Instead of Scary Forest or Dirty Warehouse Maybe We Pick Some Place Nice for Our Photo Shoot This Time?

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Okay hear me out, fellas. I’m not trying to say that our past photo shoots weren’t great. I love the memories we made that time we trudged through a dark, winter forest and stood for hours in the snow trying to capture the sun perfectly illuminating our studded armbands. That’s why I can still feel the pneumonia like it was just yesterday. And also because it’s become a chronic condition.

And I’ll always love that time we snuck into an old abandoned warehouse, fighting through cobwebs and stepping on cockroach-filled rats so we could nail that shot of us scowling in front of a rusty door. Bruce, your vision truly came to life on that one.

All I’m trying to say is, what if we tried someplace nice? Like, one time? Just putting it out there. As an example, what if we did a summer-y tiki backyard pool photoshoot? I know it might get a little hot for our full denim outfits or that leather getup Devon loves. But it might be nice to switch it up and get some band photos without also getting tetanus.

Alternatively, have we ever considered a trip to the beach? I’m not saying we have to smile and do anything enjoyable or even fun. But what if we tried to pull off our signature spine-chilling poses with a gentle ocean breeze at our backs? We could take a break from some of our more involved footwear and just bury our toes in the sand. It’s not like anyone could see our spikey boots when we were knee-deep in snow anyway. Plus, this time none of us will get our socks wet. Remember how we got our socks wet? A real day-ruiner.

So anyway, the beach! I’m thinking we pose poolside. Or even at a cozy Airbnb with a nice view. I’ve done a little digging already and found some pretty good deals on charming off-season ski lodges in Vermont.

Or we could go with Corey’s idea of us climbing through razor wire in an abandoned mental institution. A weekend in the hospital could be fun too.

Tool Fan Misses Entire Set Untangling Ponytail from Nunchucks

Posted on by Ted Pillow

ST. LOUIS — Diehard Tool fan Glenn “Stinkfist” Miranda missed the band’s entire set after a brief display of martial arts resulted in him getting a pair of nunchucks tangled up in his ponytail, confirmed sources at last night’s Tool concert who also verified that it was by far the best part of the show.

“I can’t believe this shit!” bemoaned an angry Miranda. “They opened with ‘Hooker with a Penis’ and I was so pumped that I attempted some expert-level freestyle nunchaku during the breakdown. Next thing you know, it’s three hours later and I’m just getting the last knot undone as the encore wraps up. If you ask me, they owe me a refund because this wouldn’t have been a problem if security hadn’t made me leave my katana at the coat check.”

Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan witnessed Miranda’s plight from the stage and commented on it after the concert.

“Honestly, this happens all the time,” sighed Keenan as he sipped a fruit-forward cabernet while lashing himself a leather bullwhip. “We used to stop playing and get security over to help out every time these dudes would get their long, flowing Gen X man-locks knotted up, but it was making our sets even more interminable than they already are. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you’re coming to a Tool show, wear a fucking hairnet.”

Arthur Brown the stage manager at the Enterprise Center, which hosted last night’s Tool concert, led a crew of maintenance workers to pick up locks of hair that were ripped from heads.

“These Tool fans are a goddamn pain in the ass,” Brown noted after the event. “They dress like they’re going to a renaissance fair but they act like they’re at that rave from ‘The Matrix Reloaded.’ First, they all pregame in the parking lot drinking solo cups of mead, and then they try sneaking all sorts of crazy shit into the venue. You’d be amazed at what we confiscate from them. Well, needless to say, nunchucks are officially added to the list of items banned from Tool shows, along with Burmese pythons, vintage artillery cannons, and entire kegs of Mountain Dew Code Red.”

As of press time, Miranda was last seen in the pit at a Deftones show desperately trying to free his ponytail from his wallet chain.

Photo by Jana Miller.

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Inspiring: This 14 Year Old Bought A Pack Of Cigarettes By Believing In Himself

Posted on by Dan Rice

American educators obsess over keeping children on par with the rest of the world in science and math, but what good are those tools without the confidence and drive it takes to apply them?

All his life, Tommy Loomis dreamed of buying a pack of cigarettes and being cool like his older cousin Roy. There was just one problem: Tommy was 14 years old.

A long time ago the government passed a law that basically said, “Hey Tommy, you and your dream of cigarette ownership can go take a flying fuck at the moon.” Would Tommy let the adversity of some ageist law step in the way of his smoking, as it tragically had with so many of his peers and contemporaries? Absolutely not.

Armed with nothing but confidence, sunglasses and the faintest hint of a mustache, Tommy marched right up to the counter of his local corner store and said “Smokes.”

No one helped or encouraged this young boy. His parents didn’t believe in his dream. His teachers told him he should never smoke. His friends thought he was crazy, and would maybe even get arrested. Tommy knew that he had shown them all as soon as the cashier said, “What brand?”

The Hard Times managed to track down two key witnesses who offered us their first-hand perspective on Tommy’s personal triumph.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! I almost pissed myself when the cashier asked Tommy for ID, but Tommy didn’t even blink! He just lowered his shades a little and said ‘Dude, I’m 35.’ He said it like he thought the cashier was an idiot, and it worked! Tommy is the coolest kid at our school and I can’t wait to learn how to smoke so I can be cool like Tommy!”
– Bill Tukington, classmate of Tommy

“Sure, if you see a child purchasing cigarettes you’re supposed to intervene, but I was so floored and inspired by this young MAN’S confidence, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Some things are beyond the laws of man and that moment was one of them. That night I went home and made love to my wife for the first time in months. Every day I try to think about that boy buying those smokes and remind myself that we all have the power to make things better.
– Todd Burkmann, police officer

Thank you Tommy, for inspiring all of us to achieve our goals no matter what stands in our way. We’re sure that with your overflowing confidence and can-do attitude that one day you’ll be the first cigarette smoking child president of the United States!

Guy Masturbating Outside Adult Book Store Told To Take It Inside

Posted on by Chris Bowen

QUEBEC — Local scofflaw Donald Ross was seen spanking it outside of Fantasy World, which clearly has a designated area for that sort of thing as displayed on several prominently displayed billboards across the highway leading up to and away from it.

“I didn’t know that I was in front of a safe place to whack it. I assumed the traffic in town was light enough to pull over, and maybe it was safe to start poaching the egg right then and there, but I was clearly and quickly informed otherwise,” Ross explained. “It is nice to know there is a place guys like me can go to wank it in peace away from the scrutiny of our wives and shift managers, but they should be clearly marked. The windows were all darkened, and nothing was clearly marked saying they have those little booths in there.”

Alexandra Galbo was enjoying her lunch at a sushi shop across the street from the shop when she witnessed the act.

“I mean, this day in age, with as many vacant store buildings and crumbling infrastructure in this country, this guy had to drop everything and jerk it in front of my lunch spot? What a world we live in,” Galbo said. “He could have easily done what anyone else would have done and resisted the urge until he got inside a booth and paid his $.50/minute. I mean, there’s a back door entrance for that and everything. I really feel like people in this country just don’t have the same morals that they used to.”

Adult bookstore owner Rick O’Neal weighed in on the bizarre events of the day.

“It’s a slap in the face to someone like me to do it the new school way of using the internet, when I provide the public with such an array of VHS porn,” he stated. “Sure, there are some dodgy individuals lurking about, maybe the floors are a little sticky or whatever, but dammit, you just don’t get that same feeling of safety jerking off in your vehicle like you do in a nice, cozy booth such as the ones I provide to this community. A little self-awareness would have been nice.”

At press time, Ross was found pissing outside of a Port-O-Potty at a nearby construction site.

We Ranked Every Rocky Movie And Black Flag Album, But The Girl From Bumble Is Still Saying “Tell Me About Yourself” For Some Reason

Posted on by Dan Rice

Technology and social media makes it easier than ever to “connect” with people, but alas it would seem that conversation is a lost art yo. I recently matched with a woman I was interested in on Bumble and after she gave me some basic information (age, family background, political views, goals, general philosophy towards life), I decided to open up. I decided to skip all the petty bullshit and get to the meat: my personal ranking of all 8 Rocky movies.

Her Reply: “So tell me about yourself.”

Is she a bot? Is this what catfishing is? What the hell does she mean “tell me about yourself?” I already told you: Rocky 2, Rocky, Creed, Rocky 4, Rocky 3, Creed 2, Rocky Balboa, Rocky 5. Maybe try telling ME something! Pretty much all this girl has given me is pictures of her cat, her hopes and aspirations, and a story about saving her family from a fire when she was 9 that she says defines her. It’s called give-take lady, throw me something to keep the conversation moving!

I don’t even know her favorite Rocky movie! Frankly, if it is 5, then this isn’t something I want to pour my energies into pursuing anyway.

She did look really cute in her photos and we were both fans of pizza, so I decided to shoot my shot. If this girl wanted to get to know me, the real me, I was gonna lay it on her. I started ranking the Black Flag Albums.

There are decisions in that ranking I wouldn’t want to share with my own mother. Let’s just say “What The…” was embarrassingly high. I didn’t care. I wanted her to know. I ranked and I ranked, and I even wound up discovering things about myself. I appreciate Mike Vallely, I can admit that now. I was actually proud of myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I let myself open up like that for anyone.

What do I get for my efforts? “Wow, you really like the blackflag, lol, tell me about yourself.”

I hope she isn’t this cold and distant with her grandmother with cancer she visits twice a week, because she basically just “lol’d” at my soul in text form. Xtina, if you’re reading this, do yourself a favor: Stop working so hard trying to fulfill your lifelong dream of opening a coffee chain that raises money to help elephants and let somebody in!

How To Look Punk Even Though You Wake Up at Decent Hour Every Day and Treat Your Body With Respect

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

So the long nights of partying, getting wasted, and 2 am Taco Bell have taken a toll on your aging, squishy body. You figured it’s time to commit to a reasonable sleep routine and to take care of what’s left of your worn and tattered flesh prison. Unfortunately, health and hygiene are undeniably not punk and, as we all know, being seen as punk is a very important part of being well into your 30s. Well don’t worry, we’ve put together a guide to help you maintain that punk cred even though you now have the diet and sleep schedule of everyone you’ve ever hated.

Peacocking has become more difficult since your thinning hair left your trihawk without a middle section, so it’s time to accessorize your look. Bandanas, buttons, battle jackets, butt flaps; the more the better. Real punks, like those with parents who provide financial stability, wear more accessories than they can remember to take off at the end of a long day of punking.

Another tip to maintain punk cred while making plans to live past 40 is to embrace DIY. Not in the sense that you’re going to “do it yourself” in regards to home projects and creative endeavors. For the love of God don’t do that. We just mean the “DIY” aestetic. Seriously, you can just slap these three letters on basically anything to instantly invoke scene credibility.

Hell, the term “DIY” has been co-opted by oblivious non-punk middle-aged mommy bloggers, even if actual punks don’t buy your bullshit, you can at least feel cool in front of them. And feeling cool, after all, that’s what this is really about.

Toxic Couple Staying Together for the Unprotected Sex

Posted on by Matt McInerney

INDIANAPOLIS — Local couple Darren Ganon and Sally Bouchard-Sanchez announced they will continue pursuing their toxic relationship in order to maintain a steady diet of unprotected sex, confirmed sources trying to avoid the couple entirely.

“We do have our screaming fights that usually end with some mild to severe property damage. And yeah, maybe I have had to lie about almost everything just to get by, but do you know how much work it takes to get to this place in a relationship? It’s nearly impossible to convince women that I’m allergic to latex and Sally never questioned it,” said Ganon while sending sexual texts to multiple ex-girlfriends. “We may not be great together but we’ve got something going for us. Some of my friends worry that she might set my car on fire again, but I don’t worry about that anymore because the judge said she will go to jail for six months this time.”

Bouchard-Sanchez had her own selfish and upsetting reasons for staying.

“I feel like I do all of the work. I’m always the only one who compromises, but I can also remember having to sit down with boyfriends and have ‘the talk.’ You know the one: explaining all of the diseases you have. I just can’t do that again,” said Bouchard-Sanchez, cringing as she imagined it. “Darren and I just have so much in common: Herpes, HPV, Hepatitis, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea. He’s not the perfect boyfriend, but it’s not like I can find someone with the exact same list of diseases. Not in this day and age.”

Emberly Walsh, a psychologist and relationship expert, weighed in to explain this phenomenon.

“People stay in toxic relationships for a lot of reasons: low self-esteem, intermittent reinforcement, fear of loneliness,” Walsh said, pushing a pair of blacked-rimmed glasses back into place. “This sounds somewhat unique though. I can’t say I’ve heard of this exactly… Maybe we can call this a bias towards ‘investment?’ There certainly is some low self-esteem going on. Honestly though, I know this will sound a bit unprofessional, but I think they may both just be garbage-people who deserve each other.”

At press time, Ganon was seen heading toward that Tex-Mex grill he hates so he could steal some more hot sauce packets.

6 Cats That Think They’re Fucking Better Than Me (And 4 That Are)

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Cats. They think they’re so fucking above it all, with their fur and their tails and their crepuscular-ass lifestyle. But you know what? They’re not. And to prove it, here is a list of six feline fools who seem to think they’re better than me, and aren’t by a goddamn mile.

And also four that are, because these specific cats (but not all!) are pretty amazing and I’m sort of a fuck up.

I have absolutely nothing to prove to most of these cats.

Condo Cat: This calico motherfucker thinks he’s the shit. I see him every day when I walk to work, gazing down at me from the third-story window of a condominium. Even from my vantage point, I can see the condescension on his piebald little face. If you’re so great, why don’t your people own a free-standing structure? And just because I regularly slip in the mud outside your condo and fall down while schoolchildren laugh at me, that doesn’t make you better than me.

Alan: Alan belongs to my friend Alan, and don’t the two of them think it’s hilarious they have the same name. Newsflash, Alan the cat and Alan the human: sometimes people and animals are named the same thing! It’s not unique! And if you think excluding me from your private little joke makes me feel inferior, you’re dead wrong, Alans.

Christian Dior: Okay, I will concede that Christian Dior, the bodega cat around the corner from my studio, is just objectively better than me. That little dude watches over AZ Grocery & Sandwich day and night, and good luck trying to shoplift a 100 Grand Bar without him hissing to narc you out. That’s a dedication to a job I could never match. Plus, he can break a rat’s neck in one try, and it takes me like four.

Fluffy Fluff Fluff: Ya ain’t that fluffy, motherfucker. You have a fluffy tail, at best. Your paws? No fluff. Your primordial pouch of a belly? No fluff. If the humidity is bad, I have way, way fluffier hair than that cat anyday. Game, set, match. Bitch.

Loki: For a cat named after the Norse god of mischief, my neighbor’s cat Loki is pretty damn easy to fool. I was house-sitting for a weekend, and half the time, Loki seemed surprised to see me. HELLO, Loki! You saw me ten minutes ago, making fluffernutters in the kitchen. I already told you I would be here till Monday.

Pukey: I’ll grant you, you would not think a lot of a cat named Pukey. But that little guy is a marvel. His fur is glossy as fucky, and he can fall asleep, like anywhere. It takes me a nightly melatonin and a $1200 white noise machine and I can still barely sleep a wink. I got to give the win to Pukey on this one.

The Dauphin: This cat is the true heir to the throne of France. Pretty clear he’s better than me.

Jimmy Dean: Not only is this domestic short hair not better than me, he’s not even better than a Jimmy Dean Pork Sausage Roll. Frankly those things are a great value, and better than the two of us combined.

Everlong: One of the more overrated Foo Fighters songs, and one of the more overrated cats.

Artorio: What can I say about Artorio that has not already been said? He is grace. He is style. His purrs are such things dreams are made of, and the sheer depth of personality you can see in his glorious green eyes outweighs any human I’ve ever met. I thank God every day that I have met Artorio, and gladly acknowledge him as my superior.

All hail Artorio!

Local Venue ‘Stage’ Defined by Painter’s Tape

Posted on by Matt McInerney

GREENFIELD, Mass. — Local venue ‘owner’ Preston Landers is reportedly ‘stoked’ to show off his new space, especially the bespoke ‘stage’ he fashioned himself out of standard blue painters tape, sources confirmed.

“Let me show you around! First, check out the tent by that big green dumpster there. I call it ‘the green room,’ that’s for VIPs,” said Landers while scaring off a family of raccoons using the tent for shelter. “And there’s my stage! I used some of the best painter’s tape in the business so it should really hold up. It’s not Scotch, but the guy at the hardware store said it’s just as good. Oh and check out my sound system! My dad didn’t want these old computer speakers, so I strung together a few dozen adapters, ran it through my mixer, and now it makes noise. Don’t worry, it won’t catch on fire as long as it’s unplugged.”

Touring grindcore band, Face Ruiner, were less enthusiastic as they stepped into the venue for the first time.

“What a nightmare! We drove for nine hours to get here, then walked into this shithole. I was already unsettled when I noticed the only surge protector’s cord running under the door. Then, we saw the ‘mic stand’ was just a ski pole with a megaphone taped to it. Even the food he promised us had bite marks in it,” said Damon Bobby, one of the band’s two vocalists. “On top of that, we found out he’d added eight shitty local bands to open for us. Doors were at 8 p.m., so by my math, we wouldn’t start playing until tomorrow. Luckily we managed to talk several bands into ‘headlining’ so we could leave early.”

Don Staffer, a promoter and consultant for venues across the country, was not surprised to hear any of this.

“Building a great performance space takes time and experience, but that’s lost on these idiots,” said Staffer. “You should see some of the clown shows I’ve walked into. In Philly, I saw a guy use the cones he was saving his parking space with to outline a makeshift stage. In Atlanta, some asshole had lined up six plastic folding tables he called ‘risers.’ In Birmingham, I remember the booker just pointing at a rancid grease stain on the floor. I’d never seen a stage you had to find by smell before.”

At press time, Landers was seen chastizing members of the opening band Donkey Bong for setting up across the room in a taped-off area meant to be used as a unisex bathroom.

Late Bloomer Finally Gets Nautical Star Tattoos

Posted on by Shaina Joyce

PITTSBURGH — Self-proclaimed “scene kid” and 38-year-old woman Kaitlyn Holden adorned her body with two nautical star tattoos twenty years too late, according to sources who spotted her purchasing her first studded belt from Spencer’s Gifts.

“I haven’t been sure what to get, but I knew I wanted to get something tattooed and just had to decide already. I really wanted something meaningful so I went with the nautical stars,” Holden said, smearing Aquaphor on the fresh tattoo. “You see, these are what guided sailors home, and I’m kind of like a sailor, just trying to navigate my way through life. That’s why they mean so much to me. I almost got the cherry blossoms for the same reason, but pink makes me look kind of washed out, so it just wasn’t meant to be.”

Local tattoo artist “Rad” Brad Naholnik, recognized the ubiquitous design from the website “101 Coolest Nautical Star Tattoo Designs,” from which Holden took a screenshot and texted to him along with her deposit.

“I had to Google if it was okay to tattoo nautical stars on a person that wasn’t a sailor. Cancel culture is so insane now, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t offending any real sailors,” he explained “I figured she would want something a little more feminine, like a dandelion turning into butterflies, but she opted for the nautical stars. At first I thought maybe she was getting them because Tila Tequila has the same ones, considering her age, but the placement was off.”

Those close to Holden are happy she has found an image choice that makes her happy, despite the enormous levels of embarrassment felt on her behalf.

“She’s talking about getting her eyebrow pierced next, I’m hoping it’s just a phase but she has maxed out her 401k the last two years so I feel like any choices at this point are gonna stick pretty well,” Holden’s mom, Kathy, shared her concern about the new tattoo. “Kaitlyn’s father and I don’t mind her getting tattoos, we’re just worried about the image choices. I mean, a nautical star? She’s always been a late bloomer, but this is getting embarrassing.”

When asked about getting more ink, Holden said she was already thinking about adding on “maybe some lyrics, I really like that one song ‘Cute Without the E’, so that would be cool.”