New Report Shows “We Run This City” is Most Common Phrase Said By 22-Year-Olds Whose Parents Still Pay Their Phone Bill

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — A team of researchers at Fordham University discovered that “we run this city” is the most common phrase said by affluent, slightly buzzed, zoomers standing on the balconies of their Manhattan apartments.

“We have studied college-age students across New York for the past seven years and the results have been stunning. Young students who have the financial support of their families are 7,000% more likely to pursue a career making digital art and hold nightly get-togethers where they drink straight from a wine bottle and loudly reflect on how ‘this town belongs to them,’” said Allie Carstesos, an analyst that compiled the data. “Conversely, young students that work two jobs just to put themselves through school and live in a ratty Queens apartment are most commonly overheard saying ‘none of this fucking matters’ and ‘I hope today is the day I get run over by a bus.’”

Anna Wallace, a film student at NYU, is one of the many subjects who claim ownership over New York.

“This is my fucking town! We own this fucking bitch!” said Wallace as she drank another White Claw from the penthouse apartment her parents pay for. “Every one of those mother fuckers down there is just jealous. Nobody can fuck with me. I need you to understand this, if you try to fuck with me then you will get fucked with, ok? If you don’t know who I am you will soon. Believe that, bitch.”

Social media analysts helped contribute multiple data points to the study and were quick to single out some of the more troubling findings.

“One thing we see more often than not is wealthy children pretending to be sex workers online. They will often have an OnlyFans and sell used underwear through private Instagram accounts, but on their main account they are on their parents’ boat or showing off their new car,” said freelance anthropologist Demi Howser. “It’s a very strange form of rebellion because every person we asked about this said ‘please don’t tell my parents if they find out they will fucking kill me.’ We really have no idea what’s going on, other than maybe it’s a weird form of street cred.”

Fordham University hopes to soon release a similar study that shows the phrase “do you know who my father is?” is said most often by children born to the Chief of Police.

How to Immediately Discredit Anybody With a Quick “Yikes”

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

It happened to me. I was at the bar with friends when the unthinkable happened: an acquaintance expressed an opinion on an issue that I disagreed with. Even worse, no one immediately punched or fired them like I was expecting. Had my experiences on Twitter deceived me? This isn’t how the world works! After taking some deep breaths and counting backward from ten, I calmly, but assertively, gave that chud a big fat “yikes.”

Every head at the bar turned and shook with disapproval. My group’s pleasant conversation screeched to a halt. My so-called “acquaintance” was frozen in their tracks, stammering to fix the situation. Most importantly, I had won. And you can too! All thanks to one incredible syllable.

That’s when I realized something. I could use “yikes” on anybody at any time and get the same result. I put my theory to the test. I went to a thrift store. I was digging through the record bin and spotted a copy of Queen’s “Jazz.” The guy next to me said “Great album! Not my favorite of theirs, but still a great find!” I hit him with my most condescending “Yikes.” As he stuttered trying to explain that he much preferred “The Game,” I quickly hit him with a “that ain’t it, chief,” and went on with my day leaving pure devastation in my wake.

It was at this time I realized the power I had at my fingertips. All you have to do to get out of any exchange is to have a little bit of a stink face, have a vaguely condescending tone, and say “yikes!” When they’re still stunned from the initial attack, hit them with a quick “oof,” or even a “wow, okay.” Even if bystanders don’t know the context, they’ll assume you have the moral high ground and the willingness to snap a pic of them and post a fabricated story online. The one small problem with this strategy is that I think I overused it because nobody will even talk to me anymore.

Man Who Filmed Entire Show With His Phone Rushes Home To Watch It Afterward

Posted on by Antonio Cruise

AKRON, Ohio — Local man Dennis Bennet hurried home after filming an entire three-and-a-half-hour punk show at the Grog Shop in Cleveland on Saturday night to rewatch all the bands, sources who have no interest in watching the choppy, blurry video confirmed.

“I was almost late to record the opener because I was doing my pre-show arm raising exercises in the parking lot. And then after I got in I realized my iCloud was just about full. Luckily I was able to quickly delete a two-hour video of my son’s T-ball practice to free up some space on my phone,” explained Bennet. “During the show, all I could think about was getting home and editing my footage on iMovie. Adding comic sans titles and page-turning transitions give it a real polished look. When it’s all done and posted to Youtube I like to screen it on my projector and blast my surround sound system. It really creates an immersive experience.”

Fellow show attendee, Brandon Parsons, reported seeing Bennet in the middle of a pit trying to get the best angles.

“His stamina was actually pretty impressive. At one point I saw his arm starting to tremble a little bit but he found a way to power through it,” Parsons stated. “There definitely was an unspoken agreement with everyone moshing that he was to be left alone to pursue his art. He seemed to be really focused on his task, and honestly, two-stepping around him wasn’t a big deal at all. You know, now that I think about it, the only time I saw him move around was when he pulled a portable battery pack from his pocket to charge his phone.”

Former Behavioral Psychologist, Kimberly Jenkins, noted that this type of behavior is becoming increasingly more common.

“This can be categorized as a variant of obsessive-compulsive disorder known as Hoarding Disorder. This often involves objects, but he can feel a need to hoard memories as well. So instead of cat-murdering piles of newspapers, he hoards these sad, shaky videos of poorly lit punk bands”, explained Jenkins. “If he doesn’t get the professional help he needs he could spiral. I’ve seen cases where people record adults singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to other adults. How fucked up is that?”

At press time, Bennet was seen carefully choreographing a low-angle shot at his grandma’s funeral.

Photo by Newman Wolf.

How I Saved $100 by Getting a New Piercing Instead of a New Tattoo

Posted on by David Arriaga

For me, this time of year is peak body modification season. My seasonal depression is tapering off and the financial windfall that will come from my incoming tax return has created the perfect scenario for me to get some work done! Now, a younger me would’ve immediately blown my entire return on another scorpion tattoo. Instead, this year I did something responsible. I saved 100 dollars by only getting a piercing.

You’re probably thinking, “Wow, you saved over half of your tax return money by making one simple, smart financial decision.” And to that I say, “Actually, it was closer to two-thirds.”

See, typically a tattoo large enough to get me through spring would cost upwards of $200. This year is different though. I’m 30 years old now, which means I automatically know how to manage money. It’s just something that comes with age, I guess. It must, right? I sure as shit I know I haven’t matured as a person.

All said and done the two new piercings only ran me about $100 bucks plus tip (I’m not some asshole who doesn’t tip). Plus, it only took about 10 minutes! This was perfect. I saved at least 100 dollars and had some spare time to dissociate in my car that night. Plus, the next day my new responsible self was able to use that 100 bucks to pay for most of a walk-in Simpsons flash piece.

Budget Cuts Reduce American History Curriculum to VHS Copy of “Young Guns II”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

HOUSTON — Several severe budget cuts to Texas public schools caused one high school’s ‘American History’ curriculum to be reduced to a single weathered VHS copy of the Emilio Estevez vehicle “Young Guns II,” confirmed several students.

“Trying to teach disinterested teens is challenging under normal circumstances, but since the football team needed new uniforms for the eighth year in a row, we now have to teach these kids on our own. They provided some history books, but it’s mainly Bible history written by Texas lawmakers and these kids deserve better,” said history teacher Anne Greenwald. “I’ve been in this profession long enough and I know kids love two things: westerns and Keifer Sutherland. This videocassette of ‘Young Guns II’ that I found in my parents’ basement is probably good enough. The actual taming of the American west had fewer one-liners and much more diversity, but with the amount of money left in our budget, students should be lucky we even had money to find a working VHS player.”

Greenwald’s students initially wrote the film off as classic public school time killer until they entered the second week of dissecting the plot.

“We’re on day nine of this fucking thing and I still have no idea what’s going on. Were we supposed to watch the first one over spring break, and that explains why everyone is trying to kill the guy from ‘Mighty Ducks’? Not sure how any of this ties into the Trail of Tears or building railroads, but the only historical fact I’ve taken away from this is that Billy the Kid existed and enjoyed killing people,“ said 11th grader Elliot Bueller. “I mean it’s not all bad. Every line of dialogue is prime meme potential for TikTok. Plus I’ve been able to use all this downtime to read about the actual American West on the internet without having to take any tests.”

While some students have questioned the educational merits of the film, the curriculum has become more commonplace in American schools.

“Cutting budgets in our country’s schools is as American as apple pie. With these new challenges, teachers across the country are scouring thrift stores and yard sales in search of the most relevant history-adjacent blockbusters of yesteryear. But for every ‘Dances with Wolves’ you’re going to get a few like ‘Fievel Goes West,’” said Department of Education rep Lennon Dylan. “Let’s face it, would you rather have your taxes raised for better teacher salaries, textbooks, and field trips, or would you rather your kid watch something badass like ‘Tombstone?’”

As of press time, the Texas School Board announced that the Hispanic history curriculum would be replaced by a single Betamax copy of “La Bamba.”

Skateboarding Defines Me as a Person in That I’m Not Good at It and Don’t Know Why I Keep Trying

Posted on by James Knapp

I am a skater. Skating is who I am. While the rest of you were off learning how to read and understand traffic signs, I was out there with my board practicing in the alley that has the one sign that’s like a big white arrow with some letters. Whatever that means.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when skateboarding became my entire personality but I would estimate it was the day Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater came out. Despite having never successfully completed the whole game, it instilled a connection to skateboarding culture in me that couldn’t be erased. This is unfortunate because, even after all this time, I am still terrible at skateboarding. And also life. But I keep pushing forward on both endeavors despite a complete and utter lack of success at either.

I don’t have my own apartment. Or car. Or shoes, I cannot tell time on an analog clock, and even digital ones can be tricky sometimes. The only relationship I’ve ever been in turned out to be an automated customer service bot through the Uber Eats app. I have been beaten up by third graders four times. But just like with skating, I keep getting back up only to eat shit almost immediately, once again.

It would be one thing if all that had resulted in a modicum of ability when it comes to skating. But still, I keep practicing. I keep living. Beyond all logical reasoning I am still out here every day, just trying to stand upright for more than a few seconds before busting my literal and figurative face on the pavement. Someday I’ll finally land that ollie. And maybe then I’ll also finally land that job at Ollie’s.

Woman Using Venue Bathroom Makes Sure to Put Seat Down Before Hovering and Pissing All Over It

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

TACOMA, Wash. — Show regular Harmony Smith put the seat down in the bathroom of venue Plaid Pig before squatting and hovering above the toilet and inevitably pissing all over it, sources who appreciate the consideration confirmed.

“It makes me so angry when someone forgets the toilet seat up and I have to touch it and physically put it down myself before I can pee,” an able-bodied Smith stated from the venue’s only handicap stall. “Yeah, ok, I’m definitely not sitting on it cause it’s for sure already covered in someone else’s urine, but I’m a fucking lady. We put the seat down before we spray hot piss all over it. I have decent aim, so when I hover to pee there’s probably only a little splash here and there and it’s not like I’m gross or anything. Like, it takes two seconds, pay it forward.”

Plaid Pig regular and cocaine enthusiast, Lex Monsanto, applauds Smith’s considerate actions, which allow him the use of the stall’s private sink counter and extra legroom without judgment.

“For a while this bathroom was just too clean and made what I was doing feel unnatural,” a highly stimulated Monsanto commented between sniffles. “Folks like Harmony really help set a more welcoming vibe by urinating in, on and around the toilet. Nowadays, there’s the ripe scent of piss in the air and all my toots feel like a fish in the ocean. Plus, most people take one look at the toilet and turn around when they see it, so I could essentially stay in here undisturbed all night.”

As luck would have it, the toilet seat was available for comment before putting in another late-night shift.

“I’m going to be real with you, every night is a war in this stall, and I’ve seen some strong seats crack under the pressure,” the toilet seat commented with a far-off glare in their eyes. “In the end, you just have to wipe up, think to yourself, ‘sure, that’s good enough’ and prepare for what tomorrow may bring, but we all know it’s just a steady stream of hovering asses and piss. Sometimes if we’re lucky some well-meaning soul will put one of those microscopic paper covers down before hovering to piss all over us, but we can’t count on that.”

“Listen, if you touch me, you’re gonna want to wash your hands long enough to at least count to 100,” the toilet seat added.

Heartwarming: When This Talented Band Didn’t Have Festival Submission Money the Promoter Booked His Own Band Instead

Posted on by Kevin Hufe

Everyone knows how tough it is for local bands. Often, members of the most popular bands have access to disposable resources like money and time. Sadly, for most struggling to make it, things like work, family, or intergenerational poverty make it nearly impossible to rise in the ranks of the music world. Sometimes, very talented bands are simply unable to showcase their abilities for the masses due to a lack of these resources. That’s why when one talented band didn’t have the money to pay the fee to submit to a local festival, the promoter lept into action, quickly filling the spot with his own band instead.

“We really were looking to catapult out of the township’s scene and into the greater county’s scene, which is why we knew the ‘Love is Death Fest’ at the Episcopal church would be a great opportunity to showcase what we can do,” vocalist Cecil Powers said. “Unfortunately, being a three-person band, the $40 submission fee was a little steep. Thank God the promoter was able to fill the void on the lineup with his own band.”

Nick Kearney, the promoter who has been running the LiD festival for the past three years, took an immediate interest.

“Hearing about young bands with so much talent struggling to apply to festivals because they don’t have any money is so heartbreaking,” Nick said. “It reminds me of the struggles my band used to face before I started charging bands to submit to my fest.”

That’s when Nick hit the ground running with his idea. After collecting 40 dollars from his bandmates, he slipped them into the lineup. And boy was it worth it! The group gave a rousing performance to a record-setting festival attendance of about 14 people.

CDC Releases New Guidelines On Communal St. Patrick’s Day Puke Bucket

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention director Rochelle Walensky released a new set of guidelines for St. Patrick’s Day revelers prepared to barf their guts into shared puke buckets.

“As we enter a new phase of battling COVID-19 we want to make sure everyone remains safe as they consume countless shots of cheap Irish whiskey and attempt to fight a guy twice their size,” said Walensky. “We want to remind everyone that the safest place to spew is in the privacy of your own home in your own toilet. But we know that’s often not possible, so if you do need to ralph into a dirty bucket at a bar just make sure you keep your face at least 18 inches from the rim to avoid splashback, and make sure you have an Altoid handy to mask that awful stench left in your mouth before standing two inches from the bartender you’re yelling at.”

Freckled drunks across the country admitted they were a little confused by the new CDC announcement.

“Those idiot scientists don’t know shit. My dad was a science teacher and he knows way more about science than those science idiots,” said Boston resident Ryan Doyle while drinking Guinness from a milk jug. “Last month they were saying everyone needs to carry their own barf bucket, now it’s ok for us to all puke in the same bucket? Um, hello, Earth to morons—that doesn’t make any sense. All I know is that COVID took the only holiday I love from me for the past two years, so I have to make up for a lot of lost time.”

Bar managers were thankful for the new guidelines and to be back to regular business.

“The food and drinks industry has been under so much pressure. I almost had to shut down my bar on multiple occasions but we made it through and people will basically pay anything to get drunk in public again,” said bar owner Tammy Steiner. “The state dropped our indoor mask mandate so we expect a lot of projectile vomit. I have multiple buckets set up around the bar with hand sanitizer readily available for anyone that wipes their mouth with their palm. I’ve missed this.”

Walensky also noted the CDC is creating a new section of their website with an updated list of excuses a person can use in the post-COVID hook-up world to leave in a hurry without hurting any feelings.

Sticking It to the Man: This Guy Poops on the Clock 40 Hours a Week

Posted on by Ben Friedman

A great 20th-century philosopher/astronomer once said, “work sucks, I know.” Long hours, stagnant wages, and poor management have left a majority of America’s working-class feeling unable to get the upper hand. However, there is a light in the darkness. Daniel Smith, a local Kroger’s employee, has found a way to beat the system. His strategy to stick it to his employers is simple. He poops every single hour of every single workday.

Sure, we’ve all stolen a few precious moments to deuce on someone else’s time. But this guy has found a way to weaponize it and beat the man at their own game. While his coworkers waste their valuable time hustling to shell out discount groceries, Daniel is hunkered down in his modest two-stall command center with an endless supply of podcasts. He refuses to sacrifice his time when they’re only paying 11 dollars an hour.

And at the end of the day, Daniel clocks out with his head held high knowing that he put in an honest day’s work of not getting pushed around by middle management. With a brain that full and bowels that empty, Daniel could be running his own company one day! Just as soon as he gets his self-caused IBS under control.

We can’t help but see the similarities between Daniel’s stand against capitalism and John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s “stay in bed” protest. Could his bowel movement turn into a labor movement? Only time will tell. Regardless, I think we can all agree that this working-class hero knows where to tell “The Man” to shove his minimum wage, long hours, and “customer is always right” policy: right in the fucking toilet.