Marvel Fan Outraged after Jean-Luc Godard’s Obituary Features Zero Post Credit Scenes

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

RIO RANCHO, N.M. — Self-proclaimed Marvel mega fan Devin Hume was shocked and outraged after seeing legendary filmmaker Jean-Luc Godard’s obituary featured absolutely no post-credit scenes, confirmed sources currently digging into the Godard-iverse.

“I’m a huge film buff. So even though I’ve never seen any of this John Luke guy’s movies, I still gave his obituary a read. But this thing is boring as hell. It’s all ‘cinema verite’ this and ‘innovative narrative structures,’ and assisted suicide, that. So, I skim all the way to the end, but there’s nothing there. No post-obituary scene, no cameos, just me, alone in my apartment, as always,” said Hume. “I mean, this guy is supposed to be some brilliant filmmaker, and his death didn’t even set up any sequels or spin-off TV series. I spent hours combing that whole website thinking maybe the Privacy Policy page or something would contain an easter egg hinting at Tarantino taking up Godard’s mantle. But I was just disappointed.”

Wife Elysha Underwood believes that her husband’s latest outburst is indicative of a larger mental issue.

“It’s not just movies. Marvel has completely warped Devin’s worldview,” said Underwood. “Last year, he shared with me his elaborate ‘fan theory’ on why his estranged father would make a surprise cameo at Christmas. And when that didn’t happen, he claimed ‘Feige works in mysterious ways’ and insists it’s all part of his grand plan for a heartfelt reunion in phase 5. I love him and I really want him to get help, but if he quips to me again that he wants to play ‘hide the zucchini’ I will divorce and/or murder him.”

Filmmaker Martin Scorcese claimed that Hume’s response was yet another sign of Marvel’s damaging effect on the film industry.

“I know I got flak for it, but I stand by what I said. Marvel movies are not real cinema. Too much CGI and product placement have completely destroyed the young generation’s attention spans. That’s why they can’t appreciate real art, like an eight-hour experimental film about a guy sleeping. Now that’s a movie,” said Scorcese. “Back in the ‘70s, me and Bobby never needed silly costumes and theme park rides to make films. All it took was a great story and enough cocaine to give a beluga Whale a coronary.”

In related news, DC movie fandom has been added to the DSM-5, and all DC fanboys are being preemptively put on suicide watch.

Photo by Gary Stevens.

Genetic Study Reveals 30% Of Canadians Have Broken Social Scene DNA

Posted on by Doug Kolic

OTTAWA — A recent study revealed that over 11 million Canadians, or roughly 30% of the country’s population, have Broken Social Scene DNA.

“We discovered the findings accidentally while testing the wastewater for infectious diseases like Covid and Monkeypox,” stated Gerry Lapine of the prestigious Sutherland Institute. “But then we noticed a new genome sequence which was replicating at an astonishing rate each time we tested. Our analysis confirmed that most Canadians at one time or another were either in or are direct descendants of Broken Social Scene. We knew the band had a lot of members, but the extent to which they have infiltrated our genetic makeup was truly remarkable. It used to be rare to bump into a member of a famous band, the same way it was to find Polio in the water, but here we are.”

Local Canuck Tim Thomson described his feelings about learning his heredity.

“Holy geez! I was a bit shocked when I found out about my musical ancestry, but then I kind of remembered being in a band during my boozy college days, and it turns out that band was Broken Social Scene,” said Thomson. “Everyone always jokes that half the country was in the group at some point, and in my case that was actually true! Turns out my wife was also in the band, so was our dentist, and the same with our Labradoodle, which explains where our pooch Stanley was when he went missing for a week last summer before eventually coming home with a tambourine in his mouth.”

Founding member of the band, Kevin Drew, explained how this was only the beginning of their grand plan.

“It’s no coincidence that we have so many members,” began Drew who was in the middle of onboarding a busload of new musicians. “Today it’s Canada, tomorrow The States, and next week we’ll rule the entire world! There’s a reason why we’re always recruiting new members at a rate the US army could only dream of. We’ve set up hundreds of indie farm systems around North America that act as feeder leagues for us, which will ensure our DNA not only takes over the earth but also one day the universe.”

At press time, Elections Canada announced that membership in the band now comprised the largest and most powerful voting bloc in most provinces.

Pitchfork List of “100 Greatest Songs About Being a Little Teapot” Somehow Ranks “I’m a Little Teapot” #2

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NEW YORK — Pitchfork’s ever popular yearly list of Greatest Songs About Being a Little Teapot reportedly made the debatable choice to rank “I’m a Little Teapot (Short and Stout)” at number two, insider sources confirmed.

“Look, I know it might be a controversial ranking, but our readers look to Pitchfork for hot takes, and this is one of the hottest takes you could ever have,” said staff writer Linda Bemmelman. “While we’re not discounting the validity of ‘I’m a Little Teapot (Short and Stout),’ one must keep in mind that it’s a very mainstream hit, whereas we pride ourselves on being part of the music journalism’s vanguard…so we had to give that top spot to the rare Strawberry Alarm Clock 1966 B-side ‘The Teeny, Tiny Teapot Is Little Ol’ Me-pot.’”

Though some of Pitchfork’s readership was stunned, most were simply perplexed that such a niche list continues to exist.

“It’s honestly nuts that list goes up year after year. I can name maybe two songs about being a teapot, tops,” said longtime Pitchfork reader Brittany Wartwell. “I was maybe going to say the title song from ‘Beauty and the Beast’ was my personal favorite choice, but it turns out that one doesn’t even count since it’s just sung by a teapot, not about the experience of being one…I’ll be frank with you, every time they put this list out, I think about making the switch to becoming a Stereogum gal.”

Most troubled by the verdict was Clarence Z. Kelley III, the only living descendant of one-half of the original composition team behind the classic song.

“A second place ranking is not only a slap in my face, but it’s a slap in the face of my ancestors who worked day and night to compose ‘I’m a Little Teapot,’” said an enraged Kelley. “You think you just come up with the idea to rhyme stout with spout in a week’s time? It took months…years even!”

“And speaking of even, that’s just what I intend to get…even with Pitchfork,” Kelley added, sinisterly. “And we’ll clear the good name of my family’s legacy. It’s not just tea that’s gonna be boiling…it’ll be blood.”

At press time, a drunken Kelley III was reportedly even more “steamed up” to the point where others “heard him shout,” which led to a rather violent “tipping over” and an inadvertent “pouring pee out.”

We Dropped Our Tarot Cards in the Toilet, That Can’t Be Good

Posted on by Max Barth

Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. We just dropped our tarot cards in the toilet bowl. That can’t be a good sign. Can it? I mean, we’re new to reading these things but we’re pretty sure the last step isn’t “drop into toilet water because you’re lazy and decided to do this at work.”

Did we just curse ourselves?

Maybe it’s ok. It was an accident, by the way. We weren’t trying to do this. That’s what we’ll have to tell the plumber (who is on the way) because boy-oh-boy did these magical cards clog the toilet. Probably because of their prophetic energies.

Plus, a little stream of water launched by the bidet post-incident was almost a triumphant, celebratory kind of thing! Wow. What a way to re-contextualize it. Way to go, team! Just like the, uh, tower card says: Do or do not, there is no try. Or the maiden. Is there a maiden card? We’ll never know because the whole deck is ruined. Goddamn it.

Here’s what we’ll tell the boss, ok? We were informed of a “water systems emergency” by a customer and had to attend to it. Upon arriving at the scene, we discovered the still-unidentified customer had left various items within the toilet which we proceeded to attempt to dislodge. We failed. That’s a good story, right? That tracks? Will they believe it? We would ask the cards, but they’re soiled. Does anyone have a coin we could flip? From everything we’ve learned about reading these fucking cards, a coin is basically the same thing.

We Sit Down Naked With Our 8th Grade English Teacher Because We’re Trapped in This Lucid Dream

Posted on by Dom Turek

The right teacher can have a profound impact on children during their adolescence, so we decided to catch up with our favorite eighth-grade English teacher and see what she’s been up to for the last 18 years because we can’t escape this illusory realm.

The Hard Times: Ms. M! It’s been a long time. How are things going? 
Ms. McGarry: Things would be much better if these spiders stopped coming out of my belly button. Would you like a glass of warm pineapple juice? I just made some. 

Um, no, I’m good, thanks. I think ill just get an iced coffee once I wake up. What’s on the syllabus for this year? 
Never mind that. Do you see the small silver box in the back of the room? Go and grab it for me. 

Uh, sure, no problem. Are you still teaching “Lord of the Flies?” I remember that was one of my favorite books from the required reading list. 
We’ll get to that in a minute. Open the box. 

Alright. It’s just a bunch of teeth and a post-it note with some numbers scribbled on it. 
Read off the numbers.

I don’t see how this has to do with the sylla… 
I said read the numbers

Okay, Jesus Christ, just back up and put down the knife. It says 122531. 
[maniacal laughter] 

What’s so funny?
[wheezing laughter] 

What’s so fucking funny? 
That’s the date you’re going to die. You’re going to die on Christmas!

Fuck this. I thought lucid dreaming was supposed to help me access untapped portals of creativity or at least give me a greater sense of control for when I have night terrors, but this shit sucks even worse than a regular nightmare. What time is it, anyway? All the numbers on the clock have been replaced with zodiac symbols. How long have I been here? 
You’ve always been here. I should know, sir. I’ve always been here.

Now you’re just reciting lines from “The Shining.”
You’re not prepared!

Sopranos.
Have you ever seen a portal?

Donnie Darko? I think it’s time to wrap this up and see if I can find someone to help me turn this seahorse back into my penis. Good luck with the Fall semester. 

Leaked “Stranger Things 5” Soundtrack Leads to GG Allin’s “Suck My Ass It Smells” Charting for First Time Ever

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — GG Allin’s 1988 song “Suck My Ass It Smells” landed at number seven on international pop charts following a leaked email containing all the songs from the soundtrack of the next season of “Stranger Things,” multiple disgusted sources confirmed.

“Each season of the show is getting a little bit darker, and we wanted that reflected in our music choices,” said Matt Duffer, one half of the creative team behind “Stranger Things.” “Season one we had The Clash, last season we had Metallica, but these kids have been through a lot and they are obviously more jaded. We felt it made sense that they would want to listen to music about shooting junk, eating shit, and self-mutilation. I don’t want to give too much away, but Dustin actually gets sprayed with diarrhea twice this season and GG Allin is the perfect soundtrack for that.”

Sadie Sink, who plays Max Mayfield, was instrumental in getting GG Allin on the soundtrack.

“In real life I would never listen to Kate Bush, she’s boring as hell. I grew up listening to bands like Anal Cunt, Regurgitate, and Cock and Ball Torture,” said Sink while playing a copy of Cripple Bastard’s “Almost Human” on her turntable. “I pushed for more extreme music to be added to the show. We can’t just have another season of nostalgia baiting, we need to push the limits a little bit. I want the characters on the show to be more comfortable with shitting in public, and I want the characters to constantly threaten to kill themselves on stage. It’s the only way the show can evolve.”

Critics were surprised to see the offensive song becoming such a hit with Gen Z content creators.

“Almost immediately after the leak the hashtag #suckmyassitsmells was trending and we had hundreds of Tiktok videos of people doing the ‘Suck My Ass Challenge’ where you smear shit on your walls and cut your forehead open with a broken bottle,” said culture critic Davis Powell. “Some of them are pretty funny, like when a parent catches their teenager in the act and basically has a nervous breakdown on camera. There was one where a dad fainted and hit his head on the toilet, I shared it with everyone I knew and I heard the guy ended up in a coma. So random.”

“Stranger Things 5” is expected to debut on Netflix in early 2034.

Andy Dick Shocked When Emmys “In Memoriam” Segment Displays Date of His Impending Death

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

LOS ANGELES — Comedian/actor Andy Dick was mortified to see his name displayed during the Emmys “In Memoriam” segment despite being still somewhat alive, sources reluctantly close to Dick confirmed.

“I had to watch the ceremony at the Best Buy because I haven’t been invited back to the Emmys since that once incident where I pinned down a caterer and did cocaine off his nipples. The little brat tried to sue me, whatever, I should have done more cocaine off of him in court,” said Dick from the backseat of his car. “Anyway, I find it insulting that these old farts think I’m dead and plan to take legal action against the Academy. I’ve called maybe a hundred lawyers in LA, but they all said they wouldn’t stoop to representing me. Not even Ted Bundy’s lawyer wants me. I mean that was a real kick in the old butthole if you catch my drift.”

Millions of semi-interested viewers were unfazed by news of Dick’s impending death, least of which the actor’s primary care physician, Dr. Martin Osbourne.

“He is one of the most unhealthy people I’ve treated,” lamented Osbourne. “Not just the drugs, other weird things. His body is riddled with diseases only found in fish and rodents. He regularly eats condoms full of dog excrement, or Hollywood Hot Dogs as he calls them. His genitals are deformed and rotting from years of aggressive masturbation. Hell, I’ve slowly been poisoning him for years. I shouldn’t be telling you any of this cuz of confidentiality and stuff, but fuck that guy. I’ll always blame him for Phil Hartman’s death.”

The personification of death, the Grim Reaper, admitted he was the one that Dick would meet his demise shortly.

“It’s been a long time coming honestly,” admitted the Grim Reaper. “I was supposed to get this guy back in the mid-’90s, but he’s such an asshole I’ve just been putting it off. Every year I rent a breakout room and schedule a sit-down with the In Memoriam segment producers just to make sure all the details are right. We had a few drinks, and I must’ve let it slip that I was finally gonna get Dick. And they just lit up. They must have put it in to give people something to look forward to.”

Currently, a petition is circulating with over 100 million signatures advocating for the date of Dick’s death to be expedited as soon as possible.

This Next One Goes Out to Everyone Who Said I Wouldn’t Make It- It’s Called “You Were All Correct”

Posted on by John Danek

Thank you, thank you, sir. Thanks for coming out tonight and supporting my music.

This next song is very special. It addresses the haters. It addresses my motherfucking critics. It’s for the naysayers who said one man with a 1980’s drum machine, one accordion, and three Boss Metal Zone pedals would fail.

This next one is dedicated to everyone who said I couldn’t or wouldn’t make it! The song is called “You Were All Correct.” God dammit, you were all so right. I should have listened. But it’s too late to change now.

I’ve burned all my bridges in my pursuit of music and haven’t looked back. Let me just say – that was a huge mistake.

Sure, I’ve played gigs to dozens and dozens of fans, if you count bar staff. But the haters won’t acknowledge that. They’ll say things like “Those were expensive pay-to-play gigs and you are in the hole financially.” And they will be correct. I am on a first-name basis with my Capital One Bank debt collector.

But what the doubters didn’t realize is that no one can stop me! Not even I can stop me. I wish I could. I’m just so, so darn stubborn. I could get a degree in library sciences or nutrition. But no, I am doomed to play these songs that I don’t even like to people who accidentally thought they were going to see Ed Sheeran because my name is Ed Sheenan. Sorry, sir. You really should have known Ed Sheeran wouldn’t be playing the Bakersfield VFW on a Monday night.

But if you want to sing along to this incredibly defiant song, the chorus is “I am so stupid for not listening to you, I’ve thrown my life away. Please let me back into your life in any capacity, I realize you simply cared about me. I’m sorry for shitting in your mailbox.” You’ll figure out the melody and timing. I can’t even really do it the same way twice, because I am so deeply untalented at music. Okay, let’s hit it!

Gang of Musical Theater Kids About to Ruin Entire Bar’s Karaoke Night

Posted on by Mike Civins

NEW YORK — A pack of annoyingly talented musical theater kids are reportedly moments away from completely ruining local neighborhood bar McCormick’s monthly karaoke night, anxious sources confirmed.

“From the second I heard them doing vocal warmups I knew we were in trouble,” said McCormick’s regular and occasional karaoke participant Richard “Ricky G” Galmenti who just completed a twelve-hour shift at a medical supply warehouse. “Some of us just want to bust out our sloppy standby renditions of Weezer’s ‘Say It Ain’t So’ or Tears for Fears’ ‘Mad World,’ but now we gotta sit through hours of Broadway standards before we get a chance. And the way they grabbed every available songbook and frantically wrote in their song choices makes me think it’ll be at least three hours before we’ll get to hear old Seany Mac’s jäger-fueled rendition of ‘The Humpty Dance’ which I’m pretty sure is the only song he knows.”

McCormick’s patrons quickly noticed a leader among the hammy horde shouting notes and stage direction at her peers.

“We’re going to give these blue-collar slobs a show to remember!” announced Evalyn So, an aspiring starlet and current Juilliard applicant. “These backwater country rubes are going to get the white hot thrill of Broadway they came here for. Hopefully the karaoke choreography we’ve been practicing all week will pay off tonight.”

Employees of the bar knew they were in the middle of a hostile karaoke takeover when they saw the musical theater kids had brought their own costumes.

“Once you see the bowler hats and canes, you know what you’re in for,” explained bartender and occasional karaoke host Claire “Claire All Night” Langston. “I wish my regulars could feel comfortable belting out Toto ‘Africa’ or blowing off a little steam with some Britney [Spears], but those theater kids just stare at you like dead-eyed funeral crows until you slink off the stage and it’s their turn for ‘Hello Dolly.’ But on the other hand, we can’t exactly kick them out for terrible choices in karaoke songs or else I would have the minute I heard the term ‘stage right’ come out of their mouths.”

At press time, tensions had escalated with the musical theater kids channeling “West Side Story” in an attempt to dance-fight the confused bar regulars who were wondering why McCormick’s had only one dartboard.

Heroic Gatekeepers Manage to Contain Dangerous New Subgenre

Posted on by Scott Murray

ATLANTA — A group of heroic gatekeepers came together to stop the spread of a new subgenre of hardcore music that was close to gaining acceptance within the scene, according to sources that just wanted to try something a little different.

“It’s never been easier to share your music with the world, and that’s why it’s so dangerous,” said musician and concerned resident and self-appointed containment officer, Steve Cole. “Thanks to the internet and technology, in just five minutes you can compromise an entire scene by unleashing an infectious new subgenre on people. We’ve been working really hard to keep this PoxCore thing within a small radius, everyone does their part. For example, last week when a new track came on in my car I rolled up my windows up to protect others. It’s not easy on a 100-degree day, but it was a good reminder to get my A/C fixed!”

Fellow gatekeeper Benny Whipple takes a more radical approach, risking his life to eradicate the sound from the inside by attending every show in the region.

“You just wouldn’t get it. And you wouldn’t want to either,” says Whipple, a soldier against the unpalatable sound that threatens to destroy hardcore punk through an infusion of bavarian polka music. “Any time I catch a band experimenting with an accordion I get right up on stage and smash the thing, it’s just too dangerous! Last week I camped out at the airport all night so I could burn a shipment of lederhosen before it could leave the tarmac.”

The commitment of a chosen few to eradicate an emerging sound is nothing new, according to music historian Jessica Bowles.

“The music ecosystem is surprisingly fragile, you never know when something truly awful is going to show up and destroy a cherished community scene. Pretentious idiots have always been vital to ensuring terrible music gets forgotten. They unknowingly work together to battle the spread, which in turn stops these trends from reaching impressionable preteens” says Bowles. “People tend to downplay tragic moments in scene history, but those of us who survived the CrunkCore epidemic of 2009 still carry those scars today in photos of bad haircuts, and for an unfortunate few, Brokencyde tattoos.”

At press time members of the community were dispatched to local venues to run “phone checks” on teenagers leaving DIY venues.