NORFOLK, Va. — Local boyfriend Byron Hogarth admitted that his lack of a bedframe was a conscious choice to avoid the possibility of monsters hiding under it, skeptical sources confirmed.
“It’s just an extra safety precaution. If there is no under the bed, there’s no place for a monster to be. I think it’s logical, and now that it’s out there, I have no choice but to stand by my decision. I’ve also hired a local construction company to fill my closet with concrete which will seal off any scary intruders from that angle as well,” said the 31-year-old Hogarth. “It’s scary out there. Especially now that I live on my own, and there’s no parents’ room for me to traipse into in the middle of the night if I see one. Nope, it’s time to be a big boy, and that means sleeping on a loose mattress on the floor.”
Hogarth’s girlfriend Rita Wadsworth was admittedly confused, but has chosen to take her partner’s cowardice in stride.
“At first, I just assumed it was out of sheer laziness. I’m honestly more relieved than anything to find out that it was not only a thoughtful measure, but one of protection…in a way,” said Wadsworth. “It got me thinking that I should get rid of my bedframe too. Better safe than sorry. I’ll never be with anyone with a bedframe ever again. I’m just imagining waking up to grab a glass of water and being pulled straight down into Hell all because a mattress has an eight-inch lift. I’ve learned my lesson.”
Not everyone is as enthusiastic about Hogarth’s methods, most notably his childhood monster The Boogey Man.
“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him. I’ve been wanting to reconnect ever since he left for college. I hear he has a girlfriend now, and both the Boogey Ma’am and I would love to do a double-date night sometime,” said the iconic monster. “But I have no way of getting to him without that bedframe. The little guy was always so smart. Oh boy, when he was little he had these bunk beds, they were just beautiful. Double the chance to be under. It was a golden age for us, but what else is there for a bubble to do but burst, I guess…You wanna talk about scary? That’s scary right there.”
At bedtime, Hogarth was notified that, despite his lack of bedframe, he was still unfortunately at high risk for being gotten by monsters due to not being completely all the way under the covers.