Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Review: Rise Against: “Nowhere Generation”

Posted on October 26, 2022 by James Knapp

This week we were excited to take a look at Rise Against’s “Nowhere Generation,” which Loudwire ranked as the 42nd best rock/metal album of 2021, but we aren’t going to just take Loudwire’s fucking word for it.

Wait a minute. 42nd? How the hell long was that list? Are you fucking kidding Loudwire? Is it really a “best of the year” list if you just rank literally every fucking record that came out that year?

How about, oh we don’t know, top 10? Top 20 if you’re feeling saucy. Man, you guys must have really been trying to pad your word count on that one. Otherwise you’re getting some sort of kickbacks from the whole of, like, not even a specific industry but just the whole of music as a sort of broad concept. So which is it?

And how did Rise Against end up all the way in 42nd? Even taking into account that 2021 was a pretty lonely year, and pretty much everyone recorded their own album, it was still only one year after all. Did you assholes really dig through literally every shitty Soundcloud melodic hardcore band to write this fucking “best of” list?

What if we ranked the top 42 best meat lovers’ calzones we ate in our neighbor’s bathtub in 2021? Would that be a good list for you? Because that’s basically what you have done here with this clickbait monstrosity you call a best of.

You’re like a real music media company, Loudwire. You need to get your shit together and knock off this bush league nonsense like writing music journalism as fucking listicles. Especially if you’re doing that shitty thing where the reader has to click on every single item in the list and then a new page has to load so you get like 42 fucking page views for one garbage article, then you guys are fuckers.

In fact, just for this list we’re turning things around and giving “Nowhere Generation” our highest score ever.

SCORE: 42 out of 42 fuck yous to Loudwire

Crowd Suspicious of Doom Metal Band With Zero Bearded Members

Posted on October 25, 2022 by Chris Bowen

DETROIT — Crowd members attending a show headline by doom metal band Wretched Wizard questioned the band’s authenticity when they noticed their lack of long scraggly facial hair, several burnt out sources report.

“Once the smoke machine calmed down and we could see what the band actually looked like, I, like many, had a couple questions,” said doom metal fan Angela Green while opening her Chipotle burrito. “Like, first of all, why would a band with ‘wizard’ in the name have no members with long white beards? Also, not one person in the band was overweight, these guys looked like they jog for fun. I was under the impression that doom bands need at least one fat guy. At one point, I thought they could have been Mormons or maybe even undercover cops or something. However, I don’t think any cop or Mormon would smoke weed from a real human skull mid-set like that.”

Wretched Wizard guitarist Brian Gonzalez explained the band’s history of confusion in the doom metal scene.

“No matter what city or state we play, we always get the same funny looks and confused stares,” Gonzalez said. “Many times, people don’t just question our doom metaldom, they are just straight-up bullies to us. Comments like, ‘Oh look, it’s Babyface Sabbath!’ and ‘Get off the stage, no-weird-beard!’ One time when we played Baltimore, our bassist’s fake ZZ Top beard came off right in the middle of our set. Now we’re too embarrassed to book anything in the entire state of Maryland because of that.”

Doom metal expert George Brennan weighed in on how some doom bands have run into similar issues in the past.

“In order for a proper doom metal to remain beardless and still pull off the doom aesthetic, they need to get creative and make up for it, “Brennan said while fiddling with his cross necklace. “Back in the ‘80s, premier Swedish doom metallers Candlemass totally mastered the genre with not a single beard on their faces. Not one person was suspicious however because they made up for it by having a poofy-haired guy in a monk cloak stomping around on stage. That’s arguably more doom than having a shitty beard.”

At press time, Wretched Wizard’s singer was seen walking into a barbershop restroom with a big bag of cut hair and a tube of model glue.

Hey, Did You Listen to the 76 Hours Worth of Podcasts I Recommended Yet?

Posted on October 25, 2022 by Dave McNamara

I know you’re super busy working two jobs and getting your real estate license in your free time, so I’ll be quick. Did you get a chance to listen to the 76 hours of podcasts I recommended to you last week?

Let’s start with “Book Crusher.” It’s the one hosted by those two former CrossFit trainers who read heavy-duty novels and tell you how to talk about them at bars and parties. I learned the characters in “Gravity’s Rainbow” and “Satanic Verses” and I swear I’ve gotten laid like four times since. So what do you think about Bo and Chase’s first dozen or so episodes? You didn’t get to them? Oh. I guess there was no traffic this week, ha!

No worries! Next up we got “Ummmm, Actually…” This is the one hosted by a dude that took three semesters of Philosophy at Yale. He contradicts popular social justice movements with his own ideas and opinions. You didn’t listen to that one either?? But each episode is only ten minutes long! You can get through every episode in like two weeks, tops.

You had to have checked out “Splatter Files.” Just look at the title! It’s the internet’s best gore podcast. No plot. No investigation. Just graphic details of wounds. Come on!

Look, I know you’re crazy overworked right now. But, if I’m being honest, this feels personal. I just find it hard to believe you can’t squeeze in a measly four days of podcasting. Just put it on in the background!

Are You a Real Black Flag Fan, or Do You Just Like the T-shirt, the Music, and the Meaning Behind the Songs?

Posted on October 25, 2022 by Harry Valentine

Hey everybody, look at this poser in the Black Flag t-shirt! Real original, asswipe. Did you get it at Target, in the Goodfellow and Company section? Probably did, because Goodfellow and Co. is the Target brand for men’s clothes so yeah, I bet. Check the tag for GF&C, you fake-ass corporate faker.

Oh, it doesn’t have a tag, because you made it yourself in 1984? Whoa, okay. That explains the classic, worn-in look.

Well, big fucking deal, man. Do you think that makes you a real fan? Hardly. Being a Black Flag fan is about more than a fan-made piece of merch. Being a real fan isn’t about whatever iconography leaks out into the world to get co-opted by you normies; it’s about the hard-driving hardcore songs that defined a genre. Quick, name three Black Flag songs.

Wow, you did that REALLY quickly.

I mean, quick for a fake fan. “TV Party,” “Rise Above,” and “Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie”? You couldn’t be more obvious, probably just naming the three top songs on the Apple Music app. Not even the top three from the Spotify app, which wouldn’t be much better, but would for some reason be a little better. What about pre-Rollins? I bet you couldn’t — what’s that, “Nervous Breakdown”? Is that not Circle Jerks? No, no, you’re right.

Shit!

Whatever. Now that I think about it, anyone can musically appreciate Black Flag. That’s not what being a true fan is about. Being a true fan is loving the meaning behind the songs, and Black Flag songs are about rebellion, about fighting authority. So if you don’t wear your anarchism like a badge of honor, then you’re just a mindless foot-tapper who likes the tunes more than — damn, is that an ACAB tattoo inside of an anarchy tattoo? You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Those don’t look temporary either. Is that stick and poke?

Not like it matters. You think you’re a real fan just because you love the t-shirt, the music, and the meaning behind the songs, but it’s much more than that.

So what makes a real fan?

Seeing 100 live performances? Playing in a Black Flag cover band? Hating their most popular music? Being a moderator on r/hardcore? Making an unauthorized documentary? The answer is simple, and I’ll tell you. You just have to tell me first which of those don’t apply to you, please.

Punk Company Gives One Week of Paid Medical Leave to Employees Breaking in New Doc Martens

Posted on October 25, 2022 by Zach Hudson

OMAHA, Neb. — Punk-owned pomade company Skankin’ Slick received widespread praise for a policy giving all employees one week of paid medical leave to break in their new Doc Marten boots, sources now out $180 confirm.

“The health and wellness of our employees has always been my top priority,” said Founder and CEO Dan Green. “I was inspired to make this decision after purchasing a pair of Doc Marten Vegan 2967 Felix Chelsea Boots. I wore them on a walk to the office because my car was impounded, and for the rest of the day my feet were so torn up I had to cancel all my meetings. I took the whole week off after that. It occurred to me then–if I’m going to do this, I have to give my staff the ability to do the same.”

Long-time staff member Hillary McPatten says that the policy has not only boosted company morale, but also drastically improved turnover rate.

“It’s a pretty sweet gig. I work in packaging and I’m on my feet all day, and there’s no way I can do my job properly while wearing a fresh pair of Docs,” said McPatten while lounging on her futon. “Dan also doesn’t have a limit on how many times a year you take advantage of this policy. I’m taking all of next week off to break in my sixth pair this year.”

While Green has been looked at as a leader in workplace benefits by other punk-owned businesses, others have been critical of his policies, especially Doc Marten executive Mark Craig, who once called Green a “little bitch” on record.

“I’m really starting to get sick of this guy,” said Craig while ignoring Green’s phone calls. “He’s been trying to bill us for the time he gives his staff off for years. We’re not an insurance company. We are one of the most popular footwear companies in the world. Just put some bandaids on your heels, get a pair of socks that aren’t full of holes, and you’ll be fine.”

At press time, sources report that Green had taken the entire month off to break in the full Doc Martens Fall collection.

Cop Brags That Rage Against The Machine Did Entire Song About Him and His Friends

Posted on October 24, 2022 by Tony Morse

LOS ANGELES — Veteran Los Angeles Police Officer Sergeant David Lancaster came forward as the inspiration for Rage Against the Machine’s 1992 hit, “Killing in the Name,” utterly unsurprised sources confirmed.

“I was at the bar and got stuck listening to some broad talk about how she wished Taylor Swift would do a song about her, so I thought I might be able to impress her with my little secret,” boasted Sergeant Lancaster. “A while back my Lieutenant had me handle security at a Klan rally in case any commies showed up to complain. He thought I’d be good since I knew all the guys throwing the event from around the precinct. Just as I was about to kick off the ceremonial cross burning some kid started yelling at me about being a racist, I grabbed my baton and started swinging. Well, it turns out that kid was the punk-ass singer of Rage Against the Machine and the rest is history.”

Rage Against the Machine continues to reach new fans decades after their formation, some of whom hope to inspire the band as well.

“Had I not discovered ‘Evil Empire,’ I never would’ve become a venture capitalist,” remarked Silicon Valley finance bro Tad Halverson. I was struggling to find purpose until I heard ‘Down Rodeo.’ I mean, ‘fuck the g-ride, I want the machines that are making them’ are lyrics that really slap, you know? And shit, that other song that goes, ‘I’ll jail and bury those committed and smother the rest in greed,’ makes clear that Zach and the guys really understand a courageous entrepreneur’s spirit. Speaking of, I’m pitching Elon on an idea that I really hope gets mentioned on the next Rage album. It’s that good!”

Band members seemed glad their music remained part of social discourse but struggled to understand how some fans were connecting with it.

“I guess we need to stop being so ambiguous with our image and message,” said guitarist Tom Morello. “Zach actually wanted to call the band ‘Cops and Capitalism Will Fucking Kill Us,’ but the rest of us said we didn’t need to overstate the obvious, but I’m starting to regret that. Only a small handful of people seem to actually understand the messages behind the lyrics, most just blast the songs in their Jeep while driving drunk.”

Sergeant Lancaster spent the next few hours at the bar explaining the differences between the Nazi and KKK salutes.

New Simpsons Prediction? Hans Moleman Just Looked Directly into Camera and Said “May 12, 2024” Before Taking His Own Life

Posted on October 24, 2022 by Patrick Coyne

Ay Caramba! Did “The Simpsons” again predict the future? One eagle-eyed viewer believes he spotted a truly unnerving and possibly earth-shattering new prediction in a recent episode, featuring everyone’s favorite bespectacled geriatric Hans Moleman.

“There’s a running joke of Hans Moleman getting killed, so I didn’t think anything of it when he placed a noose around his neck,” explained fan Todd Early. “But then he looked right down the barrel of the camera and whispered ‘May 12, 2024’ before kicking the stool out from underneath his feet. Moleman just hung there struggling to breathe until his body went limp and a small stream of urine trickled down his pant leg. Then they cut to commercial. After that, the show just went back to Homer working as a data analyst or whatever the hell the B story was that week.”

While some believe these so-called predictions are simply the result of the show’s longevity, others, like AV Club writer Susan Morehouse, believe the May 12th date points to some kind of global catastrophe.

“Have you seen that movie ‘The Number 23’? Yeah, me neither. However, based on the IMDB synopsis, I believe that is what’s happening to me with ‘May 12th,’” said Morehouse. “I’ve spent dozens of hours examining any historical reference to the date hoping for some kind of clue as to what it may mean. Will a typhoon hit the coast of Australia? The death of Jimmy Carter? The day Matt Groening finally says ‘enough’s enough’ and stops churning out crappy ‘Simpson’s’ merchandise? I must know the truth.”

When reached for comment, “The Simpsons” showrunner Matt Selman claimed they have no insight into the meaning behind the Moleman scene.

“Even the most hardcore fans are unaware that from the beginning of the show we’ve had a shaman, voodoo high priest, or some kind of clairvoyant join the writer’s staff. The first of whom was John Swartzwelder,” said showrunner Matt Selman. “The whole idea was Sam Simon’s. Apparently, he was running a 102-degree fever in 1989 and received a vision from, as he puts it, ‘God, a demon, or an alien being of pure light.’”

Looks like we’ll just have to wait to find out whether the ominous date means the birth of a new world order, a nuclear holocaust, or maybe just like a new piece of consumer technology.

Update: Industry insiders are claiming that “Family Guy” is now currently writing their own crude version of the “May 12th” moment that is painfully unfunny and goes on way too long.

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Back in My Day, Liking Things Was Weird and Now I Can’t Find Any Happiness in My Adult Life

Posted on October 24, 2022 by Neel Bhakta

One day you’re a kid riding your bike to the park and the next you’re an adult on your knees pleading with God to show you a reason worth living for. Aging happens to all of us. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found I cannot find a single ounce of joy in any aspect of my life. Upon reflection, and with the wisdom of age, I realized this is all because liking things would have gotten me bullied when I was younger.

I remember the first time I expressed interest in something. I was in preschool and I told everyone my favorite color was blue. I was viciously ridiculed until nap time. And again at snack when my teacher gave me all blue M&Ms.

Then, when I finally was old enough to go to shows, I remember being so excited to see my favorite band perform live. I wore the band’s merch and made a sign and everything. I was still naive though, thinking there was still some jubilation in the world I could cling to with all my might. It was crushed a second later when the bouncer took my sign and threw it like a frisbee. Then he told me to go inside and said he’d beat my ass if I tried enjoying myself.

That was the last time I let myself like something. Now I’m old and depressed. This new generation of kids has it so easy now, with their conscious understanding of mental health issues and supportive peers who encourage others to find happiness in their lives. They don’t have some kid in your ear calling you names like “Chronic Poop” because you said you kinda liked that one song from Sonic Youth.

James Corden Halts Carpool Karaoke Episode to Berate Staff at Drive-Thru

Posted on October 24, 2022 by Chris Jones

LOS ANGELES — English comedian and late-night talk show host James Corden reportedly ruined a Carpool Karaoke episode by having a temper tantrum during a skit at a drive-thru, confirmed sources who don’t get paid enough to deal with this type of shit.

“I was having a typical day working the McDonald’s drive-thru when Corden rolled up and ordered in song like one of those annoying TikTok videos,” explained nineteen-year-old employee Chase Kawecki. “He shouted, ‘Filet-O-Fish? Oh how delish! Make my fries crisp and nice — or prepare to pay the price!’ So I just entered what I thought he meant, which apparently was wrong because he flipped the fuck out screaming that I’m useless. I guess he wanted a cheeseburger, but he threatened to have my entire family beaten and put in jail. He can fuck off.”

The episode’s guest, nice guy of music comedy Weird Al, reportedly tried to play off Corden’s behavior as a joke.

“One minute we’re singing ‘Amish Paradise’ to pay respects to the late Coolio and the next he’s threatening to murder a teenager,” remarked Weird Al. “I tried my best to transition into an on-the-spot performance of my song ‘Trapped In the Drive-Thru’ to relieve the tension, but James wasn’t having any of it. He told me to shut the fuck up and made fun of my hair, I swear he was about to pull a knife on me. I hope James gets the help he needs to manage his anger, but honestly, he hurt me. I know I’m a goofy dude and all, but I have feelings too, ya know?”

Changing from his previous approach of apologizing for public meltdowns, Corden doubled down on defending his treatment of service workers.

“These lowlifes are getting paid nearly $20 an hour to bitch about flipping burgers. Their jobs are so easy, yet they still have the nerve to get surprised when I get upset that they can’t follow simple fucking directions,” fumed Corden. “And that street rat hasn’t heard the last of me. I’ll have you know I’m an appointed Officer of the Order of the British Empire, so I’ll be taking my complaints all the way up to Mr. Ronald McDonald himself until these peasants learn to treat me with respect.”

As of press time, James Corden is reportedly selling his California mansion to move back to the United Kingdom where his nobility is more recognized.

Aging Punk Still Trying to Get Entire Office to Call Them Snot

Posted on October 23, 2022 by Kevin Tit

GALLATIN, Tenn. — Aging Punk and Volunteer Insurance Co. shift supervisor, Braden Niles, entered his fourteenth year of trying to get the entire office to call him Snot, multiple employees confirm.

“I’m just trying to make it clear to everyone that I’m more than just my job,” Niles explained while spiking his hair in the bathroom mirror. “I’m a punk rocker first and foremost. This tie is just the noose I wear to pay the bills. People would realize that if they got to know Snot. Braden might rat on you for clocking in late or taking an extra long lunch break but Snot would never. Snot doesn’t give a fuck about the rules! Why is that so hard for people to understand?”

While few in the office adhere to the request an overwhelming majority have been vocal about their refusal to entertain it.

“Braden is always so desperate for attention and we’re all fucking sick of it,” said Senior Claims Adjuster Benjamin Farley. “I remember the first time I asked why he wanted us to call him Snot. Without hesitation he says ‘check it out!’ and does this yo-yo snot rocket that went all the way to the floor and right back up into his nose. Pretty sure a piece of food on the floor came back up with it and he just snorted it down. I puked all over the break room and somehow I was the one that ended up getting in trouble for it!”

Despite the many complaints filed by employees, the company’s H.R. department defended Niles on multiple accounts.

“We respect Snot’s request to be identified by that name as it is their right,” explains H.R.Team Leader, Tamara Cunningham. “However, some of their behavior has crossed the line. We can’t have people spraying bodily fluids around the workplace because then we’re dealing with a health hazard. We also had to speak with Snot about blasting his bands music in the lobby every time they record a new demo.”

At press time, Niles was seen spray painting “Snot Or Die” on the wall in the employee bathroom.

This week we were excited to take a look at Rise Against’s “Nowhere Generation,” which Loudwire ranked as the 42nd best rock/metal album of 2021, but we aren’t going to just take Loudwire’s fucking word for it.

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