Prince Andrew Wondering if Queen’s Funeral Will Be All-Ages

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LONDON – Prince Andrew, Duke of York, is reportedly pestering the entire staff of Buckingham Palace to ask if his mother’s royal funeral will be an all-ages event, confirmed multiple sources.

“Not that it matters or anything mate, I’m just really curious. And sad, obviously, ‘cause of me mum and all,” stated the giddy Prince while being followed by a security guard tasked with keeping a close eye on him around any children. “I genuinely just want to know every detail surrounding the funeral of our dear mother, especially anything pertaining to the age, sex, and looks of guests who may be attending without adult supervision, who might need a shoulder to cry on.”

Andrew’s older brother, the newly crowned King Charles III, expressed suspicion about his troubled sibling.

“He may have the devil in him, I tell you. He always seems to be up to no good–but not in a criminal way that could topple my Kingdom, of course,” backpedaled Charles carefully with a barrister by his side. “After all the nonsense with that American girl was finally put to rest when Andrew agreed to pay her all that money out of the goodness of his heart, we hoped he had straightened out. But by the way he’s interrogating everyone from the footmen to the valets, I think it’s best we keep tabs on him for a while. Otherwise, we might have to make another tough decision like we did with my first wife. Ignore that part.”

A letter written by The Queen prior to her death clearly outlined the funeral arrangements she wanted.

“I know it’s highly irregular, but I must insist that my funeral be strictly attended by those over the age of 18,” stated the letter, read posthumously by a trusted aide. “I shan’t get into many details, but I think it’s best if youngsters stay as far away from Andrew the service as possible, since I feel it may be too sad an occasion for such young minds. Also, there’s a box in the false wall hidden in my chambers labelled ‘Andrew MISC’ that should be destroyed immediately.”

At press time, Prince Andrew was begging officials to let him take any minors barred from the funeral on a tour of the secluded royal stables.

Guy Who Pregamed for Festival By Having Beer for Breakfast Can’t Figure Out Where Day Went Wrong

Posted on by Steve Esparra

CHICAGO — Festival attendee Darryl Lynch is struggling to piece together the past 24 hours after consuming several beers before eating a meal and blacking out before getting to see any bands, concerned sources confirmed.

“The last thing I remember was cracking open six beers in my bedroom and whispering ‘time to get legendary,’” a confused, glossy-eyed Lynch struggled to mutter. “I don’t remember anything after that. When I started to sober up I realized I wasn’t even wearing my own clothes and I’d gotten a giant back tattoo of a unicorn farting a rainbow. It’s pretty cool, but how much did I pay for that? I mean I was outside in the sun pretty much all day… maybe I had a heat stroke or something. This is so unlike me.”

Lynch’s friends, who attended the festival with him, had a different take.

“Yeah, this is pretty standard for Darryl,” said a fed-up A.J. Riley, Lynch’s friend and ride to and from the fest. “Everyone we booked the Airbnb with saw this coming by 10 a.m. We all went for breakfast and this guy takes out a huge bottle of beer that looks like motor oil and starts chugging. I even asked if he wanted me to bring him back a sandwich or something and he just said ‘Liquid breakfast my dude! Can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning!’ He can get his own ride for tomorrow.”

Riley confirmed that their group abandoned Lynch halfway through the day after dropping him off at the medical tent, where he was seen by the fest’s on-site EMS team.

“Yeah… tale as old as time, unfortunately,” explained David Tejada, the EMT that treated Lynch for obvious drunkenness and dehydration. “He was my third blackout of the day. I asked him what he had to eat or drink all day, and he just called me a pussy then tried to buy a Thrice shirt off me with three crumpled up singles. I don’t even think they’re on the lineup. Anyway, we gave him some intravenous hydration and sent him on his way. I think he’s going to be in for a rough morning.”

Lynch is adamant that Day 2 will not be a repeat of Day 1 and plans to only consume alcohol that is 10% ABV and under.

We Sat Down With Henry Rollins Because This Was His Third and Final Warning Not To Read in the Squat Rack

Posted on by Max Barth

Mr. Rollins, we’ve been over this. Twice. For the last time, it is against gym policy to do anything but lift in the squat rack.

That policy, which applies to you as it does all members here, includes reading fiction, nonfiction, graphic novels, novellas, journals, or even (importantly, in your case) your own work.

I understand that you feel this is “severely limiting” and that “reading is lifting for the mind”, which may be true, but if so you would do well to re-read our policy handbook a few times after stretching.

The squat rack is for squatting only. We do not want to kick you out, Mr. Rollins, so please stop finishing your sets, reaching into your shorts, and pulling out Geo Pierce’s 1846 translation of The “Count of Monte Cristo.” Yes, we got your letters. We agree that Count is a “thrilling adventure of revenge and one man’s dedication to it”, but we would humbly request that you partake of said adventure in your own time, in your own space.

Other members should not have to watch you pause, lick your finger, and turn a page for upwards of an hour while they are waiting to finish their workouts.

Yes, your commitment to human rights on the international stage is admirable. We played the spoken word piece over the gym speaker system last Earth Day, as requested, out of respect for you as a valued member of our weightlifting community. We were all very moved by the piece, though I think perhaps the success of that endeavor led you to believe we would not enforce our policies after your first and second warning for this behavior. We will.

If you’ll read the file in front of you, you’ll see that the first warning was sent to you via email roughly six months ago. It lays out the infraction, namely that you were journaling in front of the water fountain and due to your admirable bulk no one could access water. That is a health issue. Warning two was the first instance of lingering at the squat rack, though in that case, you appeared to be recording a three-hour-long podcast about a recent journey to the front lines of the Ukraine/Russia conflict. That warning was given in person, and while we appreciate your kindness (and the gift of your entire collected writings) to the staff member who spoke to you, please be aware that this is your third and final warning.

And the typewriter in the locker room will have to go as well.

Review: Jane’s Addiction “Nothing’s Shocking”

Posted on by Tim Graham

Each Sunday, The Hard Times takes a trip to the past to review a classic album. This week we take a look at the debut album from Jane’s Addiction and some of the stories behind the songs on “Nothing’s Shocking.”

In 1988, I was too busy playing with He-Man figures and getting beaten up by my older brother to realize that “Nothing’s Shocking,” the debut full-length release by Jane’s Addiction, had just been unleashed into the world like a hungry tiger in a Golden Corral. Eventually, I became a huge Jane’s fan, eagerly learning as much as I could about them—and it turns out that many of their songs have surprising origins.

For instance, not a lot of people know that “Ted, Just Admit It…” isn’t inspired by serial killer Ted Bundy—it’s actually about Ted Knight, star of “Caddyshack” and “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.” As the story goes, a young Perry Farrell used to wait on Knight when he worked at Morton’s in LA, where Knight was notorious for pretending to choke in order to get out of paying for dinner.

“We all knew he was full of shit,” reflected Farrell in a 1997 Spin interview. “Sometimes when they were rolling him out on a gurney, he’d actually wink at me. You gotta admire the balls on that guy. I told a coworker that I was shocked by Knight’s behavior, and that world-weary old prep cook said, ‘That’s showbiz baby.’ That really stuck with me.”

The track “Ocean Size” has an interesting backstory as well: One night, Farrell and shirt-averse guitarist Dave Navarro were going to town on a heap of Taco Bell’s since-discontinued Bell Beefers. “We took our pay from that night’s gig and got like two dozen of those things,” recalled Farrell. “Dave said he loved Beefers so much that he wished he could keep eating them until he was the size of the ocean. He actually might have some weird gaining fetish, come to think of it.”

In my digging, I also learned that a line referring to a “waffle stomp” was thankfully omitted from “Standing in the Shower… Thinking.’” And did you know that the original lyrics for the classic track “Jane Says” were about drummer Stephen Perkins’ infatuation with actress Jane Seymour? Additionally, “Had a Dad” is based on a spec script penned by bassist Eric Avery for the 80s sitcom “Major Dad.”

Turning up all this deep Jane’s lore has only increased my appreciation of the band, and this incredible album in particular.

SCORE: 9 Bell Beefers out of 10

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Sunny Day Real Estate Reunion Set to Hopefully Be Not Too Loud and Over by Like 9ish so Fans Can Beat the Traffic

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

CHICAGO — Seminal emo band Sunny Day Real Estate is set to perform a show that will hopefully be at a reasonable volume and over in time to beat the crowds leaving the venue, several sources in their 30’s and 40’s stated.

“That pink album was huge for me so this is exciting, and especially since if it’s done around 9-ish I won’t get caught in that bottleneck of people trying to escape the parking lot, then can get home and go to bed early enough that I won’t be too tired the next day at work,” commented fan Arthur Sanders. “And sometimes loud music gives me these migraines and then my ears ring the whole next day, so that low volume thing is definitely key. It would be nice if they had like a people limit though, like only 20 people in the room at once or something. Oh well.”

While fans are excited for the stipulations of the show, the band themselves have confirmed they are even more excited about it.

“I’m 47, I can’t be playing shows deep into the night anymore without a nap, by 9:30 I am wiped,” added singer Jeremy Enigk. “And I can’t even supplement with energy drinks or anything because I’m getting to the point where something like a Red Bull just makes me even more tired somehow. Fortunately I’ve been in a steady regimen of ashwagandha and vitamin D for months, so I should be equipped to power through.”

Though the band and their fanbase are in agreement, several newer fans were confused by the announcement.

“I didn’t understand, like, what show is over by 9 and ‘not too loud,’ right?” began 22-year-old recent fan Reece Marcus. “People who think like that just need to stay home and let the real punks come out and play. You’ll still find me out there in the pit when I’m 40, I guarantee it.”

On the day of the show just before heading out, the band canceled last minute, as they were too tired to go out, leaving fans initially disappointed but ultimately relieved not to have to get dressed, put on shoes, leave the house, find parking, spend money, stay out late, and be around a huge crowd all night.

Call Me Old but Music Was Better Before Anxiety and Depression Ruled My Life

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

I never thought I would find myself in a place complaining about the “music these kids listen to,” but it seems the older I get, the worse music becomes. I do my best to stay on top of current releases and emerging artists but, call me a curmudgeon, I just think music was better back before the crippling weight of existential dread smothered any flame of passion within me.

Sure, I can blame the overuse of autotune or the inaccurate assumption that no musician actually plays instruments anymore, but in reality, the reason that current music doesn’t resonate with me is that the youthful joy reflected by artists half my age reminds me of the person I wanted to become but never achieved.

I wish that I could blame overt sexuality and the glamorization of violence for the pitfalls of Top 40 music but the stark reality of it is that current music holds no nostalgia for me. It doesn’t take me back to long nights, great parties, first kisses, and road trips. New music doesn’t remind me of a time of life before I needed medication just to get out of bed in the morning and before the looming shadow of impending death crawled ever closer.

David Bowie! Pink Floyd! Led Zeppelin! The Rolling Stones! Now that is real music. It is only a coincidence that their music was released before my frontal lobe fully developed and the world still promised joy and wonderment. Long before the repetition of fear and rejection carved their neutral pathways within my brain.

I don’t know who this Doja Cat is, but Kiss Me More doesn’t hold a candle to the way Stevie Nicks singing Landslide makes me forget about mortgages, student loan debt, couples counseling, performance reviews, COVID, and politics. Find me a rapper capable of putting hair back on my head and then we’ll talk.

Bad Bunny does nothing for me when I am having a panic attack in the bathroom at work but if I pump out some Santata through my earbuds, I am transported to a time when I had a fast metabolism and even faster car.

That is what real music does!

You’re Probably a Dick if you Listen to These Ten Mike Patton Side Projects

Posted on by Dave McNamara

We all know ‘that guy’… the one that’s obsessed with Mike Patton’s side projects who also believes that being an aggressive contrarian is the same thing as having a personality. So how do you enjoy the Faith No More frontman’s lesser known works without being ‘that guy’? Here’s ten Mike Patton side projects that you’d have to be a dickhead to enjoy.

Tétéma

Another collaboration with an avant-garde composer, Antony Pateras, this project is more cacophonous and jarring than most music in general. You probably like to change the music at parties from whatever upbeat and fun playlist the host spent hours putting together to a Tétéma record which will make the guests feel queasy and anxious, leaving more chip dip just for you.

Peeping Tom

Dubbed the Mike Patton “pop record,” Peeping Tom’s sole album might just be the most normal thing he’s ever produced. Norah Jones is a guest vocalist, which should tell you a lot. If you listen to this, it might be because you think you’re too sophisticated for a Gorillaz album.

Kaada/Patton

This cinematic collaboration with Norwegian composer John Erik Kaada is something that you might hear a band performing live to a silent film. You might like listening to this on large studio headphones while riding the bus openly farting next to other passengers.

Maldoror

Here Mike Patton teams up with Merzbow noise artist Masami Akita. Most of their records sound like a CD that’s been used to sand the edges off a piece of rough-cut lumber before being put in the player. You might like to play this at full volume to drive the customers out of the coffee shop 10 minutes before close.

Anything with John Zorn

Let’s face it. If you listen to anything with John Zorn you’re probably a self-proclaimed “multi-instrumentalist” due to the fact that no other musicians are willing to play with you.

Patton Sings Ohio Express

This cover album is unusual in that it both covers an unlikely artist for Patton, and that it only contains 12 versions of the same song: “Yummy Yummy Yummy.” Most consider the original to be too saccharine, but after a dozen helpings of this track, you’ll have more than “love in your tummy.” You might like to listen to this over a Bluetooth speaker you strap to the handlebars of your hand-welded penny-farthing.

MUTE! – over Zoom

The first “pandemic Patton” release, this conceptual multi-media record was recorded entirely on a Zoom session in which the mic was muted the entire time. The viewer can see Patton performing, but cannot hear a single distorted megaphone or circuit-bent Teddy Ruxbin. This is probably your favorite as you can use your own inflated ego to fill in the sounds that are missing.

Asystole – Improv over ICU Machines

One of the most controversial records in the Patton discography finds the artist accompanying the life support machines of several dying patients at UC San Diego Medical Center. While many consider it distasteful to use the sounds of a real person’s death in a musical composition, you probably like chiming in with your own  flatline sounds.

M/N/NG – Traditional Bulgarian Nose Music

Reviving a nearly forgotten form of folk music that consists of sounds made exclusively in the nasal passage, M/N/NG is not for the easily annoyed. In interviews, Patton states that he had to rub hot wax on his septum to withstand the intense pressure demanded from the music. You probably like this just because you enjoy saying “Traditional Bulgarian Nose Music” to people.

Dark Bleat – LaVey Farms Satanic Goat Choir

This project was conceived after a visit to famed Satanist Anton LeVey’s family goat farm in the summer of 2007. The first ever Patton/non-human collaboration, the recording session was plagued with disaster after a goat ate the master real during mixdown. You probably like playing this for a date while mansplaining that goat is actually the most consumed meat on the planet.

Vocal Track Pretty Obviously Recorded While Trying to Not Disturb Roommates

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NAPERVILLE, IL — Recently gifted a four-track tape recorder, local musician Lee Ferrante recorded an especially timid and breathy vocal track while clearly not wanting his roommates to hear, sources confirmed.

“Look, sometimes bedroom pop projects are literally recorded in the bedroom, and that means it can be especially embarrassing to record vocals with all of your roommates in such close proximity,” defended Ferrante, just barely audibly. “If I happen to sound half-hearted on my latest songs, that’s just a part of my process of not bothering anyone. Not having my housemates hear me, and then possibly make fun of me, is something that really inspires me as an artist. And who knows? The style just may catch on.”

Ferrante’s roommates appeared confused and even unaware that music was being recorded in their home.

“I didn’t even know Lee liked music, much less made it himself. I just figured he was in there reading or possibly doing jigsaw puzzles,” said longtime roommate Ruben Coombes. “It wouldn’t bother me at all if he sang at a reasonable volume. I don’t know why he feels he’s got to keep such a hushed tone. There’s no way that will come out normal…In fact, he’s right. I’d probably make fun of him, but mainly because he’s whisper-singing.”

Home recording historian Miriam Ogden noted that many albums throughout the past few decades were done while not trying to disturb someone close by.

“Though it can be a bit cringey on the ear if you don’t know how to properly harness your vocal cords, feebly masking the fact that you’re singing so as not to have your housemates hear has a long, rich history,” Ogden noted. “In fact, not many people realize that every track on ‘Back in Black’ was cut entirely while Brian Johnson’s dad was upstairs trying to take a nap. Clearly a pro. With regards to Ferrante’s music, though, it’s sadly obvious he’s not quite there yet. I mean, you can practically hear the blankets over his head because the guy recorded it under his covers. It’s a rough listen. Woof.”

At press time, Ferrante was dismayed to learn that his new album, despite singing on all 12 tracks, was in the running for “Best Instrumental LP” in the Naperville alternative circular.

College Roommates Fighting Over Wall Space for Identical Bob Marley Poster

Posted on by Doug Kolic

ST. LOUIS – College freshmen, Keegan Smith and Caleb Kyle, are locked in a bitter argument over sharing the wall space for their identical Bob Marley posters, according to nearby sources laughing their asses off.

“At first I thought Caleb was pretty chill, especially since we both had dope-ass dreads,” stated a clearly white Smith. “But then he had a total meltdown when I tried to put up my Bob Marley poster where he wanted to put up his slightly-similar, yet massively inferior one. We’ve been giving each other the silent treatment ever since, which is making things super awkward. I prayed to Jah that college would allow me to make life-long friends with whomever I bunked with, but instead I’m rooming with a little bitch who won’t let me express my true self by displaying this iconic poster of the Jamaican reggae star that I’ve been a fan of ever since I bought it at Target last week.”

Kyle chimed in with his side of the confusing and contentious story.

“If anyone’s a little bitch, it’s him,” said Kyle. “Not only did he cry like a baby when I replaced his poster of Marley superimposed over the Jamaican flag with my poster of Marley filtered with the colors of the Jamaican flag, but he also spiralled when I tried storing my devil sticks beside his. I hate this guy so much! You don’t know how shitty it is having to room with someone who’s the complete opposite of you. Even though my personal motto is ‘One Love,’ fuck this guy to hell.”

College senior and resident advisor Keith Tait described how stereotypical first year students tend to fall into this sort of interpersonal trap.

“Holy fuck, those guys don’t know how hilarious they are” said a visibly stoned Tait. “At first I thought they were the same dude or twins since they looked, dressed, and talked alike. But then I realized the one in the red poncho was Keegan and the one in the blue poncho was Caleb. Or vice versa. I tried to explain to them that there was enough space for all their lame shit, as I don’t really care who’s at fault since my job is just to mediate between disgruntled roommates, and to steal any weed I find lying around, which I obviously did.”

At press time, the roommates were seen hanging pictures of their ‘Canadian girlfriends’ who looked suspiciously alike, and whose photos definitely didn’t come with the frames.

Band Starts GoFundMe to Replace Stolen Merch Guy

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Local punk band Blood Fighters launched a plea for help today when they started a crowdfunding campaign to replace the merch guy that was stolen during their most recent show downtown, confirmed sources eager to help.

“Ryan (Harper) will be missed, but what’s done is done. We searched Craigslist, Facebook Marketplace, and eBay and there is still no sign of him. It’s time we move on and get back on the road,” said lead singer Kevin Oslo. “We are asking fans, friends, and family to give anything they can to provide us another merch salesman who is good at making change, telling people ‘we are sold out of mediums,’ and can set boundaries by not letting people store their shit behind our table. We know theft is just part of the business when you’re a small band, but nothing would give the band, and Ryan’s family, closure like being able to start touring again.”

Local contributor to the campaign Dianne Merkowitz explained that she hoped her donation would help the band soar to new heights.

“I remember [the band’s] old merch guy, he was a dingy, broken-down piece of shit. He always smelled kind of funny, he always burped mid-sentence, and I think he used a shirt he sold me as a napkin one time. The thing had so much marinara sauce on it,” Merkowitz said. “I can’t even imagine who would want to steal him, but here we are. I’m hopeful the campaign will succeed so that they can afford a much more high-end merch guy that will at least last them a lot longer. Oh, and also I hope the police find Ryan and whatever, obviously. Such a tragedy.”

GoFundMe CEO Michael Henley said that while the campaign may appear to be slightly unorthodox, more and more people need someone special in their life replaced these days.

“Merch guys, children, parents, lots of people go missing,” said Henley in between drafting legislation to prevent Medicare for all. “While yes, sometimes memories cannot be replaced with money, campaigns like this help people move on by affording a newer, sleeker model to take their place. Kidnapping is obviously something that needs to be taken very seriously, but at least now the missing person’s duties can still be performed while they are gone.”

UPDATE: The band added a stretch goal to their GoFundMe which would help buy health insurance for the replacement member should they ever need a kidney, liver, or any additional organs down the line.