American Police Donate Water, Tear Gas to Russian Law Enforcement Pummeling Protesters

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Police precincts across the country are joining forces to send supplies of water, body armor, and tear gas to help Russian cops in their battle against people peacefully protesting war in Ukraine, multiple sources with Punisher logos on their uniforms confirmed.

“I was seeing some of the footage coming from Russia and it was making me sick,” said Craig Lally, the leader of the Los Angeles police union. “These brave officers are going into battle wearing body armor from 2019. There is much better equipment on the market these days and they need to be fully equipped if they want to take down every college student or senior citizen standing still and holding a cardboard sign. If I could still get a passport I’d be there in Moscow with them I would book a ticket right now.”

Russian police officers were stunned by the outpouring of generosity from their American counterparts.

“These demonstrations have been exhausting for everyone on the force. We tried to explain to the protesters that there was no war and that Ukrainians want to be bombed,” said special operations officer Sergei Popov through an interpreter. “When they didn’t listen we had no choice, we had to start clubbing them in the knees with our batons and firing live rounds into the air to scare them off. We started running out of handcuffs and zip ties after these first three days but then we got a very generous shipment from America that even had a signed photo from Steven Seagal.”

Some Republican voters are still coming to terms with the right’s changing views of Putin, but their love of law enforcement.

“I just want to make sure all those Russian cops are safe out there enforcing the law. If the protesters don’t want to be beaten senseless then they should just stay home,” said Bakersfield, California resident Ernie Leprey. “Russia was one of the only countries that supported President Trump and I want to make sure I support all the hard-working politicians and police officers that make Russia so great. I looked into moving there when Sleepy Joe stole the election but I was stonewalled by the corrupt Democrats that run California. No surprise there.”

With nearly 15,000 protesters having already been arrested, Russian leaders are now attempting to reach out to American politicians to get advice on how to keep so many people behind bars.

We Sat Down With A Godsmack Fan Because We Accidentally Wandered Into The ROTC Office

Posted on by John Danek

College rules. That’s why people wear shirts that just say COLLEGE on them. You can do whatever you want. For example, instead of using the money my mom sent for a winter jacket, I bought a liquid jacket in the form of a Jagermeister handle. This all seemed like a good idea until we got a little too tipsy on a Friday afternoon and accidentally walked into the ROTC office in the student union while looking for the bathroom.

Here is a chat with the diehard Godsmack fan we found blasting “I Stand Alone” inside.

THE HARD TIMES: Oh, woah, sorry. Thought this was the bathroom.
GODSMACK FAN: No worries! Actually, we have a bathroom here. Why don’t you come on in?

No thanks. Didn’t mean to disturb you.
Woah! What a coincidence. Disturbed is probably my second favorite band of all time, after Godsmack of course. Ok, if you had to choose, which is better: Faceless, or the self-titled album?

I’m gonna be honest, nu-metal isn’t really my fav-
I haven’t seen the Smack live since before COVID. Freakin’ bullcrap. But I have tickets to see them at 102.9 The Hog Fest. Three Days Grace is playing too! Do you want to play Call of Duty?

I’m more of a Stardew Val-
Great, pick up the sticks right there. We’re playing team deathmatch online. Just curious, how are you planning on paying for college?

My mom is helping a bit. And I have some loans. I don’t know the controls for Call of Duty.
You’ll get the hang of it. Just get a killstreak and call in the gunship. What if I told you there was an easy way to pay for college and see the world? And arguably the best part is that literally everyone loves Godsmack too. You’ll hear it in the barracks, during training, in vehicles. It literally never gets old.

I’m planning on just joining my dad’s law firm.
Okay sure, but what if Keith David told you all that stuff, over a Godsmack banger of course.

That would be more compelling, dude has a cool ass voice, but again, I’m all set.
Well if you need any more incentive, you get more free camo than you can possibly imagine. Clothes, backpacks, everything.
Oh, shit. That’s actually tight… damn, sign me up.

“She’s The Nancy to My Sid,” Says Bassist Who, Hopefully, Has No Idea What He Is Talking About

Posted on by Alexandra Johnson

PHOENIX, Ariz. — Local bassist and film studies drop-out Will Levey reportedly refers to his new love interest, Allison Alonzo, as “the Nancy to my Sid,” sources who hope he’s not exactly sure what a phrase like that might mean, confirmed.

“Every star needs his muse that is totally and unabashedly defined by his existence. Our aesthetic as a couple will define my music for a lifetime,” explained Levey. “John had Yoko. Tommy Lee had Pamela Anderson. When I saw her at my band Boot Dirt’s basement house show last week, I knew that she was, like, the Ramona Flowers to my Scott Pilgrim. We fight and scream and yell with a passion that only musicians and their girlfriends could understand. That’s how I know she’s the one this year.”

Alonzo is reportedly flattered by the comparison, and aims to finish watching the film that inspired the comparison “pretty soon.”

“‘Sid and Nancy’ is a cult classic. I think cult classic movies have the most accurate portrayal of healthy, loving, and successful relationships,” she explained. “When Jason Dean from Heathers said their love was god when he killed those kids? Or when Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles trades his unconscious girlfriend for a pair of Sam’s underwear? I’m so lucky to have watched and romanticized these films at such a young and impressionable age. I bet the ending of Sid and Nancy embodies that.”

Some of the new couple’s friends are hesitant to accept the foundation that Levey and Alonzo have built their love upon.

“Honestly, I am worried Will and Allison have blurred the line between what they think are fictional characters and real people while chasing a joint aesthetic,” announced mutual friend Lana Wood. “I’m not confident that either of them actually knows who Sid and Nancy were or how that whole thing played out, or that that movie is based on a true story. It hurts me to see people glorify drug use and inappropriate behavior with a paramour. I can only approve of the toxic relationships I get in, not other people’s. It’s called being a good friend.”

At press time, the couple had broken up for the eighth time.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

“She’s The Nancy to My Sid,” Says Bassist Who, Hopefully, Has No Idea What He Is Talking About

Posted on by Alexandra Johnson

PHOENIX, Ariz. — Local bassist and film studies drop-out Will Levey reportedly refers to his new love interest, Allison Alonzo, as “the Nancy to my Sid,” sources who hope he’s not exactly sure what a phrase like that might mean, confirmed.

“Every star needs his muse that is totally and unabashedly defined by his existence. Our aesthetic as a couple will define my music for a lifetime,” explained Levey. “John had Yoko. Tommy Lee had Pamela Anderson. When I saw her at my band Boot Dirt’s basement house show last week, I knew that she was, like, the Ramona Flowers to my Scott Pilgrim. We fight and scream and yell with a passion that only musicians and their girlfriends could understand. That’s how I know she’s the one this year.”

Alonzo is reportedly flattered by the comparison, and aims to finish watching the film that inspired the comparison “pretty soon.”

“‘Sid and Nancy’ is a cult classic. I think cult classic movies have the most accurate portrayal of healthy, loving, and successful relationships,” she explained. “When Jason Dean from Heathers said their love was god when he killed those kids? Or when Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles trades his unconscious girlfriend for a pair of Sam’s underwear? I’m so lucky to have watched and romanticized these films at such a young and impressionable age. I bet the ending of Sid and Nancy embodies that.”

Some of the new couple’s friends are hesitant to accept the foundation that Levey and Alonzo have built their love upon.

“Honestly, I am worried Will and Allison have blurred the line between what they think are fictional characters and real people while chasing a joint aesthetic,” announced mutual friend Lana Wood. “I’m not confident that either of them actually knows who Sid and Nancy were or how that whole thing played out, or that that movie is based on a true story. It hurts me to see people glorify drug use and inappropriate behavior with a paramour. I can only approve of the toxic relationships I get in, not other people’s. It’s called being a good friend.”

At press time, the couple had broken up for the eighth time.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Review: Cannibal Corpse “Eaten Back to Life”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Eaten Back to Life,” the 1990 debut from death metal pioneers Cannibal Corpse.

Everyone remembers exactly where they were the moment they experienced a Cannibal Corpse album cover for the first time. This is commonly referred to as death metal 9/11. My initiation was no different.

There I was flipping through the Candlebox section at Tower Records as I did every week hoping to find a Japanese import of their self-titled album (don’t even act like “Far Behind” doesn’t still rip) when all of the sudden the Candlebox vinyl I was carefully perusing unexpectedly switched over to the Cannibal Corpse inventory without warning. The divider that typically separates each band’s records was curiously missing. Alphabetically speaking, very serendipitous.

That’s when I laid my eyes on the Corpse’s very first release titled “Eaten Back to Life.” It immediately struck me that this was not your everyday cover depicting the undead feasting on its own rotting intestines with blood and guts spilling over its relatively intact jeans. No. It was so much more.

I mean, for the first time in my life I had forgotten why I had even stepped foot into Tower Records in the first place before eventually remembering I was there to complete my collection of rare Candlebox records. But I couldn’t look away from that Cannibal Corpse cover. Candlebox just never put in this level of effort on their album art. The best they gave us was a somewhat blurry photo of them surrounded by an assortment of chrysanthemums.

I just had to know if the tracklist lived up to the artwork, so I flipped “Eaten Back to Life” to the back and let me tell you I was not disappointed. From “Edible Autopsy” to “Rotting Head” to the other nine brutally named tunes, you’ve got to admit that Candlebox did not have a brand this succinct.

I bought a copy of “Eaten Back to Life” without ever hearing it before. The sound of the record immediately seemed off. I thought maybe the rpm on my record player was set to the wrong speed because they were playing too fast and the vocals were muffled. Turns out that’s just Cannibal Corpse being Cannibal Corpse.

But anyway, what I heard was some pretty evil and downright satanic material, so I went to my backyard, whipped out the lighter fluid, and set fire to my Candlebox collection. I didn’t need them anymore. I had found my new Candlebox.

Score: Five out of five maggot-filled skulls.

/**/

Nickelodeon Executives Still Use Old Legends of the Hidden Temple Set for Ritual Sacrifices

Posted on by David Arriaga

ORLANDO, Fla. — An alarming new report revealed that Nickelodeon executives have been using the set of ‘90s game show “Legends of The Hidden Temple” for ritual sacrifices designed to appease the gods of children’s entertainment.

“Back when the show was airing, we always had a seventh sacrificial team of kids that we edited out of the final show. This would set us up for a strong ratings ‘harvest.’ Plus, we could feed the scraps to Olmec. So it was a win-win,” said David Bittler Sr. VP at Nickelodeon. “These days Nick murders interns. We pick a random corporate buzzword and the first one to say it gets dragged to the altar by the temple guards. This week’s phrase is “at the end of the day.’”

Considering the traumatic events, very few of “The Legend of The Hidden Temple” contestants actually remember being on the show.

“The whole thing was a blur. First, They locked us in a waiting room for hours with the temple guards. They would chant something about sacrifice for the greater good and honorable death,” claimed former contestant Ely Kreimendahl. “Then during the game, as I slid the head onto the silver monkey idol I swear I could hear screaming and saw blood dripping out of Olmec’s eyes. Finally, I remembered one of the temple guards grabbing my shoulder before relinquishing and saying ‘this is not the one’ before offering me a gift certificate for a free pair of British Knights sneakers.”

Mike Lazzo, former Executive VP of Adult Swim explained that this is a common practice in the TV industry.

“I know how it might sound, but it’s pretty standard to boost ratings with a ritual blood sacrifice,” said Lazzo. “Unless you’ve been in the live audience for ‘Price is Right’ you’d have never heard the sound of a losing contestant’s bones being crushed into dust by the big wheel. Over at Adult Swim, we practice a more ethical ego death by force-feeding all the unpaid staff members a potent cocktail of psychedelic mushrooms, LSD, and Ayahuasca.”

In related news, Orlando police officers were horrified recently upon discovering over 46 malnourished former contestants of ‘Nick Arcade’ that had been trapped inside a video game cabinet for the past 30 years.

Oh You’re My Ex? Name Three Imagined Arguments I’ve Won In My Head Since Our Totally Mutual Breakup

Posted on by James Knapp

Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. So you’re my ex, huh? You’re the person I’ve been obsessively constructing imagined conversations with where I regularly and soundly eviscerate the position I’ve made you take knowing that it’s flawed and not something you would have ever said in real life. Can you even name three times I delivered the perfect comeback while you just stand reflecting on what a mistake you made leaving me?

Of course you can’t! It’s ridiculous that you would even claim that you’re my ex and that you’re only talking to me now because “you’re worried for my mental health.” Well, that’s not what you said the other day when I imagined that I successfully convinced you that I’m the best thing that ever happened to you and all your friends are just out to get me. And that’s not even a deep cut, you’re pathetic.

Sure, you claim I’ve been leaving you non-stop voicemails and occasionally mailing dead cats to your sister’s house, but if you were really my ex then you’d know that our breakup was totally mutual and also that I am hot and good at sex. Also, the cats weren’t dead when I put them in the mail so tell Beth she can blame the post office for that one.

Like do you even know how stupid you sound? You actually tell me that you’re my ex but then can’t name one time I’ve destroyed your argument that I’m “acting irrationally” and instead made you understand that selling all of your grandmother’s jewelry to invest in NFTs was the smartest thing I’ve ever done.

And yes, I do see that you have a box full of shirts that I left at your place with you, but just cause you’ve got some merch doesn’t prove that we were ever in a relationship. And I’m sure I’ll be able to convince you of that as well — I just need a few days to think about it from every angle first, manipulate every aspect and construct a straw man position for you which I can easily tear apart.

Insomniac Stoked to Have One Less Hour of No Sleep

Posted on by Amanda Russel

NEW YORK — Local insomniac Mike Robinson is celebrating the annual Daylight Savings tradition because he will have one less hour in the day to suffer through while trying desperately to fall asleep, confirmed sources close to the man who hasn’t had a decent nights rest in over a year.

“I’m gonna have so much more energy until November, or at least the next two days until my body gets used to the switch,” said the bleary-eyed Robinson. “This couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m running out of things to do at night. I’ve watched almost everything on Netflix. Every single show, including the Canadian shows that absolutely nobody has heard of or wants to watch. I get pretty good at killing time every year but by the time spring forward rolls around I’m getting pretty fuckin’ bored. What happens after I run out of TV to watch and video games to play? I’ve beaten all my games more than five times each. This is a welcome relief. I wish we could lose another hour next week.”

Robinson’s roommate Theo Lowry could not be more stoked on Robinson’s behalf.

“This is exactly what Mike needs right now. I’m hoping this can break the cycle and give both of us some relief,” said Lowry while lighting some candles in hopes it will relax his friend. “He’s not even a considerate insomniac. He’s up all night banging around the house, playing guitar, cooking, watching TV, and laughing super loud at episodes of ‘Peep Show’ like he’s the first guy to know about it. Sometimes he has people over. He threw a full-ass party one time at three in the morning. I’m getting sick of it, to be honest, I don’t know how much longer I can stand living with him. You would think he would get headphones by now, but no.”

Dr. Janet Angoure, a sleep specialist, explained that this is the time of year when insomniacs are absolutely living their best lives.

“With that one less hour of no sleep insomniacs are going to see themselves blossom into fully functioning members of society. They can expect to be more alert, more ready to take on life’s ups and downs while everyone else is bitching about their mild headache,” said Dr. Angoure. “If you notice more people coming out of their houses bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and able to contribute to society, you can thank the yearly spring forward.”

At press time, a fully refreshed Robinson was planning on returning to his job as a crane operator in downtown Manhattan.

12 Weird Accidents That Made Classic Films

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Hollywood is a dream machine, but dreams take a lot of work. A shocking number of iconic cinematic works have only happened because some weird accident forced filmmakers to adapt. But the soul of artistry is improvisation, which is how these movies became classics.

Jaws: Al Pacino Sprains His Ankle

In 1975, Al Pacino was building some serious career heat. After the double-whammy of “Godfather” and “Godfather Part II,” he was cast as the lead of a film from an up and coming director named Steven Spielberg. But an ankle injury while chasing a rabbit on set forced them to recast, and the title role in “Jaws” ended up going to a mechanical shark named Bruce. History made!

Trainspotting: The Discovery of Opium in 3400 BCE

Way back in the third millennium BCE, an Egyptian farmer named Iry-Hor accidentally scorched some oozing resin from one of the poppy plants he cultivated and got super high. Thousands of years later, boom! Danny Boyle’s heroin chic flick “Trainspotting” is a hit.

Teen Wolf: Michael J. Fox Got Bit

Here’s a wild one: on the set of 1985’s “Teen Wolf,” star Michael J. Fox actually got bit and transformed into a monstrous creature! To be fair, he was bit by a radioactive spider and empowered with the proportional strength of an arachnid, rather than a wolf. The abilities he gained powered him through the grueling shooting schedules of both “Teen Wolf” and “Family Ties,” and helped defeat The Kingpin.

Ascenseur pour l’échafaud: The Cast Thought They Were Supposed to Speak French

This 1963 crime thriller, also known as “Elevator to the Gallows,” was set to begin filming when a script supervisor realized that the cast had accidentally been given French versions of the script. Despite Jeanne Moreau and Maurice Ronet only being able to deliver dialogue phonetically, everyone rolled with it. A New Wave classic was born!

A Better Tomorrow: Chow Yun-Fat Sets His Allowance on Fire

Hong Kong director John Woo was in the habit of keeping one camera rolling at all times on set, and good thing! Otherwise, he never would have caught the moment star Chow Yun-Fat accidentally got his weekly allowance from his parents too close to a lit candle. The following moments of Yun-Fat frantically stamping out the flames and bemoaning that he didn’t get his next allowance till Monday was cut, although it can be found in the 2003 DVD Deleted Scenes.

Casablanca: Some Nazis Wandered on Set

Perhaps the greatest romance in all of cinema, Casablanca was filmed while World War II was still ongoing. So when some Nazi officers wandered onto set while looking for state secrets, director Michael Curtiz simply incorporated them into the plot. Guerilla filmmaking at its finest.

The Matrix: The Wachowskis Got Too Close to The Truth

Remember, it’s a fictional movie. Whatever the Wachowskis stumbled across while filming, it’s just a movie. Watch passively and conserve your energy.

The Godfather: Marlon Brando Showed Up to Set Relatively Prepared

Francis Ford Coppola knew Marlon Brando’s chaotic reputation before filming and was prepared for anything. But nothing could have prepared the crew of “The Godfather” for Brando showing up in shape, cheerfully sitting in the makeup chair and knowing a lot of his lines! That’s the kind of happy accident that makes a classic.

Reservoir Dogs: Missing Dogs

Quentin Tarantino loves telling stories, especially the one about how the original cast of “Reservoir Dogs” got loose while lighting was being set. After Los Angeles County Animal Control demanded feature player roles for their dogcatchers, the resourceful first-time director simply cast Steve Buscemi, Harvey Keitel and a Doberman named Mr. Blonde. The perfect cast.

The Piano: Harvey Keitel Kept Losing His Pants

And speaking of Keitel! Jane Campion’s period drama “The Piano” won three Oscars in 1994, but what critics didn’t know was that much of the erotic tension of the film was written on the fly after Keitel couldn’t seem to hang on to his pants for more than 90 minutes at a time. The movie was originally about a talking piano who saves Christmas.

Raiders of the Lost Ark: They Lost the Ark

Whoops! Apparently, George Lucas absent-mindedly parked his Toyota over the Ark and it wasn’t discovered until shooting was nearly over. By that time, Spielberg had utilized his technique of “not showing the shark or the ark” to build tension. Also, it’s a better title than the original Indiana Jones and the Ark That’s Right Over There.

Lawrence of Arabia: Casting of Peter O’Toole

In one of the biggest snafus in casting history, some doofus accidentally cast Peter O’Toole to be out in the desert! That guy got hella sunburnt, but it also cemented the storyline of the white savior in Hollywood imagination. Classic!

Rising Inflation Causes Average Porn Star to Have Sex Four or Five Times to Pay for Pizza

Posted on by Camden Brazile

SAN FERNANDO, Calif. — A new report from the Federal Reserve Bank of Los Angeles showed that unprecedented inflation is forcing adult entertainers to have quadruple the amount of sex to pay for one “special pizza with extra sausage.”

“This is becoming untenable. I’m exhausted from trying to put food on the table,” said adult film star Angela Flowers. “I always try to bring realism to my characters, but now I find myself having to have intercourse upwards of six times to cover the cost of a measly extra-large meat lover’s pizza. I remember when I was a child, my grandfather telling stories about how in the ‘70s inflation was so bad that you needed to throw in a hand job to afford an medium pie and I never believed him. Now I know where he was coming from, and I wish things were that easy. I don’t know what will happen if the price of lube goes up.”

Porn producers have also felt the damage inflation has caused to their industry.

“It’s not just pizza men who are suffering from this,” said XXXFlix owner Michael Brankowitz. “One round of intercourse won’t even cover one trip for a milkman now, let alone something high price like a plumber. It’s really changed the characterization of today’s horny MILFs forever. The rising price of oil has made Taxi drivers go at it for hours before paying off their toll, and don’t even get me started on naughty therapists after how poorly insured the average American is these days.”

Economist David Edyth weighed in on the global ramifications of the price hikes.

“Our country’s porn stars are experiencing an economic downturn since The Great Depression when porn actors would have sex all day to pay for a shoeshine,” said Edyth. “It’s possible if these trends continue our nation could experience a drought in porno production and the results of that could be disastrous. Most adult men are barely-functioning meat sacks of pure rage and pornography is often their only outlet. If that is taken away then we will see much more aggression and it could accelerate tensions in Eastern Europe.”

At press time, industry experts warned that this growing inflation bubble was in danger of busting all over the face of Americans at any time.