How I Made It Through Sober October in Just Two Weeks

Posted on by Tom Peters

Each October, people around the globe make the choice to give up drinking for an entire month. The 31-day challenge known as “Sober October” allows people to give their bodies a break and reexamine their relationship with alcohol.

I decided to give this Sober October thing a shot and you won’t believe what I found! Everything I had expected to come from a month of no booze was pretty much knocked out about halfway through. That’s right, I did Sober October in just two weeks.

Better sleep? Check. Increased immune system? Sure, I guess. Weight loss and improved cardiovascular health? Well, I just made it from the fridge back to the couch without getting winded so you tell me.

You might be thinking that I actually didn’t complete Sober October and that I, in fact, failed to reach my goal. But Sober October is all about reassessing your relationship with alcohol, so why shouldn’t that include moving the goalposts on how long you take a break? Well, the fact that I managed to reap all the rewards of a month of abstinence in half the time is a testament to how little I needed to take time off drinking in the first place.

The moment I knew my month-long journey was complete was about eleven days in when my team won at trivia night. The exhilaration of victory combined with the company of good friends showed me that I had a pretty good sense of what was important in life and that I was exactly where I needed to be. Plus our prize was a $50 bar tab so what was I going to do, not drink? I would basically be losing money. That’s when I realized I had learned everything sobriety had to teach me and I joined my friends in celebrating our win with a cool ten bucks off my $84 bar tab.

So if you think you could benefit from the rejuvenation and clarity that Sober October provides, the good news is that you’ve got another year to think about it. But next time October rolls around, give it a try. Who knows, maybe you’ll even be able to beat my personal speed record.

Review: Basement “Colourmeinkindness”

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Each week, we like to review an album from our vast, almost endless, record collection. This time around we’re taking a look at Basement’s second album, “Colourmeinkindness.”

When I told my wife I’d be reviewing a record from English indie rockers Basement, she stopped me dead in my tracks.

“They’re named Basement? Well, if you’re going to listen to that shit over and over again, it’s the perfect opportunity to spend some time in that extravagant Man Cave you built in the basement.”

“Sure, honey!” I replied, trying to sound brave. Because this has become sort of an issue, on account of my wife thinking I don’t use the elaborate Man Cave I spent $25,000 on because I’m scared of our basement.

No way! Like, seriously, I’m not even a little bit terrified to go hang out in my Man Cave. It’s like, so relaxing. Yesterday I stayed down there for a whole three minutes playing foosball before I heard a weird clanking noise and got the fuck out of there.

Eager to prove her wrong, I made my way to the cellar with the album in hand, tiptoeing down the rickety wooden stairs so as to not wake up any monsters or vampires or hobgoblins.

Sitting down gingerly on my $2,000 gaming chair, I hit play and let the emo-tinged album wash over me. However, at some point during an unbearably lengthy 32 second instrumental opening, I saw what appeared to be a spider and ran upstairs shrieking. Fortunately, closer examination by my wife revealed that the alleged spider was, in fact, a stale pretzel.

But can we really trust her judgment? Perhaps not, as she also identified me as a “big time pussy.” Which is exactly the sort of knee-jerk reaction I try to avoid in my music criticism.

No matter how many times I tried to get comfortable in the Man Cave, I couldn’t shake that eerie dread. The kegerator, the oversized adult bean bag chairs, my Charles Grodin limited edition Blu-ray collection – none of it brought me comfort.

Even the red Solo cups on my “Beer Pong Rules” poster glowed upon me like a set of demonic eyes.

Hey, Hard Times editors…do me a favor and let me know when you need a review for a band called Home Office or something.

Score: 2.3 out of 10 spooky noises

/**/

ASL Interpreter at Pearl Jam Show Just Kinda Winging It

Posted on by Sean Mullee

SEATTLE — Local American Sign Language interpreter Catelyn Mitchell admitted that she was just kind of winging the signs on stage during a recent Pearl Jam show, confused audience members confirmed.

“I’ve been doing this for a decade so usually I’m pretty quick, but these guys’ lyrics are above me and I can’t make out a single thing coming out of that man’s mouth,” explained Mitchell. “It’s like a Lovecraft story, you can’t describe what you’re hearing in any language known by man. By the halfway point, I felt like all my soul had been drained from my body as if I hadn’t slept in days, so when he started climbing the scaffolding for 10 minutes I was just happy to get a break. Thank God Pearl Jam shows pay time-and-a-half for exactly this reason.”

Patrick Reynolds, a deaf attendee, was quick to come to the defense of Mitchell’s performance.

“I can’t blame her for trying, I don’t usually go to Pearl Jam shows for the lyrics anyways. But she was definitely just signing ‘Plush’ by Stone Temple Pilots at one point,” said Reynolds. “She must be a Neil Young fan, though, because she started to hit a stride when they covered ‘Rockin in the Free World.’ It was a brief confidence boost that was quickly shattered when she had to start signing ‘Yellow Ledbetter’ immediately after.”

Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder was surprised that the issue of intelligibility continues to arise at their performances after decades of popularity.

“I can’t even order my McRibs from the drive-thru, they always get my name wrong at Starbucks, and my Alexa keeps ordering the wrong type of laundry detergent,” said an exasperated Vedder. “I mean c’mon, guys, it’s been 30 years, I don’t know what’s so hard about translating the words ‘even flow, tohsorowah-lie butta fry syea!’ Not even the auto-generated captions on our music videos on YouTube are accurate. Like, the lyrics are clearly not ‘Jeremy spoke in class today’ like YouTube would have you believe.”

At press time, Mitchell was found attempting to handcuff herself and swallow the key after being scheduled to sign for Scott Stapp at an upcoming Creed show.

5 Dangerous New Drugs Teens Are Using or Maybe My Nephew Was Just Messing With Me

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

It seems like every other day a news report comes about concerning a new type of upper, downer, psychedelic, or inhalant that is ripping its way through our school system. Like the Satanic Panic of the 90s, many of these reports are filled with scare tactics and dubious reporting. But there still are new drugs being used by our children and I decided that it would only be prudent to actually go to the source and find out the real deal.

Under the promise of confidentiality, I interviewed my fifteen-year-old nephew, son of my sister Genevive Hollingsworth, about five new drugs being used. I’ll be honest, some of these sound implausible and I think he may have just been deceiving me.

5. Hydrophillicontothyizide
Supposedly this is a medication typically prescribed to house cats for Pelger-Huët Anomaly. Suburban teenagers have started taking this as a way to get high. My nephew tells me that it makes you feel like a single sheet of loose leaf paper. I can’t imagine wanting to feel like that but to each their own, I guess. I’m a cool uncle, you see, no judgment here.

4. Boofballs
Ok this cannot be true. I am told that this refers to dipping a cotton ball in dry vermouth and placing it up your rectum. My source indicated many kids do this just before school every morning and it makes the day “more tolerable” and that they are able to focus better.

3. The Maine Squeeze
Coming out of the Portland, Maine drug scene, Maine Squeeze sounds more like an activity than a drug. The “object” is to do a bong rip of Pine-Sol laced marijuana then have your friends wrap you up in a wet blanket and then waterboard you with Labatt Blue. Whatever happened to just smoking a joint and drinking a beer?

2. Substance D
Ok, I Googled this one and it is definitely fake. Apparently, it comes from the book A Scanner Darkly. But then again, what if they named the real drug after the drug in the book?! Now I don’t know what to believe. I tried to watch the movie A Scanner Darkly when it first came out but the animation gave me motion sickness.

Professor Tingles’ Chrono-Roll
A drug that makes you believe you are Charles Orlando, Dauphin of France?! Well, clearly, my blood relative has made all of these up. He’s been on TikTok all day streaming about how he tricked his stupid uncle. But now I’m at my deadline and have to turn something in. I hope you’re happy, you little shithead. It would be a shame if it was casually mentioned in a popular news blog how you shit your pants at a family reunion in 2021 and were too embarrassed to say anything so you just sat in your soil all day until your loving uncle noticed and promised never to tell anyone.

Uh-oh: I Forgot To Take the Bernie Sticker off My Harley Before Arriving at Sturgis

Posted on by Jose Balderas

One of the rites of passage of being a Harley-Davidson owner is taking a trip up to Sturgis, South Dakota to mingle with your free-spirited brethren in a week-long festival celebrating our love of the open road and loud exhaust. After finally getting some time off from my non-profit work, I decided it was time to make the pilgrimage and ride to the holy land of hogs. Unfortunately, when I got here I realized I never took the “Bernie Sanders For President” sticker off my bike. Uh-oh!

It was too late to do anything about it. Plus, trying to tear it off could damage the paint. I regretted not donating a few dollars more for the magnet. I was dreading the worst but the throngs of bikers ended up accepting me as one of their own. Almost every interaction started with someone yelling some variation of “Let’s Go Brandon,” which opened the door for me to say “No, it’s Bernie!” Then I’d point to my sticker, which then led to mutual laughs. Next thing you know we’re in the bar crushing some brewskies and exchanging emails.

For every threat of violence, there was a shared laugh. For every insult thrown at me, there was an acknowledgment of my sweet ride. It seemed that the political views signaled by the sticker on my motorcycle may have branded me as an outsider, though I was welcomed with open arms. Besides the slashed tire at the end of the week, Sturgis was a memory I will always treasure. It also helped that no one noticed my RBG-inspired leathers.

Lockheed Martin Holds “Bombs Not Food” Fundraising Event

Posted on by John Danek

BETHESDA, Md. — Military weapons developer and defense contracting behemoth Lockheed Martin announced that it is holding a DIY-style fundraiser to raise money specifically for more explosive munitions, confirmed ecstatic war hawks.

“Our fellow humans in the Middle East need bombs more than ever before, so please consider coming to our pay-what-you-can fundraiser at the America First Hall where the suggested donation is $2,000 per entry,” explained Lockheed Martin president and CEO Jim Taiclet, who reportedly booked a handful of Southern Rock bands for the event. “World domination is the goal, and once we raise enough money for more bombs, we will drop them off in Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, and elsewhere. In lieu of money, we will also accept precision-guided missiles and B-2 bombers at the door. Can never have too many of those on hand.”

Local punk bassist Liam Marceau attempted to explain his band Crack Curtain’s involvement in the show.

“Can you blame me for thinking this was actually a ‘Food Not Bombs’ event? When I saw the email for possibly getting booked on this show I instantly replied saying ‘yes’ without even reading it,” admitted Marceau, whose songs of anarchy and anti-imperialism seemingly stand at odds with the event’s sponsor. “But the way I see it, this is a chance for us to enact change from the inside. Maybe one or two employees will hear Crack Curtain’s songs of resistance and quit on the spot. And if that doesn’t work, at least we’ll get paid handsomely for our time. This is our highest paying gig to date. I need this.”

Defense industry critics are not at all surprised by Lockheed Martin’s co-opting of leftist language as a means to their own ends.

“This is typical Lockheed. I wouldn’t be surprised if next week they announced ‘direct action’ to protest a Children’s Hospital opening in Iraq since it will undo all their hard work,” explained former industry insider Violet Rossett. “This is to say nothing of their transparent war profiteering and crimes against humanity. Reminds me of the time Lockheed held a fundraising event to support local veterans, but didn’t tell anyone that they meant the veterans that worked at their company. Lockheed Martin is surprisingly fond of malicious wordplay.”

Inspired by their rivals at Lockheed Martin, Northrop Grumman announced that they are starting a crust punk record label, the proceeds of which will fund research for new weapons platforms.

Mark Wahlberg Insists Monster Mash Never Would Have Happened if He’d Been at Castle That Night

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LAS VEGAS – Actor Mark Wahlberg recently asserted that the fictional events contained in Bobby “Boris” Pickett’s 1962 novelty song “Monster Mash” never would have happened if he’d been at Frankenstein’s castle that night, skeptical and spooky sources confirmed.

“Yo, I just heard about this song, and the lyrics are wicked messed up. Apparently some mad scientist’s monster came to life and started doing this dance along with straight-up psychos like the Wolfman and Dracula. Call me old fashioned, but entertaining should be done by God-fearing humans, not soulless demons,” stated Wahlberg. “Look, I’m a street guy, alright? if I was there that night there would have been a lot of coffin-banger blood on those castle walls, then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to take out all these undead motherfuckers, so humanity doesn’t have to worry.’”

Journalist Joanne Kilpatrick described what led up to Wahlberg’s bizarre statement.

“I only asked him if he was excited for Halloween before he went off on the beloved novelty song for three or four hours,” explained Kilpatrick. “He started telling me how he’d first don a frogman suit so he could survey the perimeter from the castle moat, then Mark claimed he would cave in Frankenstein’s head before spin-kicking the shit out of all the Crypt-Kicker Five, who ‘probably didn’t even have abs.’ I should mention he maintained eye contact with me the entire time, it was very uncomfortable. He also said he could definitely neutralize ‘It the Clown’ but I didn’t have the heart to tell him he’s not even mentioned in ‘The Monster Mash.’”

Celebrity psychologist Dr. Chesterfield Wynett explained how actors’ inflated egos often lead them to believe they possess superpowers.

“Mr. Wahlberg is very typical of most Hollywood stars,” elucidated Dr. Wynett. “They spend their lives playing characters who save the world and who fight mythical creatures, so it’s natural they might also believe that they could single-handedly take out terrorists on a plane, or use their movie-based martial arts training to conquer fictitious boogeymen from a 60-year-old Halloween song. Either that or they’re just trying to get their name trending to sell more burgers for their family’s restaurant chain.”

At press time, Wahlberg was reportedly bragging to his limo driver that if he were in Golgotha in AD 33 when Jesus was crucified, shit definitely wouldn’t have gone down as it did.

Halloween Store Already Playing Christmas Music

Posted on by Bobby Korec

APPLETON, Wisc. — Local seasonal retail giant Ghouls Depot is reportedly already playing Christmas music over their sound system despite Halloween not yet technically over, sources who thought it was way too early confirmed.

“I enjoy the holiday spirit just as much as the next guy, but only when I deem it to be the absolute appropriate time of year and not a minute sooner,” said customer Blake Cody while doing some last-minute Halloween costume shopping. “As we all know Christmas music should start no earlier than the second Tuesday in December but no later than the Friday before the 25th, and it should end on December 28 at exactly noon. Isn’t that common knowledge? Plus, this is a Halloween store. I want to hear ‘Monster Mash’ and random spooky piano music while perusing the political figures and cultural icons costumes aisle. And while ‘It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas’ is a nice song and all, it just doesn’t have the same effect when I’m deciding between a bloody severed head decoration or zombie brain party favors.”

The Halloween superstore’s manager Helen Shambly didn’t really see the big deal.

“This store turns into one of those Christmas-exclusive retailers at the stroke of midnight on Halloween night, so we’re just getting a head start on the transition,” said Shambly. “Besides, today is Halloween which means Halloween is officially over and we can focus on the next commercially-viable holiday, and that is Jesus’ birthday. Sure, we’ve gotten nothing but complaints from shoppers all day about the festive music choices, but give it a few weeks and they’ll still be complaining that it’s too early to hear these songs. Complaining about holiday music starting too early is what Christmas is all about.”

Experts noted that these sorts of retail tactics weren’t terribly new.

“Just like how climate change is causing seasons to start earlier and earlier, capitalism is causing Christmas music to begin early too,” said economist Nancy Howles. “I once heard of a Toyota dealership that started playing Christmas music during their Labor Day extravaganza event. Hell, even Mattress Depot started playing it as early as their Presidents’ Day sale, which is in February. It’s like they think people will get into the purchasing spirit the minute they hear ‘Deck the Halls.’ They’re not wrong.”

At press time, Ghouls Depot compromised with disgruntled customers by playing Christmas and Halloween-themed music simultaneously over the PA.

Goth Can’t Wait to Explain Pagan Roots of Toyotathon

Posted on by Max Barth

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local goth Andrea Smith is reportedly thrilled to begin telling anyone who will listen about the pagan roots of the yearly celebration of automobile sales known as Toyotathon, preemptively skeptical sources confirmed.

“People these days are ignorant to the rich history of the event,” said Smith, sitting in the food court of a local mall. “Toyotathon is so much more than an annual opportunity to score amazing deals on bestselling cars, trucks, and SUVs with perks such as no-cost maintenance plans and roadside assistance. It’s a liminal event with well-documented pagan roots. During Toyotathon, I believe that the barrier between worlds is thin, eldritch magicks are afoot and dealerships should be culturally competent enough to ignore my credit score and multiple DUIs.”

The owner of a Toyota dealership in Altoona, Pennsylvania was more circumspect about the holiday’s history.

“Yes, we’ve had our share of folks knocking on the windows and yelling about Celtic spirits. Of course every Toyota dealer deals with these kinds of kooks towards the end of the harvest season. They try to come into the showroom and light candles, and throw motor oil all over our fully loaded Tundras. I’ve had enough,” said Dale Speck of Speck Toyota. “But I certainly can neither confirm nor deny any past or current practice of otherworldly goings-on within our company. If I do, they’ll kill me.”

Dr. Kendra Turner, head of The University of Iowa’s Automotive History department is no stranger to the mystery and controversy surrounding Toyota’s high holy days, which typically are celebrated from November through January.

“Anyone who says they know for sure how [Toyatothon] began is selling you something,” said the professor, whose recent published work includes a paper on the intersection of Happy Honda Days with the Sumerian calendar. “While there is a written tradition of 12th century Indo- European horse traders offering limited time yet truly exceptional leasing rates with zero cash down, it’s important to recognize that other cultures have oral histories which tell of far earlier periods of sensational blink-and-you’ll-miss-it sales. Egyptian pharaohs, for instance, often buried favored servants in classy yet affordable chariots.”

Certified Toyota dealers across the country have already reported mobs of goth revelers scurrying towards Toyota dealerships, seeking 0% APR, hybrid vehicles and spiritual communion with the infinite through ritualized human sacrifice.

Trust Me, Halloween is Actually the Worst Day to Poison Candy

Posted on by Dan Rice

If you’re a parent you’ve probably spent the week combing blog posts about Halloween safety. By now you know how to identify any signs of tampering, should some sick bastard decide to try and poison your innocent child. As one of those sick bastards I can tell you, you’re wasting your fucking time.

Think about it. Why would I, a murderer of children, waste my time poisoning candy on the one day of the year when people are actually looking for poisoned candy? That’s when the heat is on!

It’s high risk, low yield, and frankly a huge waste of candy.

We in the candy poisoning game have a name for anyone who tries to tamper with Halloween candy: amateur. Go ask one of those posers to name 3 kids they’ve successfully poisoned on Halloween. Deer in headlights.

Maybe you’re thinking that we’re compelled to try anyway, that psychos like me enjoy the challenge of slipping arsenic into a Reese’s cup while every parent in America is on high alert. Newsflash, we don’t. We like killing kids successfully and keeping a low profile.

I’ll tell you when I like to do it, Easter. No parent is inspecting an Easter basket for poison candy, and I’ve capitalized on that for over two decades. Thanks, Jesus!

Here’s a fun fact for you, there have only been two reported cases of poisoned Halloween candy in American history, and both cases were instances of the parent trying to poison their own child. Those selfish assholes ruined it for everybody, and OG monsters like myself have just taken that night off ever since.

The worst thing your kid is gonna get from me this Halloween is a toothbrush because no one suspects that guy of being a child killer.

Parents, stop being an overprotective wreck and just let your kids enjoy being kids this Halloween. Childhood doesn’t last forever, and if I have my way, it will end sooner than you think!

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