Band Has Token Girl Drummer, Girl Bassist, Girl Guitarist, and Girl Singer

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Audience members were upset at a local punk show last night when touring band Metallicunt revealed themselves to have a token girl drummer, bassist, guitarist, and lead singer.

“It’s just so blatantly a diversity and ‘quirkiness’ thing and frankly, I’m sick of it,” said audience member and self-proclaimed “male feminist” Rick Braun. “I hate it when a band clearly thinks it’s cool to have a girl member, and I don’t care that they all are founding members of the band and are very talented musicians, I just think that they all diversity-hired each other. Having all women in the band like that made it hard for me to tell who was the bassist and who was the singer. I definitely will not be supporting.”

The show’s producer Michael Shanley commented about how his role has changed given the band’s lineup.

“It has been a real trouble dealing with four girls all in one band,” Shanley said. “For starters, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out which one to sexualize. Furthermore, none of them said they were playing exclusively the tambourine during soundcheck, so that was another issue. Audiences just hate when there’s one token girl member, so four token girl members makes my job very difficult. Sure, they may have it pretty bad, but people neglect to consider how this affects me, and I think that’s not very fair.”

Industry insider Jack Mayfair spoke out in favor of the band and condemned the criticism the band was receiving.

“All this sexism is making me sick,” Mayfair said. “I strongly think it’s a great thing when something has a token woman, it really covers our ass. I, for one, think it is past time we had a token woman in the White House. Not as president, per se, but just in the building. How magnificent that would be. This band rocks, and their gender shouldn’t matter. But since it does, I’m a hero for enjoying them.”

At press time, not a single woman was interviewed about this event, but nobody saw that as being part of the problem.

Mid-30s Woman Survives Crazy Bender of Introducing Self to Three Strangers, Following Them on Instagram

Posted on by Emma Jonas

DURHAM, N.C. — Local graphic designer Kendra Thayer was relieved to wake up intact after an intense night of introducing herself to three complete strangers that culminated in mutual Instagram follows, astonished sources report.

“I don’t know what came over me,” Thayer said. “I haven’t done anything like that since college. Back then I’d meet five, maybe ten people a night, and I’d wake up with three or four DMs from people most mornings asking me if we were still on for brunch. I was posting on so many walls every day. I have no idea how I had that kind of stamina. The morning after I followed these people, I nearly gave myself a migraine trying to scroll through their pics and like just enough to show that I was interested in continuing our friendship, but not overly expectant or obsessive.”

Thayer and wife Beth Ainsley had been enjoying a drink at Archie’s when Thayer approached a group of three strangers to compliment one of their handbags.

“I thought that version of Kendra was gone when she lost the password to her MySpace account, but I guess old habits die hard,” Ainsley said. “I was right there with her in her Top 8 in those days, but now, we’re too old to be doing that kind of stuff. I can follow maybe one or two trending Instagram accounts a week, sure, three if I’m feeling saucy. But to meet people in real life and exchange follows so quickly? I’m amazed she still has it in her. I’m a little worried, if I’m being honest. A couple weeks ago she joked around with a cashier at Target. I don’t know if I can keep up.”

Fortunately for Thayer, her new acquaintances did not return the favor.

“I don’t know who that person is and I don’t care to,” said “new friend” on Instagram Davida Hardy. “I added a new person to my close friends list this past April and my roster is full. It’s too much. You can’t expect me to keep up all evening sending fire reacts to pics of a glass of wine, or heart emojis to reels of someone’s kids in a pumpkin patch forever. I wish her the best but I just can’t commit to a new follow right now.”

At press time, Thayer was temporarily deactivating her Facebook account and setting her Instagram to private, at least until she and Beth get caught up on “Succession.”

‘Friend Zoned’ Guy Using Friend Kind Of Liberally

Posted on by Ryan Danley

DENVER — Local cryptocurrency trader, Evan Silver, pushed the limits of the definition of ‘friend’ when discussing a current relationship in which he was “put in the friend zone,” sources confirm.

“When I first met Kirstin [Shaw] at Dan-o’s party last month, we hit it off immediately. We just had this connection. We only talked for a minute, laughing about the White Claw selection, but it was like we had known each other forever. So that night when I sent her a DM and she only answered with a blue thumbs up, I knew I had been put in the ‘friend zone,’” said Silver. “But I’m not one to let a good thing go so when she posted a sad poem on Facebook a couple days later, I messaged her immediately asking if everything was OK, and if she wanted to get a cup of coffee. She never responded. Probably too afraid to hurt our friendship.”

When alerted to the ‘friend zone’ accusations, a confused Shaw first had to look up the word “friend” in a dictionary.

“It turns out ‘friend’ has a broad definition, and I guess he fits it. Sort of. But he’s more accurately an acquaintance. We have mutual ‘proper friends,’ but if I saw him on the street, I would smile but wouldn’t stop to talk. So maybe he’s in the ‘Acquaintance Zone,” if that’s a thing,” said Shaw. “And honestly I didn’t even realize he had messaged me after that meme I posted. My inbox filled up with dudes asking me if I’m alright. Sadly they all end up in the ‘DM Dude Zone.’ That’s tough to break out of. Why do I have to think about this, though?”

Cultural anthropologist Simon Daniels isn’t surprised by the miscommunication.

“While we may laugh at the extended use of the word ‘friend’ we have to look at the broader context of the term in history. Friends used to have a specific meaning, a human emotional connection. Someone you could count on. Now, friends are mostly just people who agree with you while shitposting on subreddits,” said Daniels. “Words change meaning over time. But one thing that does stay the same — nice guys finish last! Just ask that girl I went on two dates with who won’t respond to any of my ‘happy birthday’ texts. If we are in a ‘friend zone,’ she’s the worst friend I’ve ever met in my life.”

Silver was unavailable for further comment as he was busy liking all the pics from the barista at his local coffee shop’s recent vacation.

I Don’t Know Who Needs to Hear This But You are Brave, You are Beautiful, and You are About to be Hit by a Car

Posted on by Dan Rice

They say that you should be kind to all people because everyone is fighting an invisible war that you know nothing about, but what about the people fighting highly visible wars? Don’t they deserve our love, compassion, and sympathy just as much?

To the total stranger across the street from me right now I want you to know that no matter how down on yourself you get, no matter how many times you fall short of your goals, and no matter how small this world can make you feel, you are a beautiful soul, you are a warrior, and you matter. Also, you are about to be hit by a drunk driver.

I don’t know who you are but you are a luminous being. You are loved, you are heard, and you don’t need to prove anything to anybody, save for perhaps proof of insurance to the hospital should you be conscious after that car hits you.

When I first saw you across the street and realized the impending nature of the accident you are about to be in I thought to myself, “Now there is someone in need of a self-worth check.” I did what any progressive-minded person should do in that situation: I took to my blog.

Make no mistake, this car accident is going to happen. Even if I were to yell “Hey, look out!” to you right now instead of typing up this blog, which I could definitely do because you are totally within earshot, it would probably be too late. You are getting hit by that car and you can’t change that. What you CAN change is how you REACT to being hit by that car.

Instead of saying: “Holy shit that car is about to hit me, I’m so dumb for chasing that quarter that rolled out into the street and got stuck on some gum!”
Say: I am learning to be more frugal, and it’s okay if there are some bumps along the way!

Instead of saying: “I deserve this for being such an idiot!”
Say: “I deserve love and respect, even if I sometimes make mistakes!”

Instead of saying: “I am flying through the air from that car hitting me and will likely die on impact.”
Say: “Weeee! This is fun!”

I pray that this post will reach you in time, but even if it doesn’t, I don’t care. I just need to say that you are a glorious ray of light and I hope that you never forget it, even as you are propelled through the air by that speeding Buick, having been knocked right out of your shoes which, yes, does actually happen. I’ve seen a lot of accidents.

Metal Band Debates Whether Their Commitment Is Full Corpse Paint and Cloaks or Just Longish Hair

Posted on by Matt McInerney

PHOENIX — Aging members of local metal band Toxins in the Bloodstream are deep in a spiraling debate about whether they should go all-in with corpse paint and cloaks or just keep growing their hair out a bit, aggravated sources confirmed.

“Our first show is Saturday night at the Fat Cat and I’m just not sure about Alvin’s idea to go big with the full face makeup and outfits. Once you commit to that, I just don’t know if there’s any going back. It’s already hard enough just finding time to practice,” said Gunner Hightower, vocalist, and father of two. “Sure, corpse paint would look cool, but I have to pick up my kids after this show. I don’t want to spend an hour wiping myself down and trying to get out of the weird gimp suit he showed me. My hair is already long enough to poke out the bottom of a beanie, other than that, smudged eyeliner is as far as I’m willing or able to go.”

Drummer Alvin Ball, however, hoped for a more dramatic look to be shared by the band.

“If you’ve seen four older dudes in flannels and work boots up on stage, you’ve seen 100 — this is our shot to really set ourselves apart and let the metal community know we’re not fucking around,” said Ball, while opening a grey wool cloak to adjust a spiked belt with a padlock on the front of it. “I’ve got the smoke machines rented, and I’ve hired a few local actors to hang from these sick crosses I built in my shop. Plus, I managed to snatch up every last makeup kit in stock before that Spirit Halloween turned back into a vape shop. This is gonna be dope!”

Venue owner, Big Fat Rob, did not seem to understand what we were talking about when asked for comment.

“Oh, I thought they were just doing covers. Aren’t they like Hollywood Vampires or something? Isn’t that what black metal is, some sort of Alice Cooper business? I golfed with him one time ya know,” the Fat Cat owner stated. “Anyways, we usually get a good turnout, 20 or 30 peoples. I figure, give the crowd a ‘Freebird’ or two, they’ll be thrilled. Seems like a great way to break up the two comics I’ve got booked that night.”

As the band practiced late into Friday night, Ball’s wife was spotted reluctantly asking their neighborhood butcher if they had any extra pig’s blood behind the counter.

I Refuse To Change My Guitar Strings Out of Protest of How Hard It Is To Change Guitar Strings

Posted on by Eric Navarro

The world is changing too rapidly. Between advances in culture and technology, some of us can’t keep up and many people are simply refusing to comply out of protest. From COVID mandates to language policing, people all across the country are starting to resist. For me, that means refusing to change my guitar strings in protest of a world that has simply pushed too far. And also because the little “E” one is really hard to get on and I cut my finger real bad the last time I tried.

When I hold an American flag I think, “These colors don’t run.” Similarly, I think the same thing when I hold up my axe and see how caked in rust and blood the strings are.

I believe in tradition. I also believe in manufacturing products that require very little maintenance and are intuitive when they do. Seriously, guitars have been around since at least the 70s and we still haven’t found a way to push a button and get new strings? It’s 2021 for God’s sake. I just ordered magic mushrooms to be delivered to my apartment that happens to be within miles of the fucking White House. Where is our Uber for guitar tech?

We need to slow down on consumerism too, people. Life is not a race for shiny new toys unless those toys are effects pedals. Why must we consume so much? Why can’t we just enjoy what we have? For instance, I’ve had these same guitar strings on my axe for the last fourteen years. I was rocking against Clinton when I got these strings. Me and these strings have rocked against so many people at this point. How can I change them now? Seriously, how? No one taught me and everyone on r/guitar thinks I’m trolling.

Not changing your strings is also great for the environment. Is your tin-plated steel footprint as small as mine? I bet you go through guitar strings faster than I go through plastic straws, teabags, and cans of extra-aerosol hairspray. Plus, the “B” string takes like a week to settle in before it can adequately stay in tune and I might get my first gig during that time period. Can’t risk it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to spend the next fifteen minutes carefully tuning to drop D. Otherwise, I might snap a string and then I’ll have to learn another instrument, which I’m pretty sure is how bass players are made.

Kinky Couple Roleplays As If They’re Still Sexually Interested In Each Other

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SPOKANE, Wash. — Local kinksters Justin Lentz and Carly Melhado added a new wrinkle to their sexual routine early yesterday evening by pretending to actually still be interested in the other, sources who have to be up early in the morning confirmed.

“Sexually and emotionally speaking, Carly and I have been pretty in sync from day one, but lately, things have gotten a little vanilla,” explained Lentz, of the four-year relationship between the pair. “I think it’s time we get some of that magic back in a way that we know from experience works — by pretending to be other people who didn’t just spend 35 minutes hearing about how their partner’s boss chews too loud, or the ins and outs of how they think they can tweak their carbs to fats intake ratio. It’s taken a lot for me to get back into this mindset. I know everything about her, which includes what her farts smell like depending on what sort of food we had for dinner.”

Melhado agreed that introducing the roleplay scenario is worth trying.

“We’ve done a lot of role-playing in the past and it’s helped us push our boundaries in a good way. We did all the raunchy BDSM stuff in the early days, but once our dishwasher broke it was tough to wash all those toys and the spark faded,” Melhado stated. “But I’m feeling good about what we have now. It’s always been a fantasy of mine to pretend to be someone who hasn’t extracted dozens of blackheads from Justin’s back, or who’s not witnessed him hire a Taskrabbit to install a doorknob at his mom’s house. Even just having the willingness to shave my asshole again as if anything could happen back there would be pretty exciting.”

Sex and relationships experts confirmed that stagnation over time is common among all couples.

“Over time, sexual urgency among pairs will slow down, but that doesn’t mean the spark can’t come back with a little creativity,” explained Dr. Miryim Shah. “Many of my patients add activities like watching porn together, adding toys to their play sessions, or just simply pretending you haven’t already fucked the person you care about most in the world in every position known to man, and several invertebrate species. You just have to think outside the box.”

At press time, the couple was on Tinder in search of a unicorn to join the couple in weighing the pros and cons of leasing versus buying their next vehicle.

Plus-size Mannequins Are Just Part of the Liberal Agenda To Get Me Hard at the Mall

Posted on by Michael Gursky

I am constantly thinking about what sort of outlandishness the liberals will force upon us next. What else will their Godless minds twist and contort in an effort to normalize yet another sickening perversion? Their latest agenda is one without cause and, unsurprisingly, without heart. They’re trying to get me chubbed up at the mall, people. They want me hard while I strut innocently by an Athleta. And how could I not be? Just look at those plus-sized mannequins the liberals planted and posed so sexily.

Just look at ’em. Luring me in to buy affordable, yet durable, women’s sportswear. And it’s not just at Athleta. Clothing stores across the country are filled with these full-bodied, sexy pieces of plastic. This is all a sick ploy from the Democrats. They’ve deviously plotted this over time, specifically targeting me and my love for their plump, hot mannequins.

These curvy, clothes-modeling fixtures have been framed by the media as inclusive. It sets a healthier standard, they say. Well sure, women want to see an actual body represented but they absolutely do not want to see my body “represented” while they’re shopping for something to jog in. But you know who does? The liberal agenda.

Why would a round-bottomed ceramic bombshell even be in a department store display window if not to get me hard? What was wrong with the old mannequins? The thin, bald, dead-in-the-eyes ladies that scared me. They didn’t get me hard nearly as often. I wonder who the Democrats were trying to make horny when they made those.

These demonic elites need to answer for their manipulative, pants-adjusting tactics. Why are they gradually filling every clothing store with luscious, full-bodied ‘quins? Furthermore, why do they desire me rocking a stiffy at the mall? Until I receive a valid answer, I’m certain it’s the leftists continuing to undermine American values. This time in the form of tugging on my libido by plopping before me an arsenal of faceless curvy women in every American mall. Just teasing me. Playing with my mind and my body. Ohh yeah, this is so hot. Oh shit, gotta go. I think that mall cop is headed my way.

Punk Historian Reveals GG Allin’s Full Name Was Gilmore Girls Allin

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LANCASTER, N.H. — A local historian of punk rock recently unearthed incontrovertible evidence that GG Allin’s full name was actually Gilmore Girls Allin, sources who didn’t think they could be more shocked about Allin’s life confirmed.

“It’s a common misconception that GG is just what his older brother called him for short because the thought of calling him by his actual birth name of Jesus Christ was flat out ridiculous,” said George Sternberg, professor of punk culture at DeVry University. “However, the true story is that the family started calling him Gilmore Girls Allin after a young GG smeared excrement all over his crib in the shape of a couple of words that later became the name of that People’s Choice Awards-nominated television show. He just shortened Gilmore Girls to GG for brevity and because it sounded cooler. Allin actually incorporated much of his personality traits as a toddler into his stage persona, including publicly shitting himself.”

Amy Sherman-Palladino, creator of “Gilmore Girls,” confirmed that the name of the show was no coincidence.

“Oh yes, the entire seven seasons was basically one big tribute to that man,” said Sherman-Palladino before putting on Allin’s “Brutality and Bloodshed for All” album to pump herself up while writing the next season of “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.” “There were so many scenes that the network said were too raunchy for TV, DVD bonus features, and just life in general. You don’t even want to know how many scenes we had to scrap where Rory straight up sprayed diarrhea at unsuspecting strangers on the sidewalk when she was having a bad day. The show really lacked that anti-authoritarian shock element.”

Industry experts have cited Allin’s influence on other famous TV shows.

“A surprising amount of television programming on the WB network was inspired by the life and music of GG Allin,” said TV critic Dawn Pennweather. “The creator of ‘Dawson’s Creek’ once stated that the show was loosely based on the lyrics of GG’s ‘Cock on the Loose’ track. The idea for ‘7th Heaven’ supposedly came about after the show’s creator listened to ‘Suck My Ass It Smells’ on repeat during a weekend cocaine bender. GG might’ve inadvertently inspired more television programming geared toward teens than actual punk music. He’s a bit of a legend. Just not in ways you might think.”

On a related note, Sternberg also confirmed rumors that the full nickname for Bad Brains’ vocalist HR is indeed Human Resources.

Newly-Woke Friend Still in “Exposing Columbus” Phase

Posted on by John Merrifield

BOSTON — Recent Northeastern University alumni James Gillen is aggressively spreading awareness of the atrocities committed by Christopher Columbus to his friends, confirmed sources who were already well aware of Columbus’ horrific legacy.

“How do people not know about this? I mean America was literally founded by a murderous criminal, why do we still have a holiday celebrating him? I feel like I’m the only person that’s actually talking about this,” said Gillen angrily while thumbing through a 6th-grade history textbook. “I was always taught the rhyme to remember when he left, something about 1493, Columbus sailed the open sea, or something like that. Regardless, this goes all the way up to the top and shows how corrupt and vile our society is.”

Paul Rainville, a long-time friend of Gillen said that he has a habit of showing great interest in things and then forgetting all about it several days later.

“Just last week he was losing his mind over the amount of used guitar strings that get wasted when people don’t fashion them into bracelets instead of throwing them out,” said Rainville while hiding his own textbooks from middle school. “The best thing to do is to just buckle down and wait for it to pass. Soon enough he’ll get bored of it and find some other novelty to turn into his personality. We’ve learned to take it with a grain of salt and love him for the complacent, uninteresting person that he is.”

Joseph Griffin, a history professor from Brown University says that this kind of wokeness is common in younger people.

“I see it all the time in the classroom. Some bright-eyed grad student thinks they are going to change the world by chewing everyone’s heads off about Columbus as if we don’t already know he exists and we all just collectively choose to ignore it,” said Griffin. “By next semester he will put Columbus in his rearview mirror and shift to telling everyone within earshot that John Lennon was a domestic abuser. Or who knows, maybe we will get lucky and he will just start reading Karl Marx, either way, he’s going to think he’s the only person that has ‘figured it out.’”

At press time, Gillen was found frozen in shock after learning that George Washington was a slave owner.