As a Responsible Gun Owner, I Can’t Fucking Wait To Shoot a Bad Gun Owner

Posted on by Matt Bieker

As the nation reels from yet another senseless act of violence perpetrated against the innocent, I’d like to offer the citizens of TOWN NAME GOES HERE my heartfelt prayers and condolences in their moment of grief. I have few words of comfort to give, but only one truth: Fuck I wish I had been there to get a few shots at that motherfucker.

I say this not as a hero, but as one of the nation’s millions of gun owners, a man (obviously) who recognizes that it is my god-given right and solemn duty to protect my family, my community, and indeed my country from the scourge that is other gun owners.

That’s right, irresponsible gun owners like SHOOTER’S NAME have betrayed the freedoms granted to us by our constitution, the same freedoms paid for with the lives of our service members, police, first responders, pizza delivery people, concert-goers, nightclub patrons, simple passersby, teachers, and literal children. And I’m here to make it clear, I’m fucking coming for you.

It’s scary to think about, but it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between a reasonable gun owner like myself and a murderous lunatic.

I can promise you this: If and when that time comes, I will drop that piece of shit with a smile on my face. Hell, I’m smiling right now just thinking about it. And that doesn’t just go for active shooters: any gun owner I personally deem to be acting irresponsibly is going home with a few extra ounces of lead.

Store your gun outside of a combination lock safe? Bang.

Finger on the trigger before you’re ready to fire? Fuck you.

Confuse a .357 with a 9mm? When you get to hell, tell em I sent ya.

You better pray to God that barrel is oiled properly because I promise you mine is.

The only way to secure a safe and civil society for our children that are still alive is to use the tools our founding fathers enshrined in the Second Amendment for their intended purpose—absolutely dumping 50 rounds per minute from an extended capacity magazine I bought from the internet.

There’s a simple truth that liberals, doctors, developed nations’ governments, and other freedom-haters just can’t get their heads around: Guns save lives—except for the ones I’m about to take.

5 DIY Home Repair Tips That Will Make You Lash Out in Frustration at Your Family, the Only People Who Truly Love You

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The worst part of home ownership is the constant maintenance, after property taxes, the insane paperwork of mortgages, and the looming sense that you are investing into owning something that has no real value other than what the racist oligarchs who rule the economy happen to decide that day. But, really, it’s the constant maintenance. And while some repairs are best handled by a licensed and bonded professional, there are plenty that savvy homeowners can do for themselves.

Here are five DIY home repair tips that will save you tons of money, as long as you don’t mind experiencing such intense frustration that it causes you to lash out emotionally (and maybe even physically!) at your family, who just want to help you and love you, you asshole.

Tip #1: Unclog a toilet using regular dishwasher soap! If you can’t fix that blocked pipe with a plunger because your dumb, inconsiderate family breaks everything, just pour in half a cup of Palmolive and let it sit until it loosens up. The time it takes to soak in is perfect to build up intense resentment, even though you know deep inside that it’s not their fault, it’s your own idiot fault for letting yourself get this mad.

Tip #2: Window Winterization! Did you know that for the cost of some plastic wrap, double-sided tape, and the look in your children’s eyes when you snap your fingers at them to get out of the way, you can cut down on your heating bills by 70%?

Despite that, the winter is going to be cold and lonely, you dumb jerk. They love you.

Tip #3: Drywall Isn’t Hard! Just remember to measure carefully, use a rotary cutting tool, and pay attention to the fucking composition of the walls. Is that so fucking hard? Is it? Can’t you do even that? Oh god, honey, we didn’t mean it, we didn’t. We’re sorry.

Tip #4: Goddamn it, hold it. Hold that steady!

Tip #5: Remove Sticker Residue with Cooking Oil! You might think those nasty sticker smears are on your furniture forever after your kids decided they needed to make that wardrobe “prettier,” but all you need to do is dab a paper towel with oil and let it sit over the sticker for a few minutes. The only thing forever is your family knowing at all it takes for you to lose your goddamn mind and make them feel unsafe is some stupid sticker residue.

You sad, pathetic person. You’re losing them, you know.

Texas Punk Using Gov. Abbott Migrant Bus for Free Trip to New York City

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SAN ANTONIO — Local punk Issah Rooney is taking advantage of Governor Abbott’s cruel and inhumane policy of busing migrants to northern US cities by hitching a free ride, amused sources report.

“Don’t get me wrong, Abbott is a trash bag tyrant, and I really hope another oak tree comes along and finishes the job. But the thing is, there’s a bunch of bands in New York I’ve been wanting to see,” said Rooney. “And turns out, border agents are just as dumb as regular cops because it was super easy to get on the buses. Me and a bunch of my friends told the migrants they could crash at our places for a while. Then when the pigs asked our names we just said ‘Que?’ ‘til they moved on. 27 hours later I was drunk and chowing on glizzys at Grey’s Papaya.”

Governor Abbott was seemingly unaware his buses had been overtaken by the state’s alt community.

“My opponents claim this is just a publicity stunt, or I’m so inept that I’m sending these illegals away because I can barely take care of Texas citizens as it is. But as a devout Christian, I know in my heart this is the right thing to do. Wasn’t it Jesus who said ‘For I was hungry, so you sent me to Chicago for food?’” said Abbott, looking around the room for validation. “And frankly, you should see some of these Mexican immigrants. With their stick and poke neck tattoos, studded leather belts, American accents, and intimate knowledge of Naked Raygun’s discography. There’s no room for people like that in Texas.”

Spokesperson for The Immigration Advocate Network Fiona Aguirre applauded the Texans’ actions.

“I only wish more people would take similar measures to disrupt Gov. Abbott’s manufactured humanitarian crisis. Furthermore, I recommend punks in other red states find creative ways to fuck with their moron Republican leader’s Draconian policies,” said Aguirre. “For example, there’s no reason why Alabama crusties can’t declare Darby Crash their God and demand a statue of him be erected outside of state courthouses.”

At press time, Abbott started begging for federal aid after New York State retaliated by sending four buses of NYC hardcore kids to Waco.

How to Ruin Both Your Soda Stream and Your Sobriety in 5 Easy Steps

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

First of all, hello, I’m Colleen, and I’m 24 months sober. Pretty cool, right? If you’re reading this and anything like me, you’ve probably fallen off the wagon a couple of times, but I’d like to personally commend you for sticking with it. Being a recovering alcoholic is hard work, so I like to make little games of everyday tasks when I can.

I recently bought a Soda Stream so I can make my own seltzer and pop at home! Here are some of my favorite things to do with my new appliance in the name of staying healthy, followed by the thing I actually did to keep my cycle of substance abuse spinning.

1. Stare Longingly at the Bottle of Wine You Got Recently In a Moment of Weakness

Ah, wow, yeah, that’s funny! This is gonna be a struggle right from the get-go, isn’t it? I really was hoping to use this thing for like, artisanal spritzers and shit, but…I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? A Soda Stream can definitely handle alcohol, right?

During this step it’s important to tell yourself that you won’t actually drink it, you’ll just let your roommates enjoy it. You’re just being a cool roommate, not falling off the wagon! Yeah!

2. Give In and Grab That Fucker

Fuck, okay, we’re gonna give this a shot I guess. Uncork that baby and take a deep whiff, and God, that smells good. Resist the urge to just drink some out of the bottle — we’re doing this for science, not so you can get fucking hammered at 11 am like you used to.

I just wanna see if this works, that’s all.

3. Pour The Whole Fucking Thing In

We’re committed now, so let’s do this thing! Dump the contents of your delicious Malbec right into the little plastic bottle of your Soda Stream, screw it in, and start carbonating, baby!

I should probably have one sip, just to make sure I’m not giving my roommates bad soda wine. I can spit it out though, no big deal.

4. Realize This Isn’t Going to Work

Shit — oh god, there’s fizzy red wine everywhere, and your Soda Stream is making weird fucking noises. God dammit, this is going to be a huge pain to clean up. This is a fucking mess. FUCK.

This is the kind of shit that makes you really want a drink.

5. Consider Calling Your Sponsor and Drink the Results Instead

Ok don’t panic, don’t panic, you’re having a moment of crisis. This is what your sponsor is for. All you have to do is not grab the half-carbonated remnants and chug them, and hop on the phone instead.

Just fucking kidding. Bottoms up!

Probably for the Best: Noggin Is Pulling the Episode of “Bill Nye the Science Guy” Where Bill Teaches You and Your Horny Friend How To Create a Woman With Your Computer

Posted on by Dan Rice

Whether you’re a parent trying to educate your children, a nostalgic ‘90s kid, or just an idiot who still needs basic science explained to you, Bill Nye The Science Guy is the infotainment you need! Unfortunately, not every episode has aged well.

In light of the modern cultural climate, Noggin has decided to pull the episode of Bill Nye The Science Guy in which Bill instructs you and your horn-dog buddy to put bras on your head and use your computer to create a nubile, godlike woman who will obey your every command from it’s streaming library.

The show is now prefaced with the following message from Noggin:

“Due to its antiquated objectification of women, the ethical questions raised by creating sentient life, and the threat to national security presented by the ownership of an omnipotent sex woman, we have decided to pull the episode of Bill Nye The Science Guy titled “Build-a-babe.” Enjoy the comparatively more wholesome episodes about building potato clocks and what clouds are.”

While this is objectively the right call, we made the mistake of asking what you think about Noggin’s decision on Twitter. Here are the top replies:

“First I can’t see Ken Jeong in blackface, and now this? Thanks a lot, lib-cucks!”
@electricboogadude

“I would not personally allow my horny stepson to watch that particular episode, but it should be my choice, not the choice of a corporation.”
@SonSoHorny6969

“When I was growing up me and my buddy Mark (my horniest friend at the time) made a woman on our computer. She made us a gang of mutant bikers, and they took over our entire town. Looking back on it now, it was a formative experience and probably the best summer of my whole life.”
@finnwolfhard

“Kids today are being robbed of a real childhood. They don’t go outside anymore, they live on their goddam phones, and they don’t create sentient computer gods that are also super hot. It’s sad.”
@HornyMark_09

NPR’s Tiny Desk Acquired By Live Nation

Posted on by Jose Balderas

WASHINGTON — Live Nation, the largest entertainment promoter in North America, paid an undisclosed amount of cash to buy the world-famous NPR Tiny Desk in a blockbuster acquisition, confirmed disappointed local donors.

“Live Nation is already putting together an experience Tiny Desk would not be able to provide in such a small and intimate setting,” said Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino. “We’ve got the best pyro techs in the industry working on a spectacular show that’s going to accompany our upcoming Coldplay tour. The original desk didn’t work for our vision, so we’ve tripled its size, which will be surrounded by a slew of other smaller desks around it and bring what will be the most high-tech experience currently on tour. NPR’s reach is notably smaller than our email list and we expect the arenas we’re coming into to be at capacity at every stop.”

While some long-time Tiny Desk fans aren’t sure what to make of the acquisition, the development was well received at NPR headquarters.

“Even though it hurts to sell such an established part of NPR’s rich musical history, the long-term benefits are astronomical,” stated NPR CFO Deborah Cowan. “We’ve struggled with getting people to donate, because you know we operate with donations from listeners like you. We couldn’t keep begging knowing so many people in their cars would turn the volume down when the donation script was being read or just straight up thought ‘I’ll do it next time.’ Now, look at what happened. We had to give up our prized Tiny Desk so we can keep ‘Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me’ alive.

Randy McNalle, a Live Nation customer who cannot figure out how to unsubscribe from the promoter’s email list, was one of the first people to receive an email blast about upcoming Tiny Desk concerts.

“This is depressing. As a long-time listener I’m devastated NPR did the worst thing possible and sold out like so many of our heroes,” stated McNalle. “I don’t think I’ll be attending the tour because I don’t care for any of those acts and the email I got said the next Tiny Desk tour will be Twenty-One Pilots opening for KISS! I’m beyond crushed! NPR said the sale was to cover funding but how can that be when we’ve all spoken very highly of their programming for years? It’s almost like my tweet about how I really enjoy ‘Up First’ was worthless.”

At press time, LiveNation has renamed the tour to “Rockstar Energy Drink Presents Tiny Desk.”

Dinosaur Jr., Weezer, And Superchunk to Headline Black Plastic Glasses Convention

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

CHICAGO — Bespectacled acts Dinosaur Jr., Weezer, and Superchunk are billed to hit the star-burst stage at this year’s Black Thick-Rimmed Glasses Convention, vision-impaired music enthusiasts report.

“Listen, we traffic in irony, and traffic is bustling,” show promoter Vance Vargle stated. “Half-remembered bygone eras, shabby chic sweaters… and that style outlier since the 90s is the false nerdy glasses. The only issue is our consumers are no longer solely found in urban areas. How do we get them to congregate again? Well, we play them the siren calls of a vaguely nerdy guy writing songs to a woman he will never actually talk to, and those nerds will be wrecking their wimpy bodies on the rocks of our nostalgia in no time.”

Excitement was high in the convention hall as vendors and showgoers arrived.

“This is big, really big,” stated black-rimmed glasses adorned Ferguson “Fergwad” Stoker. “I had no idea there was an entire music genre specifically for folks like me with astigmatism, but there it is! It’s like going to a baseball game and meeting the team mascots, but these mascots are just normal-sized humans with slightly oversized glasses. Now if I could just get these Dinosaur Jr. fans to stop giving me wedgies I will be having the best time I’ve ever had at a concert, outside from the time I saw Weird Al with my mom.”

The convention lineup attracted more than just the vision impaired as audiophiles arrived in droves.

“I was really hoping for the Get Up Kids, but I have to admit that Weezer was a great get,” commented avid music enthusiast, Jenny Staleman. “Without them, who knows if we would have The Anniversary, Reggie and the Full Effect, or even Ozma. And truly where would music be without Casiotone for the Painfully Alone? I’m fully prepared to name a minimum of 50 more bands if anyone asks, but as a fully vision-able person, I’m more worried about presenting as a true black-rimmed glasses enthusiast. Luckily a vendor was selling commemorative plastic glasses outside so I can blend without being socially accosted for the authenticity of my presence.”

At press time, organizers were reaching out to flannel shirt designers to sponsor next year’s convention.

How To Support Your Friends Unless They’re Doing Better Than You

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Being a good friend means more than just texting someone every few months to see if they can drive you to the airport on short notice. It actually involves supporting them in their goals in life, no matter how out of reach they may be. Unless, of course, they’re doing better than you. In which case, fuck those unworthy fucks.

Not exactly sure how to spot your true friends? They’re the ones who are doing worse than you. So here are a few ways you can be a real friend to those clearly beneath you:

Listen
Whenever one of your broke friends goes on and on about never having any money, just listen. Poor people love that. And if listening gets too boring, try thinking about something else entirely until they’re done with their little soliloquy. The trick is to make it look like you’re listening. But if they’re wealthier than you, simply end the conversation the minute they use the term 401k.

Reach Out
If you’re concerned about a friend’s emotional well-being, get in touch and ask them how they’re doing. Text, call, email. It doesn’t even matter. A simple one-off “u up?” should suffice. However, if your friends seem to be thriving at all mentally, simply go about your day as if they never existed. Out of sight, out of mind.

Compliment Them
Did your friend just start a creative hobby and it’s complete garbage, yet they’re considering opening an Etsy shop to sell it and earn an extra $5 a month on the side? Definitely shower them with kindness to boost their confidence. At least until they give up on their own. However, if their online store that sells handmade throw pillows in the shape of Timothy Olyphant’s face is doing absolute numbers, do not buy any for yourself no matter how badass they’d look on your couch.

Give Advice
There’s nothing your friends will like more than your personal opinion on their nuanced problems, especially if it’s unsolicited. If they’re going through something emotional, definitely tell them how they should fix it quickly so you can go back to talking about yourself. But what if they’re doing better than you? Still give them advice, but make sure it’s absolute dog shit of an opinion. That way it’ll knock them down a level so you can view them as friends again.

Concertgoer Finishes Adjusting Earplugs in Time for Final Chorus of Encore Song

Posted on by John Danek

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Audience member Dustin Toms finally positioned his earplugs perfectly in his ear canals just in time to enjoy indie garage band Iris Ever’s final chorus of their encore song, sympathetic friends reported.

“I started inserting my $60 Earfreak earplugs right before the set—that’s where the problems started,” stated Toms, who also wears disposable plastic shoe covers to concerts out of fear of damaging his sneakers. “They kept slipping out while making this creaking sound because my ears are so waxy. Then I tried jamming them in as hard as I could which caused me to panic thinking I couldn’t pull them out again. This process basically repeated the whole show. Anyways, I finally got them dialed in right as the show was ending. Had a blast singing along to the last few lines and would definitely go see them play that final chorus again live the next time they come to town.”

Friends of Toms are critical of his caution-focused approach to attending live music events.

“I don’t know why Dustin can’t just chill out and enjoy the music without jumping through all these hoops,” screamed friend Peter O’Reilly, who has already suffered substantial hearing loss at age 24. “How can you feel the music if it’s not assaulting your brain? It will never sound as good with earplugs in. And a side benefit is that when I’m older, I won’t have to act like I can’t hear my annoying kids and grandkids—I genuinely won’t be able to hear much of anything. Win/win. Two birds. Et cetera.”

Otolaryngologists offered professional advice for concertgoers who wish to protect their hearing.

“There’s a fine line between protecting your hearing and ruining the live music experience entirely,” said ear, nose, and throat specialist Dr. Wendy Wilcott at First Presbyterian Hospital. “My general guidance to patients is to use earplugs if it’s a band you’re lukewarm on. But if they’re one of your top 10, you should probably just rawdog it. Yes, you’ll suffer immeasurable hearing damage. But you don’t want to miss any sick guitar licks or drum fills.”

Sources report that Toms is self-sabotaging his enjoyment of the Summer Forever Music Festival by repeatedly running to shade and reapplying sunscreen in lieu of actually watching any band play.

Review: Social Distortion “Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week, The Hard Times travels back and revisits a notable album from punk history. Except for this week, when we got drunk and listened to Social Distortion’s “Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes” instead.

We began our review process as we always do, with a hollow promise to our editor that we wouldn’t write it while listening to the album through a shitty jukebox and slamming doubles at LongShots all night. Obviously, this was a lie.

Unfortunately, we forgot that it was karaoke night on Wednesdays and the jukebox was turned off. But we were able to quickly improvise a solution by offering a shot of rail bourbon to anyone willing to perform a song off the album as their choice of karaoke night jam.

This tactic resulted in seven separate versions of “Machine Gun Blues” being sung as well as one cover of “Reach For the Sky,” which only later did we learn was not a track from this album. Still though, we felt like we had enough to get the gist of it and proceeded to begin our review.

That’s when we noticed some hack from Pitchfork was eyeing us up from down the bar like he was trying to start some shit. We thought to ourselves “what would Mike Ness do in this situation?” So we walked over and flicked a lit cigarette at the pretentious motherfucker before beating him senseless with a ridiculously-chalked pool cue.

Anyways, after the bouncer pulled us apart and the police began taking statements from everyone, we realized we still have not begun our review of the album. This didn’t matter so much as karaoke had ended and our company laptop was entirely lost in the fray.

Still, we felt as though the night that the album inspired, and the bail posting which the site will almost certainly not cover, were a pretty good analogy for how this record feels overall.

SCORE: 8 out of 10 pool cues busted over a hipster’s sternum

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