I see. Sure there are things to like, but none of those things are legs built for leaping from the top rope into an El Camino at Backlash or a smile with the ability to elicit both admiration and rage at the same time. So after years of therapy and self-care, I can finally say I like who I see when I look in the mirror: A poster of WWE superstar Eddie Guerrero.

I don’t believe I am alone in this problem. Poor self-image affects people of all races, genders, and wrestling federations. In fact, I’ll bet if you’re honest with yourself, sometimes you look in the mirror and you don’t like who you see because you’re not looking at Eddie Guerrero.

True, honest self-reflection is difficult. And I want to be strong enough to do that. So here goes. I have never driven a low-rider down a ramp while my theme music announced the beginning of a title match with Dean Malenko. There, I admit it. Now the healing process can begin.

I don’t have the exact numbers on hand, but I’m pretty sure approximately one in five men and one in eight women want to be Eddie Guerrero. Unfortunately, every year, fewer than one in eight billion people actually become WWE Superstar Eddie Guerrero.

But there’s hope! There are steps you can take to help you like who you see in the mirror. Some of them include positive self-talk, mental hygiene, changes to diet and exercise, and a bunch of other hard stuff Oprah recommends. But all of these pale in comparison to just taping a poster of Eddie Guerrero to your mirror.

Everyone goes through periods of insecurity and everyone needs a pick-me-up every once in a while. But if you follow my advice, you’ll be feeling great in no time because you’ll be feeling like Eddie Guerrero. That is until you look in any other mirror and realize you’re just Perry Saturn.

“Storage Wars” Winner Totally Unprepared to Run Lookout! Records

Posted on February 6, 2023 by Jon Wood

BERKELEY, Calif. — “Storage Wars” cast member Kenny Crossley recently placed the winning bid on an abandoned storage locker, only to discover it contained nothing more than the unsold inventory from failed punk rock label Lookout! Records, baffled sources report.

“I have no fucking clue what any of this shit is. During the sneak peek, I counted at least twenty boxes labeled ‘Green Day’ and ‘The Donnas’ that someone covered with sharpie dollar signs, but so far all I’ve found are a bunch of worthless stickers and half-size records from bands I’ve never heard of. It’s no wonder these guys went out of business,” said Crossley while rummaging through a garbage bag full of crumpled overdue invoices and cease-and-desist letters. “How am I supposed to make back the five hundred bucks I just spent on this garbage? I guess my best bet is to see if Operation Ivy fans are in the market for a stack of bounced royalty checks.”

Scotty Belton, scene veteran and cashier at a local record store, thought of Crossley’s misfortune differently.

“Dude, do you have any idea how rare this stuff is?!” said Belton after inspecting the haul. “This seven-inch is one of only a hundred pressed before the band broke up after their first house show, and this Swollen Boss Toad T-shirt looks like it was hand-drawn and is probably one-of-a-kind. These are definitely the most obscure punk artifacts I’ve ever seen. I mean, like nobody is aware that any of these bands even existed. I offered that normie fifteen bucks for all of it. If he’d had some Fifteen stuff, I could have done twenty-five bucks.”

Co-founder of Lookout! Records Larry Livermore offered some advice to the dejected Crossley.

“If it were me, I would toss all of that junk into the bay. There shouldn’t be anything of value in there,” said Livermore while writing another book about Lookout! Records. “And on the off-chance you do find some hidden gem, expect an unpleasant phone call from Billie Joe Armstrong’s army of lawyers.”

At press time, Crossley was attempting to track down the previous owner of an answering machine cassette full of angry customer messages to see if he has any interest in buying it back.

After 12 Years of Dressing for the Job I Want I’m Still Not a Member of Reel Big Fish

Posted on February 6, 2023 by Sara Mellas

A little over a decade ago, when I’d just graduated college with an accounting degree, I started to question what I was doing with my life. I got an internship at some financial consulting firm where I spent every day fighting with printer ink cartridges, refiling staplers, and wearing slacks. And for what?! I didn’t want to work some corporate desk job crunching numbers for the proverbial man, I wanted to work among the titans of ska.

So I decided to do what all the “X Habits of Highly Successful People” articles tell you to do: dress for the job you want. Well, it’s been 12 years and I’m still not in Reel Big Fish!

Now, I’m not dense. I knew Reel Big Fish wasn’t ever going to post a job listing for “Ska backup vocalist and beatboxer.” So I started wearing the loudest Hawaiian shirts I could get my hands on. I took pride when putting on my boldly-colored track jackets, plaid button-ups, calf-length shorts, and the occasional jewel-toned suit jacket and tie. I have now been dressing this way every day for over a decade, regardless of the weather or the occasion. I’ve even grown my facial hair into perfectly shaped sideburns covering my jaw, yet still no word from Aaron Barrett and the boys!

I may not be a member of Reel Big Fish yet, but you can’t force the Law of Attraction. Just this week, I emailed Mr. Barrett asking him to please keep me in mind if they have any openings. I’m hoping it didn’t go into his spam folder again. One day, that job will be mine. Until then, I’ll continue to wear my fedora with hopeful optimism.

New Farmers Insurance Ad Features J.K. Simmons Brutally Demeaning Man Without Boat Insurance

Posted on February 6, 2023 by Charles Bill

LOS ANGELES – Farmers Insurance launched a new ad campaign featuring Oscar-winning actor J.K. Simmons brutally demeaning a man for not insuring his boat, frightened and humiliated sources confirmed.

“We want people to shit their pants in fear,” said Farmers marketing director and sadist Sammie Whalen. “We want viewers to be absolutely terrified that if they don’t buy insurance from us then their life will be changed forever. Whether that be losing millions in a lawsuit, or having the Neo Nazi leader from ‘Oz’ verbally abuse you for two hours straight. We even made a wardrobe change to show off JK’s weird old-man muscles, which always freaks me out.”

The ad itself will feature Simmons’ normally benevolent spokesman losing his cool after a boat owner bumps into a dinghy at the marina.

“It’s a pretty standard ad. A guy accidentally scratches his boat, then I materialize and say something like ‘Christ how do you even fucking walk? You can’t drive a goddamn boat? Were your parents siblings? Don’t just stand there with your mouth open, no one’s coming to stick their cock in it. I can’t believe you don’t have insurance, a pet monkey would have the sense to buy boat insurance before smearing his shit on the walls.’ You know that kind of thing,” explained Simmons. “Then I berate boat guy for crying, call him a pathetic, little cum-stain, tell him to visit farmers.com to learn more, and we’re all home by 5.”

Surprisingly, the aggressive marketing strategy has already shown success, with other companies scrambling to catch up.

“I don’t even have a boat, but I bought the insurance,” explained intimidated customer Alex Gates. “Unfortunately with many marketers opting into this horrifying new strategy, I can barely watch football these days without having a heart attack. I saw an ad for Purina that was just Michael Shannon staring directly into camera for 25 seconds before making the throat slash gesture. I changed the channel, and there’s the CarFax fox with John Malkovich’s voice. He called me a fuck-face and said he would break my thumbs if I didn’t ask for the CarFax. Needless to say, I asked.”

At press time, Simmons was recording dialogue in which his yellow M&M encouraged the blue M&M to commit suicide.

Dad Who Thought He Was Getting Bounce House for Child’s Birthday Party Accidentally Books Oingo Boingo

Posted on February 6, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

TACOMA, Wash. — Local father Colm Tyson is reportedly embarrassed after accidentally booking 1980s new wave band Oingo Boingo for his six-year-old daughter’s birthday, thinking they were a bounce house company, confirm sources close to the family.

“I guess I just got confused. I mean, you hear the words ‘Oingo Boingo’ and you instantly picture one of those big rubber castles out on a front lawn with kids giggling. When Danny Elfman showed up with seven other elderly kooks and no bounce house, I knew I had screwed up Denise’s party big time,” said a blushing Tyson. “Plus, full disclosure, I only really recognized Elfman from a ‘Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure’ DVD featurette. In the ‘80s I was much more of a Soft Cell guy.”

Oingo Boingo members report being just as confused as the party-goers regarding their involvement in the festivities.

“You could tell fairly quickly this elementary schooler didn’t actually want a cult experimental rock band playing her ‘unicorn princess’ themed birthday party,” said Boingo guitarist Steve Bartek. “It maybe wasn’t a good idea to strictly announce our big reunion in the Yellow Pages, rather than standard music press outlets, that one’s our bad. We tried to give the little gals a good show nevertheless, but a lot of them didn’t even stick around through Wall of Voodoo’s opening set. On the upside, though, the cake brought out while we were playing ‘Ain’t This The Life’ was pretty damn good.”

Professional birthday clown Jimmy “Goof-Around” Graham was even less enthusiastic about the band’s performance.

“Tell me how I’m supposed to go on after those guys when they’re doing three-quarters of my schtick arsenal? I had all these bits with xylophones and barnyard animal sound effects in my act,” said Graham. “But I had to ditch everything and ad lib since Boingo had the whole party mallet percussion-and-cow-moo’d out! I mean, c’mon fellas, I don’t come create intricately arranged vaguely ska-based melodies in the parking lot before your shows, do I?!”

“We can’t all just go back to LA and score whatever martian movie comes out next…” Graham added, bitterly. “This is my livelihood here!”

At press time, further confusion was unveiled when the bounce house company accidentally dispatched the original bounce house to the band The Birthday Party, completely confounding Nick Cave.

Doom Metal Band Has Pact to Smoke Weed From Skull of First Member Who Dies

Posted on February 5, 2023 by Chris Bowen

AUBURN HILLS, Mich. — Local doom metal outfit Everplug swore to a pact in which surviving members of the band will smoke marijuana from the skull of the first to pass away, several lethargic sources report.

“Smoking reefer from the skull of a fallen comrade is simply the most metal thing a person can do, aside from maybe deep frying and eating it in front of their grieving family,” Everplug frontman James Milligan said while wearing a stained Solitude Aeturnus shirt. “I know I won’t be the first to go, but I think my skull would definitely hold the most weed for sure. I think our drummer Scott’s would be the most convenient though, seeing as how cylindrical his head is and all.”

Former Everplug bass player Stacey Lu decided she wanted no part in the band’s bizarre pact.

“I was pumped at first to join the band, but after all the weird seances and then the whole ‘desecrating each other’s corpse’ thing, that’s when I bounced,” Lu explained. “No way was I going to let any of those losers with their grimey, unwashed hands anywhere near my remains. Luckily they let me leave the band pretty easily after I told them the whole pact seemed more like a black metal thing. Sure, I might be a poser, but as long as those creeps stay far away from me, that’s an L I’m willing to take.”

Budtender and head shop owner Chudo Clark weighed in on the history of turning body parts into smoking vessels.

“Ahh man, the skull is really probably the tamest part of the human body I’ve heard of being turned into a smoking device,” Chudo said through a thick cloud of patchouli stench. “One guy came into the shop and told me he had his own pinky toe that he lost in a forklift accident turned into a one-hitter. Another guy had his best friend’s entire rib cage turned into a goth hookah that he can also play like a xylophone. Now that’s some wild stuff, man.”

At press time, Milligan was spotted sneaking a mock human skull out of the science lab just to do a “trial run.”

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