Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Sex Offender Going Door to Door Telling Neighbors He’s Running for Congress

Posted on November 7, 2022 by Sean Fallon

TAMPA, Fla. — Registered sex offender Owen Blevins repeated a familiar process of going door to door in his local suburb, but this time it is to inform neighbors that he is running for Congress, apathetic sources confirm.

“After I was sentenced I felt lost. I wasn’t able to coach middle school volleyball anymore, I couldn’t mentor kids at the playground, my life had no purpose,” said Blevins, who has numerous convictions related to sexual offenses and is polling well with Republicans in his home state of Florida. “No one would hire me, my family looked down on me, and my friends didn’t return my calls. I was watching the bills pile up when, in the end, I realized the only job I could get with my record was in government. I started a grassroots campaign on Facebook by claiming all Democrats eat children. I started gaining a pretty loyal following and I knew I had to throw my hat in the ring.”

The few normal residents in Blevin’s neighborhood shared their concerns at the weekly meeting of the cul-de-sac watch group that was set up after he moved into town.

“We always knew there was something weird about him from the first moment we met him,” said Phoebe McIntyre, Blevins’ next-door neighbor and owner of the bushes Blevins often hides in to watch the school buses arrive. “But even with his creepiness, soaking wet handshakes, and general unlikability we never could have thought he would be anything as disgusting as a potential Congressman. To be completely honest, I wish I was actually a little more surprised. This feels a touch too expected.”

Local Republican political leaders are reportedly delighted with Blevins’ efforts in the run-up to this year’s important midterm elections.

“This kind of door-to-door, burning shoe leather campaigning is exactly what the GOP needs in these modern digital times. With everything from abortion rights to inflation, we need all the help we can get, ” said Ross Reagan, head of the Tampa Republicans and two time “guest” on Chris Hansen’s “To Catch a Predator.” “Actually, thinking about it, I don’t remember him ever claiming to be a Republican, but come on…the odds are pretty good. Nearly 100%.”

Sex trafficker and politician Matt Gaetz couldn’t be reached for his take on these events, because he is inexplicably still in office and probably going to run for President in 2024.

Studio Orders Two More Kids from Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke

Posted on November 7, 2022 by Kyle Stanley

BURBANK, Calif. — Executives at Columbia Pictures ordered the production of two more children from the talented loins of Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke thanks to the ongoing success of their daughter and “Stranger Things” star Maya Hawke, confirmed industry insiders.

“The ascent of Maya Hawke has made one thing clear; the combination of a vulnerable ninja goddess and an unshaven slacker fuckboy will generate a bonafide film and television star,” said Beth Lipschulz, Columbia’s VP of Forced Birth. “Maya can do anything either of her parents can do — from spending a contemplative day with Julie Delpy to killing dozens of men in a restaurant. And if her parents’ next litter has half of Maya’s ability, we’ll be raking in awards until we die in an avalanche of money in one of our dozens of palatial estates.”

A representative for the family says the couple is hopeful they can begin work in the early parts of next year.

“Uma and Ethan have been divorced for nearly 16 years, but they know when they come together they produce quality content. Even at their ages, they are confident they have what it takes for a Maya sequel. Columbia has access to the best medical teams in the country, and who can forget that it was Ethan and Uma who pioneered the Gattaca ‘Perfect Child’ DNA Kit back in ‘97,” said family friend Ralph Ored. “Their respective agents are already in negotiations with how to conceive a new child. Ethan is fighting hard for traditional insemination through intercourse, while Uma is pushing for some sort of medical intervention with limited physical touch. Either way, we are excited.”

Child advocacy groups are so far unsure of which side to take on the issue.

“I can’t reconcile the horror of a studio owning a human life with how awesomely badass that life would be,” said Ethel Forsythe of Jerry’s Other Kids, a watchdog for the welfare of young actors. “They’ll be at cooler parties at age seven than I was at 23, and I’m from Silver Lake. The cocaine they’ll be offered in middle school won’t be cut with fuckin’ anything. Pure as the fallen snow. Group sex. Yachts. Know what? Fuck these asshole kids.”

At press time, a viable fetus has been confirmed by a Columbia Pictures publicist. The notes process will now begin and rewrites of the DNA will be ordered as needed.

Landlord Charges Tenant For Extra Hour Gained From Switch Back to Standard Time

Posted on November 6, 2022 by Tony Morse

PORTLAND, Ore. — An innovative Rose City landlord demanded additional compensation from one of his tenants for the extra hour of rental home possession she captured when the West Coast returned to Pacific Standard Time, exploited sources confirmed.

“Yeah, this isn’t as bad as when I had to give my dog away because I couldn’t afford the increase in pet rent, but it still just shows how fucked up this system is,” said nickel and dimed renter Jenny Stafford. “I’ve been spending all my days off work doing DoorDash to deal with how much my rent went up last year, so I was really looking forward to that extra hour of sleep from ‘Fall Back.’ But then a process server showed up with some notice that said if I didn’t pay $1,850 immediately, the cops would charge me with trespassing. I asked my landlord if he could give me a credit for that hour we lost last Spring, and he told me what a shame it would be if all the landlords in town knew I was such a problem tenant. Oh well, I guess I can pawn my engagement ring again.”

Stafford’s landlord was dismissive of her remonstrances and attributed responsibility for his business practices to the actions of elected officials.

“If these tyrannical extremists in government didn’t put caps on how much I could increase rent every year, I wouldn’t have to pay lawyers thousands of dollars to find workarounds to make up the difference,” remarked local housing magnate Taylor Swarthmore while starting up his brand new Range Rover. “Thanks to commie trade unionists, employers have to pay whiny employees time-and-a-half if they work one second past 40 hours in a week, so I’m not sure how this is any different. This isn’t about money, it’s about principles of fairness and equity for anyone hard-working enough to have inherited multiple properties like myself.”

Political commentators worried this dispute could spill over into ongoing dialogue surrounding Daylight Savings Time reform.

“Those who want permanent DST will start yelling about this next,” opined Josh Barro between bites of his mayonnaise sandwich. “Changing clocks is disrupting rental markets, they’ll say. You know what screws with the housing supply? Forcing people to wake up in the dark more days of the year. They’ll never get out of bed or leave home at all, and there’ll never be a goddamn rental vacancy ever again.”

Swarthmore is currently researching how he could justify a $1,500 rental increase due to the fact scientists say the days on Earth are getting longer by about 0.000018 seconds each year.

Bon Iver Show Drowned Out By Man Loudly Eating Potato Chips

Posted on November 6, 2022 by Bobby Korec

MADISON, Wis. — Indie folk artist Bon Iver’s recent show at the Iron Plaid was completely drowned out by the sound of some guy eating a bag of potato chips during the set, side-eyed sources confirmed.

“I couldn’t even hear the soft whispers of Bon’s voice over the grotesque sounds of some dude chewing with his mouth wide open,” said showgoer Juliette Burns before providing a demonstration of what it sounded like at the time. “It wasn’t just the crunching sounds either. I’m talking smacking lips, licking fingertips, rifling through the bag, and even releasing an audible ‘Mmmmm’ after every other swallow. You know, all the boisterous elements that involve eating potato chips. It totally ruined my enjoyment of the song ‘Holocene.’ Or maybe it was ‘Skinny Love.’ Honestly, I couldn’t make out anything that was happening on stage through all the chewing sounds. But it did make me suddenly crave a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos for some reason.”

Longtime snacker Rupert Smithe didn’t really see the big deal.

“Nothing complements soft indie folk better than a mouthful of sour cream and onion potato chips,” said Smithe before pulling out his reserve bag of Lays Salt and Vinegar chips that he keeps on him at all times. “That must be why everyone was staring at me instead of Bon Iver the whole time. I just thought they were mad at me for not bringing enough for everyone. Turns out, chips are way louder than an amplified acoustic guitar and the gentle murmurs of one man on stage. Who knew?”

Bon Iver, known by friends and family as Justin Vernon, frequently runs into this issue at his shows.

“Unfortunately, the littlest things will disrupt my otherwise ethereal performances,” said the Grammy-winning musician. “Just last night someone snuck in an entire crudité platter complete with celery, carrots, and a bunch of raw vegetables that I didn’t even know made a sound when you bit into them. As a result, I’m considering implementing a strict ‘no hard foods’ policy at my shows because I simply cannot sing any louder. And I’m really tired of asking the sound guy if I can get less potato chip in the monitor.”

In related news, an Iron and Wine set was recently thwarted by a fan loudly eating a Granny Smith apple.

Opinion: Maybe the Sun Should Cut Back on Starbucks and Save Year Round

Posted on November 6, 2022 by Jose Balderas

Like clockwork, here comes the Sun telling us we can go back to “Standard Time” as if it’s doing us a favor. First off, when was the last time the sun ever did anything for us? Second, and listen up Sun, if you want to save daylight, stop asking us to bail you out every year only to come back around to the other side of our planet asking for more.

You want to save more daylight? Stop indulging yourself in whatever luxuries you obviously can’t afford because we all know you’re just gonna come back next year asking for more. Cut down on the Starbucks. use public WI-FI. We can’t keep giving you handouts if you can’t learn to keep your savings.

My parents taught me the hard-earned lesson of time management. I knew when to get up, when to eat, when to come back inside after playing, and when it was appropriate to ask for more time. You know when that was? Never. Because if I did, it meant I wasn’t being a responsible son.

Why can’t the Sun just save a little each time it comes out? Maybe put away a few minutes of daylight here and there. Why do we need to work on its schedule to accommodate its needs? I don’t ask it to stretch the day when I need to finish some housework or need a few more minutes to make my podiatrist appointment. Get some time management skills, sun. The moon never asks for shit. It shows up, does some stuff with the tides, and goes home. It doesn’t come groveling every year asking for more moonlight.

Of course, I do enjoy the so-called “extra hour” of sleep when we fall back but in reality, it’s just the hour I already paid into earlier in the year. You’re getting your own hour back, people! I, for one, will not succumb to the demands of a greedy sun looking for a handout. I intend to keep my hard-earned hour year round.

Review: RZA “Bobby Digital in Stereo”

Posted on November 6, 2022 by John Danek

Every Sunday, we dig into the archives to review a classic album. This week, we are taking a look at Wu-Tang Clan leader RZA’s solo album “Bobby Digital in Stereo.”

This epic sci-fi sequel picks up right where the previous entry “Bobby Digital in Mono” ended with its dramatic cliffhanger. To recap: As the year 1930 comes to a close, precocious teen audio engineer Robert Bartholomew Digital, aka Bobby Digital, just slapped a dying Thomas Edison across the face while calling him a “bitch.” In that exact moment of palm-to-cheek contact, Bobby had a vision of music emanating from not just one speaker, but two in a left-right configuration to match the placement of each human ear. The vision overwhelms the boy and he faints.

After its brief intro, “Bobby Digital in Stereo” begins with a chapter titled “B.O.B.B.Y.” where some of Edison’s employees and maids are fanning Bobby, trying to rouse him. When he finally opens his eyes and begins making some coherent groans, the group asks him if he knows his own name. He is initially unresponsive but eventually is able to recall and even spell his own name. They have a massive sex orgy to celebrate. Afterward, Bobby runs out, ecstatic with his new idea.

The next few chapters drag a bit, as they detail Bobby’s process of attempting to devise a way to carry two separate audio signals on a vinyl record at the same time. There is a minor diversion with “Terrorist,” where a disillusioned Bobby quits the audio research field entirely to join a group of right-wing paramilitary fighters in pre-Franco Spain. Eventually, he returns and is able to get the new technology to work. The new technology shocks people. In a public demonstration at the World’s Fair, Mr. Digital plays the sound of a train moving left to right; many in attendance hit the floor, thinking they are about to get struck by a train. He sells his new technology to various companies, making millions in the process.

But unfortunately, an error on the patent application leads to Bobby Digital’s stereo creation becoming public domain. He quickly loses his money. When he is down to his final dollar in his pocket, he daydreams about what it means to have 1 dollar vs. 0 dollars. In this moment, he is struck with a vision. Can the entire world be represented with 1’s and 0’s?

The series concludes with Part 3: “Bobby Digital in Digital.”

SCORE: 6/7.1 Channels of Surround Sound

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Band Releases Signature Coffee Beans to Let Fans Know They’re Done Making Good Music

Posted on November 5, 2022 by Mark Hassenfratz

RENO, Nev. – Local doom metal darlings Swamp Creatures released their new signature coffee beans to let their fans they’re absolutely done making good music, sources close to the band confirmed.

“Listen, this has been a long time coming and I want to be honest with our fans,” said frontman Blake Kurtz. “We’ve been running out of steam since we dropped our 2014 record, ‘Swamp Creatures Strike Back.’ We’re certainly not getting any younger and neither are our fans, so this just seems like the best way for us to get some cash without going into the studio again. The signature Bog Monster Blend is inspired by everything our band is about–the need for energy on long tours, giving our fans a quality product they’re gonna love, and diversifying our income streams so we can all pay down our credit card debts.”

Fans expressed a mixture of excitement and sadness at the bands announcement.

“I’ve loved Swamp Creatures since I was in high school, man,” said self-proclaimed superfan Ian Taylor. “As great as it was to see them on their reunion tour, it’s really nice to know I don’t have to get my hopes up about the quality of their new releases anymore. The coffee’s great, too! I have it every morning to remind myself it’s ok to let things you love die.”

Food and drink blogger Casey Carmichael remarked that Swamp Creature’s latest business venture is part of a much larger trend.

“It’s definitely become more commonplace for bands to release a coffee blend when they’re ready to give up, creatively speaking,” Carmichael said while throwing away a full bag of Bog Monster blend sent to him as PR. “Studies have shown that as fans age, they’re more likely to buy whatever thing their favorite band slaps their name on. It’s a perfectly sound decision for a band rapidly running out of ideas.”

At press time, the band members of Swamp Creatures were seen brainstorming ideas for their collaboration with a local brewery.

10 Things My Girlfriend Said at Her First Metal Show

Posted on November 5, 2022 by Zachary Wolf

My girlfriend Liz recently attended her first metal show, and here are 10 things she said.

It’s Nice Not to Have to Wait in Line for the Bathroom

Metal isn’t known as the most welcoming genre to women, and for good reason. One barrier that metal (unintentionally) kicks down is women’s room waiting times, according to my girlfriend. Liz had popped a squat, grabbed a beer, and was already working on her next expedited trip to the bathroom while I still scrolled on my phone in line for the men’s room.

I Should Ask That Guy Where He Got His Perm

More than once I caught Liz’s eyes wandering over the course of the show. Not at other guys, mind you, but at the sheer number of their perms. It was a hair-sprayed, blow-dried, and teased crowd to be sure. The headbanger in front of us had a ramen noodle helmet so stiff it never moved an inch the whole night.

Nobody Has Sleeves

Liz pointed out that a lot of the guys had not only cut off the sleeves of their shirts, but many of them had removed the sleeves from their denim and leather jackets as well. She questioned why you would cut the sleeves off your shirt and then put a thicker layer on top of that. Once I explained to her that it was to create more space to cram metal patches onto, she understood.

Is There a Deodorant Shortage?

One major downside to the lack of sleeves in a packed, sweaty room is the overwhelming stench of moshing dudes. Your average metal show features a unique blend of armpit, cigarettes, beer, weed, and God knows what else. Still not as putrid as a Leftover Crack gig, though the majority of that rankness emanates from their lead singer Stza.

Do They Use All of Those Drums?

The first thing Liz noticed when she saw the stage was an enormous drum kit under a tarp towering over three additional, albeit smaller kits on the floor of the stage. This one I fully agree with, because you only ever heard the crash cymbal and the snare, so those drummers could have taken the entire night off for all we know.

These Guys Definitely Take Longer to get Ready Than I Do

Metalheads like to get themselves all done up and go dance with, and in competition with, one another. Not unlike a common show bird. “I guarantee all of these macho meatheads spent more time in front of the mirror today than I have all week,” proclaimed Liz, and she wasn’t wrong. Many metal dudes put a lot of time and effort into looking like they don’t give a shit, present Hard Times authors included.

If The Singer Has to Ask the Crowd to Mosh, is it Still Metal?

Every metal show experiences the sad, pitiful moment when a lead singer desperately tries to get the arms-folded-and-gently-nodding-along audience members to start bashing into each other. Liz noticed it immediately and was just as cringed out as she should have been. At least they didn’t announce some last-ditch Misfits cover to get the crowd going, thank God.

I’m Not Sure That Song Needed a THIRD Solo

Listen, metal. Let’s be real for a second. Are you listening? Because you have a soloing problem. Now I love to shred as much as anyone, but three solos in the same song is too damn many solos! The soloing was her least favorite part of the show, as she didn’t know what she was supposed to feel during the noodling. Now that I think about it, neither do I.

His Pants Are Tighter Than Mine!

Liz noticed that metal dudes either have super tight black jeans or baggy pants with a bunch of random pockets and squares and chains and stuff. I considered explaining to her the nuanced politics of metal pants, but in the end I decided it wasn’t worth it.

There Are Still Plenty of Small Shirts available at the Merch Table

Liz enjoyed most of the bands, so she stopped by the merch table during some of the free time created by a particularly quick trip to the women’s room. Most metal bands sell out of everything medium and up the first show, and then after that, it’s nothing but smalls and random weird shit. I asked her how she got so many of the sold-out designs, but once I saw a piece of masking tape with an ‘S’ scribbled onto it, I knew.

I Can’t Operate on That Boy, He’s My Son and Also I Am Not a Surgeon

Posted on November 5, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

I know that this is an emergency situation and we here at Sacred Heart Hospital are bound by the Hippocratic Oath to do everything we can to help those in need, but I simply cannot do this. Someone else needs to help that poor young car accident victim. I can’t operate on that boy, because…he is my son! Also, I am not a surgeon.

Truth be told, I shouldn’t have really operated on anyone tonight.

I just wandered in here after a costume party in which I got a little tipsy. You guys let me perform a number of surgeries and even a prostate exam since I have been here, and honestly I think ? I nailed them, but I can’t do that kid. Against the rules.

Just because I drank five sambuca and sodas while dressed as McDreamy from season three of Grey’s Anatomy, wandered out of my office party, walked into Sacred Heart Hospital in search of another sambuca, and into an operating room where a 70-year-old woman was prepped for a laparoscopy, flawlessly inserted a digital rigid endoscope, and had a surgical assistant close her up while the observation deck gave me a round of applause does not mean I can help this boy. He’s my son!

I’m aware it is probably unprofessional to have scrubbed up after the laparoscopy and assumed that a nurse would be bringing me a sambuca to freshen up, only to get called in for a gunshot wound and spend three intense hours telling a dying man that he had never given up on anything and dammit, he’s not going to give up now.

In many ways, I think this reflects more on Sacred Heart hospital than it does on me and my son, who I will not operate on under any circumstances, due to the professional ethics I swore to when I put on this McDreamy costume.

Listen, if you have like, a tonsillectomy that needs doing on a non-family member of mine or maybe some ouzo or even grappa, I’m perfectly willing to stick around, just someone needs to save that boy’s life, who again is my son.

Now how about that ouzo?

Embarrassing: Black Metal Band Unaware They Have Death Metal Name

Posted on November 5, 2022 by Matt McInerney

OSLO, Norway — Members of the black metal band Flesheating Cadaver are reportedly entirely unaware that they have accidentally chosen a death metal name, vicariously embarrassed sources confirmed.

“I love the band. They are one of the most technically impressive black metal bands I’ve ever heard. But if I’m being honest, their name is straight-up humiliating for everyone. It’s like an emo band being called ‘The Beatdown Boys’ or something,” said Jovie Hardin, a diehard fan. “When I try to tell my black metal friends about them, I have to lead with so many caveats that it’s barely worth trying. You try explaining that Flesheating Cadaver really is a true Norwegian black metal band and not some shitty dudes from Tampa. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told, ‘go put on your cargo shorts, poser.’ God, couldn’t they have just picked a name that’s a Lord of the Rings reference or something vaguely antisemitic?”

Members of Flesheating Cadaver seem to be under the impression their name is not only appropriate for their genre, but universally beloved.

“I did come up with the name, and you’re right, I do get questions about it all the time,” said Simen Fraglelock, the band’s longtime bass player. “Questions like, how did you think of it? How come your name is so rad? Or sometimes, I even get more practical questions about it. Like, is the cadaver the one eating the flesh? Or is it more about other people eating the flesh of the cadaver? So I get it. It’s a complex and awesome name that you really need to mull over.”

Anders Shaffer, the band’s tour manager, is tired of explaining the name faux pas.

“We all know it. I just have to work around it at this point. You have no idea how many times I’ve had to apologize. And I don’t even blame these people. Can you imagine thinking you can just pick a name and steal from the rich and deep traditions of the death metal community when you have absolutely no association with the culture?” said Shaffer shaking his head. “Look, I’ve worked with plenty of black metal bands, but I’ve never seen one so culturally insensitive. Racist, sure. Like very, very racist. But so culturally unaware? Never.”

At press time, nu-metal fans on Twitter were clamoring for an apology after live photos surfaced of Flesheating Cadaver clearly wearing chain-adorned JNCO jeans.