“Careful Out There, It’s Amateur Night!” Says Man About To Break Own Neck During Keg Stand

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local man Jerrod Wader was seen advising caution to a group of friends leaving his home during a St. Patrick’s Day party just hours before severely injuring himself in an alcohol-related incident, sources report.

“Aw yeah. It’s a nightmare out there on these drinking holidays. Especially when you have all these college kids out who can barely hold their booze,” explained Wader as a friend taped a 40 oz. of Olde English 800 to each of his hands. “Honestly, I don’t even know what’s so special about St. Patrick’s Day. I pound about a 30 pack a day before, during, and after work, so I’m basically a pro at this point, not like these baby amateurs who only come out to drink ‘to have a good time.’ What a bunch of assholes.”

A friend of Wader’s, Greg Barry, expressed gratitude for having a safe place to enjoy the holiday.

“Duuuuuuuuuude! Jerrod’s the best, man. I’m so pumped that I get to be here instead of bar crawling with all those fuckin’ newbs,” said Barry, “I can chug an entire pint of whiskey and not even have worry about drunking my car drive. Can you believe these kids just risking it all for some overpriced green beer?”

“Is just sad an I can’t eben imagine how bad…” he added, before wandering into a nearby closet.

Long time neighbor, Cecilia Dawkins, lamented the nuisance caused by Wader’s seemingly non-stop partying.

“Alcohol poisoning, fights, lacerations from failed attempts at Edward Fortyhands, ‘Tubthumping’ playing at ear-splitting volumes… I’ve seen and heard it all,” sighed a visibly exhausted Dawkins. “Last week I almost tripped over a guy who passed out on my porch. It’s ridiculous and it’s only getting worse. At this point, I’m relieved it’s St. Patrick’s Day because at least maybe some of the water he sprays on college kids passing by will accidentally make it into his system.”

In a scene that was described as ‘epic’ by attendees of the party, Wader was being carried away in a neck brace on a stretcher.

Man Falls Down Five Flights Of Stairs Without Spilling Beer

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

SAN FRANCISCO — Local bar fly Brock Cooper accomplished the impossible after he tumbled down five full flights of stairs without spilling a single drop of the beer in his hand, multiple tipsy to trashed witnesses confirmed.

“We responded to a 911 call at The Red Clam and when we showed up there was a concussed man on the floor holding his beer in the air like a fucking champ. Dude was out cold, but he didn’t let a drop hit the floor,” said EMT Amani Goldmann. “We put him on the gurney, and I swear, he was still balancing the beer and keeping it level even though he was entirely unconscious. If I’m not mistaken, the hospital emergency room nurses even had to x-ray his body with the beer still in his hand. This guy is a legend.”

Ryan Marcus, a Clam regular, was still in awe at the incredible spectacle of a man eating shit with the nimbleness of a thousand baby lambs.

“I mean, I understand falling down one or two flights of stairs but, five? Incredible! I just assumed he would have figured out a way to slow down or stop or something,” said Marcus while standing by the staircase and noticing how dry it still was. “I was at the bottom of the stairwell having a cigarette and I heard his head hit the stairs like 12 times. It is a sound that will haunt me for years. I’d say he was falling for a total of at least two minutes straight and his beer seemed to be floating, steady as a sniper’s scope. I honestly kinda got bored watching after the third flight. Oh, I mean, it was undeniably incredible though.”

A bedridden Brock Cooper in a full-body cast commented on the extravagant display of grace and emphatically denied any allusion to negativity.

“Yeah, I broke my pelvis, both arms and legs, four fingers, eight ribs, two vertebrae, my nose, half my face, and had to have my spleen partially removed, but fuck if I’m wasting a beer or getting my new jacket wet,” Cooper stated between sips of a beer from a straw. “The Guinness Book of World Records was vehemently uninterested in identifying this as a world record, but I’m having trouble finding any evidence that suggests I didn’t hit that mark.”

At press time, Cooper was observed riding a hospital bed down a hill aimed at the window of a nearby pub.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Western Leaders Worry About Putin’s Mental State After Speech Explaining That Real Emo Refers to Emotional Hardcore That Came From the DC Area Scene

Posted on by Andrew Murphy

LANGLEY, Va. — American intelligence analysts are increasingly fearful that Putin’s mental situation is worsening after a statement to Russian state media about what constitutes “real emo,” confirmed multiple officials who found themselves agreeing with the despot.

“Bands like My Chemical Romance are not emo,” said Putin during a four-hour-long speech where he went over a full emo timeline and never once mentioned the war in Ukraine. “They display none of the experimental song structures and unguarded emotionalism of bands like Rites of Spring and Embrace. The influence of social media like Myspace bastardized a sound heavily influenced by legitimate mid-Western emo, and now we are left with garbage that is not suitable for human consumption. Western Imperialist Mall Emo must be stopped.”

The CIA frantically attempted to scrutinize the speech, hoping to find some detail as to Putin’s mental state and objectives in Ukraine.

“We have no idea why Putin is choosing to make this stand now. He’s sounding more and more like a 50-year-old Reddit user who is upset about the When We Were Young lineup,” said CIA Spokesman Walter Taylor. “Russia has been investing heavily in new tanks and cyber warfare, but he’s also been buying stuff like a first pressing copy of ‘Yank Crime’ by Drive Like Jehu and a rare Braid long sleeve. This is not the behavior of somebody who is doing well. If we don’t intervene we could see eBay and Discogs prices reach new levels.”

While Putin’s obsession with early emo comes as a surprise to many, gatekeeping the genre is not a new phenomena.

“Like Russia, the exact boundaries of emo have always been contentious. Both have erratic structures and rampant depression. Also, emo and Russia prospered in the early 2000s but were never taken seriously. Putin resents the wealth and success of the western powers who ignore and mock Russia, just like major labels rejected Gray Matter or Moss Icon,” said Micheal Kowalski, author of Shred My Diary: NAFTA, First Wave Emo and the Last Gasp of Pre-9/11 Post-Hardcore. “Also neither of them has any money.”

The CIA also believes that Russia’s social media propaganda wing might be behind a recent onslaught of social media clickbait blaming Hilary Clinton for Jawbreaker’s decision to sign with a major label.

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Plot Twist: This Woman With Die Antwoord Hair Is a Republican

Posted on by John Danek

You should never judge a book by its cover. That said, you should always judge a person by how they cover their head. Usually, a haircut tells you everything you need to know about a person. Do they have a mohawk? Then they are clearly into punk rock. Or they’re Native American. Or they’re Travis Bickle. Do they have a faux hawk? Then they work in finance and they love the movie “Out Cold.”

So when we were recently alerted to a particularly unique case of mismatched hairstyle to personality, we jumped at the opportunity to blow one stereotype out of the water. A woman whose hair closely resembles Yolandi Visser from Die Antwoord is, shockingly, not an anarchic performance artist or radical bookstore owner, but rather a Republican campaign coordinator.

Irene Cordoba’s hair is bleached vibrant white and has incredibly blunt bangs in the front, yet flows in the back like a mullet in the Appalachians.

“A lot of people see my hair and think ‘She knows her way around an espresso machine,’ but nope! I know my way around the geopolitical defense machine much better,” said Irene, who has worked for Congressional Republicans like Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, and Lauren Boebert. “Just because I have an aggressively confrontational hairdo doesn’t mean I can’t believe in the benefits of small government and hyper-individualism.”

Neighbors first noticed the discrepancy between appearance and virtues when they saw the Wall Street Journal being delivered to Cordoba’s apartment. But Irene’s surprising proclivities aren’t limited to just her career or political beliefs.

“One of my favorite bands of all time is Rage Against the Machine. But just the instrumentation. I wish they’d just shut up and play,” admitted Cordoba. “Also, I’m a big Noam Chomsky fan, but just because he’s super hot. I think all his ideas are moronic.”

Irene also reportedly has an “ACAB” tattoo on her right shoulder blade. But unlike the popular acronym for “All Cops Are Bastards,” she states that her acronym stands for “All Conservatives Are Beautiful.”

Singer Pressured to Improve Stage Banter After Bassist Learns “Seinfeld” Theme

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

NEW YORK — Local band Junk Cat’s vocalist Ron Stallinger is at odds with his bassist who recently learned how to play the opening theme from “Seinfeld,” causing him to become self-conscious about his stage banter abilities, petty and indifferent sources confirmed.

“It’s just like her to do this kind of shit,” Stallinger complained as he shuffled through a stack of index cards he wanted to have memorized for the next show. “Normally we just introduce ourselves, plow through the set, and bounce. But this fucking asshole comes into rehearsal like a whirling dervish slapping and popping like a maniac. If she pulls that shit at a show, I’ve gotta at least have a bit about traffic, or owning a cat, or how there are too many toothbrushes to choose from these days. Otherwise, we’re dead in the water. Worrying about our setlist is hard enough. Now I gotta make sure I don’t bomb between songs.”

Junk Cat’s resident four-banger Billie Glass sees things differently and insists that Stallinger is overreacting.

“I had just picked up a new set of strings, and ‘Seinfeld’ showed up on my Netflix queue,” Glass stated. “I learned the theme song that Jerry and the gang were introduced with week after week as a joke to make the guys in the band laugh. Between songs we were joshing around about cereal, lines at the deli, and other trivial stuff. It was a riot! But Ron just sat in the corner staring me down as if to say ‘what the fuck are you trying to do to me, Bill?’ The whole vibe was off the rest of the night, so we all packed up and went home early.”

Slap bass expert Theodore Funke warns of the dangers of playing the “Seinfeld” theme to a crowd full of people.

“Ron is right to be concerned, and it’s a slippery slope that he has every right to want to avoid. When people hear the opening hear that bass lick they turn into animals. Women try doing their best Elaine dance impersonations. People start chanting incessantly about airplane food, and the band falls apart on stage,” said Funke. “The best remedy is to switch Billie’s strings out with a set of flatwounds. She’ll be stopped dead in her tracks the second she strikes down with her thumb, and she’ll never know what hit her.”

At press time, Stallinger was seen workshopping bits about reheating leftovers at a nearby open mic.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Opinion: Passing Out On The Neighbor’s Lawn Technically Counts As Camping

Posted on by James Knapp

I’ve always been the outdoorsy type. There’s nothing I love more than wrapping myself in a dirty flannel and striking out into the wild, untamed beauty of nature to get back in touch with my adventurous spirit.

Or at least I did, before my jerkass neighbor filed a police report against me for blacking out in the grass next to his kid’s backyard swing set. I guess some people just don’t appreciate roughing it the same way that I do.

What does he think, just because I didn’t go to a campsite and get a permit and have any camping equipment that it doesn’t count as camping? To that, I would like to point out the line in my Tinder bio that reads “avid naturalist.” Maybe he can think about that the next time he wants to say that drinking thirty beers and throwing up in his kid’s sandbox isn’t conservationism. I’m returning nutrients to the earth, fuckface!

Still though, I’m understanding. I suppose I could see how he would view it as an inconvenience that I used all of his patio furniture for firewood. And the blood on my hands from trying to learn to whittle did attract several bears that still haven’t left his property. But that’s all just a part of the outdoors experience. You gotta learn to adapt, dude.

And yes, I am aware that the bears also killed the guy’s cat. Look, I’m not happy about it either, but that’s the circle of life. Just grab another one from the shelter and tell your little weiner kid to stop crying already — it’s loud and I have a hangover.

Anyway, I guess I’ll just have to accept that not everyone is as free-spirited and open to experiencing nature as I am. In the meanwhile, I’ll just go ahead and add “expert hiker” to my Tinder bio as well, since apparently I walked all the way to Wendy’s while blacked out for Baconators and spicy nuggets.

Viewing of Latest Pixar Movie Again Ends with Child Comforting Crying, Hysterical Parent

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SMYRNA, Tenn. — Local toddler Lana Findlay was forced once again to play the parent and comfort her hysterical mom and dad following the viewing of yet another devastating Pixar movie, sources close to the family confirmed.

“Oh boy, not a anothaw one,” explained the 4-year-old through her adorable speech impediment. “Last summer when we watched Toy Story 3 I was up all night with Momma and Dadda as they just cwied and cwied about Andy saying goodbye to his toys. I just don’t get the big deal. They know the toys don’t disappear when the movie’s over, right? As someone that recently mastered object permanence, I twied to explain that to them, but they kept sobbing.”

Lana’s mom Carys Findlay offered her adult perspective on the 3D animated films.

“It’s nice that there’s sophisticated kid’s entertainment nowadays, unlike the low-rent Hulk Hogan vehicles and glorified toy commercials of my childhood. But our Lana is too young to get the deep emotional wounds these movies reopen. For her, ‘Inside Out’ is just funny, talking inanimate objects and bright, flashing colors. For me and my husband it’s existential dread, mental illness, and reminders of our mortality,” said the young child’s mother. “I just hope she can hang onto his innocence for as long as she can. I’ll never forget the exact moment I ‘grew up,’ when Artax died in ‘The Never Ending Story.’ That was the day I gave up my dreams of owning a horse farm and instead started emulating Brenda from ‘90210’ like every other dead inside Millennial tween.”

But while most view Pixar films as innocent animated trauma, an anonymous source recently revealed the ‘truth’ behind the film studio.

“An internal memo that only the most senior execs, as well as certain members of the Bilderberg secret society, have seen dictates that every Disney and Pixar movie must include enough fucked up shit to emotionally destroy parents, creating voids in their souls that can only be filled with landfill fodder like toys and DVDs, as well as $16 Mickey-shaped ice cream sandwiches at Disney World,” explained the whistleblower. “You don’t get it, man. This shit goes all the way to the top. Walt’s frozen head still dictates the content of the movies. And it started with that horrifying donkey seen from ‘Pinnochio.’”

At press time, Disney and Pixar announced their latest, family-friendly film entitled “Series of lovable, wide-eyed Senior Dogs Being Put to Sleep.”

The Child Labor Used To Make Kid’s Toys Was Better in the 90s

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

Is it just me or do pretty much all children’s toys suck ass now? I get very little pleasure from these new big-eyed beanie baby pieces of shit and these new-age Tomodachi’s that barely soul-bond with their owners. Sure, I may be in my 30s and, sure, I’m probably seeing things through nostalgia-colored glasses, but I think it’s fair to say that whatever sweatshop full of kids making toys today clearly doesn’t have their shit together. Not like the child labor we had in the 90s back when things were awesome.

In the 90s, children across the globe were exploited for their cheap labor and small hands to make the COOLEST toys. Barbies, Legos, Polly Pocket and Mighty Max, Stretch Armstrong. I could list these things all day. But ever since the twin towers went down, I’ve noticed there are fewer toys available for someone like me who enjoys watching really buff turtles fight radioactive warthogs and disembodied brains. The stuff that’s available now? All garbage clearly made by lazy zoomers. Well, maybe not zoomers. Whatever generation comes next. Lazy bastards.

It really takes the love out of a product when you know the child who made the toy didn’t truly have their heart in it.

And don’t get me started on fidget spinners and other sensory toys! Back in my day, the 90s in case you forgot, we had analog bubble wrap made from the same material as plastic bags. We’d pop them once and then throw that shit away so it could naturally go back to the sea and keep the sea turtle population at bay, just as God intended.

Kids today don’t know what they’re missing. They didn’t get to experience the treasures of troll dolls or any of the other perfectly crafted toys made for 90s kids BY 90s kids. Nowadays kids are coddled with safety precautions and outlawed chemicals. Except for the kids making the toys, of course.

Band Staying Together for the Merch

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

INDIANAPOLIS – An $1,800 investment in assorted band merchandise is forcing cash-strapped members of hardcore band Dead Popes Society to play shows until they turn a profit, those being harassed to buy XXL tee shirts and beanies confirm.

“Being around my bandmates is taking years off of my life, but breaking up before we sell all this product would be financially devastating,” bass player Andrea McDougal reluctantly admitted while taking long drags on a cigarette. “I straight up don’t want to play music with these fucking morons anymore, but as long as we can play loud, aggressive music on a stage the size of a hotel shower without killing each other, we should be able to sell the merch and go our separate ways amicably. Besides, our merch guy really deserves a band. He shouldn’t have to go to multiple shows every weekend until he graduates college.”

When questioned about the situation, guitarist and de facto band manager Ben Simpson was skeptical of the plan to stay together until everything sells.

“First off, nobody listened to me and we ended up making the weirdest fucking merch. I told them that shoelaces, swim trunks, and butt plugs wouldn’t sell, but they ordered it anyway. They also insisted on designing everything, so the shirts look like they came from Wish.com,” Simpson ranted during a soundcheck. “I’m pretty sure this box of weird, ill-fitting merch is preventing us from moving on with our lives. At this point, I’m willing to move back in with my parents if it means I don’t have to sell fitted hats, flags with our band name spelled wrong, and short-sleeve hooded sweatshirts in the corner of a VFW anymore.”

Fashion sales consultant Dana Martin believes the band is unwisely flooding the market with products while demand is low.

“Shutting down and running away is the most American thing a business can do. Besides, who wants to buy this stuff right now?” Martin asked while holding up a Dead Popes Society silk robe. “This will only sell after the band becomes a nostalgia act. At that point, everyone will forget how bad the band is, so it won’t matter that the shirts smell weird and leave a rash on your chest.”

At press time, the band’s plan to mint NFTs and launch a cryptocurrency has stalled because the members refuse to speak directly to one another unless they’re standing in front of a room full of people.

Electric Bill Somehow Includes Ticketmaster Service Fees

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Local City Light customer Jacqui Drisdale noticed Ticketmaster service charges on her monthly electric bill, sources who just can’t seem to evade these gratuitous fees no matter what they do, confirmed.

“This must be what the electric company meant when they said I could go paperless or pick up my physical statement at will-call,” said Drisdale before flipping the bill over to the back to discover even more seemingly unrelated costs. “A $4 facility fee I can see, a $6 service fee is pushing it, and $12 for something called ‘manual electricity handling’ just seems like a thing they made up to milk me for more money. Honestly, there really shouldn’t be some sort of bureaucratic middleman getting in between me and my electricity. Enough is enough.”

The entertainment ticket giant defended the charges.

“Technically you order tickets online using electricity, so clearly we’re entitled to at least some sort of compensation on your utility bills for our troubles,” said Ticketmaster spokesperson Bernie Trailman before hopping on a call with shareholders to discuss future plans to tack on fees to every water bill in the nation. “Sure, it may look like we’re coming up with these fees out of thin air, but I assure you that each one has its own unique yet highly top-secret purpose. Also, these extra costs are helping us stay in business. If we had to shut down, all ticket proceeds would just go directly to artists, entertainers, and venues. What kind of business model is that?”

Experts painted a bleak picture of the current state of administrative fees.

“Corporations are slowly encroaching onto every part of our everyday lives, including entertainment and utilities alike,” said amateur historian Julie Davepowder. “That means their ridiculous fees are too. And it’s not like there’s any way to avoid them either. The only way to effectively bypass extra fees on concert ticket purchases is to not buy tickets at all. Hell, just the other day I had to pay $3.50 in Ticketmaster fees at the door of an otherwise free basement show. How they were able to pull that one off I’ll never know.”

In related news, Drisdale noticed a slew of pointless StubHub fees on her Trader Joe’s grocery receipt before vowing to never look too closely at receipts or bills ever again.