Plus-size Mannequins Are Just Part of the Liberal Agenda To Get Me Hard at the Mall

Posted on by Michael Gursky

I am constantly thinking about what sort of outlandishness the liberals will force upon us next. What else will their Godless minds twist and contort in an effort to normalize yet another sickening perversion? Their latest agenda is one without cause and, unsurprisingly, without heart. They’re trying to get me chubbed up at the mall, people. They want me hard while I strut innocently by an Athleta. And how could I not be? Just look at those plus-sized mannequins the liberals planted and posed so sexily.

Just look at ’em. Luring me in to buy affordable, yet durable, women’s sportswear. And it’s not just at Athleta. Clothing stores across the country are filled with these full-bodied, sexy pieces of plastic. This is all a sick ploy from the Democrats. They’ve deviously plotted this over time, specifically targeting me and my love for their plump, hot mannequins.

These curvy, clothes-modeling fixtures have been framed by the media as inclusive. It sets a healthier standard, they say. Well sure, women want to see an actual body represented but they absolutely do not want to see my body “represented” while they’re shopping for something to jog in. But you know who does? The liberal agenda.

Why would a round-bottomed ceramic bombshell even be in a department store display window if not to get me hard? What was wrong with the old mannequins? The thin, bald, dead-in-the-eyes ladies that scared me. They didn’t get me hard nearly as often. I wonder who the Democrats were trying to make horny when they made those.

These demonic elites need to answer for their manipulative, pants-adjusting tactics. Why are they gradually filling every clothing store with luscious, full-bodied ‘quins? Furthermore, why do they desire me rocking a stiffy at the mall? Until I receive a valid answer, I’m certain it’s the leftists continuing to undermine American values. This time in the form of tugging on my libido by plopping before me an arsenal of faceless curvy women in every American mall. Just teasing me. Playing with my mind and my body. Ohh yeah, this is so hot. Oh shit, gotta go. I think that mall cop is headed my way.

Punk Historian Reveals GG Allin’s Full Name Was Gilmore Girls Allin

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LANCASTER, N.H. — A local historian of punk rock recently unearthed incontrovertible evidence that GG Allin’s full name was actually Gilmore Girls Allin, sources who didn’t think they could be more shocked about Allin’s life confirmed.

“It’s a common misconception that GG is just what his older brother called him for short because the thought of calling him by his actual birth name of Jesus Christ was flat out ridiculous,” said George Sternberg, professor of punk culture at DeVry University. “However, the true story is that the family started calling him Gilmore Girls Allin after a young GG smeared excrement all over his crib in the shape of a couple of words that later became the name of that People’s Choice Awards-nominated television show. He just shortened Gilmore Girls to GG for brevity and because it sounded cooler. Allin actually incorporated much of his personality traits as a toddler into his stage persona, including publicly shitting himself.”

Amy Sherman-Palladino, creator of “Gilmore Girls,” confirmed that the name of the show was no coincidence.

“Oh yes, the entire seven seasons was basically one big tribute to that man,” said Sherman-Palladino before putting on Allin’s “Brutality and Bloodshed for All” album to pump herself up while writing the next season of “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.” “There were so many scenes that the network said were too raunchy for TV, DVD bonus features, and just life in general. You don’t even want to know how many scenes we had to scrap where Rory straight up sprayed diarrhea at unsuspecting strangers on the sidewalk when she was having a bad day. The show really lacked that anti-authoritarian shock element.”

Industry experts have cited Allin’s influence on other famous TV shows.

“A surprising amount of television programming on the WB network was inspired by the life and music of GG Allin,” said TV critic Dawn Pennweather. “The creator of ‘Dawson’s Creek’ once stated that the show was loosely based on the lyrics of GG’s ‘Cock on the Loose’ track. The idea for ‘7th Heaven’ supposedly came about after the show’s creator listened to ‘Suck My Ass It Smells’ on repeat during a weekend cocaine bender. GG might’ve inadvertently inspired more television programming geared toward teens than actual punk music. He’s a bit of a legend. Just not in ways you might think.”

On a related note, Sternberg also confirmed rumors that the full nickname for Bad Brains’ vocalist HR is indeed Human Resources.

Newly-Woke Friend Still in “Exposing Columbus” Phase

Posted on by John Merrifield

BOSTON — Recent Northeastern University alumni James Gillen is aggressively spreading awareness of the atrocities committed by Christopher Columbus to his friends, confirmed sources who were already well aware of Columbus’ horrific legacy.

“How do people not know about this? I mean America was literally founded by a murderous criminal, why do we still have a holiday celebrating him? I feel like I’m the only person that’s actually talking about this,” said Gillen angrily while thumbing through a 6th-grade history textbook. “I was always taught the rhyme to remember when he left, something about 1493, Columbus sailed the open sea, or something like that. Regardless, this goes all the way up to the top and shows how corrupt and vile our society is.”

Paul Rainville, a long-time friend of Gillen said that he has a habit of showing great interest in things and then forgetting all about it several days later.

“Just last week he was losing his mind over the amount of used guitar strings that get wasted when people don’t fashion them into bracelets instead of throwing them out,” said Rainville while hiding his own textbooks from middle school. “The best thing to do is to just buckle down and wait for it to pass. Soon enough he’ll get bored of it and find some other novelty to turn into his personality. We’ve learned to take it with a grain of salt and love him for the complacent, uninteresting person that he is.”

Joseph Griffin, a history professor from Brown University says that this kind of wokeness is common in younger people.

“I see it all the time in the classroom. Some bright-eyed grad student thinks they are going to change the world by chewing everyone’s heads off about Columbus as if we don’t already know he exists and we all just collectively choose to ignore it,” said Griffin. “By next semester he will put Columbus in his rearview mirror and shift to telling everyone within earshot that John Lennon was a domestic abuser. Or who knows, maybe we will get lucky and he will just start reading Karl Marx, either way, he’s going to think he’s the only person that has ‘figured it out.’”

At press time, Gillen was found frozen in shock after learning that George Washington was a slave owner.

Mother Assumes Asexual Daughter Is Just A Lesbian Who Hasn’t Met The Right Woman Yet

Posted on by Stephen Bell

PIGEON FORGE, Tenn. — Local mother Julia Smith assumes that her completely asexual daughter Andrea is actually a lesbian who has yet to find the right woman.

“Andrea is totally gay and that there’s no other explanation,” said Smith. “Her complete lack of interest in boys whatsoever growing up and her inability to find a man pretty much seals it that she’s a lesbian. I also know because whenever I brought up sex she always said she didn’t understand the appeal. Andrea need not worry though because I am ready and willing to accept any potential daughters-in-law she brings home. I’m extremely open-minded.”

For her part, Andrea Smith was frustrated with her mother’s inability to accept her for who she really is.

“Is it really that hard to understand that I am an ace?” said Andrea. “When I said I didn’t care for sex she winked at me like she knew something and asked me if I preferred tacos over sausages. How asexualphobic is that? What’s weird though is how often parents seem to discourage sex when you’re growing up. Conversely, now that I’m grownup all they can do is insist that I have it even though sex to me is as interesting as watching paint dry. And another thing, just because I don’t have sex doesn’t mean I can’t date someone, regardless of gender, if only for their company. But that’s so like my mother to objectify everyone. She’s a real penis fiend.”

Fellow asexual person and counselor Erika Slyby confirmed that the junior Smith’s experience is tragically typical for many aces.

“Asexuality, the final frontier when it comes to queer acceptance,” stated Slyby. “While we have a long way to go when it comes to gay acceptance, most people at least understand homosexuality from a ‘that person is gay because it’s what makes them come’ point of view. They can relate to wanting to come and that breeds empathy and tolerance. When it comes to acceptance of people like us it’s a serious case of us being fucked if we don’t.”

At press time, Smith’s mother also assumed her gay brother Tim hadn’t met the right woman yet.

How To Do Your Part To Fight Climate Change So Major Corporations Don’t Have To

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Science nerds will tell you that climate change is an existential threat to our world, but more importantly, to our corporations. That being the case, we need to make major sacrifices in our everyday lives so big businesses can keep this economy running until the ground eventually swallows us whole. Here are a few climate hacks you can do to relieve corporations of any responsibility.

Put All Your Trash in a Recycling Bin
Turns out garbage is bad for the environment. So recycle it! Food scraps, plastic bags, and pretty much anything laying around the house can be put into a recycling bin. This way we can do our part which will allow major corporations to continue throwing their trash directly into the ocean.

Throw Away Your Car
This one might be hard for a lot of people. Like, how are you supposed to get to your job at the ExxonMobil oil facility to release all those greenhouse gas emissions into the atmosphere if you don’t have a car? Ummm, how about a little thing called public transportation? That’s right, you could spend as little as four times as long getting to work so major corporations can continue to have their way with the environment.

Stop Drinking Water
More importantly, stop drinking water from a non-biodegradable plastic straw. Clearly, this is the real enemy of our Mother Earth. But since it’s so hard to drink water without the use of one of these miracle utensils, your best bet is to just stop drinking fluids altogether. A little dehydration is literally the least we can do for our corporate overlords.

Use LED Lighting
These lights use 75% less energy than ones you get at Target. We all need to make the switch before Earth is literally on fire. When that happens, you don’t want to be the one with egg on your face who had regular light bulbs in your home. That would be embarrassing. Please consider doing Chevron this one favor.

Compost Your Dead Friends and Family
We all need to do our part to reduce our carbon footprints and there’s no excuse if you’ve croaked. Chopping up your deceased friends and family so they’ll fit into your compost bin should marginally improve the environment. Don’t ask me how that works, but I’m sure that’s easier than asking corporations nicely to stop their climate-destroying bullshit.

Documentary About Local Scene Mostly 90 Minutes of Incriminating Evidence

Posted on by Kevin Tit

BOSTON — A new documentary about the city’s notoriously tough hardcore scene is mostly 90 minutes of incriminating evidence, multiple law enforcement officers confirm.

“I just wanted to showcase the raw intensity coming out of the city,” says documentarian Sherwin Santos. “A lot of the stories people were telling sounded too crazy for me to think they were actually real. Especially Jack ‘The Celtic’ Hammer’s gruesome story about shoving a flathead screwdriver up someone’s nose and popping their eye out of its socket. Now I’m getting death threats from all sorts of factions within the scene because they think I was part of some undercover sting operation. Everybody knew I was making a documentary, why would they hotwire a car or smash the windows out of an Office Depot on video like that?!”

While the Boston Police Department has confirmed that Santos’ documentary was not part of a sting operation, they are grateful for his work in helping them finally pin suspects they’ve been after for years.

“We’ve been monitoring some of these folks’ activities for years,” explains veteran BPD Detective Michelle Bouve. “There are some serious charges against them too. I’m talking about a wide range of crimes ranging from grand larceny to inciting a riot to straight-up kidnapping. The hardest part about busting guys like this is that they almost never talk about their activities with anyone. However, for whatever reason, as soon as they sat down in front of a camera it was as if they couldn’t help but incriminate themselves in an effort to prove how tough and funny they are.”

While authorities have praised the film for helping to solve multiple cases, members of the very scene it highlights insist they don’t know what we’re talking about.

“I’ve never heard of it,” insists alleged scene veteran “Big” Jim Czekalya. “I don’t know what Boston Hardcore is. I’ve never been to a show. Oh This Blood For Blood shirt? It’s the name of my bowling team. Listen, for the last time, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. However, I will say, whatever this Boston Hardcore shit is I guarantee it’s better than the shit coming out of New York. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s almost one in the morning and I’m running late to…pick up my kids from school.”

At press time, BPD detectives were seen reaching out to Santos with a pitch for storyboarding a documentary about the Patriarca Family.

Squirrel Hiding Nuts in The Ground Currently Has Better Retirement Plan Than Punk

Posted on by Stephen Bell

EUREKA, Calif. — A squirrel rapidly burying nuts in the ground in preparation for the winter is now better prepared for retirement than one local punk Trey Henderson, according to sources close to the situation.

“Look, I could eat all these acorns today, but I need to prepare for the future as well. So I eat a few to fatten myself up, and bury a few for when the nuts dry up,” said the squirrel we named Rocky. “If I forget where I hid the nuts that’s OK because they’ll become trees which create more nuts. My investment literally grows before my eyes. Now sure, I’m a squirrel and I’ll die before they ever become a full-grown tree, but my great great great great great great great grandchildren are sure to reap the rewards. Proper retirement planning means thinking about the long-term health of my entire family.”

Local punk Trey Henderson opted to take a different approach with his financial health.

“Look man, I don’t exactly plan on living into my 60s,” said Henderson. “I do realize my previous retirement plan went out the window after I got written out of my parent’s will for trading in my dad’s dune buggy for a bunch of whippets, but in my defense, I wanted to get really fucking high. I’ve adjusted though. I’m making loads of cash selling the half-smoked cigarettes I find in random ashtrays. Then when I use that money to buy beer I collect the deposit on the bottles. I’m pretty sure that means I’m getting paid to drink beer. That’s the only retirement plan I need.”

Punk turned financial planner Matthew Saconi had some different ideas about how Henderson should plan for the future.

“How about instead of spending all your money on instant scratch-off tickets, you buy a stock or two,” advised Saconi. “It’s like gambling except it comes with the added bonus that you can annoy all of your friends by telling them to also get into it. If you think that the stock market exploits workers then you could try doing some classic life insurance fraud instead. Just fake your death and let the check come in. The average lifespan of a punk is equal to about 3 squirrels so no one will probably question if you’re really dead anyway. I’m just saying, there’s options here.”

At press time Henderson had reportedly ruined their one potential nest egg, some rare vinyl records, after taking the squirrel’s advice and burying them in his front yard for safekeeping.

50s Theme Diner Omitting A Few Things

Posted on by Grace Fetterman

LOS ANGELES — Stardust Diner, the latest 1950s style diner to open in Burbank, reportedly glosses over some key facts and historical realities, sources who remember when things were “just less divided” in this country, confirmed.

“I asked the busboy about the place’s disaster preparedness,” said customer James Clifton. “Basic things, like how many people could the bomb shelter seat and if there were enough cigarettes down there to keep the pregnant women calm. I was shocked to learn that not only was there no fallout shelter, but nobody taught the kid how to duck-and-cover in the likely event of an atomic attack. He said the diner gave him sexual harassment training and active shooter response training in school, but no one told him what to do when confronted with a commie or a homosexual.”

Rockabilly fan, Danny Miller, claimed the diner fell short in terms of aesthetics as well.

“Sure, you’ve got the neon sign out front, the red leather booths, the black-and-white checkered floor, the Doo-wop, the Shoo-op, but the paint? Completely lead-free,” stated Miller. “The chances of anyone being exposed to lead poisoning this evening are incredibly slim, and that’s just not the inauthentic event I signed up for. Also, this QR code menu? That’s just insulting. I just want to comb my hair in the reflection of a jukebox and overpay for malts like I would at any other 50’s theme diner.”

Dr. Abigail Davis, professor of history at Columbia University, views Stardust as a microcosm of American self-delusion.

“Stardust evokes what I call ‘white nostalgia:’ a longing for a past that’s been revised, commodified, and distorted,” Dr. Davis analyzed. “And white nostalgia is pretty dependent on denial, a concerted effort to ignore the blatant, uncomfortable truths surrounding American history. And in that regard, I believe Stardust to be more accurate than inaccurate, more timeless than anachronistic.”

UPDATE: Stardust Diner was rendered authentic after it was redlined when an African American couple was seen reading a menu posted outside.

Where Are They Now? All the Good Ideas I Had While Doing Blow

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Damn it, dude! They’ve gotta be here somewhere, but I can’t find ‘em! Have you seen my… uh… you know… uh… Ideas? YEAH! Ideas! I had some last night after a few juicy bumps, and I had the clarity of mind to write ‘em down. Over the last two years, I’ve had so many great ideas — MILLION DOLLAR IDEAS, MAN! — scattered to the winds of time because I didn’t write down my thoughts while I was making Tony Montana look like a D.A.R.E. officer.

Honestly, the last thing I remember was being hit by a beam of pure brilliance and then running down the stairs backwards to grab some paper. My mind was exploding with all the possibilities and ideas that could collapse the racist, sexist, terminally-ill hell hole we call our society in on itself. These ideas weren’t just to make me super rich and famous — even though they totally will — they were meant to change our world for the better! Come on! Where are they?!

Instead of the radical, society-rattling thoughts I channeled as my brain was ravaged by the supreme processing powers brought on by cocaine, I found some phrases and insane sketches on a utility bill. But I know what I really wrote down, the really good stuff, has to still be here. Check under that pizza box!

I think I must’ve been close to an energy breakthrough capable of solving the climate crisis. I just wish I would’ve written more down than “animal radiators” and “sheep engine” because that doesn’t make sense. I mean, it’s clearly linked to the drawing of a car with legs on my bathroom wall, but I’m still not sure I get it. And on the inside of this past-due utility bill, I guess I wrote horse power, like, a hundred times? I’m sure that had to mean something, right? Shit, man. Did I just write a bunch of insane bullshit?

I really need to… Wait, WAIT! Maybe I was so zooted last night that I was on another level that I’m currently incapable of understanding! Holy shit! Why didn’t I think of this before!?! I was so smart that I can’t understand it now! Shit! Forget about the paper man, let’s go get some more blow! We’ll crack this thing yet!

Everyone in Punk House Assumes Ghost is Someone’s Friend

Posted on by Collin Canning

FALL RIVER, Mass. — A centuries-old apparition roaming the innards of an 1800’s New England heritage property “must be someone else’s friend,” reports every one of the 13 punks currently living there.

“I got this place after some uncle of mine croaked,” said Shelly “Skud” Roberts, owner of the 200+-year-old sprawling mansion tucked into the trees on the edge of a dark, dense forest. “The only catch was that I had to stay one night inside the place? Fuckin easy! We brought a generator down into this tunnel we found under the basement and had a slick little rave setup. I must’ve been up for 30 hours before it dawned on me ‘Shit, dude! I own a house now!’ That’s when this super hipster girl started hanging around, I figured it was Jeff’s buddy.”

A woman has been described to have been wandering the halls of the estate by dozens of people over the years, many speculate her to be the ghost of a “loose woman” who disappeared near the home in 1889.

“She’s not my buddy, I thought she was one of the girls hanging around with Kenzie,” said roommate Jeff Gagnon, putting another pan into the sink “to soak.” “She always has a couple normies hanging around who seem to be in love with her. This chick’s always pacing outside her room checking her pocket watch and looking at me with sheer horror on her face before crying and shuffling off down the hall. Really par for the course with these fools she brings around.”

While many in the household are slightly irked by the ghost’s presence, some have found an appreciation for her.

“Yeah, that girl’s cool as shit,” said noise musician Skye Cela, absentmindedly passing a magnet over a ball of tangled audio tape. “She just hangs out on the fourth floor being all moody and shit. Dope aesthetic. I can’t say I’ve talked to her though, I figured she was coming through with some touring band since she’s always looming around the bathroom. She leaves the floor all sticky but that’s only actually like, the fifth-worst thing that someone’s done in there, so no worries.”

At press time the semi-transparent presence was said to have been standing in the highest attic window staring menacingly down on a three-banjo jam session on the front porch.