Here’s the Best Sports Gear You’ll Need To Prepare for the Mad Max Apocalypse Six Months From Now

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Let’s face it: when it comes to athletic competition, you’ll take every advantage you can get. The race doesn’t always have to go to the quickest of feet or the golf round to the whitest of WASP; the right sports gear makes all the difference in the world.

The sports equipment and apparel industry is currently experiencing a boom like never before, which is great because pretty soon their products will be all that you have to survive in the brutal, “Mad Max” apocalypse that’s coming in six months. While guzzaline and aqua cola may be scarce and death lurks around every corner, the real key to survival will be your athletic equipment.

That’s why we’ve broken down the best pieces of sports gear to survive six months from now, when your comfortable office job seems like a dream as you eat dog food from a can and cower from the hordes of the great warlord Vivisectus!

Football Shoulder Pads: As we all know, surviving in the devastation of human civilization that will occur right around your next birthday is a contact sport. You’re going to need some high-quality shock absorption for your upper body, which is why now is the time to invest in a good set of NFL-endorsed shoulder pads to protect you in the Thunderdome. Bonus: they look great festooned with spikes and human bones!

Soccer Shin Guards: These may not be the most glamorous piece of sports equipment out there, but in less than half a year when the country has been burnt to a cinder by fire and drowned in water, you’ll be glad your shins are protected! Guard your soft, moist, delicious flesh and shin bones, lest you be slowed by injury and fall behind the rest of Holy Vivisectus’s horde.

You know what happens to easy prey in the wake of the horde. Or at least you will by late summer, at most.

Lacrosse Transparent Full Body Armor: Some people call lacrosse a “niche sport” or “for asshole preppies,” but one thing is certain: the transparent, vacuum-molded full body that is standard issue for midfield and defense will be very handy in the atomic wasteland you’ll be living in before your latest job is even worth putting on your resume. Not only does it protect you from opposing lacrosse attackmen, but it hides the horror of your irradiated flesh from the world!

Steel Hockey Mask: We won’t even get into why this will help in the Future Times, because we’re sure you already have one hanging in your closet for sex reasons.

Eye Black: When you’re out in the Blasted Lands, just cruising for any wanderers you can cannibalize, you’re going to want to protect your eyes. Look like the cool guys in the former NFL from when times were better and green vegetation still existed by coating your undereye area in light-deflecting eye black, though nothing will protect you the memories of all you’ve done to survive in the last few months.

Razor Boomerang: While most people think of a razor-sharp chrome boomerang as a toy for kids, it actually can have multiple uses in the waking nightmare that you will live in far sooner than you could possibly imagine! You can dig with it! Cut sandwiches! Throw it into the heads of rival marauders from a great distance!

When you’ve got a boomerang and all rules of humanity are out the window, the world’s your oyster. Which also won’t exist anymore in six months, by the way.

Man’s Party Trick Successfully Listing All Black Flag Vocalists in Order

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

BOSTON — Local scene veteran Randy Ragnar amazed attendees at a house party with his seamless recitation of all five lead vocalists of Black Flag, several sources with the same parole officer reported.

“We were celebrating finding out that whatever my buddy Horst had wasn’t scabies,” Ragnar said. “Just when it seemed like things were winding down, I got everyone’s attention and just said ‘Keith Morris, Ron Reyes, Dez Cadena, Henry Rollins, Mike Vallely, Ron Reyes, Mike Vallely.’ As usual, people were mouthing ‘motherfucker’ not only from the fact that I knew the name of ‘the other one’ but also that I remembered the ‘My War’ shows he did with them in ‘03. I swear, even Cronus, in his Wild Turkey-and-Hawaiian Punch-induced blackout seemed to process it long enough to applaud before puking into the freezer.”

Kurt Lawton, a long-time friend of Ragnar’s, admitted to feelings of envy regarding his incredible ability.

“I love Randy, but I know to not even bother with my standby of putting out a cigarette on that one part of my gums that had gone completely numb due to nerve damage,” Lawton said while fact-checking him online. “I could cut off my tongue and swallow it whole and it wouldn’t be half as impressive as what he pulls off. He’s like a modern day Nostradamus. And don’t think you can trip him up by asking him about ‘Flag,’ either. Just take it from me.”

Black Flag founder and only consistent member Greg Ginn was also in awe of Ragnar’s skill.

“I know that people expect that I, the guy who started Black Flag, would be able to at least know the first names of every guy who’s handled vocals for us,” Ginn said. “Let’s see, we had Keith, Henry, and that guy…Rick, is that it? There’s a couple others, aren’t there? Honestly, when the new guy joined, I tried my best to remember but eventually, I just called him ‘Champ’ and ultimately kinda stuck with that. I can’t, however, name a single one of our drummers. Probably doesn’t matter anyway.”

At press time, Ragnar had further stunned guests when he revealed he had listened to Black Flag’s 2013 album “What The…” “at least five or six times.”

Democrats Give Book of the Year Award to “The Let Them Theory”

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — The Democratic Party announced their plans to respond to recent political upheaval by awarding the Book of the Year prize to bestselling pop-psychology book “The Let Them Theory,” which prioritizes self-care over conflict, sources confirmed while rubbing their temples.

“‘The Let Them Theory’ united us around the idea that there are many situations that the Democratic Party simply cannot control, and chief among them is the fate of the country,” said New York Senator Chuck Schumer. “If we tried to stop the Republicans, it would show them that we care, which is tantamount to giving away our power. At the end of the day, and possibly at the end of democracy, playing hardball is not a productive use of our energy. In fact, to cope with the ultimate demise of democracy, we recommend everyone read ‘The Art of Letting Go.’”

Mel Robbins, who wrote “The Let Them Theory” by lifting its major tenets from a poem written by Cassie Phillips, felt honored that her message had reached Capitol Hill.

“The elected and unelected leaders of this country are absolutely toxic, and as I write in my book, toxic people don’t change,” Robbins explained. “The healthiest thing the Democrats can do to respond to this illegal power grab is draw boundaries, disengage, and protect themselves — and their seats in congress. The worst thing you can do for your mental health is fight fascism for your constituents.”

While the book may be all the rage in the current moment, it’s far from a new idea, according to World War II scholar Gila Pfefferman, PhD.

“Many elected officials throughout history have decided to ‘let them,’ such as the Vichy government in France,” said Pfefferman. “They made the decision to work with the Nazis instead of getting their hands dirty and mounting a resistance, and we’re seeing Democrats practicing the same kind of radical acceptance now. Let’s be real, if ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ doesn’t make their way onto their bookshelves some time soon, they may never hold power again.”

At press time, the Trump administration was hard at work reestablishing diplomatic relations with Russia, while the Democrats were reaching across the aisle to hand copies of “The Let Them Theory” to their Republican colleagues.

Opinion: Maybe Annexing Canada Wouldn’t Be So Bad if It Means We Don’t Have To Hear Both National Anthems at NHL Games

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Look, everyone keeps talking about what a stupid idea it would be if the United States were to annex Canada and make it the 51st state. Something something this would cause a massive war and many deaths, something something fascist regime blah blah blah. And look I get that this whole thing sounds scary, but no one talks about the potential positives. Namely that when Canadian and American NHL teams play each other we would no longer have to listen to both national anthems before the game.

I think we’ve all been in that situation in which you come to watch your favorite hockey team filled with Russian and Czech players who are playing for the glory of Columbus, Ohio and you sit down ready to start the game but then you remember that you have to hear a song glorifying America’s loss in the War of 1812. It’s boring and it’s just a cynical ploy to recruit more soldiers into the military. But then that dreadful moment hits you and you realize you’re playing against Winnipeg and bam! Suddenly a rendition of O Canada comes out over the speakers and you’re just so bored that you wish you hadn’t come at all.

If we annex Canada then this situation would never have to happen again. Instead of having to listen to some song about how cool beavers and maple syrup are, you still only have to listen to that one shitty song. Except now it would be a reminder about revenge against Canada for that time they burned the White House. Really rub it in the faces of those people whom we just liberated by annexing their entire nation.

Finally, I should point out that a Canadian team hasn’t won the Stanley Cup since 1993. If the ghost of Lord Frederick Stanley who resides in his cup didn’t want Canada to be part of the United States, then he would’ve used his supernatural powers to make a Canadian team win. No, I think this Canada annexation plan is exactly what he would have wanted.

Highly Recruited High School Metalhead Considering Offers From Multiple Local Pizza Shops

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SAN ANTONIO — Local metalhead Spencer Leggieri is reportedly being scouted by multiple pizza shops across the city in hopes of securing his talent as a full-time employee after graduation, excited sources confirmed.

“The past few weeks have been overwhelming. Recruiters are calling me, sending me letters, and assistant managers are coming to my house to try to convince me to commit to working for them in the fall. And these aren’t just small pizza shops, we are talking big names like Tony’s, Tony’s II, Main Street Pies, and even St. Pizza,” said Leggieri. “The most important thing to me is the culture of the kitchen. I won’t be able to work in a place where people only play Slayer and Metallica. I need more than that, I need depth. I need to be surrounded by people who can make pizza while listening to metal that runs the gamut from Children of Bodom to Malevolent Creation. And this is the big leagues, I want them to show me obscure metal bands from the ‘80s that only released one demo tape before they all died driving drunk.”

Leggieri’s mother Aubrey is trying to gently push her son in the direction she sees as the most promising.

“I want the best for my son. He’s put in a lot of hard work growing out his hair, sprouting a terrible mustache, and layering his denim jacket with patches. And I hope he chooses Taste of Italy. His father worked there back in the ‘90s, and his brother worked there part-time. It’s our family legacy,” said Mrs. Leggieri. “Plus they have the best breadsticks out of everyone else in town. If Spencer is working there he will get to bring home some leftovers, and we get the friends and family discount. This is a life-changing opportunity and I’d hate to see him waste it.”

Retired pizza shop recruiter Dave “Grimey” Burdette warns that this decision should not be taken lightly.

“I’ve seen so many promising young pizza makers get a taste of the big time and burnout. There is so much more to the job than talking shit about every customer with your co-workers and getting so drunk after your shift you need your stomach pumped,” said Burdette. “These guys tend to forget it’s actually about the pizza. It’s about making a pie so good that most normal people will overlook how filthy the place is because they know the pizza is better than anything else in town.”

At press time, Leggieri was considering taking a gap year to study thrash history in the Bay Area.

Kanye West Interrupts Best Picture Winner On Stage at Oscars to Say “Triumph of the Will” One of the Best Films of All Time

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Controversial rapper Kanye West interrupted the Best Picture winner on stage at the Academy Awards to say the 1935 Nazi propaganda movie “Triumph of the Will” was one of the greatest films of all time, confirmed sources who all said “not again” in unison.

“I’m really happy for the winners and I’ll let them finish, but Leni Riefenstahl had one of the best movies of all time,” said West without breaking eye contact with Ralph Fiennes for some reason. “It’s 2025, so it’s time we finally recognize the filmmaking accomplishments from 90 years ago. Plus, this one wasn’t three and a half hours long like a certain movie called ‘The Brutalist.’ I’ve never even heard of half of the movies in this category, and I refuse to live in a country that acknowledges Timothée Chalamet as a human being. ‘The Substance’ was pretty dope though.”

Fans of West seemed to enjoy him getting air time.

“I’m more upset that he spoiled the ending of that film for those of us who hadn’t seen it yet,” said West fan James Winston. “This reminded me of the time Ye interrupted Taylor Swift cheering her boyfriend Travis Kelce at a Chiefs game while she was on the Jumbotron. Not to mention it’s also like the time he took the mic from T-Swift mid-concert to tell her fans that Beyoncé actually had a better career than her. Man, I just can’t get enough of that guy barging in on famous pop stars.”

Experts were quick to point to other live events that West infiltrated.

“Let’s just say, whenever there’s an award show, make sure you keep Kanye as far away from the venue as humanly possible,” said pop culture blogger Mandy Struve. “Last week at the SAG Awards he interrupted Kieran Culkin during his acceptance speech after winning best male actor in a supporting role to say that Edward Norton in ‘American History X’ gave one of the best acting performances of all time. Before that, he rushed the stage at the Grammy’s to interrupt Chappel Roan and announce that Skrewdriver was one of the best bands of all time. This man simply has no boundaries.”

At press time, West doubled down by rushing the stage yet again to announce that “The Birth of a Nation” was also one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of all time.

Parents of Oscar Winner for Best Short Film Still Asking if He “Makes His Little Movies”

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Local parents Greg and Linda Dwyer reportedly continue to dismiss their son’s filmmaking career by referring to his critically-lauded work as “his little movies,” despite him winning an Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for “The Unturned Stone,” confirmed sources.

“Oh, he’s still doing that? I’m happy for him, but it’s not like he made a Marvel movie. I can’t find his movies on Netflix,” said the father of two, standing in a kitchen cluttered with unread rave reviews of his son’s film he had sent them. “All I am saying is that it is never too late to apply to law school and make his little movies on the side. I just don’t know how winning the Audience Award at the Toronto Film Festival is going to pay the electric bill.”

Their son, now Oscar-winning filmmaker, Alan Dwyer, immediately returned to his childhood home from the ceremony, where his mother expressed confusion over his continued pursuit of filmmaking instead of settling down.

“I walked through the front door holding a literal Academy Award—the most famous trophy in the world of filmmaking and my mom told me she texted my ex Rachel to let her know I was in town,’” Alan said from his childhood bedroom surrounded by posters of his favorite filmmakers. “My dad said, ‘Neat,’ and let me know the compliance office at his old company is hiring and that I need to start ‘pounding the pavement,’ whatever that means. I literally had drinks with Bong Joon-ho last night!”

Experts say this phenomenon is common among parents of artists, regardless of achievement.

“Many parents fundamentally struggle to recognize creative success unless it results in an easily explainable career and steady paycheck,” said Dr. Madeline Choi, a cinema psychologist at the UCLA film school. “They don’t view ‘Best Short Film’ as a legitimate Oscar because it isn’t something that is played 13 times a day on TBS or sold in a bargain bin at Walmart next to ‘The Hangover 3.’ If want your parents to notice you, you’ll have to try a little harder than making a brilliant 26-minute long cinematic short that captivates the world.”

At press time, Mr. and Mrs. Dwyer were seen explaining to a neighbor that their son “is still finding himself,” while asking if their daughter, a real estate agent, can help get Alan’s foot in the door.

5 Reasons Why I Think Alice in Chains Weren’t Singing About an Actual Rooster

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Alice in Chains has consistently been one of my favorite bands ever since I was growing up in the 90s. The metal-infused riffage of Jerry Cantrell mixed with the beautifully sonorous and haunting vocals of Layne Staley made them the stalwart in the Seattle grunge scene we’ve all come to know and love, and I often find myself revisiting their catalog with what feels like the perfect combination of nostalgia and genuine musical appreciation.

I’ve also prided myself on being somewhat of a literary enthusiast, and I enjoy applying the analytical skills I’ve honed through years of reading to song lyrics. As such, in revisiting one of Alice in Chains’ biggest hits “Rooster,” I’m beginning to think it’s not actually about the daily life of an average rooster, as we’ve all come to understand it.

Crazy, right? I thought so, too, but let me provide 5 arguments to back up my claim:

1. Roosters do not have sweat glands

According to Google AI, which I recognize as a consistently reliable and accurate source: “roosters do not sweat. Instead, they regulate their body temperature by panting and losing heat through their unfeathered skin.” Why then, is the opening line of the song “ain’t found a way to kill me yet, eyes burn with stingin’ sweat”? Granted, Google AI did not yet exist when these lyrics were written, but I can’t imagine one of my favorite bands could not be bothered with a trip to the library to ensure their song about a rooster’s daily farm life was accurate. Let’s play devil’s advocate and say that was the case, though. How, then, would we explain #2?

2. Roosters are incapable of carrying a machine gun

I didn’t even need to use Google AI for this one. Never in the history of the human race have we encountered documented evidence of a rooster holding a machine gun. This flies directly in the face of the lyric “walking tall, machine gun man.” Unless this song is written from the point of view of some opposable thumb-possessing, anthropomorphic rooster, which is absolutely ridiculous, I’m left thinking there must be some other meaning here.

3. Roosters are not permitted in the Army

That’s not to say that animals have never served in our nation’s armed forces. Carrier pigeons and horses have proved themselves invaluable in past conflicts, to say nothing of the famed Seargent Stubby, a Boston Terrier who served on the frontlines of World War I by warning of impending mustard gas attacks and comforting wounded soldiers. However, top military experts have yet to think of a non-ingestive purpose a rooster can have in defending the country. Hence, the “Army green” line of this tune is nonsensical if taken literally.

4. The lyrics contain no mention of crowing at dawn, protecting the flock, or fertilizing eggs

These activities are paramount in the daily life of a rooster, so any song with themes central to the species would have to make at least some allusion to them. Yet, as I sit here scouring these lyrics, I see nary a reference to any of them. Could it be that the band just temporarily forgot how a rooster spends its days as they were writing them? Possibly, but I’m hard-pressed to believe a temporary case of writer’s block could make it all the way to the studio. While this point is pretty damning, the last may be the final nail in the coffin for the “actual rooster” explanation.

5. The music video does not contain a single rooster

While I can see counterarguments made for any of the previous reasons, this last is simply too glaring to ignore. I analyzed every frame of the music video, and while there were numerous shots of a farm, and even some horses and cows, there was no rooster. I simply cannot fathom why the band would do this, unless there is some cryptic meaning to this song that I have yet to grasp.

There you have it. With this, I rest my case and leave it up to you, the reader, to draw your own conclusion. Do you agree or disagree with my take and, if the former, what do you think this song is actually about? Hopefully, one day we will be able to get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, I’m going to begin a similar analysis of the song “Angry Chair.”

Anthony Green Assures Bandmates He “Can Quit Anytime He Wants” After Getting Caught Forming Three More Supergroups

Posted on by Scott Murray

PHILADELPHIA — Singer Anthony Green, best known as the lead vocalist of Saosin, Circa Survive, The Sound of Animals Fighting, L.S. Dunes, and too many others, was reportedly caught forming three additional supergroups behind bandmates’ backs, despite telling them he can stop if needed, confirmed concerned sources.

“I don’t have a problem forming new bands, I can quit anytime I want,” said Green, half-sheepishly, while running his hand through his hair. “I’ve never been someone who can satisfy themself roughing out one, or two, demos alone in my basement. When I told the guys I wanted to see other dudes on the side, they seemed totally fine having a musical poly singer. Besides, I used to be way worse. In 2012, I binge-formed eight groups within a three month span. That was my rock bottom.”

Saosin guitarist Beau Burchell wasn’t too pleased when he discovered Green’s musical infidelity.

“There are only so many chances you can give the lead singer of your band,” said Burchell. “Just last week I flew out to see a guy I met on tour. We spent the whole weekend together in his studio making magic—But I’d never let that get back to the other guys! Anthony on the other hand is always on his phone texting other dudes right in front of us. It’s super rude. The other day I overheard him asking some guy how many layers he had on a vocal track, begging him to take some off. The guy clearly has a problem and probably needs an intervention at this point.”

Famed “Rock Doc” Zane Williams was all too familiar with interpersonal relationships within bands.

“When you’re successful, there’s always someone willing to enable you,” said Williams. “Too many times I’ve seen singers on the wrong side of 40 performing exclusively with artists half their age. It’s a slippery slope. This is why Mike Patton spent years in rehab to ween off of forming new bands. If you can’t curb this disease, it’ll be your downfall. Just look at Eric Clapton!”

At press time, bandmates were once again disappointed after they went through Green’s phone and discovered dozens of Instagram messages with him forming side projects with his followers.

Donald Trump Signs Executive Order Removing Everyone but Kid Vid From Burger King Kids Club

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump signed an executive order demanding Kid Vid be the sole member of the Burger King Kids Club, befuddled sources report.

“This will undo the damage caused by the Marxists and Radical Left thugs in the name of DEI,” Trump said while eating a Wendy’s Baconator. “Just last week a guy came up to me, a big, strong guy with tears in his eyes, asking me to do something about the discrimination fast food mascots are experiencing. These other members of the Burger King Kids Club were there solely because of the woke agenda of the Biden administration, and only by removing them can we truly claim that America is back. From now on, the decision to use a mascot will be based entirely on their ability to sell delicious cheeseburgers and Diet Cokes.”

Local 40-year-old and former member of Burger King Kids Club mailing list Tim Cassidy was absolutely shocked to hear of the President’s questionable actions.

“Is this club even still a thing?” Cassidy asked. “I had completely forgotten that even existed up until now. Honestly, I feel like there are more important things for President Trump to be worrying about. I’m pretty sure the war in Ukraine hasn’t ended yet, and prices at the grocery store are still pretty high. I don’t think ordering the white, blond guy to be the only remaining member of some defunct cartoon marketing campaign is going to address these issues.”

Constitutional expert LaTasha Miller provided her insight on the situation.

“To be perfectly frank, America is completely fucked at this point, so Trump might as well spend his efforts on this meaningless bullshit,” Miller said while throwing up her hands. “I would actually prefer he devote his time to things like this and renaming the Gulf of Mexico, because it’s less time he can spend causing irreparable harm to the Republic. Ever since he got elected, I’ve been saying the best possible scenario is him just playing golf on the taxpayer’s dime and occasionally making some idiot gesture on a culture war hot button so Fox News can relay it to the dipshits in his base. This one’s even more inane and absurd, because Burger King mascots definitely do not fall under the purview of the President.”

At press time, Trump was seen trying to determine whether Grimace was a minority after setting his sights on McDonaldland characters next.