Salutations and tip of my cap, officers of the Sunnybay Police Department. You don’t know me, not yet, but you are familiar with my work.
I understand you’ve had quite a morning. By now you are no doubt aware of the dirty mess some neer do well, under cover of night, left for you to clean on the west-facing wall of the public library. I’ll save your forensics team some leg work and confirm what I’m quite certain you already suspect — it was piss.
How do I know the details of the library pissing even though you have yet to share them with the media? I think you will find that I’m one step ahead of you on a great many things.
I also know about pissing behind Starbucks last fall, the Spring Street piss wave, and most recently the incident at Summerfest that left attendees saying “Hey, what’s that smell? Is it piss?” They are all courtesy of your humble author, John Q. Me.
What can I say? I’ll just be going about my day, minding my own business when all of the sudden I’ll just get the urge. And once that urge takes hold, I know by now it’s just not going to go away. Not until I take a pisssss.
Perhaps you find my crimes to be sick, or mad. You wanna know what I think is mad? The total lack of public restroom availability in downtown Sunnybay. What do I think is sick? A town that rents 4 portajohns for a Summerfest attended by nearly 3000 people in the course of one weekend. A society that allows Starbucks to remodel their bathroom during pumpkin latte season. I was driven to these crimes as the neglected beggar is driven to theft, as the waters of the flood are driven to low ground.
It was your world that made me what I am. But now that I’ve had a taste of it, the sheer thrill of taking a human piss somewhere you’re not supposed to be pissing, I want more. So much more.
Perhaps you’re wondering why I would take the risk of publishing this letter. Perhaps it’s hubris. Perhaps like many madmen before me, I wish to be caught. Or maybe I’ve just come to enjoy our little game of cat and mouse. It doesn’t matter. Soon this town will be ripe with the stains of my glorious becoming.
Your public buildings are not safe. Your sidewalks are not safe. You are not safe in your homes. Well, okay, you are safe in your homes, but the sides of your homes themselves? I’m pissin ‘on em.
I’d love to stay and chat, but I just finished my coffee. My third cup. It seems the cafe’s sole restroom is occupied. Maybe I’ll take a little walk to the mayor’s office. Tah tah.