PORTLAND, Ore. – Goth and frequent cemetery visitor Madison Gardiner had her day ruined by a “comically loud” grieving family saying a last farewell to their grandmother, teary-eyed bystanders reported.
“I was having a pretty good day feeding the crows until the waterworks family came along, ruining my view of all the graves. Apparently, their grandmother was 94 and they’re crying like it was a surprise she was gonna die,” said Gardiner while glaring at the family. “They were bawling so loud I could hear them from inside the mausoleum and it was disturbing all the spiders living in there. I started playing some Sisters of Mercy on my Bluetooth to drown them out and everyone’s acting like I’m the bad guy here. I’m not the one dampening everyone’s spirits by crying in public. Save that shit for the bathroom, like real grown-ups.”
Members of the grief-stricken family were shocked and appalled when the wake was rudely interrupted.
“Look, it’s been a dreary week for the Jackson family. First, our grandmother passed away, then I’m expected to fork up $7,500 for the funeral. And to top it all off, little miss no sunshine had to ruin the vibes for everyone,” said Devon Jackson, the patriarch of the Jackson family. “It’s one thing to casually hang out in the shadows and observe the funeral from a distance, but to recite your own shitty nihilistic poetry as a last-minute eulogy for a complete stranger is where I draw the line! At least she was properly dressed in all black.”
The groundskeeper of the cemetery, Randall Webber, also has had several altercations with the goth, leading to heightened tensions.
“Listen, I’m no stranger to goth culture. I even used to own a black cat, so I guess you could say I’m basically Bela Lugosi reincarnated. But why is she even here at 9 a.m. on a Tuesday? That’s like, the least goth time imaginable,” said an upset Webber. “This isn’t even the first time she’s done something like this. One time, I found her attempting to dig up a grave because she wanted to get fashion inspiration from the corpses. Why can’t she just be a normal person and dress like a Tim Burton character.”
At press time, Gardiner was found leaving the cemetery after another wave of October posers came to ruin her peace and quiet.