Where Are They Now? All the Good Ideas I Had While Doing Blow

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Damn it, dude! They’ve gotta be here somewhere, but I can’t find ‘em! Have you seen my… uh… you know… uh… Ideas? YEAH! Ideas! I had some last night after a few juicy bumps, and I had the clarity of mind to write ‘em down. Over the last two years, I’ve had so many great ideas — MILLION DOLLAR IDEAS, MAN! — scattered to the winds of time because I didn’t write down my thoughts while I was making Tony Montana look like a D.A.R.E. officer.

Honestly, the last thing I remember was being hit by a beam of pure brilliance and then running down the stairs backwards to grab some paper. My mind was exploding with all the possibilities and ideas that could collapse the racist, sexist, terminally-ill hell hole we call our society in on itself. These ideas weren’t just to make me super rich and famous — even though they totally will — they were meant to change our world for the better! Come on! Where are they?!

Instead of the radical, society-rattling thoughts I channeled as my brain was ravaged by the supreme processing powers brought on by cocaine, I found some phrases and insane sketches on a utility bill. But I know what I really wrote down, the really good stuff, has to still be here. Check under that pizza box!

I think I must’ve been close to an energy breakthrough capable of solving the climate crisis. I just wish I would’ve written more down than “animal radiators” and “sheep engine” because that doesn’t make sense. I mean, it’s clearly linked to the drawing of a car with legs on my bathroom wall, but I’m still not sure I get it. And on the inside of this past-due utility bill, I guess I wrote horse power, like, a hundred times? I’m sure that had to mean something, right? Shit, man. Did I just write a bunch of insane bullshit?

I really need to… Wait, WAIT! Maybe I was so zooted last night that I was on another level that I’m currently incapable of understanding! Holy shit! Why didn’t I think of this before!?! I was so smart that I can’t understand it now! Shit! Forget about the paper man, let’s go get some more blow! We’ll crack this thing yet!

Everyone in Punk House Assumes Ghost is Someone’s Friend

Posted on by Collin Canning

FALL RIVER, Mass. — A centuries-old apparition roaming the innards of an 1800’s New England heritage property “must be someone else’s friend,” reports every one of the 13 punks currently living there.

“I got this place after some uncle of mine croaked,” said Shelly “Skud” Roberts, owner of the 200+-year-old sprawling mansion tucked into the trees on the edge of a dark, dense forest. “The only catch was that I had to stay one night inside the place? Fuckin easy! We brought a generator down into this tunnel we found under the basement and had a slick little rave setup. I must’ve been up for 30 hours before it dawned on me ‘Shit, dude! I own a house now!’ That’s when this super hipster girl started hanging around, I figured it was Jeff’s buddy.”

A woman has been described to have been wandering the halls of the estate by dozens of people over the years, many speculate her to be the ghost of a “loose woman” who disappeared near the home in 1889.

“She’s not my buddy, I thought she was one of the girls hanging around with Kenzie,” said roommate Jeff Gagnon, putting another pan into the sink “to soak.” “She always has a couple normies hanging around who seem to be in love with her. This chick’s always pacing outside her room checking her pocket watch and looking at me with sheer horror on her face before crying and shuffling off down the hall. Really par for the course with these fools she brings around.”

While many in the household are slightly irked by the ghost’s presence, some have found an appreciation for her.

“Yeah, that girl’s cool as shit,” said noise musician Skye Cela, absentmindedly passing a magnet over a ball of tangled audio tape. “She just hangs out on the fourth floor being all moody and shit. Dope aesthetic. I can’t say I’ve talked to her though, I figured she was coming through with some touring band since she’s always looming around the bathroom. She leaves the floor all sticky but that’s only actually like, the fifth-worst thing that someone’s done in there, so no worries.”

At press time the semi-transparent presence was said to have been standing in the highest attic window staring menacingly down on a three-banjo jam session on the front porch.

Roommate Sick of Being the Only One That Steals Toilet Paper for the House

Posted on by Dom Turek

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Local woman Missy Frazier is sick of being the only one of her roommates with enough common decency to steal toilet paper for the house, according to the divided home.

“It’s an issue of maturity,” said Frazier, stuffing four rolls of toilet paper into her backpack from a dive bar bathroom. “I get that we’re all busy, but how hard is it to stop at the market on your way home from work, grab an eight pack of Charmin Ultra Strong and walk out like you own the place? It doesn’t even have to be a luxury brand. I’ll settle for a jumbo wheel of one-ply lifted from the bus stop, or even a stack of C-folds from a restaurant bathroom. It’s the effort that matters.”

Since moving into the shared space three years ago, Frazier has noticed a consistent toilet paper shortage, leading some of her roommates to become resourceful.

“We’re out of toilet paper?” asked Stacey Gunn, wiping her ass with a stack of cheap napkins that came with her to-go order of pad see ew. “I didn’t even notice. Missy thinks she’s god’s gift to apartments because once every few weeks, she brings home a couple of rolls of low-quality toilet paper from the gas station. I wouldn’t wipe my dog’s ass with that stuff. Maybe she should focus less on the toilet paper and more on the dishes she’s been ‘letting soak’ in the sink for two months.”

The growing rift in the house has led Frazier to launch a futile tirade of passive-aggressive attacks against her roommates.

“I walked into the bathroom, and there was a roll of paper sitting on top of the closed toilet seat as a ‘fuck you,’” said tenant Zach Greenwald. “I can tell she stole it from that shithole bar around the corner because it smells like someone deep-fried it in old cooking oil and let a bunch of cats pee on it. I have three emergency rolls of Cottonelle under my bed. I don’t need her charity.”

At press time, Frazier was seen begrudgingly stealing a line of all-natural cleaning products for the house from Whole Foods.

Man With Long-Standing Crush on Friend Finally Works Up Courage to Ruin Friendship, Social Circle, Life

Posted on by John Danek

CLARKSBURG, W. Va. — Hopeless romantic Stevie Knightson recently imploded his entire social life by profusely expressing his longtime admiration for pal Irene Debcott, ashamed friends reported.

“Heed my words: take your long-standing crushes to your grave. My life is fucked into oblivion now,” said Knightson, who apparently cornered Debcott after a party asking to talk outside. “I’d been gathering subtle clues she left me for years, like when she almost sat next to me in the backseat of Lori’s pickup truck. We were like, two feet apart. What a sociopathic tease… now I’m booted out of the group chat and we’ll probably never finish our Pandemic Legacy campaign.”

Irene Debcott has been aware of Knightson’s crush since late 2016.

“I’m not surprised he had a crush on me but I am shocked he finally came out with it,” professed Debcott, who has gotten engaged twice since meeting Knightson. “I thought he was going to continue telling all our friends that he’s ‘finally gonna make a move’ until he died alone at 93-years old. But nope, he asked to talk then said things like ‘I think we could take this to the next level’ and ‘I know you feel it too’ until I faked fainting so my friend would come interrupt us.”

“But now I don’t wanna be around him because it’s weird, and neither do our friends,” continued Debcott. “And it extra sucks because now I have to wait probably a whole year before I can ask his brother out. I always thought he was cute.”

Dating experts agree that good results from eternal crushes on friends are exceedingly rare.

“Here’s the thing — everyone with a painful, embarrassing crush thinks they’re so subtle about it and yet, everyone knows from day one, including the crushee,” said relationship therapist Oliver Growner. “He should have just continued dating around until some wonderful person knocked the crush out of his head. That’s when you see your hopeless crush for what it is: embarrassing, incorrect, and dangerous. Grow up. They’re too good for you.”

Sources indicate that Knightson has subsequently been fired from his job, got COVID, was evicted from his apartment, uninvited from Christmas at his family’s, and shit on by a bird all in the 12 hours following his proclamation to Irene Debcott.

Oh Dear God I’m In The Top WHAT Percent of Hootie & the Blowfish Listeners This Year?

Posted on by Aidan Sears

It’s that time of year again! With people receiving their Spotify Wrapped for the year, it’s time to reflect on the music we all listened to in 2021. Apparently, the soundtrack to my year was Hootie & the Blowfish! And I listened to them enough to put me in the top… oh. Oh no. Oh sweet God no.

This… this is clearly some sort of algorithmic mistake. The great all-knowing Spotify data-mine mixed up its wires and mistook me, a reasonable woman with eclectic yet relatable musical taste, for some sort of Darius Rucker die-hard. I can’t share this on Instagram. I’d be defaming my own character. God, this, and this only, is why I should just use Bandcamp.

Look, did I listen to some Hootie & the Blowfish this year? Yes. Is “Only Wanna Be With You” one of my go-to karaoke songs, meaning I practice singing it in my car once or twice a week? Absolutely. And guess what? That song blows the roof off the bar every time. Every goddamn time.

And let’s get one thing absolutely crystal fucking clear here — I am not ashamed for liking Hootie & the Blowfish. I saw them live in Buffalo in ’96. Killer show. Packed venue. You’re telling me out of all those Hootie-heads, I’m in the top .01% of listeners? Because I listened to just 12,507 minutes of them this year?

No. I’m not the one who should feel self-conscious. I listen to Hootie & the Blowfish the exact normal amount that everyone should be listening to them. It’s everyone else who should feel ashamed for how little they listen to one of this country’s most underappreciated rock bands.

So go ahead and make your little jokes at the expense of my Spotify Wrapped. Sure, it may not be “cool,” but Hootie is all about being unpretentious. Enjoy showing off how much Swedish math rock you didn’t enjoy listening to. I actually had fun this year.

Punk Pushing 40 Still Has a Few Good Years to Disappoint Parents

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Brian Hedges figured he’s still got a good 10 years to continually disappoint his parents with his life choices, his friends, family, employers, and doctors confirmed.

“I’m no spring chicken anymore, but ol’ Bri’s still got some moves that’ll have my parents avoiding eye contact with the neighbors for at least another eight years, 10 if I get health insurance,” Hedges said. “I may be too old to drop out of school again, but Christmas is coming up and I haven’t been found passed out naked in their hedges in years, so that’s still definitely an option. Plus, my dad is flying back home from a work trip next week and asked me to pick him up, so I can definitely forget to do that and hit up this Pink Floyd laser thing at the planetarium that night instead.”

“Sometimes it feels hard to keep the magic alive after all these years, but you just have to get a little creative at my age,” he added.

Parents Drew and Audrey Hedges want to be proud of their only son, but at this point they’re not holding their breath.

“He’s just so fucking dense,” said Mr. Hedges. “He’s on the wrong side of 30 and he’s still hanging out with kids half his age. Maybe I’d understand if he was actually in a band, but he’s just moshing without a shirt and bumming cigs in the parking lot at Denny’s. We always pushed him to be his best self, but we don’t have unrealistic expectations either.”

Local family counselor Shane Braxton says that disharmony in relationships often comes from lack of communication.

“A lot of these matters can be resolved by simply laying your expectations out on the table. If Drew is feeling grief over his son’s behavior, a simple ‘for fuck’s sake Brian, create a different username on HULU if you’re going to be watching the hardcore stuff,’ could go a long way,” he explained. “It’s not that Brian doesn’t listen, it’s just that he’s a 38-year-old who abused way too many inhalants when he was 17. It takes a little more effort to get through to him.”

At press time, Hedges was seen trying to initiate a game of slap dick with an undercover bicycle cop.

Opinion: As the Designated Driver I Would Appreciate It if the Hard Seltzer Industry Made a Non-alcoholic Version

Posted on by Dan Rice

As a civil-minded person, I take a lot of pride in doing my part to keep people safe. When my coworkers started going to Killigan’s Irish Pub for Thirsty Thursday every week, I was more than happy to volunteer myself for designated driver duties twice a month. I don’t mind missing out on some of the fun if it’s in the service of preventing my coworkers or other innocent bystanders from becoming statistics.

That being said, it does feel like there are some small changes that could be made that would go a long way toward making people like me feel a lot more included. Hard Seltzer is all the rage right now, and I think it’s high time some of these companies started selling a non-alcoholic version of their product.

What I am proposing is that some of these hard seltzer big wigs release a carbonated unsweetened flavor water that does not contain any alcohol at all. I am almost positive that the technology to do so exists, or is at least within our grasp. It should come in a can, it should have the same cool logo on it as the cans Molly and Jepson drink from (I think there’s something going on between those two) and it should say the words “Doomberry Hard Seltzer: Non-alcoholic.”

Sure, there are technically plenty of options at the bar for people staying sober — there are soft drinks, there are non-alcoholic beers, there is “soda water,” whatever the fuck that is. And sure, back when everyone was knocking back Bud Lites and making Monica Lewinsky jokes, an O’Douls worked just fine to make me feel like part of the group, but that just doesn’t cut it anymore. The American drinking palate has evolved, and it’s about time non-alcoholic options evolved with it.

I only get inappropriately drunk with my coworkers every other week. It’s a huge sacrifice on my part, and has nothing to do with the time I got us all kicked out of Dave & Busters. It should be rewarded.

Frankly, I think they’re throwing away a fortune by not doing this. I could see this stuff catching on, quite frankly. We all need to drink more water, but it gets boring sometimes. I think an unsweetened seltzer, flavored with, let’s say, lime or Pamplemousse, could really catch on with the health-conscious crowd. It could be useful for people trying to cut back on soda and other high-calorie drinks.

I find it pretty surprising that this is not already a wildly successful thing that exists.

Also, it should have some alcohol. Not a lot! I think you’re allowed .03% or something before it’s considered “alcoholic.” Or maybe it’s .04%? Whatever the highest is, do that.

 

REPORT: “Bumfuck” Town Not Nearly as Awesome as Moniker Would Suggest

Posted on by John Danek

NEW YORK — Local man and person exploring his kinks for the first time in his life, Jaden Brantz, reported that he was incredibly disappointed by Bentleyville, Pennsylvania, which was “falsely advertised” to him as a place to engage in sodomy.

“My roommate Connie is such a lying sack of shit. She said she comes from this ‘bumfuck’ town called Bentleyville in southwest PA. Sounds awesome, right?” reported Brantz. “So obviously I booked a weeklong AirBNB to investigate for myself. It couldn’t be further from the truth. I don’t know if people there are even having vanilla sex. I thought I almost saw an elderly couple holding hands, but nope, they were just walking close to each other. No trace of assplay anywhere. The town’s diner slaps, though.”

Connie Crenshaw claims that she was completely unaware of Brantz’s unfamiliarity with slang terms for rural areas.

“I should have known that when his ears perked up after I said ‘bumfuck’ that he took it the wrong way,” said Crenshaw, who lovingly roasts her hometown regularly in stand-up comedy sets. “I also said that I lived in ‘the sticks’ and I think Jaden assumed that meant dildos or floggers or something? Or dicks? Come on, man. Kids who grew up in NYC are so weird. They have no perspective or idea of what the rest of the world is like. I wish I never told him about Feeld.”

The mayor of Bentleyville challenged Brantz’s claims that his town is nothing more than a boring, puritan municipality.

“Oh, I’m sorry, you thought our town wasn’t freaky enough?” stated Bentleyville mayor Dominic Klopp, more popularly known by his drag name Queen Klopp. “Our shit is more underground than you can possibly imagine. Casuals can’t just wander into Bentleyville and discover all the best spots. You need to be in the know. Better luck next time, normie. Go back to Bushwick with all the other Iowa transplants.”

Brantz’s situation has reportedly worsened on reports that he was fired from his job and charged with assault due to an unfortunate, too-literal attempt at “brown-nosing.”

You Always Act Like I’m the Bad Guy Just Because My House Is a Volcano Shaped Like a Skull

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Listen, I know I’m not perfect, and I know I’m not always my “best self,” but I’m sick of everyone in this town acting like everything I do is evil or something. You guys can’t just keep holding onto these few stray instances and pretending like I’m the bad guy all of the time. For example, that time I made an excellent real estate deal.

First of all, who cares where it is, it’s only going to go up in value. I understand that the plot is at the base of an active volcano, but that’s why it was such a great deal! And so what if the house I built into it looks kind of like a skull. Or “a lot like a skull” as you all keep saying. It’s cool, deal with it.

Then there are my collectibles that you keep prodding me about. Let it go, you’re just jealous of my incredible pieces: my Bill-Koch-owned Thomas Jefferson wine forgery, my miniature Marvin Heemeyer bulldozer replica, my Jeff Bezos autographed Amazon box.

“Oh, anyone with his own personal Nazi museum in his volcano skull compound must be evil!” you say. Nonsense! I dedicated a small wing of my home to Nazi paraphernalia to remind me not to be that way! What do you people do to remind yourselves not to act like Hitler? Oh, nothing? Real responsible.

Then of course there’s the barely noticeable little piece of kryptonite I keep in a VERY SAFE lead-infused glass case on my desk. You people just love holding my feet to the fire on that one. As I have stated 1000 times before, I have that JUST IN CASE Superman goes crazy one day! Trust me, he appreciates the fact that guys like me are out there keeping him in check!

And now you’re critical of my inventions! These are just little hobbies that keep me occupied. Plenty of people have workshops in their basement or work on an old car in their garage. I don’t see how my lab is any different. Plus, I’ve told you repeatedly that the giant modified laser pointer slowly inching towards the end of that conveyor belt is just an experiment, no one’s going to get hurt.

I promise I’ll unstrap that dapper gagged gentleman in the tuxedo as soon as he apologizes for what he’s done, and way before the laser beam reaches him.

I could come up with a bunch of examples that make you guys look like the bad guy. But I’m not going to do that, because I’m a nice person, and I have enough firepower to level this town if I ever have to, so whatever.

“Gentle White Noise Sleep Sounds (5 Hours)” Named Woman’s Top Spotify Song of the Year

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Local punk Abigail Burton was forced to confront the ways her listening habits reflect her deeply pathetic personal life after a white noise sound topped her 2021 Top Song in Spotify.

“I listened to a lot of music this year while I was commuting, and also just hanging out around the house,” Burton said, visibly perturbed. “So seeing that the white noise I use to just zone out and stare into space when things start to get too heavy outweighed all of that just kind of puts things in perspective about what the hell I’m even doing. Is this my life?”

Burton’s friends, who were eagerly sharing their own statistics, seemed worried at Burton’s reluctance to put her own results out there.

“It just makes you wonder what she’s hiding, you know?” said friend Charlene Cook. “If I’m willing to let the world know that Machine Gun Kelly was in my top five this year, then what kind of dark shit doesn’t she want the rest of us to know? I know it sounds cynical, but if you don’t have anything to be ashamed of, then why aren’t you just coming clean? It makes me nervous that her top podcast was Cum Town or something.”

When asked what she might do differently next year to avoid a crisis like this, Burton seemed nervous but hopeful.

“As soon as I saw my list, I went online and bought a white noise machine,” Burton said. “That way, I can get the benefits without having any recorded proof of it, and won’t be faced with the fact that this is just apparently the way my brain works now and what I need to function. It just sucks, because you want to hop on and join in and share with everyone else, but there’s just no way in hell I’m putting myself out there like that. All I can do is just try to hide my habits so this doesn’t happen again, because I’m not willing or able to change them.”

According to sources, other songs in Burton’s top five included “Deep Healing Energy 528Hz Ancient Frequency for Healing, and a guided meditation for children laid over soothing ocean noises.