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The Only Thing That Can Stop a Bad Dream Demon With Knives for Fingers Is a Good Dream Demon With Knives for Fingers

Over the years I have received mounting criticism for exercising my right to wield a homemade knife glove and enter the dreams of local children. I understand these voices are coming from, what with the rise in school shootings and children being mysteriously “blended in water beds,” but I find them to be tragically misguided.

Let me make something perfectly clear: Finger knives and dream walks don’t kill children, people kill children. And the only thing stopping people who choose to kill your children by walking into their dreams with finger knives are people like me, who are doing it out of civic duty.

I would love it if we had a system that didn’t release child killers on technicality, leaving them to be burned to death in an act of mob justice that inadvertently imbues them with the ability to enter our children’s nightmares. Unfortunately, I live in reality.

The solution to dream violence in America does not lay in banning the invasion of children’s dreams with knife gloves. They tried that in Australia, and it was a disaster. All these bans do is emboldened criminal demons who already have knife gloves and dream powers to slaughter freely, knowing that law-abiding dream demons are powerless to stop them.

I understand that no parent likes the idea of a stranger walking around their children’s dreams brandishing weapons, but let me paint an even more frightening scenario for you. It’s late at night. Your kid is watching television, unaware that they have fallen asleep and slipped into the dream world. The television morphs into a burned man with robot arms welcoming them to “prime time” by smashing their friggen head through the screen and no one is there to save them because you voted democrat. Pretty scary!

If anything we need more dream demons with more knives for fingers. Imagine if every teacher was required to carry a knife glove and patrol the dreamscapes of their students every night. Sure, it would be an adjustment, but it’s a small price to pay to guarantee your child’s safety.