Napalm Death Fan Takes “You Only Lasted 20 Seconds” as a Compliment

Posted on by Paulo Patrocinio

NEW YORK — Local Napalm Death fan Mark Dixon is reportedly feeling proud about the comment made by a woman after they engaged in nearly two dozen seconds of sexual intercourse, confirms sexually frustrated source.

“20 seconds is the grindcore gold standard, anything longer than that and you’re trying too hard,” said Dixon as he tried not to dose off. “For me sex should be like a great Napalm Death song. It’s straight to the point, no fooling around. It starts, I scream, we’re done. There is none of that foreplay bullshit, that’s just a waste of energy. The only thing I hate more than a guitar solo is clumsily playing around with someone else’s genitalia. Let’s just blast it out and call it a night.”

The woman, who chose to remain anonymous, recounted her experience with Dixon.

“Usually when this happens the guy always has an excuse about ‘how this never happens’ and ‘how it’s because I’m so gorgeous,’ and it’s really embarrassing for all around. But this guy just asked if it felt as good for me and sort of rolled over, it just seemed like he didn’t give a shit about making it remotely pleasurable,” the woman stated. “I sort of laughed and said ‘you only lasted 20 seconds’ and then he started going on and on about how some of the best songs ever written are right around that long. He still sends me playlists, I need to block him.”

Psychologist and professor Dr. Adam Schneider believe that an individual’s musical preferences can shape their experience and behavior in sexual encounters.

“It’s fascinating how people can have their personalities defined in a very significant way by a really specific style of alternative music that they are passionate about,” shares Dr. Schneider. “One of my patients had been complaining and opening up about the unusually long amount of time it was taking for him to reach sexual climax with his partner. We have been working for months now on this issue, analyzing and discussing his childhood memories and traumas, but what is finally improving his situation is the decrease in 45-minute-long instrumental post-rock songs he listens to in his daily life”

At press time, our source was seen sneaking Godspeed You! Black Emperor albums inside the record sleeves of grindcore bands in Dixon’s collection.

Lonely Man Unaware He is Currently Setting World Record for Onion Dip Consumption

Posted on by Dan Luberto

FAIRFAX, Va. — Local sad sack Mark Curtis unknowingly surpassed the world record for consuming the most French onion dip in a single sitting yesterday, confirmed grossed-out sources.

“The thing about onion dip is that it’s not just good for plain chips you know? People don’t always realize that. I have a deal with the manager at Wegmans where he will sell me as much dip as I need once it’s past its ‘best by’ date. I always clean the place out when that happens,” said Curtis as he slowly approached 1,200 grams of dip. “I’ve dipped literally every snack I got spread out here into this dip and man this shit doesn’t miss. Sometimes my favorite part is just licking the container clean until my tongue gets raw from licking the plastic.”

Long-time friend Jamie Boyd says this is not the first time Curtis has reached miraculous levels of junk food consumption.

“The craziest thing about Mark is he thinks eating shit like this is normal,” said Boyd. “When he gets bored he just zones out and keeps chowing down. He ate two entire wedding cakes during one episode of ‘New Girl’ a few years back. His level of garbage consumption would hospitalize most people and probably make their hearts explode. I remember when Guinness tried to give him the record for most gummy candy eaten while scratching lottery tickets we just told them to please leave.”

A representative from Guinness was sent to peek through the windows to spy on Curtis to make sure all the dip eating was verifiable and within the rules.

“Last week I was watching a group of kids do the world’s biggest round of Double Dutch, now I’m stuck watching this guy eat enough onion dip to feed an entire country. It’s remarkable how I get to see some of the greatest athletes in the world do something that will never be seen again, then next week I’m looking at something so disgusting it should never be mentioned in public,” said Melinda Falls. “But Mr. Curtis transcends all categories. This is a man who lacks any sense of shame, guilt, or self-control and it’s really amazing what he’s able to achieve.”

At press time, Curtis was unknowingly setting his sights on a new world record as he loaded his cart with various frozen pizzas at his local Walmart.

Heartwarming: Woman Receives Apology Email From Childhood Friend She Didn’t Know Was Bullying Her

Posted on by Maggie D’Isa-Hogan

Who says friendship can’t last forever? 32-year-old Linda Carson hadn’t heard from her childhood friend, Anne Hills, in over 20 years when she received an email out of the blue. To her delight, then confusion, then humiliation, Hill apologized for years of mockery that Carson was completely unaware of. Faith in humanity: restored!

Hills began the email with a sincere apology and the assurance that she’s changed a lot since middle school when she posed as Carson’s crush over AOL messenger. She confessed that she’s always regretted convincing her to meet “Kyle” at a Baskin Robbins in the next town over. Both Hill’s incredible vulnerability and the memory of the long bus ride home that night brought tears to Carson’s eyes. All the feels!

Hill went on to apologize for “accidentally” dropping Carson’s inhaler in a porta potty, sending an anonymous email to the PTA warning them that Carson was patient zero of the lice outbreak, and paying Carson several hundred sarcastic compliments over the course of 2 years.

Hill ended her email asking if there was any way Carson could ever forgive her. Carson responded to Hill’s email thanking her for her heartfelt apology and asking if miniskirts over cargo shorts were ever actually in style or if that was a joke too. Hill did not respond.

How much better would the world be if we all had the strength and maturity to own up to our mistakes? Whether it’s Anne Hill growing out of her childish ways or Linda Carson never trusting another human being again, it’s important to remember that everyone is capable of change.

We Sat Down With Our Airbnb Hosts Because if They’re Gonna Leave Us a Review Like That They Better Say It to Our Faces

Posted on by Freelancer

This past weekend we needed a place to crash for the night. We found “Entire Guesthouse in Bowling Green – Cozy & Clean in Kentucky” hosted by Gary and Gina and booked it for $48 a night plus a $34 service fee and a $54 cleaning fee. We’re frugal so we were determined to get our money’s worth.

We showed up around midnight, let ourselves in, and had a typical night. The next morning we left by 8 o’clock. Later that day, we got an email saying Gary and Gina had left us a scathing one star review. That’s why we went back and sat down with our Airbnb hosts to see if they’d say that shit to our faces.

The Hard Times: Hey motherfuckers! Bet you didn’t think we’d read that shit, huh? Get out here!
Gary and Gina: Get off our property!

Ohhhh big tough Airbnb hosts hiding behind their big tough Airbnb. You know what, now we’re glad we left you a lower decker.
We’re calling the cops.

Okay, so admittedly, we didn’t read the check-out instructions in full. But even if we did, if you’re gonna ask us to play maid before we leave, then what the fuck is the cleaning fee for? And frankly, it’s a little bold of you to assume we know how to turn on a washing machine.
This is your last chance, please leave.

As far as the toilet paper stuff, the closet was wide open. We thought we were supposed to help ourselves, like at any other public bathroom that leaves extra rolls unlocked for customers and guests to take.
Hello, 911?

Honestly, it’s fine. Whatever. Cowards.

Local Man Begins Month-Long Process of Listening to Cooler Music to Achieve Presentable Spotify Wrapped

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

FRAMINGHAM, Mass. — Local graphic designer Eddy Dignan adopted a grueling schedule of listening to songs and artists in order to game the Spotify Wrapped statistics to make it look like he prefers much “cooler” music, confirmed sources who helped him curate a playlist.

“Last year was an absolute embarrassment. My top band was Sum 41, my top song was ‘Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous’ by Good Charlotte, and my Audio Aura was ‘impotent divorcee.’ When I shared it everyone just laughed at me, my mom even blocked me on Instagram,” said Dignan while checking to make sure Militarie Gun’s “All Roads Lead to the Gun” played silently on repeat while he slept. “It’s not going to happen again this year. For the next four weeks I’m going to listen to at least six hours of Turnstile a day, I don’t even like the band, but everyone else in the world loves them so I figure it’s a safe bet. I have three of my old iPhones logged into my account playing Dinosaur Jr. and Jawbreaker songs just to make it look like I have a wide variety of musical tastes.”

Dignan’s roommate Tom Cappellini is supportive of the endeavor and has been helping out whenever he can.

“If people think my roommate is a dork that listens to terrible music, then they might think the same about me. I’m here for Eddy. If one of his phones dies, I’ll be there to plug it in. I’m constantly listening to ‘Axe to Grind’ so I can give him new music suggestions, and if any cool bands are playing in Boston I’ll go with him to snap a photo so he can post it,” said Cappellini. “At the end of the day Eddy is a good guy, it’s not his fault that he thinks the new Blink-182 song is their ‘best one yet.’ Some people are just born with bad ears for this stuff.”

Spotify executives are well aware that many users are trying to alter their listening patterns at the last minute to manipulate their Wrapped.

“Cowards. That’s the only word I have for them. If Lou Bega is your favorite artist then fucking live with it. Don’t sit around Googling ‘cool punk bands’ and pretending you listening to 600 hours of their music you little fucking twerp,” said Spotify Director Mona Sutphen. “If we see any suspicious activity on accounts then we will throw out the last four weeks of data and you will be stuck having to show everyone how much late-era Weezer you actually listen to. These people make me physically ill. I wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire.”

At press time, Dignan was creating hundreds of fake Instagram accounts in order to increase engagement on nine photos that didn’t include his ex-girlfriend.

Opinion: It’s Kinda Fucked up That You Got a Restraining Order Just Because I Named My Chainsaw After You

Posted on by John Danek

You’ve really crossed the line this time. Consider my feelings officially hurt. A restraining order?!? Never in my life have I been so insulted.

All I did was name my sweet, sweet new 24” ECHO CS 590 chainsaw after you, and mail a cute postcard to you with each individual letter cut out from different magazines. If anything, you should be honored.

I only name my dearest implements after my favorite people in the world. So what if we “aren’t that close” or “haven’t technically ever met”? I knew from the moment I saw you get a McChicken at the McDonalds off the interstate that we had something special. The following hours watching you only confirmed this further.

Maybe it’s time for you to start learning some gratitude exercises. Do you keep a journal? I do, and it has changed my life. The only downside is that I get lightheaded after refilling the pen with my own blood repeatedly. Still, I believe it has made me a more mindful person and better active listener.

I’m not the one being unreasonable here. Did you ever think that it may be a bit narcissistic to assume that my chainsaw is named after you specifically? Just because it has the same exact name and social security number carved into the blade doesn’t mean everything is about you. There could be a million Marquees Keith Dawson III’s running around Slope County, North Dakota.

Do you know how much this is going to ruin my daily routine? Now that I can’t be within 100 yards of you, how am I going to dip my tongue in your oat milk while you sleep? How am I going to sniff the back of your driver’s seat’s headrest? My whole life is upended just because you think the world revolves around you.

I’m not even supposed to be sending you this letter. But I just can’t keep my feelings to myself. You are toxic. My therapist thinks you may be projecting your own messed up issues onto me. Story of my life.

How Can You Say White People Don’t Like Spices When I Literally Drink Pumpkin Spice Lattes All the Time?

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Excuse me, did you just say white people don’t like spices? Well, how can that be the case when I’m on my third pumpkin spice latte today alone?

Golly gee. The nerve of some people to just assume I don’t like flavor based on the color of my skin. It’s time we move past this as a society.

I mean, yeah, I don’t like chili, parsley, wasabi, curry, oregano, cayenne pepper, rosemary, basil, nutmeg, ginger, thyme, marjoram, bay leaves, salsa, cumin, garlic, onion, sriracha, anything with the word “smokey” in it, as well as any food from the Eastern and Southern Hemispheres. Oh, and I also can’t handle any hot sauce whatsoever. Not even ketchup. But besides those few outliers, bring on the spices. More specifically, this delicious pumpkin-based one I got from Starbucks.

I’m not alone in this either. Believe it or not, I actually know a ton of white people who drink pumpkin spice lattes every single day of their lives. In fact, I don’t know any white people who don’t drink it constantly. Sometimes all I see are white people pouring it down their gullets.

Even the Starbucks baristas somehow already know I’m going to order a pumpkin spice latte the minute the calendar hits September 1st. It’s like they can tell how much I like spices based on my vibe.

On the other hand, I don’t know a single person of color who drinks pumpkin spice beverages. Coincidence? Honestly, I don’t really know any people of color off the top of my head. Maybe though?

And pumpkin spice isn’t the only spice I like either. Just the other day I made a delicious homemade soup with just a pinch of salt and pepper. See? Those are technically spices. Seriously, can’t get enough of the stuff.

So yeah, maybe it’s time to end this stereotype once and for all. Not only is it untrue, but it also makes white people look narrow-minded, which is clearly outrageous.

Bass From High School Completes Sixth Interstate Move Without Seeing Light of Day

Posted on by Anna Walsh

ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. — Local woman Nina Hernandez reportedly took the time to pack and load the starter bass she received in high school for a sixth time without ever actually playing the instrument, a coalition of confounded roommates report.

“I got it for Christmas when I was 15 and noodled around for a few months, but back then, once summer came I was way too busy drinking those good Four Lokos and going to the beach. Plus, no one told me it’s wicked hard to play bass. If I wanted an instrument this hard to learn I would’ve gotten a guitar. Still, once about every year and a half I think about taking lessons, so I just can’t get rid of it,” Hernandez explained while shoving the bass into the back corner of her new closet. “I’ve moved it from the east coast to the west coast, back to the east coast, to Arkansas, Chicago, and then finally to Florida. The good thing is the case only takes up six full feet of whatever room I’m renting, and I only notice how incredibly heavy it is when I have to pick it up to move out.”

Hernandez’ former roommate Kiko Pei explained their doubts about the fabled instrument.

“There’s cobwebs all over the case. I tripped over it at least twice a week when Nina was living here and I still don’t know what color the fucking bass is. Honestly, I’m not even sure there’s anything in there,” Pei said, looking mildly irritated. “When she first moved in, she said she’d been playing bass for seven years, but I really think she meant she’s played that bass seven times in total. When she moved out, I told her about this music store in town that accepts instrument donations, but she insisted she’d play it at her new place, and spent a full 40 minutes reconfiguring all the shit in her car so that the bass would fit.”

Adolescent therapist Dr. Paula Niham offered some insight as to why Hernandez has such an attachment to the instrument.

“Most teens get attached to an object when they move out of their parental home for the first time as a token of security and comfort. Of course, in Ms.Hernandez’ case, she chose perhaps the bulkiest and most useless item possible. More puzzling still is the fact that she
completely ignores the instrument, not even opening the case to look at it, nevermind utilize it,” Dr. Niham stated. “And despite 15 years of experience in this field, I can’t identify why she continues to move it from house to house a decade after her teenage years have ended.”

At time of publication, Hernandez was seen struggling to lift the bass into a station wagon, fully blocking her rear view.

Tribute Album Shows What Classic Album Would Be Like If All the Songs Were Totally Mediocre

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

PHOENIX, Ariz. — A track-for-track covers album of Black Sabbath’s “Master of Reality” offers a remarkable glimpse at what the iconic album would sound like if every track was lifeless and technically flawed, sources listening as a favor confirmed.

“We had been playing ‘Into the Void’ in the practice space for fun when our drummer came up with the idea of covering the whole thing,” said Aura War vocalist Kyle Joyce. “We found some tabs, and after practicing for a week and then recording for another, we ended up with something that sounds pretty close to the original. I mean, I’m not saying I sound just like Ozzy or anything. But I did my best. Well, kind of my best. I did something, that’s for certain.”

Jules McCafferty, a friend of the band, found even his modest expectations for the album weren’t met.

“I wasn’t expecting anything incredible, but man, as soon as I heard Kyle trying to recreate that cough at the beginning of ‘Sweet Leaf,’ I knew I was in for a rough time,” said McCafferty while grimacing. Everything just sounded so unrehearsed and awkward. I started to wonder if maybe the original was worse than I remembered. Fortunately, I quickly proved myself wrong. Still, fuck them for making me think that for even a minute.”

Music historian Dr. Gilbert Kathman says Aura War’s unsuccessful endeavor highlights an unfortunate trend common among groups of their stature.

“All bands can benefit from studying their forefathers and trying to replicate their work to better understand what makes it so special,” said Kathman. “But there’s a difference between doing that and half-assedly copying it. Sure, they might have the riffs to ‘Children of the Grave’ down pat, but do they know how to make them sound as raw and primal as Tony Iommi did? It doesn’t seem so. And frankly, they will never learn.”

At press time, Aura War performed the album in full at a release party, which showed what Black Sabbath’s legendary live shows would be like if everyone was stiff and couldn’t find a steady rhythm.

All Four Tires on Punk’s Car Are Spares

Posted on by Stephen Bell

HOUSTON — Local punk Alec Ryers revealed that all four tires on his heavily used Honda Fit were spares, according to sources familiar with the mohawked motorist.

“The first spare tire was because I ran over some glass I myself threw into the street while drunk,” said Ryers before noting that the owner’s manual didn’t technically say you couldn’t drive on spares exclusively. “Then I accidentally ran over my own jean jacket which was filled with pins so that took out another tire. Then I burst another tire trying to jump my friend using my younger brother’s skateboarding ramp. And come to think of it, I think I bought the car with one spare already. I didn’t have money to buy new tires, but thankfully I was able to ‘borrow’ these spares from my neighbors.”

Friends of Ryers discussed the difficulty of riding in a car with four spare tires.

“Alec’s car shakes like no other while driving, but he’s the only one wealthy enough to afford one,” said friend Taylor Wilson. “The shaking also makes up for the complete lack of bass in his stereo system when we listen to music. And while we are worried about the smaller tires gripping the road, when we fit seven of us in there we think we’re weighed down enough to cancel that out.”

Auto mechanic Chuck “The Wrench” Adams expressed concern for the vehicle.

“OK wow, you should not be driving like that,” said Adams. “You aren’t supposed to go above 50 miles per hour for one thing when driving on a spare, let alone four. Plus a spare tire is only good for about 70 miles. Supposedly he’s gone on these tires for 10,000 miles. I am honestly willing to give him some tires for the safety of the public if he’d stop driving this car like that. Otherwise, someone is going to use this spare tire guy for spare organs.”

At press time, it was confirmed that in addition to having a car with all spare tires, Ryers also owned a bicycle that was all training wheels.

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