Terror Frontman Pacing Back and Forth Just Trying to Get His Steps In

Posted on by Amber Scala

BERKELEY, Calif. — Legendary Terror frontman Scott Vogel was caught incessantly checking his Fitbit watch while pacing back and forth in hopes of improving his overall cardiovascular health, according to several distracted audience members.

“I want to make sure everyone in this place is going nuts at all times, and sometimes I’m so focused on all the kids stage diving that I forget I need to pay attention to myself,” noted an out-of-breath Vogel, using the mixer’s USB connection to charge his Fitbit in between bands. “I signed up for a ‘30-Day Beach Body Challenge’ and I use the stage as my gym. It’s tough to work out in the van, so I need to make the most of what I have.  Is it imperative that I win the ‘Over 40 Most Steps of the Month’? I think you know the answer.”

Long-time Terror fan, Armin Carragan, expressed concern over the escalating obsession.

“I noticed he was glancing at his wrist which was lighting up every 20 seconds or so, and I thought maybe he was worried about how much time the band had left,” Carragan recalled. “But then in between songs he wasn’t doing his normal mosh calls. He kept talking about ‘how this next one is a real calorie burner’ and suggesting we all warm up a little before getting in the pit.”

Fitbit representative Holly Moray commented on behalf of the Fitbit Adventures and Challenges Team, who frequently hear Vogel’s name come up at staff meetings.

“While we encourage some friendly competition in the Fitbit community, Scott has taken it to a troublesome level,” Moray explained. “We recently had to intervene in a Fitbit forum, where he responded to a woman’s celebratory ‘1st 5K!’ post with ‘This world’s a fucking nightmare. It brings us nothing but pain. Chasing dreams that don’t exist.’ His response doesn’t make a ton of sense to us, but it’s just not very happy.”

“On top of this, our customer service lines receive calls from him an average of once per week, in which he complains that we definitely tampered with his step count and accused us of ‘disloyalty,’ even though Fitbit and Fitbit-related enterprises are in no way responsible for personal losses, it says so right in the terms and conditions” she added.

At press time, Vogel, who has since been banned from partaking in the public Fitbit community, made the switch to Apple watch, asserting that they are way more “keepers of the faith.”

Go see Terror live in Berkeley, CA on April 27th at Cornerstone and see for yourself. Purchase Tickets Here

New Red Hot Chili Peppers Single Just California’s Wikipedia Page Set to Music

Posted on by Michael Palladino

LOS ANGELES — The latest single from the Red Hot Chili Peppers entitled “770 Miles of Sunshine” was revealed to be California’s Wikipedia page set to the band’s trademark punk/funk sound, keen-eared listeners confirmed

“By the time I got 30 seconds into it, I knew something was up. The first verse was just weird, whisper-singing that listed the states and territories that once made up the Baja California peninsula,” said longtime fan Bill Lightfoot. “It didn’t even really rhyme or anything. Then there was that line about ‘Etymology and the Blue-Fronted Jay and the Sierra Chickadee.’ I went on Wikipedia and it was almost word for word.”

Fans immediately took to various social media platforms to discuss the song’s lyrics.

“I read an interview where the band said the new single would be ‘slightly political,’” music reviewer Alley Laskowski posted on her Facebook. “I thought it’d be an interesting listen with the election and everything. But it was just factual, straightforward statements about Nancy Pelosi and the 18,245,970 voters that are currently registered in California.”

The nine-minute song contains three verses on California’s infrastructure and an extended rap that breaks down the state’s economy.

“Oh, and that ‘Latin Influence’ they alluded to before the single’s release? Pretty much just a line about how 37.6% of the state’s population is Hispanic or Latino,” Laskowski added. “It was like hearing a middle-aged guy sing his kid’s social studies report.”

Many have accused the Chili Peppers of committing outright plagiarism, which frontman Anthony Kiedis was quick to deny.

“I always leave it up to the listener in a lot of ways, but I’ve heard the criticisms about that song, and I’m honestly at a loss,” said Kiedis from his Los Angeles home. “This song is very reflective of where we’re at as a band right now. It tackled themes that mean a lot to us — like demographics, geography, external links, and further reading.”

Kiedis then told reporters to look for a bonus track on the album’s Deluxe Edition, entitled “So High in SoFi,” which many fans are calling “a literal reading of the L.A. Rams Super Bowl-winning roster.”

New Red Hot Chili Peppers Single Just California’s Wikipedia Page Set to Music

Posted on by Michael Palladino

LOS ANGELES — The latest single from the Red Hot Chili Peppers entitled “770 Miles of Sunshine” was revealed to be California’s Wikipedia page set to the band’s trademark punk/funk sound, keen-eared listeners confirmed

“By the time I got 30 seconds into it, I knew something was up. The first verse was just weird, whisper-singing that listed the states and territories that once made up the Baja California peninsula,” said longtime fan Bill Lightfoot. “It didn’t even really rhyme or anything. Then there was that line about ‘Etymology and the Blue-Fronted Jay and the Sierra Chickadee.’ I went on Wikipedia and it was almost word for word.”

Fans immediately took to various social media platforms to discuss the song’s lyrics.

“I read an interview where the band said the new single would be ‘slightly political,’” music reviewer Alley Laskowski posted on her Facebook. “I thought it’d be an interesting listen with the election and everything. But it was just factual, straightforward statements about Nancy Pelosi and the 18,245,970 voters that are currently registered in California.”

The nine-minute song contains three verses on California’s infrastructure and an extended rap that breaks down the state’s economy.

“Oh, and that ‘Latin Influence’ they alluded to before the single’s release? Pretty much just a line about how 37.6% of the state’s population is Hispanic or Latino,” Laskowski added. “It was like hearing a middle-aged guy sing his kid’s social studies report.”

Many have accused the Chili Peppers of committing outright plagiarism, which frontman Anthony Kiedis was quick to deny.

“I always leave it up to the listener in a lot of ways, but I’ve heard the criticisms about that song, and I’m honestly at a loss,” said Kiedis from his Los Angeles home. “This song is very reflective of where we’re at as a band right now. It tackled themes that mean a lot to us — like demographics, geography, external links, and further reading.”

Kiedis then told reporters to look for a bonus track on the album’s Deluxe Edition, entitled “So High in SoFi,” which many fans are calling “a literal reading of the L.A. Rams Super Bowl-winning roster.”

Review: Motion City Soundtrack “I Am the Movie”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back in time and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we tackle “I Am the Movie” the 2003 debut album from emo mainstays Motion City Soundtrack.

I’ll start from the beginning, with the first song I ever heard by Motion City Soundtrack. It’s easily the standout single from “I Am the Movie,” an anxious, poppy banger titled “The Future Freaks Me Out.” This track has become a highlight at MCS concerts, often the encore is sung in part by the audience. That is pretty impressive considering the lyrics are so dense and syncopated that I didn’t actually know what the fuck Justin Pierre was saying until roughly fifteen minutes ago when I finally decided to find out what he was actually saying.

As I explored the rest of the album I kept coming back to how much I like that one song “The Future Freaks Me Out.” The music video is actually a take on the Wes Anderson breakout Rushmore, which is kind of weird considering that the whole movie is about a high schooler high-key stalking his adult teacher? Regardless, the song slaps, and I guess it is fitting that an emo band is a little too into narratives involving wildly age-inappropriate relationships. One can’t help but wonder if the Betty spoken of is actually some girl that had the bad luck to be a teenager in Minneapolis in the early 2000s.

I’d like to touch on an often overlooked track from “I Am the Movie,” called “The Future Freaks Me Out.” Though not on my highly-tuned hit radar at first, this fun little song quickly became a favorite of mine, mostly because it was a pre-loaded track on my first MP3 player when I was in 7th grade. “The Future Freaks Me Out” is, to this day, a perfect time capsule of what it felt like to be thirteen with limited access to the internet to look up the lyrics, and instead just kind of mumble along phonetically for the next 17 years. What a stellar way for Motion City Soundtrack to start their long and illustrious career!

Verdict: 1/1 songs I know from this album

/**/

Fuck: Strung Out Couple Just Found a Puppy

Posted on by Krissy Howard

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local faded couple Robby Weeks and Angela Torres found and have since adopted a puppy while out doing whatever it is they do all day, according to extremely concerned sources.

“Check it out!” said Weeks, holding up a small Chihuahua-mix he and his girlfriend/using buddy found near a drainage pipe by the highway. “Me and Ang were just on our way to her mom’s house when we saw the little dude smelling around some old wet hoodie on the ground and it came right up to us. We haven’t decided on a name for him yet, but we got it narrowed down to Lucky and Weinerface. I guess we’ll let his personality shine through and see which one calls to us.”

Close friend and woman who just celebrated two years clean, Sona DeSantis, was unsurprised to learn of the pair’s recent find.

“God damn man, again? I know those guys from my active addiction. I mean, I don’t love the idea of a dog being supervised by two people whose eyes are collectively open for less than three hours a day, but they’re sweet people at heart so I guess it could be worse,” DeSantis reasoned. “This craziest thing about this to me is the sheer amount of helpless animals they’re constantly finding. The only thing I’ve ever found in my entire life is $2 on the ground one time, and that was in my driveway so there’s a pretty good chance it fell out of my own pocket.”

Those who are aware of the couple but haven’t been able to get ahold of them for a while have expressed deep concern.

“I feel sick with worry about this poor creature. I mean, these two have been struggling to get clean for years and written off by nearly everyone they know, and then they go and take on the added responsibility of a dog when they can hardly take care of themselves? How are they gonna afford daycare for it?” said a woman who used to work with Torres at Rite Aid two years ago, Brandy Spruill. “I see those two walking all over the damn place day and night and I don’t think they’re ever not outside. Does that sound like the kind of lifestyle a sweet baby doggie is cut out for? I don’t think so.”

At press time, the couple and the aptly named Weinerface welcomed an entire box full of kittens into their family unit.

We Rank The Top 5 Off Track Betting Venues By How Verbally Abusive Dad Would Get

Posted on by Dan Rice

We all love degenerate gambling, but if you grew up with a poppa who needed “a new pair of shoes” you grew up with a poppa who was doing it wrong. My old man needed shoes, a shirt, a car payment, rent and enough money to feed a family of four when he made his bets because he knew how to live!

Sure, gambling is more accessible than ever thanks to the internet and social decay, but if you want to bet it all on the ponies in style, The Hard Times has got you covered! Here’s our definitive list of venues that offer OTB ranked by how much the old man would take it out on all of us when things didn’t go his way, which occurred at a rate of roughly “inevitably.”

Horse Around
Bridgeport, CT
Located in scenic Bridgeport between a liquor store and another defunct OTB venue, this quaint little gambling parlor caters to casual betters and full-blown deadbeats alike. While it’s a perfectly fine place to throw away a car payment or your kid’s back-to-school clothes money, it ranks low on our list as it would barely sink Dad’s mood below generally sour. He would rarely go on the attack after an evening at The Horse Around, opting instead for a quiet beer on the couch and a curt “fuck off” in response to any question posed to him.

Rollers
Bridgeport, CT
Located in scenic Bridgeport between a gun store and some broken glass, this innocuous OTB features some surprisingly hot action. Dad’s off-the-wagon exploits at rollers inspired him to dish out such classic verbal blows as “Maybe if you lost weight I wouldn’t be embarrassed to show you to my friends” to my mom and “You aren’t going to be smart enough for college anyway” to yours truly.

If you’re an absolutely irredeemable sack of shit, do yourself a favor and do NOT sleep on Rollers.

Murray’s Parlor
Bridgeport, CT
Located in scenic Bridgeport between a methadone clinic and a homeless encampment, this tried and true pony parlor is a top-notch garbage fire. If you’re looking for the self-loathing fueled “oomff” to finally tell every member of your family “fuck you for existing” in the most hurtful and targeted way possible, Murray’s is THE place to be!

Clompers
Hilliard, FL
When Dad relocated the entire family to Florida for a year to “cool his heels for a while,” my chief concern was that he wouldn’t find a suitable bar to place horse bets and then lash out at us. Boy was that unfounded! If you find yourself dodging the northeast bookies in this part of the country you’re gonna wanna pop into Clompers! While the sunshine and year-round beach weather could put a smile on even his contemptuous face from time to time, a few hours at Clompers could knock that “Let’s be a family” bullshit right the fuck out and replace it with a familiar tides of “I am sick and tired of you fucking losers holding back, I gotta live MY life”

Sports Haven
New Haven, CT
Rather than tout the many ingenious ways this place facilitates degeneracy (you can sell them the car you drove there in!) we’re gonna let this bad boy close out our list with its own list! Here are the top 5 devastating things Dad said after a bus ride home from Sports Haven:

5. What kind of a fucking moron manages to burn a meatloaf?!

4. Boy you just can’t do a single fucking thing right can you?

3. You don’t need your teeth fixed, you’re fat enough already!

2. Don’t worry about why I have a black eye, worry about what a (pejorative homophobic slur) you look like with your hair long!

1. Well, I sold the dog.

Poser at Restaurant Wears Shirt of Food They’re Going to Eat

Posted on by Cory Cousins

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Terry Miller became the target of derision and mockery from patrons at upscale eatery Stem when he showed up wearing a shirt of the dish he planned to eat that night, several repulsed restaurant staff confirmed.

“I’ve been a follower of lobster risotto for years. I’m over the moon that I finally get to eat it in person,” exclaimed Miller. “I can’t tell you how many late nights I spent reading lobster risotto recipes to help me get over a break-up and I’ve been watching YouTube videos of people preparing and eating lob-ris for years. This is a dish I’ve seen on the Food Network so many times that I might get a bit starstruck when the wait staff actually puts it in front of me. Hopefully, I can get the chef to autograph my shirt at the end of the night.”

Stem’s Executive Chef, Marisa Terzoli, was immediately dismayed by Miller’s poor fashion choice.

“I thought my sous chef was playing a silly kitchen prank on me when they first told me. I didn’t think someone would actually be that lame, but there he was, grinning ear to ear doing this weird little dance in his chair while he waited for his food,” recounted an amused and slightly off-put Chef Terzoli. “On one hand, I always appreciate the patronage of my restaurant, but on the other, I mean how fucking lame and desperate is that? C’mon! You show up wearing a shirt with a picture of lobster risotto and ‘#LobsterRisottoLife’ written across your shoulders? Sorry, but this is too cringy for me to discuss any longer.”

Self-proclaimed “Foodie Fashion Critic” and “Pictured Food Curator,” Giselle Ferrara, weighed in on the fashion faux pas.

“Yes, this was indeed a total poser move,” scoffed Ferrara. “A seasoned and refined food fan would have chosen a t-shirt within the same genre of food being prepared at the restaurant, but not the exact food being eaten, of course. Perhaps a sea bass, Coq Au Vin, or foie gras combination would have worked. Or even an ironic T-shirt with a black and white photo of a single crouton would have let the other patrons know that they were serious. Someone needs to say something to him so he stops being an embarrassment to his entire family.”

At press time, Miller was spotted ironing his favorite Chicken Tikka Masala shirt before heading out to a trendy local Indian eatery.

Identity Crisis: Your Favorite Artist Listed Your Most Hated Artist as an Influence

Posted on by Ciara Murphy

Your nightmare has become a reality. Your favorite artist just named the band you hate more than anything else in this world as their inspiration. No war, disease, or atrocity is worse than finding out a sucky band is the reason your hero makes music. This conflicting information may have you questioning your musical judgment or even your general sense of self. In severe cases, you may spiral into a full-blown identity crisis. Fortunately, as music snobs, we’re here to lend our expertise in keeping your psyche together after deciding that the band you based your identity around actually sucks.

You have identified as punk since you were a toddler. You’ve been moshing since before you could walk. You eat, sleep, and breathe this shit. But now, your favorite band said their biggest influence is a bunch of pop-punk dorks who dress like they’re still in high school and write songs about girls who are still in high school. It’s normal to feel like everything you understand about life has been a lie. You need immediate self-care. Meditation, self-reflection, and deep breathing can help you to focus on finding a new purpose in life. Also, you might want to start smoking again.

Many people who experience an identity crisis start altering their values to match their environment. You may try to convince yourself that the band you hate isn’t so bad after all. Maybe you just need to give them another try. This might take a few attempts, but don’t get disheartened. The songs you grow to love never stick at first.

We hope our advice will bring you some comfort and support during this time. If not, you can always deny the interview ever existed. Just like you do with their latest three albums.

Cameo Greeting From Michael Shannon Still Haunting Local Man’s Dreams

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio. — A Cameo greeting from acclaimed character actor, Michael Shannon, left the recipient of the message Josh Gaither unable to sleep and thoroughly distressed in his day-to-day life, sources close to the former fan reported.

“My friend sent me the Cameo as a birthday gift and I suppose they meant well, but goddamn if that thing hasn’t left me fucked up,” remarked an unshaven, disheveled Gaither. “He did the whole thing in character. First ‘Bug,’ then he shifted over to the guy from ‘Boardwalk Empire,’ and, finally, ‘Revolutionary Road.’ The first few nights I kept waking up screaming and drenched in sweat from the nightmares. One night I could swear he was sitting at the foot of my bed dressed as General Zod. At this point, I would gladly welcome back my own sleep paralysis demons if it meant never having to see the celebrated actor again.”

April Maddox, the friend who sent Gaither the Cameo, seemed unaware of the long-term damage her gift had done.

“I just knew Josh would freak out when he saw this. Everyone loves Michael Shannon,” an upbeat Maddox told reporters. “When I asked how he liked his gift, he said he ‘feels like he’s in a nightmare so dark and tragic that he welcomes the sweet release of death,’ so I guess he must have been pretty excited about it. It’s all he talks about now too. Every time we text it’s ‘Michael Shannon has forever altered his life’ this and ‘the guy from ‘Nocturnal Animals’ is right behind me’ that. So, I think I pretty much nailed this birthday gift.”

Cameo founder Steve Galanis admitted they have received many complaints about Shannon’s videos.

“At first, we thought it was a huge win getting an A-lister like Michael Shannon on our site. It certainly beats the hell out of getting a cameo from the ‘Dude, You’re Getting a Dell’ guy. But right from the start, things with Michael went off the rails,” said Galanis. “First, he requested that he be in charge of all correspondence with the customer. Apparently, after a cameo request is received he replies with an ominous telegram that only says ‘7 days.’ And he insisted that he not be compensated, claiming ‘their reactions is all the payment I need.’”

At press time, an ill-timed Cameo greeting from Willem Dafoe had sent Gaither into a catatonic psychosis.

7 Underrated Minor Star Wars Characters That Deserve Their Own Erotic Series Done By Me

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

We are currently living in a golden age of Star Wars spin-offs. If a character has ever appeared in the prequels, sequels, main trilogy, an animated show, or one of George Lucas’s ice cream headaches, they are probably going to get their own Disney+ series at some point.

While this behemoth of a franchise has a lot going for it, there is one thing it doesn’t have: erotic journeys in the lives of minor Star Wars characters through the specific filter of my imagination.

Just to give you an idea of what you are missing, here’s some from my personal, private journals:


Lobot: Remember Lobot, Lando Calrissian’s silent cyborg aide-de-camp in Cloud City? Lobot’s tragic backstory is that he was once Lando’s fellow smuggler and trusted friend, but a near-fatal injury during a daring raid on an Imperial ship caused his cybernetic implants to take over his mind and render him the blank, efficient figure you see in The Empire Strikes Back. But what my six-part Disney+ series will explore is how love can bring back a mind from even the greatest injury. And lots of nudity. Lots.

It’s all incredibly tasteful I assure you, except maybe for the smaller version of that thing on his head that I wrote onto his balls.


Jek Tono Porkins: Come in, Red Six! That’s the seductive words told to Jek Tono Porkins in my script for Porkin’, a sex comedy starring the Rebel Alliance fighter who died in the run on the first Death Star. But before his tragic death, there’s plenty of time for a series that shows the portly, virile Porkins in a series of sexy misunderstandings that inevitably lead him slyly breaking the fourth wall and telling the audience “It’s time to get Porkin’!”


Sy Snootles: There’s no aphrodisiac like talent. That’s why Sy Snootles, the Pa’lowick singer of Max Rebo’s band in “Return of the Jedi,” deserves her very own “The Americans” style spy series in which her profession as an entertainer is revealed to be a cover for her work as a Hutt agent who always gets her information…one way or the other. The other way is sex!


Kit Fisto: Yes obviously this one lends itself to a fairly obvious and unsavory angle, but in my pitch I take the high road and practically avoid the subject of fisting all together! My Fisto is more into using his tentacle hair like a bunch of giant cocks.


Tion Medon: This guy was the weird tall pale alien in Revenge of the Sith who warns Obi-Wan Kenobi that General Grievous is planning on ambushing him, and you just know this guy FUCKS. Slap that hunk on the cover of a Harlequin novel with some Twi’lek babes clutching his legs, and you got yourself an erotic adventure for the ages.


Dr. Cornelius Evazan and Ponda Baba: I’m not going to lie. There’s not a lot of plot in the script treatment I wrote for this one. It’s pretty much just the Walrus guy and the pigface doctor from the Mos Eisley Cantina going to town on each other, in extremely specific, extremely hot detail.


The Exogorth: Loneliness can tame even the greatest beasts. In my notes for an animated show based on the giant asteroid worm that almost eats the Millenium Falcon, the Exogorth has been alone for eons. Pent up, you know. And when its asteroid collides and merges with another carrying another Exogorth, they have to learn to put aside their initial differences and work together. And then it’s on.

It. Is. On.

C’mon, Kathleen Kennedy! Do the fans a solid, for once! At the very least, you know any of these would be better than “Attack of the Clones.”