Report: Self-Diagnosed Insomnia Completely Unrelated to Nightly Bottle of Red Wine

Posted on by Dave McNamara

WASHINGTON — A new report from the National Institute of Health finds that rates of insomnia claimed by many late-thirties and forty-year-olds are totally valid and not at all connected to nightly excessive alcohol consumption.

“Every night at around 3 a.m. I wake up with a headache and a dry throat. I drink a glass of water then lie in bed for the next two hours and can’t get back to sleep,” said Carrie Johanssen, local single mom. “I used to think it was scrolling on my phone in bed that was keeping me up, so I turned on night mode. Then I thought that maybe I just needed to be more mindful, so I started trying meditation apps, but that wasn’t it either. I’m really at my wit’s end. All I want is to be able to go to work, come home, drink five or six glasses of wine, then get a good night’s rest. I don’t know what the problem is.”

Dr. Deshaun Harris, the author of the report, spent nearly a year combing through data to find his results.

“Self-Diagnosed Insomnia, or SDI, is an epidemic among geriatric millennials and Gen-Xers,” said Harris. “The single most contributing factor is actually anxiety. This group of people are in a unique position to have to worry about early professional issues such as finding gainful employment with health insurance, while also having to worry about retirement and social security. This leads to an enormous amount of stress, which can impact sleep. Through our research, we reached the conclusion that these individuals should do anything in their power to help get better sleep, be it buying a noise machine or continuing to drink four-dollar pinot noirs from Trader Joe’s each night.”

Chair of the Sleep Research Department at the University of Oregon Cassandra Vaney had some advice for people struggling with SDI.

“The absolute first thing someone with SDI needs to do is confirm their suspicion. Get on Web MD or do a very brief Google search to confirm that you suffer from this condition and not from any life poor choices you might make on a regular basis. It’s important to establish a baseline first,” said Vaney. “The next step is simply blame the condition for being groggy at meetings or snapping at loved ones and friends. Remember, this is a largely incurable condition, so it’s important for the people in your life to understand that there’s absolutely no way you can prevent a flare up.”

At press time, SDI cases surpassed both Seasonal Affective Disorder and ADHD in confirmation bias through self-diagnosis.

Goth Hanging Out at Cemetery Annoyed by Grieving Family

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

PORTLAND, Ore. – Goth and frequent cemetery visitor Madison Gardiner had her day ruined by a “comically loud” grieving family saying a last farewell to their grandmother, teary-eyed bystanders reported.

“I was having a pretty good day feeding the crows until the waterworks family came along, ruining my view of all the graves. Apparently, their grandmother was 94 and they’re crying like it was a surprise she was gonna die,” said Gardiner while glaring at the family. “They were bawling so loud I could hear them from inside the mausoleum and it was disturbing all the spiders living in there. I started playing some Sisters of Mercy on my Bluetooth to drown them out and everyone’s acting like I’m the bad guy here. I’m not the one dampening everyone’s spirits by crying in public. Save that shit for the bathroom, like real grown-ups.”

Members of the grief-stricken family were shocked and appalled when the wake was rudely interrupted.

“Look, it’s been a dreary week for the Jackson family. First, our grandmother passed away, then I’m expected to fork up $7,500 for the funeral. And to top it all off, little miss no sunshine had to ruin the vibes for everyone,” said Devon Jackson, the patriarch of the Jackson family. “It’s one thing to casually hang out in the shadows and observe the funeral from a distance, but to recite your own shitty nihilistic poetry as a last-minute eulogy for a complete stranger is where I draw the line! At least she was properly dressed in all black.”

The groundskeeper of the cemetery, Randall Webber, also has had several altercations with the goth, leading to heightened tensions.

“Listen, I’m no stranger to goth culture. I even used to own a black cat, so I guess you could say I’m basically Bela Lugosi reincarnated. But why is she even here at 9 a.m. on a Tuesday? That’s like, the least goth time imaginable,” said an upset Webber. “This isn’t even the first time she’s done something like this. One time, I found her attempting to dig up a grave because she wanted to get fashion inspiration from the corpses. Why can’t she just be a normal person and dress like a Tim Burton character.”

At press time, Gardiner was found leaving the cemetery after another wave of October posers came to ruin her peace and quiet.

Cursed Amulet Doesn’t Go With Anything

Posted on by Doug Kolic

MINNEAPOLIS — Frustrated local teen Amber Bronte complained to anyone who’ll listen, that the cursed amulet she unknowingly purchased at a haunted thrift store doesn’t go with anything in her wardrobe, confirmed multiple annoyed sources who mysteriously started aging rapidly.

“Ugh, total bummer. I thought I found the perfect piece to accentuate my neckline, only to learn it’s not only cursed, but tragically, it doesn’t match my vibe,” stated a disappointed Bronte shooing away the murder of crows which have been following her since she came into the item’s possession. “I was so stoked after I got that strange Eastern European man with eleven fingers to come down on the price of the amulet, but when I got home the stupid thing changed into an ugly crimson color which totally clashed with my natural color palette. Fuck my life.”

Bronte’s long-time friend Joanne Calderon expressed alarm that her friend wasn’t more concerned her soul was now doomed for eternity.

“Classic Amber,” explained Calderon, rolling her eyes. “She’s always missing the big picture of things so this isn’t really a surprise. You think she’d complain less about the necklace not going with her new H&M cardigan than the fact that she’s been visited nightly by a ghostly apparition imploring her to surrender to the power of Satan, but here we are. To be honest, being her friend is sometimes super exhausting. It reminds me of the time she had that monkey paw and tried making that a fashion accessory.”

Renowned folklore scholar Dr. Timothy Nilsson, described how our fashion-forward society has set a high bar with all types of accessories, even haunted ones.

“The rising cost of living has people wanting their paychecks to go as far as they can, even when it comes to maleficent jewelry,” said Dr. Nilsson. “Kids these days spend a lot of time and money on their personal brands, so a damned amulet better bring value to them, like its ability to turn heads at prom or its photo blowing up Instagram. Otherwise, it’s just another useless piece of junk, albeit one that has the power to offer them immortality in exchange for an everlasting blood oath to the Dark Lord himself. You know, pretty typical teenage stuff.”

At press time, Bronte was heard griping that the evil force festering inside her has caused the WIFI to go out before she could upload her daily fashion ‘hot take’ to her followers.

The Only Thing That Can Stop a Bad Dream Demon With Knives for Fingers Is a Good Dream Demon With Knives for Fingers

Posted on by Dan Rice

Over the years I have received mounting criticism for exercising my right to wield a homemade knife glove and enter the dreams of local children. I understand these voices are coming from, what with the rise in school shootings and children being mysteriously “blended in water beds,” but I find them to be tragically misguided.

Let me make something perfectly clear: Finger knives and dream walks don’t kill children, people kill children. And the only thing stopping people who choose to kill your children by walking into their dreams with finger knives are people like me, who are doing it out of civic duty.

I would love it if we had a system that didn’t release child killers on technicality, leaving them to be burned to death in an act of mob justice that inadvertently imbues them with the ability to enter our children’s nightmares. Unfortunately, I live in reality.

The solution to dream violence in America does not lay in banning the invasion of children’s dreams with knife gloves. They tried that in Australia, and it was a disaster. All these bans do is emboldened criminal demons who already have knife gloves and dream powers to slaughter freely, knowing that law-abiding dream demons are powerless to stop them.

I understand that no parent likes the idea of a stranger walking around their children’s dreams brandishing weapons, but let me paint an even more frightening scenario for you. It’s late at night. Your kid is watching television, unaware that they have fallen asleep and slipped into the dream world. The television morphs into a burned man with robot arms welcoming them to “prime time” by smashing their friggen head through the screen and no one is there to save them because you voted democrat. Pretty scary!

If anything we need more dream demons with more knives for fingers. Imagine if every teacher was required to carry a knife glove and patrol the dreamscapes of their students every night. Sure, it would be an adjustment, but it’s a small price to pay to guarantee your child’s safety.

Kinda Spooky I Guess: The Band We Came To See at This Dive Bar Broke up 30 Years Ago This Very Night

Posted on by Dan Rice

Our tour van broke down in one of that small town full of secrets/Twin Peaksy type places. We had to wait till morning for our drummer’s rich dad to have it fixed (he’s a for-shit drummer but we keep him on for just such occasions)so we decided to make the most of it.

In the lobby of the Inn, which is like a motel but creepier and expensive, we saw a flier for a show at some dive bar in walking distance. The band was called Devilfuck, which sounded punk enough for rural Oregon to us, so we decided to check it out. In hindsight, the guy at the desk did sort of ominously cackle as we headed out, but we figured he was just weird.

We walk into this old divey bar, about two dozen patrons smattered throughout. Everyone seemed chummy with each other and paid us no mind until we asked the bouncer “What time does Devilfuck go on?” and everyone in the building just froze. They stared at us horrified, as if we were ghosts, for what felt like 5 straight minutes. Finally, this giant dude lurches forward, like he’s afraid to get too close, and in a quivering voice says “Devilfuck broke up at this bar… 30 years ago… this very night!”

We were like “Oh, okay…” and they just stared at us. Some of them were making circular gestures with their hands as if to say “Are you getting it? The spooky-spooky thing we’re telling you?” but like, we really didn’t.

We saw an old flier. So the fuck what? I really don’t get what these townsfolk are so freaked out over.

We felt too awkward to leave, and it turned out there was a band called Satansex playing anyway, so we hung around, but everyone kept ominously alluding to Devilfuck’s breakup at us. I ordered a Coors light and the barkeep was all “Oh… that’s the beer MIKE ordered that fateful night when he got on that there stage and said ‘This be our last show,’ hand to God!” Okay, great.

Two of the guys who were in Devilfuck were actually at the fucking bar, but they just acted as inexplicably spooked and dumbfounded as everyone else. They did confirm that all 4 members are alive and well and pretty much still friends and stuff, so no answers there.

Well, we’re pretty sick of this. People keep coming up to us and saying things like “They decided to focus on their families” but in a voice like they just said something super scary. Time to head home.

UPDATE: We made it back to the Inn, and it’s not there. Turns out it burned down 30 years ago, and that cackling Inn keeper was a ghost. Which IS scary, but like, lead with that next time townspeople!

Boyfriend Without Bedframe Admits It Because He’s Afraid of Monsters

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NORFOLK, Va. — Local boyfriend Byron Hogarth admitted that his lack of a bedframe was a conscious choice to avoid the possibility of monsters hiding under it, skeptical sources confirmed.

“It’s just an extra safety precaution. If there is no under the bed, there’s no place for a monster to be. I think it’s logical, and now that it’s out there, I have no choice but to stand by my decision. I’ve also hired a local construction company to fill my closet with concrete which will seal off any scary intruders from that angle as well,” said the 31-year-old Hogarth. “It’s scary out there. Especially now that I live on my own, and there’s no parents’ room for me to traipse into in the middle of the night if I see one. Nope, it’s time to be a big boy, and that means sleeping on a loose mattress on the floor.”

Hogarth’s girlfriend Rita Wadsworth was admittedly confused, but has chosen to take her partner’s cowardice in stride.

“At first, I just assumed it was out of sheer laziness. I’m honestly more relieved than anything to find out that it was not only a thoughtful measure, but one of protection…in a way,” said Wadsworth. “It got me thinking that I should get rid of my bedframe too. Better safe than sorry. I’ll never be with anyone with a bedframe ever again. I’m just imagining waking up to grab a glass of water and being pulled straight down into Hell all because a mattress has an eight-inch lift. I’ve learned my lesson.”

Not everyone is as enthusiastic about Hogarth’s methods, most notably his childhood monster The Boogey Man.

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him. I’ve been wanting to reconnect ever since he left for college. I hear he has a girlfriend now, and both the Boogey Ma’am and I would love to do a double-date night sometime,” said the iconic monster. “But I have no way of getting to him without that bedframe. The little guy was always so smart. Oh boy, when he was little he had these bunk beds, they were just beautiful. Double the chance to be under. It was a golden age for us, but what else is there for a bubble to do but burst, I guess…You wanna talk about scary? That’s scary right there.”

At bedtime, Hogarth was notified that, despite his lack of bedframe, he was still unfortunately at high risk for being gotten by monsters due to not being completely all the way under the covers.

Director Accidentally Locked in Criterion Closet for Weeks Forced to Eat Own Films

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NEW YORK — Legendary auteur director Phillip Schaeffer was reportedly trapped in his Criterion closet and forced to survive on nothing but his own films for 48 hours, sources confirmed.

“Here I was making my selections for their YouTube channel, We Wrap, and with the slam of a door everyone’s gone for the weekend!” said a shaken Schaeffer. “A director gets hungry, you know, and I wasn’t about to eat anyone else’s work, especially when I believe so heartily in my own. But I’ll tell you, I was surprised at how awful some of my pictures tasted. Some movies are good with popcorn, but mine need a little cumin, maybe some rosemary to make it somewhat palatable.”

Schaeffer was found early Monday morning by custodian Jake Resnick, who was understandably horrified at the sight.

“Oh, the image is burned in my brain. I’ll never forget unlocking the closet during my morning rounds and bearing witness to him cannibalizing his own movies,” said Resnick, with a faraway look in his eye. “Chilling stuff. I’d say it would make a great movie scene, but it’s not something I’d want to revisit. There’s just something very disturbing about seeing a grown man with a face full of film strips…I’m still cleaning up the snap case shards.”

Though it isn’t recommended, survival experts say that one can survive on physical media for a prolonged amount of time.

“When stranded, you have to know what can and cannot be used as precious nutrients. In this incidence, Blu-Rays are typically very good sources of protein, especially from your big box-office draws. I keep a copy of Penny Marshall’s ‘Big’ in my satchel at all times, just to be safe,” said survivalist Husky Rhodes. “Unfortunately, the more arthouse you get, the more bitter and unpleasant the taste can be. In Mr. Schaeffer’s case, his films are very minimalist, often set in rural areas, not a lot of dialogue. So he’d have to eat just about every Criterion edition of his ‘Ranch Hand Requiem’ (1998) just to equal a single bite of ‘Dumb and Dumber.’”

At press time, an emaciated Schaeffer said he was looking forward to getting home and “binging an entire season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” although it is unclear in which way he meant it.

Rest of Goth Band Really Wishes New Guitarist Would Stop Wearing Big Floppy Gardening Hat With Sunflower on It

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Sullen members of goth-rock band Vacant Belfry are reportedly embarrassed with their new guitarist’s proclivity for perpetually donning a big floppy gardening hat with a sunflower on it, exasperated sources confirmed.

“So far, he’s absolutely ruined three attempts at photo shoots with that stupid, ridiculous hat. We’ve tried hiding it, we’ve tried making fun of him, even pleading with him to spray paint it black…nothing works,” said Vacant Belfry singer Tina Ephraim. “He just keeps rolling up to shows with that monstrosity on. Not to mention that chipper smile! If only he wasn’t so good at the guitar, we’d kick him out just for being jolly. Curse his ability to shred!”

Ted Pheasants, the hat-wearing guitarist in question, took the rest of the band’s repeated pleas to throw it away as merely gentle suggestions.

“I’ll defend this big floppy gardening hat with the sunflower on it till the day I die. Heck, I see it as a part of me, and thus, a part of my art. I wouldn’t be surprised if I get some of my guitar skills from the good vibes this hat brings me,” said Pheasants. “I get that the sunflower may not scream ‘goth’ at face value, but think about it: that flower’s dead. Long dead. I’m basically wearing a corpse up there. Nothing more goth than that, I reckon.”

The guitarist’s mother Ms. Penelope Grier-Pheasants has, perhaps surprisingly, taken the rest of the band’s side.

“I’m not saying he doesn’t look downright dear in it, but the simple fact remains: my geraniums need tending to, and I need that hat back,” said Grier-Pheasants. “He can get his own big floppy gardening hat, but that certain big floppy gardening hat—the one with the sunflower on it—has been mine all along. Maybe I’ll get him one for his birthday, or even a few so he can share with his little bandmates. That ought to brighten their day, I saw them grabbing at mine. And from the looks of those kids, they need all the brightness they can get.”

At press time, members of Vacant Belfry were further embarrassed after Pheasants showed up to practice with matching overalls he just got back from the dry cleaners, noting that the sunflower on them was even larger than the one on the gardening hat.

We Revisit Our Sexual Orientation Because Paramore Just Released a New Song

Posted on by Sara Mellas

It had been five years and five months since Paramore last graced our eardrums with new music, but on September 28th the veteran pop-punk band gifted us “This Is Why,” the first single off their upcoming sixth studio album. Our review is two words: Hubba. Hubba.

Just when we thought we knew exactly where we sat on the sexuality spectrum, Paramore had to drop a banger and look so good doing it that we’ve been forced to reevaluate what we’re into.

Hayley Williams has been a smoldering short baddie since day one according to most experts. But this 33-year-old version of Hayley? The shiny red platform boots! The CEO-ing of a successful hair dye company! The false eyelashes! The fervent advocacy for civil rights! Color us eternally seduced by this flame-maned siren. We will follow her song to the ends of the emo revival and back.

As for guitarist Taylor York, not only have his funk-influenced riffs and catchy progressions been a force in Paramore’s musical evolution, but we just want to wrap ourselves up in a strand of his perfectly coiled locks. With a five o’clock shadow that holds steadfast through all hours of the day and night, his look practically screams, “I have great manners.” We defy you to think of anything hotter.

Then there’s drummer Zac Farro, who’s always dressed like the foxiest 32-year-old grandpa you’ve ever seen. His beats are driving, his fills are furious, and his collection of hats looks very handsome on his head. We don’t even need to mention that delicate, stealth mustache, but we’ll say this: we want it to be on our faces, too.

It’s going to take us some time to calibrate all these feelings and redetermine what our sexual orientation is. Honestly, we won’t even try until after the full-length album gets released. But while we wait and figure it out, any or all members of Paramore can get it.

Man Figures He Should Get Twisted, Demonic Face Growing Out of His Back Looked At

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PARAMUS, N.J. — Local man Mike Jarbowski finally decided to seek medical treatment for the twisted, demonic face growing out his back after weeks dealing with the wretched figure, his family has reported.

“Being a plumber I’m in and out of old houses all the time, so I just chalked it up to an asbestos rash at first. I get busted up all the time on the job but that doesn’t mean I’m running to the doctor, I just put antiseptic cream on it and move on. But it was when my wife noticed there were teeth growing out of my back and it was speaking Latin that I figured I should pop into urgent care,” said Jarbowski. “Now this damn thing is cursing my family to burn in Hell all day, plus it’s the size of a watermelon and now none of my shirts fit. I’m hoping they can laser this little fucker off in outpatient surgery, I’m giving up overtime to get this thing looked at.”

While Jarbowski’s wife had been urging him to seek medical help for weeks, she now fears it may be too late to do anything.

“I’ve told him over and over not to take any non-union jobs fixing up creepy old houses. But does he listen? Of course not, and now he’s fated to be consumed by the unholy forces of the underworld. This is just like the time he came back with lice from that shut-in’s house, but at least those little fuckers weren’t trying to bite my tits off every 10 minutes,” said Stephanie Jarbowski. “At least this will make our Professor Quirell and McGonagall joint Halloween costumes much more realistic, if only that gaping maw can stop calling me a ‘stupid cunt’ constantly.”

Medical experts weighed in on the demonic prognosis, noting that trans-dimensional ailments can be serious if not treated.

“Most people don’t realize this, but not every search on the site snowballs into you potentially having cancer. There’s a small subsection near the bottom reserved for curses, hexes, and possessions. You’d be shocked how many staph infections turn into sentient demon claws,” said WebMD rep Charles Thompson. “The entity plaguing Mike is completely treatable, but needs immediate attention or at the very least switch up rubbing alcohol with holy water.”

After finally seeking treatment, Jarbowski was informed by his doctor that he would have to pay 100% out of pocket to remove the demon, as it was from a circle of Hell not covered by his HMO.

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