LAS VEGAS — Local couple Riley Flores and Sarah Murkowski are under the false impression that their constant arguing is a fun quirk of their relationship that everyone enjoys, confirmed sources who are frequently uncomfortable when out with the couple.
“It’s endless with them. At Chelsea’s dinner party, Riley decided it would be funny to start loudly mocking Sarah in front of everyone because her mom was on welfare when she was a kid. This turned into an hour of them roasting each other, until finally, Sarah started crying and everyone tried to sneak out the back door,” said longtime friend Cameron Pineda. “Or that time at Tiffany and Liam’s wedding, when Sarah spent the entire night pointing out how embarrassing Riley is in public. He was using the wrong fork or he should have bought a new jacket because he’s too fat for this one. Eventually, she started doing this tiny penis gesture toward him. That’s when he freaked out and threw a glass.”
No one knows who gave Flores the misguided idea that anyone likes this behavior, but he seems to live for the attention.
“Our friends love our banter! I’ve got some great zingers, and it helps lighten the mood because people always think that’s funny. And my sex jokes are especially good too, I always get a big reaction if I talk about some of the kinky butt stuff Sarah is into. Let’s just say she’s eaten more chocolate than a taste tester at M&M’s,” said Riley smirking. “Honestly, sometimes we get on a roll and I don’t even know what’s going on! We just improv like a classic sitcom couple. We always get a big laugh. Or a groan I guess. But you know what they say! Any reaction is a good reaction! Or something like that I’m pretty sure.”
Page Gryphon, a psychologist and relationship counselor, has observed many partners like this in the wild.
“Every friend group has a couple like this. They think of themselves as the life of the party and have no qualms airing each other’s dirty laundry. Every incident follows a predictable pattern: it starts as lighthearted bickering, but they amp each other up until one of them breaks. They will then do something dramatic and everyone wonders if they need to call the cops,” said Gryphon. “If you can’t picture who this couple is, it might be you and your partner.”
At press time, the couple was searching their inbox, wondering why no one had RSVP’d to their rented boat party, even though they had sent out fun invites that said ‘9 pm until ?’ weeks ago.