LONDON – Prince Andrew, Duke of York, is reportedly pestering the entire staff of Buckingham Palace to ask if his mother’s royal funeral will be an all-ages event, confirmed multiple sources.
“Not that it matters or anything mate, I’m just really curious. And sad, obviously, ‘cause of me mum and all,” stated the giddy Prince while being followed by a security guard tasked with keeping a close eye on him around any children. “I genuinely just want to know every detail surrounding the funeral of our dear mother, especially anything pertaining to the age, sex, and looks of guests who may be attending without adult supervision, who might need a shoulder to cry on.”
Andrew’s older brother, the newly crowned King Charles III, expressed suspicion about his troubled sibling.
“He may have the devil in him, I tell you. He always seems to be up to no good–but not in a criminal way that could topple my Kingdom, of course,” backpedaled Charles carefully with a barrister by his side. “After all the nonsense with that American girl was finally put to rest when Andrew agreed to pay her all that money out of the goodness of his heart, we hoped he had straightened out. But by the way he’s interrogating everyone from the footmen to the valets, I think it’s best we keep tabs on him for a while. Otherwise, we might have to make another tough decision like we did with my first wife. Ignore that part.”
A letter written by The Queen prior to her death clearly outlined the funeral arrangements she wanted.
“I know it’s highly irregular, but I must insist that my funeral be strictly attended by those over the age of 18,” stated the letter, read posthumously by a trusted aide. “I shan’t get into many details, but I think it’s best if youngsters stay as far away from
Andrew the service as possible, since I feel it may be too sad an occasion for such young minds. Also, there’s a box in the false wall hidden in my chambers labelled ‘Andrew MISC’ that should be destroyed immediately.”
At press time, Prince Andrew was begging officials to let him take any minors barred from the funeral on a tour of the secluded royal stables.