SWAMPSCOTT, Mass. — Residents of local punk house The Swamp were recently spotted tearfully eyeing the horizon in anticipation of their long lost roommate returning from voyage with the other case of Genesee Ice that they all threw him a few bucks for, gradually sobering sources confirmed.
“I can’t even remember how long it’s been since we saw our dear roommate Salty Fitz off on his long journey to Stop & Shop. Like, it’s been at least forty-five minutes but probably closer to twenty years by now,” regaled resident Tonya Shulfer while clutching several hand-picked black lillies. “I come out here often to await his return. Some of the others have given up hope and say that he probably crashed at his girlfriend’s apartment and isn’t coming back. But I still believe I’ll see him again before this buzz wears off. I have to believe it.”
Salty Fitz, who clarified his real name is Daniel Fitzgerald, detailed some of the hardships he has experienced so far on his journey for alcohol.
“Man, it is rough out here. I was tripping on psilocybin pretty hard when I left and immediately this huge sea-dog tried to swallow me whole!” explained Fitzgerald of an apparent run-in with his neighbor’s neutered cocker spaniel. “After that I was so far off course that finding my way back to the house has been almost impossible. But I’ll keep trying as long as it takes to return because honestly I forgot why my roommates sent me out here in the first place.”
Old-timey sea captain, Alabaster Edwards, shared his thoughts on the tradition of awaiting the return of those lost on long expeditions.
“Aye, many weary widows have wasted their lives longing for the sight of their dearly departed from upon the walk. It would feel more tragic if I hadn’t been the one who sent most of those crews to their doom,” said Edwards. “All I can say for these kids here is ‘don’t let a false hope guide you.’ Also, ‘go check the coffee table, because there’s a good chance he forgot the money you gave him to buy beer there anyway.’”
At press time, The Swamp residents had begun preparing a candlelight vigil before realizing they also sent Fitzgerald with the only functioning Bic lighter.