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Here’s Which Shoelaces Say “Im a Nazi” and Which Say “I Want To Raw Dog It in This Costco”

We’ve all been there: we’re at our local Costco looking for an anonymous thrill and we see a punk starting to walk towards us in a fresh pair of Doc Martens and brightly colored laces. But what do those laces mean? Are they good, bad, or the good kind of bad?

Here is our guide to help you decode these fashion choices.

If the boots are black and the laces are red, get out of the way! That person is definitely a neo-nazi (or, if they are old enough, just an old school nazi) and they are not afraid to show it through a bold lace color.

But if the punk is sporting a green lace in a black boot, then you’re in for a treat: this punk just wants to sneak off to the bathroom and raw dog it with a complete stranger. So if you’re in the mood for some unprotected sex, just let them know you like the laces and point out the nearest restroom with a locking door (or not!).

And if you need help sorting this out, just remember the old saying: laces of red, they want Jews dead. Laces of green, they just want that peen.

If the punk is sporting white boots, however, the meaning of the laces reverses. A white Doc with red laces means they strongly support the Jewish community and white with green laces means they’re saving it until marriage.

They are never just shoe laces, that much we know for sure.

Outside of these colors, a punk’s laces can mean all sorts of different things. For instance, a black boot with yellow laces means that they are currently running from a swarm of angry bees. We suggest running in the same direction, unless you want to get stung!

Now a black boot with blue laces represents a death at sea to these nautically minded punk. A friend of theirs must have died in a sailing accident of some kind, or maybe at a Decemberists show. It’s appropriate to let them know how sorry you are for their loss.

Even though all of this may seem overwhelming, it’s still easier to figure out what certain lace colors mean than it is for other articles of clothing. For instance: we keep seeing all these people with black and red arm bands at this political rally we’re at and we have no idea what they are trying to say. We’ll try raw dogging them all and see what happens!