Band’s Pre-Show Huddle Mainly Just Prayer That Allegations Don’t Come Out

Posted on by Doug Kolic

DETROIT – Local band Affirmation Rising revealed that their traditional pre-show huddle mainly consists of prayers that serious allegations about them don’t come out, confirmed sources already trying to distance themselves from the band.

“Back when we first started we would pray that the show went well, but lately our pre-show huddles are less about channeling positive energy and more about praying to God that all the bad shit we’ve done doesn’t get exposed,” stated the band’s bassist Tre Muncy. “Part of me wishes I could admit what we’ve done, but to be honest I’m in way too deep. Plus, I really need this gig, otherwise I won’t be able to pay alimony, child support, or all that hush money for that thing I did in upstate New York back in ‘98.”

Jack Bennington, a crew member who witnessed the band’s odd backstage behavior at a recent show, described what he saw.

“At first the band did what normal groups do and held hands in a circle while bowing their heads in what looked like a heartfelt prayer to the Almighty,” said Bennington. “But then I overheard the singer ask the Lord to protect them from all the crimes they had to cover because of some ‘woke culture being out of control’ and some bullshit about how ‘the definition of consent was different 15 years ago.’ Even more strange is that after their prayer they all talked ad nauseam about being atheists. It’s like they weren’t even religious at all.”

Local priest Father Walter Potter explained how it’s more common than people realize for musicians to ask a higher power to protect them from their mortal sins.

“You’re asking me, a priest, if people ask God to protect them from serious criminal allegations?” chuckled Potter. “Ah yeah, it happens all the time. So often in fact, that God is usually too preoccupied sorting through the BS requests to keep a drummer’s DUI quiet or to sweep a church band’s sexual misconduct under the rug, that he’s too busy for anything else. Now if you’d excuse me, we’re having our daily prayer huddle here in a few minutes for, uh, unrelated reasons.”

At press time, police were investigating the band after a new song they performed at their last show contained vivid details about a decades-old murder that only the real killers could have known.

All My Roommate’s Excuses for Not Doing the Dishes Ranked

Posted on by Chris Jones

We’ve all heard excuses for not doing the dishes and even gave them ourselves at one point or another. It’s only human to not want to spend your brief moments of bliss away from work cleaning dishes after already wasting so much time cooking. Nevertheless, we all learn to accept the misery by sucking it up and just doing the fucking dishes when push comes to shove. Unless of course, you happen to be the asshole who lives with me.

My roommate will go above and beyond to make sure he never does the dishes, even when crafting his excuses for not doing them is far more work itself.

Let’s rank the best of the best:

10: Dishes are like jeans – so they don’t need to be washed every time.
This is of course bullshit, but it does explain why he seems to have permanent swamp ass.

9: They Need to soak
It’s been 3 weeks. They are soaked. Some of them are rusting, actually.

8: He smoked me out at least once this week so I can actually pay him back by doing them myself.
I didn’t realize the resin hit I accepted out of politeness was transactional, cool.

7: He’s “getting ready” to see Hoobastank.
Apparently, I underestimate the level of physical and spiritual preparedness involved in watching Hoobastank rock the shit out of the free stage at the county BBQ festival, which was the FOLLOWING weekend mind you.

6: He was busy filling in as dungeon master for a crucial D&D campaign.
Apparently doing the dishes would break the “immersion” of the game. Thanks a lot, Stranger Things.

5: The Queen just died
All of a sudden he’s at least a quarter English and needs to take the day off from responsibilities to play FIFA, order Chicken Tikka, and process. Cheeky.

4: It’s 9/11
At least this one has to do with the actual country he lives in, but has this dingus forgotten that he told me time and time again that 9/11 was an inside job? Maybe that makes the day even sadder for him?

3: That kitchen is haunted, bro
His ouija board and tarot cards confirmed there’s a ghost in the kitchen so he’s playing it safe. Last month his ouija board also claimed it was best to pay rent on the 9th, not the 1st like it says in the lease agreement.

2: He’s an alien abduction survivor.
He’s not even bothering tying this one to the dishes, it’s just a thing he says when I bring them up sometimes.

1: “I don’t really eat food.”
He said this to me, just now. Looked me dead in the I and said it. I’m just gonna throw the shit away unless goodwill takes donations caked in 5-week old chili residue. Fuck this guy.

Teen Grounded for Referring to Tegan and Sara as Gay Elders

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local teenager Lauren Sneden has been grounded by her moms for calling indie-rock sibling duo Tegan and Sara “gay elders,” sources in her “close friends” Instagram circle report.

“This is literally the worst and dumbest shit ever,” Sneden said while furiously thumb-typing on her phone. “My moms act all understanding and forgiving and progressive or whatever, and then they pull this on me. I’m not allowed to go out after school for a whole week, and they hid my Switch, too. Like, I’m sorry you’re ancient, but Tegan and Sara are like, at least 35 now. Which counts as crazy old. And I’m just trying to show my respect for the lesbian community and tell people to listen to them because they have more ‘lived experience.’ I’m not going to apologize for telling the truth, Deborah.”

One of Sneden’s mothers, Deborah Melville, was quick to explain her reasoning for the harsh sentence.

“Lauren needs to learn that we do not tolerate ageism in this house,” Melville said, her arms crossed and pierced eyebrow arched. “While I can understand her argument that ‘elders’ is a term of deference in this context, the fact of the matter is that Tegan and Sara are 41, and I’m turning 45 this year, so therefore, she’s calling me and her mother elderly. There was a distinct snark to her tone, too, and she needs to realize that sass will get you nowhere in life. And oh, my god, ‘So Jealous’ came out the year before she was born. Jesus fucking Christ.”

Gretchen Anderson, a family therapist, offered her expert insight on the matter.

“Teen brains are hardwired to annoy adults by calling people younger than their parents ‘old,’” stated Anderson matter-of-factly. “In Lauren’s case, she genuinely, chemically, can’t help it. She’s 17. She has no choice but to really rub her moms’ noses in it. Next thing you know, she’ll start lamenting the fact that Billie Eilish will be able to legally drink soon, and that makes her practically the crypt keeper.”

At press time, Sneden was angrily texting her mother Sappho’s Wikipedia page, stating that she finally found an artist that rivals her in age.

Review: AFI “Bodies”

Posted on by James Knapp

This week we decided to take a look at AFI’s trace-punk opus “Bodies,” and in the process we were whisked away on a magical journey to a far-off and frightening land called Spooky World. Here’s our tale.

Near immediately after the first note of the album sounded we were interrupted by a talking crow, who cacawed that we should follow it to fulfill the prophecy. Seeing as we didn’t have much else to do that day, we agreed and the crow grasped us in its crow’s feet (we think they’re called bird hooks) and flew us into the horizon.

After several minutes, which from our perspective seemed to encompass the totality of recurring eternities, we arrived in a dark and hollow land the crow told us was called Spooky World. It also told us that Spooky World had come under constant threat by an insidious necromancer named Devil Dan.

“You see,” the crow explained, “Spooky World requires a precise balance of spookification to maintain itself, and Devil Dan has been trying to upset that balance to out-spook the Goblin Lords, the rightful rulers of Spooky World. Every night, which is all the time because it’s always night here, Devil Dan sends out his army of pumpkin apes to attack the cobweb people of south Spooky World, and spread about the witchroot plague to every corner of the land.”

It was at this point that we told the crow to hold the fuck on because that all sounds like way too much and, let’s be frank, kind of like none of it was real or sane. We argued with the crow for a bit before just giving up and informing it we really had to get back to the office so we could finish our “Bodies” review.

“Oh crap,” the crow gasped. “You’re reviewing ‘Bodies!’ I meant to grab the guy reviewing ‘The Art of Drowning.’”

We all had a good laugh after realizing the crow’s mistake and he gladly returned us to The Hard Times offices promptly. It was an odd journey that we took to Spooky World, but one we will surely not forget anytime soon.

Anyways though, “Bodies” – eh, it’s alright.

SCORE: 3 out of 5 talking crows

/**/

Metal Band Rushes to Take Promo Photos in Front of Burning House Before Fire Department Puts It Out

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

NARBERTH, Pa. — Local thrash metal outfit Gore Primordial hastily threw together an impromptu photo shoot when it was discovered a destructive house fire had broken out across town, friends of the band report.

“We had been really desperate to get a photo of the band in front of a really heinous fire,” Gore Primordial drummer Myra Byrd said after recovering from smoke inhalation. “We bought a police scanner and kept listening for when a real scorcher came over the radio. We missed out on a few because our bassist Cecil was at work and by the time we got there it was just piles of wet wood. This time we were ready and got a great picture just as the flames burst through the top story window.”

The fire department, however, was not particularly pleased with the band’s attempts.

“We have had a really curious rash of fires in recent weeks,” Narberth Fire Department Battalion Chief Emilio Campbell said after extinguishing the blaze and saving the life of a small child. “But whenever a fire breaks out these kids call 911 and ask if we can wait to put it out until they all get there. I will say that it is a real coincidence that these fires started just a few weeks before this band is set to release their new album. Somehow they all have alibis and are vouched for by the same Taco Bell employee every single time. Seems suspicious.”

Public relations expert Becky Caldwell applauded the band’s ingenuity.

“Pyrotechnics and controlled fires are actually really expensive and difficult to coordinate,” Caldwell explained. “If you can get the same shot in the wild, you are going to save tons of cash. Many bands on a budget go guerilla style by photographing poverty-stricken areas, the homeless, protest riots, and dive bar patrons. It saves you money and gives you a sense of gritty realism.”

As of press time Gore Primordial was seen loitering around the local cemetery in hopes of capturing a funeral for their next album cover.

I Just Want a Woman Who Cooks, Cleans, and Will Kill Me

Posted on by Ted Pillow

It’s a bizarre fact of the human condition that we crave things that are bad for us – drinking booze, driving fast cars, smoking cigarettes, listening to Sublime. We can’t help it.

But my most self-destructive impulse? Well, it’s a little specific. I want a woman who will serve me a home-cooked meal, dust the living room, and help me shuffle off this mortal coil by putting Anthrax in my retainer.

I guess you could say this whole sick fantasy is my kink. I’m just looking for a lady willing to put up with 6 to 9 months of domestic servitude before she takes me out and inherits my savings. It’s kind of like a sugar daddy situation, except I’m 34 and only have $460 in my bank account.

Look, I’m not proud of my old-fashioned urges. It’s not like I want to be re-affirming traditional gender roles and conserative family values. But the only way I can ever see myself settling down is with a charming young woman with conventional ideas about romance and a very open-minded stance towards bludgeoning me with a fire poker.

This probably all traces back to growing up in a very stifling, conformist household. Dad broke his back all day at the doorknob factory and when he got home, he expected to be welcomed by his wife and kids with a hot dinner on the table. It may not work for every family, but it sure worked for us. Well, at least it did until dad was mysteriously found face-down in the swimming pool on the same night mom booked a bus ticket to Mexico and was never heard from again. That sure was weird.

So basically, I’m looking to recreate that magic. The good news is I’m not looking for any big commitments – I get the chills just thinking about long-term relationships! Yikes, lol.

No, I’m willing to settle for a few weeks of marital bliss before we go our separate ways. You, $460 richer (minus expenses) and free to go where you please. Me, fed through a woodchipper Fargo-style. And they said romance was dead!

Could Your Landlord Be a Ruthless Piece of Shit? Take Our One-Question Quiz

Posted on by Sam Eardley

Renting a property can be a minefield. If it’s the only option available to you, the best case scenario is to find a landlord who charges you a fair rent, treats you with decency, and is perhaps played by James Stewart circa 1946. But what if you’ve ended up with a ruthless piece of shit instead?

As much as you might want to believe that such landlords only exist in bad soap operas and okay pornos, there is unfortunately evidence that some of them exist in real life too.

Don’t panic prematurely. We have designed a rigorous one-question quiz that will give you an accurate picture of your situation and then you can panic. Okay, here we go!

Question 1.
Does your landlord own your property, and do they charge you to live in that property?

A: Yes

B: Yup

C: Mhmm

D: Yeah

If you answered mostly “A” –
I’m afraid it’s bad news – your landlord is a ruthless piece of shit. Earning four times your wage, while being flush with savings and assets, this nugget of feces doesn’t care if you live or die. (Unless he put a callous $1 wager on “die” with a fellow landlord).

If you answered mostly “B” –
Tough break – your landlord claims they don’t want to keep raising your rent to match the skyrocketing “market rates”, but “the invisible hand of the market” is “literally forcing them to!” Consider an exorcist or an all-out anarchist revolution.

If you answered mostly “C” –
Phew. Living in a rent-stabilized property means you’re largely protected against the greed of a rapacious landlord. Only joking! They’ve bought or forced out all your neighbors, and if you don’t also move they’ll schedule overnight construction work on either side of you for the next eight months. (While still not fixing your fucking toilet).

If you answered mostly “D” –
Oh shit, you got evicted! Sorry you had to find this out during an online quiz. In the time it took to read this far, some amoral shit-for-a-heart at your corporate landlord’s office unticked a box and now you live in your car.

Sorry if that didn’t go your way! Next time remember to go for the secret answer “E” – “Fate’s fickle hand blessed me financially and I am lucky enough to exist outside this exploitative hellscape”.

Anarchist Cookbook Begins With 12 Pages of How Author Fell in Love With Making Molotov Cocktails

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

MILAGRO, N.M. — The latest edition of “The Anarchist Cookbook” reportedly begins with 12 pages describing how the author fell in love with making Molotov cocktails, exhausted sources confirmed.

“They just go on and on about how he has fond memories building homemade bombs with his grandma, and how his mom built him his first land mine, and all this other bullshit,” said local punk and shit-stirrer Claudia Smith. “We just want to know how to fuck shit up, not learn your life story. Jesus Christ. I got 7 pages in before I completely lost interest in learning how to optimally huck a flaming bottle of gas into the principal’s office. So instead of playing a senior prank, I just dropped out. Fuck it.”

The publisher had asked the late author’s brother Steve Powell to write the lengthy introduction for the latest edition.

“These kids today just don’t appreciate DIY explosion manufacturing history like they used to,” said Powell as he served a 20-year sentence for arson. “That recipe was passed down over generations and I won’t apologize for how much it means to our family. Sure, you could just jump to the recipe and get started, but you’d only get a fraction of the context. Did you know they used to make Molotov cocktails from cured sheep stomachs, old whiskey, and whale oil? In fact, my great grandfather was the first one to say ‘let’s put something super explosive into an everyday household object that will also shatter and really maim passersby.’ I’m proud to tell my family’s rich story through recipes for makeshift explosives.”

The book’s publisher weighed in on the controversial new edition.

“You’d be surprised at how many books you can sell when you add a mere 10ish extra pages of content to it years later,” said publisher Serena Clark. “Up until the nineties most people thought that the book was illegal and you’d be arrested if you were caught with it, so naturally when they saw a new edition in a store they snatched it up. However, reviews so far are about as bad as that time we published the ‘Unabomber Manifesto’ from notorious domestic terrorist Ted Kaczynski. Who knew manifestos weren’t literary moneymakers?”

At press time, Smith decided to avoid the book’s bullshit introduction altogether and learn recipes for explosive devices from Reddit.

FEAR to Perform in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Now That 40-Year NBC Ban Completed

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NEW YORK — Pioneering California punk band FEAR will appear in this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade now that the 40-year ban assigned by NBC after their controversial 1981 Saturday Night Live performance expired, confirmed sources who claim they were “totally at the original taping.”

“In the spirit of the season, we here at NBC are of the mindset that it’s time to let bygones be bygones,” said current NBC president Noah Oppenheim. “FEAR has obviously been on our shortlist for the parade for a while now, and we’re glad that pesky SNL ban is no longer standing in the way of bringing their music to hundreds of happy parade-goers this Christmas season. Together, FEAR and NBC will ensure everyone who watches will ‘Love Thanksgivin’ In The City’ because ‘New York is Alright if You Like Large Parade Floats and Previews of Broadway Shows.’”

Longtime frontman and the only constant member of FEAR throughout their 45-year history, Lee Ving is already preparing for the performance.

“Oh yes, we’re very happy to be playing in ‘New Jersey’ once again,” joked Ving, with a twinkle in his eye. “And there’s no bad blood, as far as we’re concerned, you know? As a longtime fan of the Macy’s Parade, me and the band couldn’t be more thrilled. We’ve got a prime spot right before the Pikachu balloon, and the only decision we have to make is whether to play ‘I Believe I’ll Have Another Beer’ or the rendition of ‘Winter Wonderland’ we’ve been working on…Aw, heck, who am I kidding; Santa will be watching! We may play both!”

Members of frequent Macy’s Parade musical guests and easy-listening chart-toppers Mannheim Steamroller are excited to share the airwaves.

“We’ve been trying to get Lee to collaborate on a Christmas album for years, ever since our bassoonist brought ‘The Record’ into the studio to get us revved up between takes of recording ‘Fresh Aire III,’” said Steamroller founder Chip Davis. “They’ve been a huge influence on our sound…the stuff that isn’t synthesizers and orchestra stuff, that is. We’re honored to finally be on the same parade route as the legendary FEAR. I definitely know what I’m thankful for this year.”

Responding to the rumors that he’ll reprise his SNL audience slam dancing duties on FEAR’s float, Ian Mackaye states he’d like to, but is double booked that day with Fugazi reuniting to play the halftime show of the annual Detroit Lions Thanksgiving game.

Parents Convinced World Is Ending Still Want to Know When You’re Giving Them Grandchildren

Posted on by Kevin Tit

WASHINGTON — Your parents, who have spent every waking moment for the past 20 years preparing for the end of humanity, once again asked when you’re planning on giving them grandchildren, multiple sources confirmed.

“Pandemics, droughts, and wildfires are just the beginning of the end. We’re one shower away from going to war for water and I don’t think I’d be a responsible parent to bring a kid into this hellscape,” you said while cleaning out your cat’s litter box. “The planet is just going to keep getting warmer and in like ten years it’ll be too hot to go outside without instantly bursting into flames. I’m barely able to afford running my air conditioner as it is, I can’t fathom the thought of my child literally melting on the street!”

Your mother, although understanding of your concerns, does not know why that’s stopping you from starting a family.

“The world has been ending long before you were born and look; you turned out fine,” your mother said as she put away her groceries from Costco. “Sure, there weren’t shootings at schools, or concerts, or movie theaters back then but there’s always something going on. Remember Y2K!? It’s no reason to abstain from having children. We deserve some grandbabies! I know you’re working three jobs, seven days a week but the gift of new life is worth so much more than paying off your little student loans.”

Experts have been studying the recent trend in tension between aging parents and their adult children.

“There is a clear correlation between the rapid decline in our national birth rate and an increase in rocky relationships with parents,” said Yale professor Dr. Sandra Callie. “Parents are having trouble accepting a reality where their kids are riddled with chronic anxiety brought on by social media, mass shootings, and the climate crisis. To them, their kids are just soft, weak, little wussies. This is a belief every generation carries about the younger generation-spanning back to the dawn of time. There’s an old saying that’s popular amongst my colleagues and it’s that ‘Parents just don’t understand.’”

At press time, your grandfather was complaining at dinner about your mother forcing him to start recycling over the last three years only to recently discover most of it ends up in the ocean.