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All Four Tires on Punk’s Car Are Spares

HOUSTON — Local punk Alec Ryers revealed that all four tires on his heavily used Honda Fit were spares, according to sources familiar with the mohawked motorist.

“The first spare tire was because I ran over some glass I myself threw into the street while drunk,” said Ryers before noting that the owner’s manual didn’t technically say you couldn’t drive on spares exclusively. “Then I accidentally ran over my own jean jacket which was filled with pins so that took out another tire. Then I burst another tire trying to jump my friend using my younger brother’s skateboarding ramp. And come to think of it, I think I bought the car with one spare already. I didn’t have money to buy new tires, but thankfully I was able to ‘borrow’ these spares from my neighbors.”

Friends of Ryers discussed the difficulty of riding in a car with four spare tires.

“Alec’s car shakes like no other while driving, but he’s the only one wealthy enough to afford one,” said friend Taylor Wilson. “The shaking also makes up for the complete lack of bass in his stereo system when we listen to music. And while we are worried about the smaller tires gripping the road, when we fit seven of us in there we think we’re weighed down enough to cancel that out.”

Auto mechanic Chuck “The Wrench” Adams expressed concern for the vehicle.

“OK wow, you should not be driving like that,” said Adams. “You aren’t supposed to go above 50 miles per hour for one thing when driving on a spare, let alone four. Plus a spare tire is only good for about 70 miles. Supposedly he’s gone on these tires for 10,000 miles. I am honestly willing to give him some tires for the safety of the public if he’d stop driving this car like that. Otherwise, someone is going to use this spare tire guy for spare organs.”

At press time, it was confirmed that in addition to having a car with all spare tires, Ryers also owned a bicycle that was all training wheels.