Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Other Three Members of The Smiths Announce They Aren’t Fascists, Could Still Really Use the Royalties

Posted on November 9, 2022 by John Danek

MANCHESTER, U.K.— The three non-Morrissey members of legendary rock band The Smiths pleaded their case that boycotting the band’s music harms them significantly more than it does their cantankerous frontman, ethically conflicted fans reported.

“Believe me—no one understands how much of a piece of shit Moz is more than us,” began former Smiths drummer Mike Joyce, who attributes his decreasing royalty payments to anti-Morrissey sentiment. “But he still sells out arenas left and right. Me, Andy, and even Johnny? Sure, we get some nice gigs here and there. But those checks could help us send our kids to school. Moz hates immigrants, the EU, and people different from him, but I don’t! Fuckin’ love ‘em! Please stop punishing me for that!”

Fans of bands with problematic members grapple with the complex morality of still listening to their music.

“I’m cursed. All my favorite bands get canceled. And now there’s this creeping realization that listening to The Smiths might be mad problematic,” mused Karintha Farrows, who was previously a fan of Lostprophets, Brand New, As I Lay Dying, and R. Kelly. “Morrissey is only 25% of the band, and Spotify is already chopping pennies as it is, so I’m not sure it makes a huge difference. Then again, he is the most prominent member by far. But I listen mostly for Johnny Marr’s guitar! Why should bandmates suffer because their former singer guzzled the teat of Nigel Farage’s bullshit? I need someone with a philosophy degree to settle this for me.”

Financial experts weighed in on the effects that boycotting streaming music can do to various musicians.

“It’s one thing to fully condemn a solo artist like Azealia Banks for sacrificing animals; she’s gonna have to start peddling makeup or a subscription box to get by,” explained advisor Mark Kensington, who specializes in musicians’ wealth or lack thereof. “But with bands, you’re hurting the less successful members the most. We call this the Ringo Phenomenon. We may never have answers.”

In an effort to recoup royalty losses, Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr has reduced his merch table offerings to only sell his $2,200 signature Fender Jaguar guitar.

Hardcore Climate Scientists Say Motherfuckers in the Back Will Be Underwater by 2038

Posted on November 9, 2022 by Rob Ryder

WASHINGTON — A new study by climate scientists within the hardcore scene revealed the motherfuckers in the back will almost certainly be underwater by the year 2038.

“This is not a question of if, it is a question of when,” said lead researcher Dr. Know. “The data before 1977 is spotty at best since no one bothered to write any of this shit down until at least 1983. Even with limited data, the pattern is clear. Those motherfuckers were bone dry in 1983, but five years later, your 20-eyelet Doc Martens were completely soaked. The next time you turn around, those motherfucker could be gone. God only knows where the fuck Glenn Danzig is, that guy has probably been underwater for at least 10 years.”

Not everyone is on board with the science behind the study including climate change denier Terry Harken.

“Those hardcore motherfuckers think they’re so god damn smart. They’ve been saying this shit for years and we’re not buying it. Yeah, a few motherfuckers are getting a little damp, but that’s how it goes when you choose to stand like a post in the back. The water rises, but it’ll reside, it’s all a natural cycle,” said Harken. “Remember the 90’s? The posers flooded every show, but all the people that built the scene stayed. We’re not going anywhere it’s time for these scientists to quit the spoken word bullshit and get back to thrashing our faces off.”

Texas politician Beto O’Rourke recently spoke about his experiences in the hardcore scene and has voiced his support of the motherfuckers in the back; diving headlong into efforts to combat climate change in the scene.

“This is a two-fold problem and it will require a multifaceted solution. Even though we’ve already reached a state of alert, our first step must be to slow the rise by fixing venue toilets and leaks in the roof. This is by no means a perfect fix, but for the sake of future motherfuckers, we have to try,” said O’Rourke. “Secondly, we need to do something to mitigate the growing disaster we’ve all created. We will have to get creative and do this D.I.Y.; only so many people can sit on a mixing board, hang from a PA speaker, or be a stage potato. We need to get cinder blocks and milk crates to the back soon or the consequences are clear.”

Punk legend Greg Graffin was asked to comment on the growing problem, but apparently, his Ph.D. is in evolution and he “doesn’t know shit about climate change.”

How To Stay Anxiety-Free Even Though That Fan Above Your Bed Is Wobbly as Fuck

Posted on November 9, 2022 by Jonah Nink

It’s hard to stay anxiety-free in our crazy world. Whether it’s the newest national tragedy, workplace havoc, or trouble at home, it may often feel impossible to avoid an anxious mindset. Thankfully there are strategies to help keep your mind at peace, though they’re all mostly moot because that fan above your bed is wobbly as hell and definitely going to fall and kill you.

Maintaining a healthy mindset also means keeping yourself physically healthy. Staying active, eating right, and seeing a physician regularly are a must for keeping in shape. You should also get plenty of sleep. But how is that possible when this flailing fan has a goddamn death wish?

Be adventurous! Even small changes in scenery can do wonders for your mental wellness. For instance, instead of sleeping underneath the 35 lbs of whirling metal dangling a short eight-foot drop from your skull, spend the night on the living room couch.

Surround yourself with friends and family that you can rely on for support. Having a strong network of people who see you for the great person you are can be lifesaving, unlike the fan, which sees itself as a hammer and you as a fucking nail, buddy.

It’s important to recognize when you’re caught in a loop of anxious thinking. It starts small with a simple thought like, “Fuck, did my landlord hang this fan up with glue and tampons? Why does it sound like a blender filled with marbles and baby ducks?”

If you find yourself in mental freefall, try to take a breath and rationalize the situation.
For example, instead of saying, “I’m just going to lay here and wait for this fan to fall and shatter every single bone in my body because, like Sisyphus, my life will never amount to anything but suffering and disappointment,” use short, declarative statements like, “I’m going to turn off the fan.”

Any progress is progress. Set simple daily goals for yourself. It could be as basic as going to the store and buying one of those tower fans. Just don’t think about why they cost $70 for some reason.

Review: Neck Deep “Rain in July”

Posted on November 9, 2022 by Joe Rumrill

This week we’ve decided to take a look at Welsh pop-punk luminaries Neck Deep and their debut EP “Rain in July.” For this review, we’ll be employing our brand new metric for musical effectiveness: how well the song can be covered by the average high school marching band. With that in mind, let’s take a listen!

Kicking off with the aptly titled “Kick It”, we have an instant knock against it, as it starts with a “Back To The Future” sample which is notoriously hard to replicate with wind instruments while in formation. Not that I haven’t seen it done, but you better believe me when I say that instance was with some damn fine flugelhorn players…I’m talking top-tier. Regionals ready.

Next song “Silver Lining” might be tough too. This one is gonna be pretty tough on the ol’ drumline. Better hope your rototom guys have it in them to get these fills correct. A good one to get the team going, though: it’ll have the crowd asking John Philip WHO-sa?

Speaking of questions, we’ll move on to another game day ripper “What Did You Expect?” Folks, picturing these beautiful, earnest lyrics converted into the various root-toot-tooting of horns has tears welling up in my eyes. We’d better hope the sousaphones have their parts memorized, because they’re not going to be able to see any sheet music through their weeping.

This brings us to “Over and Over” which I’ll respectfully skip, as the crowd would be ignoring the marching band at this point to get the wave started. No shame in that; you simply gotta respect the bonding power of the wave.

Though I’d envy the ninth-grade girl who got to solo the piccolo part representing Laura Whiteside’s harmony vocals on “A Part of Me”, we’ve gotta give a disqualification to this song. There’s piano on this track, and have you ever tried marching with one of those? Good way to throw your back out at age 15 and then deal with that injury for the rest of your life. No thanks!

The final two tracks are totally doable, and if done in tandem with the choreographed comedic romping of the costumed mascot (I’m picturing some kind of “fightin’ oyster”) it could really be a thing of beauty. Go team go…this July game won’t be called on account of rain.

Score: 4/4 time signature, but watch the drum majors for the tempo

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Beatdown Hardcore Show Vibe Affected by Jane Goodall Observing From Corner and Taking Notes

Posted on November 8, 2022 by Joe Rumrill

LOMBARD, Ill. — The typically tough-as-nails beatdown band Rank and File were reportedly thrown off their game at a recent show at the Gulch when they noticed famous primatologist Dr. Jane Goodall hidden in the corner taking notes, weirded-out sources confirmed.

“Man, she just really got me in my head. I’d try to move on to the next song, and I’d notice her in my peripheral vision, just scribbling away in that notebook. I got really self-conscious with her there, it made it difficult for me to remember some of my mosh calls like ‘fuck this place up’ or ‘this is your last chance,’” said Rank and File frontman C.T. Peters. “It totally ruined the vibe of the show, you could tell everyone was aware of her presence and were second-guessing their actions in the pit because of it. Reminded me of the time long ago when Steve Irwin did a TV segment during one of our sets.”

Attendees of the show echoed Peters’ statements and felt the presence of Goodall affected their attention.

“Oh, of course I noticed her there in the corner with her little pad. First of all, you don’t normally see any octogenarians at hardcore shows, and if you do they’re usually lost and trying to find their way out,” said local crew member Merle Geffen. “But my attention went straight to Goodall that night because, well, I’m a huge fan. I really admire her, read all her books. I couldn’t pay attention at all to my friends onstage, I was fighting the urge to lumber up to Dr. Goodall and ask her to sign the copy of ‘Seeds of Hope’ I always keep in my messenger bag.”

Goodall seemed almost embarrassed that her presence at the show was so widely recognized.

“I meant the punks no harm with my observance, I simply wanted to better understand their chugging riffs, their distorted vocals…their way of life, really,” said Goodall before noting the moshing ritual bore a striking resemblance to chimpanzee behavior. “They were fascinating subjects and I strove to gain their eventual acceptance. It saddens me that my presence indeed threw off any vibe there may have been. I realize, through my analysis, how crucial and delicate a vibe can be.”

“But now I must leave in peace, though I do hope to continue my research again someday,” Goodall opined. “In fact, maybe next week when they play the VFW with Shin Splinter.”

At press time, the owner of the Gulch wished Goodall would come back and retrieve the chimpanzee she left there.

The Next Patrick Bateman? This Guy Has a Skincare Routine

Posted on November 8, 2022 by Zach Hudson

There’s something off about Josh, and it isn’t his impossibly perfect skin. This guy is glowing, there’s no denying that. But behind that blemish-free face, a monster surely lurks, for there’s only one other man we can think of with a skincare routine as long as Josh’s. We’re talking of course about Patrick Bateman.

We don’t want to jump to any conclusions here, but any man who puts on hydrochloric acid twice a day definitely has at least one woman’s head in his freezer.

It’s not normal man, just splash some cold water on your face at night like the rest of us. We can’t even pronounce half the shit he puts on his face throughout the week.

We keep our wives far away from this guy. Not because we’re insecure! It’s just in case our hunch that Josh is a murderer is correct and has nothing to do with how objectively attractive and charming he is.

To the average person, Josh probably appears to be a normal guy with a 9-5 job and ethereal skin. But we’re not buying it. He’s got a dark secret, perhaps multiple. One time our friend Tyler saw him in Sephora when he was out shopping with his girlfriend. Josh was there by himself, reading every ingredient on every product he picked up. You don’t have that sort of attention to detail unless you have disposed of multiple bodies.

You can’t be smart, funny, successful, and have absolutely radiant skin without having murdered at least one person in cold blood. We’ll bet anything that when he’s out “volunteering with the Big Brothers Big Sisters program” he’s actually cutting multiple people up with a chainsaw.

Josh does have a concerning amount of knowledge about power tools. Yeah, sure it came in super handy when he offered to fix our deck for free. But thinking back, he was probably just scouting it out to see if he could hide a body under there.

It’s not because we’re insecure. We’ve just seen enough movies and television to know what to look for.

To be fair he is fun to hang out with, when he isn’t running late that is. The other day he showed up to happy hour half an hour late because he forgot when we were meeting and had already applied a mask, which we think is his version of “returning some video tapes.”

White Guy at Grocery Store Wondering Which Hot Sauce An Anti-Racist Would Buy

Posted on November 8, 2022 by Noah Leavy

BOULDER, Colo. — Local white man Jacob Foley spent over twenty minutes deciding which hot sauce purchase would best reflect the fact that he opposes racism, confirmed multiple confused witnesses who just wanted to grab some Frank’s RedHot.

“I’ve been reflecting on how to be a more active participant in the struggle for racial equality,” explained Foley, who is still searching for a “progressive buyers guide” for condiments. “Before I’d just grab some Texas Pete and be on my way, but that could be seen as an endorsement of Greg Abbott’s terrible handling of migrants. I could get Stubb’s, there’s a black person right there on the label, but I don’t know anything about their ownership, and I don’t want to come off as performative. I know Sriracha is AAPI owned, but I don’t want people to think I’m fetishizing Asian culture.”

“Ultimately I just bought some raisins instead, it felt like the most culturally sensitive and authentic move for me as a white man at that moment,” he added.

Locals at the store who witnessed Foley’s indecision were mildly annoyed by his presence.

“I was waiting to get past him for about five minutes,” said local shopper Cynthia Paul “He was just standing there stroking his beard like he was in deep thought. Then he would lie down in the middle of the aisle mumbling ‘I don’t know, I just don’t know.’ When I finally nudged past him, he didn’t even say ‘excuse me,’ he just asked me how I thought Toni Morrison would feel about a hot sauce label he had been looking at.”

Cashier Kenneth Beck helped Foley finalize his purchases, and was subjected to multiple questions

“I didn’t actually see him in the aisle, but he was definitely a little strange while checking out. He saw that I’m Black and thought I’d be an expert on every single item in the store,” explained Beck, who had begun work as a cashier at that location only a few weeks prior. “He noticed that the customer behind him had a bottle of Trini Pepper Sauce, pulled me aside, and asked if I thought it would be insensitive for ‘someone like [him]’ to own a hot sauce with a label that uses that term. All I could think to say was ‘I’m sure they’d appreciate your business and wished him a good day.”

According to family members Foley has been despondent for the past 48 hours trying to come to terms with the ethics of an African Black Soap purchase he made over the weekend.

Absolute Loser: This Lame-Wad Woman Was Never Bullied in High School

Posted on November 8, 2022 by Dom Turek

When Stephanie McKinley called me an ugly big-nosed freak in 9th grade, I knew I was destined for great things. Who knows where I would be today if I hadn’t been chased through the halls of Lincoln High by a gaggle of hot teens threatening to shove various objects up my “gay ass” day after day, year after year. Probably front row at a Dave Matthews concert chugging white Zinfandel out of a bag.

What kind of sad sack would I be without the PTSD flashbacks of guerrilla-style cyber-bullying attacks? I’ll tell you who; My coworker Melissa Sweeney. With a name like that, you’d think her classmates would’ve jumped at the chance to rebrand her as Smellissa Weenie, but think again. Traditional beauty almost always serves as a barricade to cruelty, and Melissa was no exception.

With her silky blonde hair, perfect physique, and natural charisma, she must have been an impossible target for bullies. The thought of her changing for gym class without the slightest hint of abject fear that someone was about to nickname her Bush Gardens almost makes me sad. It’s incomprehensible to think someone can go through high school without being ridiculed by their peers in a state of complete nudity. What a loser.

Just when I thought I couldn’t feel any worse for her, she told me she was marrying her high school sweetheart. She even showed me pictures from her bachelorette party in Cabo San Lucas, where she and all her girlfriends wore shirts that said “Sip, Sip Hooray,” and “Eat, Drink, and Be Married.” Imagine sleeping with one person who loves you unconditionally for the rest of your life. I’m barely 30 years old and I’ve already slept with twice as many people.

My apologies, but staying in contact with anyone from your high school besides your guidance counselor is a form of emotional stuntedness I cannot relate to. Even though we work the same job, receive the same benefits, and live in similar neighborhoods, I’ll bet my entire rock collection that I lead a much more fulfilling extracurricular lifestyle than she does. What makes me so sure? High school taught me that someone always loses.

Smashing Pumpkins Announce Reunion With Original Billy Corgan

Posted on November 7, 2022 by Jon Wood

CHICAGO — Alternative rock legends Smashing Pumpkins announced that they will be reuniting their founding roster, which includes drummer Jimmy Chamberlin, guitarist James Iha, bassist D’arcy Wretzky, and – much to the delight of long-time fans – original frontman Billy Corgan, who has been conspicuously absent since the band first called it quits in 2000.

“The ‘90s were an unbelievable time for us, everything was going great, and the next thing you know we’re a completely different band whose leader suddenly cares more about making wrestling videos and whining to Alex Jones about poor people who don’t pay any taxes,” said Chamberlin. “But thankfully that was just a phase and we look forward to welcoming back Billy Corgan the tortured virtuoso and insufferable control freak we’ve been missing all these years.”

Among fans nostalgic for the era when Smashing Pumpkins helped to define the alternative category with iconic albums like ‘Gish’ and ‘Siamese Dream,’ the prospect of the band’s return to form has been well-received.

“It’s about goddamn time! Smashing Pumpkins haven’t been good since they replaced Billy Corgan with that smug conservative troll who refused to play any of their hits live,” said fan Sara Chensley. “You’d think that someone who identifies as a ‘free-market libertarian capitalist’ would’ve realized that performing a three-hour set of Zwan B-sides to fans that paid $200 a ticket just to sing along to a couple bangers is not a sound commercial strategy.”

Following the band’s official announcement, Corgan took to Twitter to voice his enthusiastic support.

“Today is the greatest day I’ve ever known! I want to first express my humble appreciation to all the fans, without whom I would be a talentless hack with zero confidence or creative vision. Also, words cannot convey the respect and admiration I feel for my bandmates, who each play their instruments to sober perfection. Teamwork makes the dream work,” said Corgan. “And finally, as a small token of my gratitude, I will be donating my entire share of the proceeds from our upcoming tour to the progressive fight against income inequality and tax breaks for wealthy corporations. Tickets are on sale now, see you on the road!”

At press time, the above tweets have been deleted and the official Smashing Pumpkins website has posted a statement from Billy Corgan announcing that all members of the band have been fired and that the tour will proceed as a solo performance, meaning no refunds will be issued.

Photo by Sven Mandel.

Why I Quit My Job and Left My Wife To Defend Elon Musk Online Full Time

Posted on November 7, 2022 by Zach Hudson

Like Elon Musk, I’m a doer, not a talker. So when I noticed the online attacks against my hero started to ramp up, I knew I could no longer stand idly by, which is why I quit my job and left my wife to defend Elon online full-time.

Of course, I’ve been a white knight to Elon on Twitter and Reddit for years. I can’t tell you how many late nights I’ve argued with strangers on the internet trying to slander his good reputation. But life kept getting in the way. I’d keep getting pulled into Zoom meetings just as I was about to epically destroy far-left haters presenting what some consider “factual, valid criticism of Musk” as if such a thing exists.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when my wife took my phone out of my hands just as I was about to tweet a rage-face comic at some supposed engineer criticizing the new Tesla models because “I was making us later for dinner with her parents” or something like that. I knew then that if I was going to get serious about this work, I had to remove all unnecessary distractions from my life; so I told my boss to shove it, packed my bags, and left my wife.

Not only is defending everything that Musk does the correct and moral thing to do, but it’s also a long-term investment. If you think he doesn’t notice us, his grand army of white knights, you’re wrong. And one day we will reap the rewards. Everyone thought I was crazy for quitting a job I could have gotten a full pension from, but that’s not going to matter once I’m living on the Mars colony.

Hell, I bet if I work really hard, Elon will waive my $8 monthly Twitter verification fee. I’ll of course be donating it to SpaceX though.

Sure, I miss my wife. Sometimes I get lonely being in this motel room I’ve been living in, but the truth is I’ve been so busy scrolling Reddit comments in search of Elon haters that I’ve barely noticed she’s gone. This was inevitable anyways. We’ve grown apart over the years. Anytime I’d show her a meme Elon posted, or try to tell her about one of his epic trolls, she wasn’t interested. It was clear that our values no longer aligned.

Elon hasn’t responded to any of the screenshots I’ve sent showing him the libtards I’ve destroyed, but that’s just because he’s been so busy with the Twitter deal. He notices me, and when he’s not so busy he’ll reply and tell me that I’m a good boy. He will. I just know he will.

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