Press "Enter" to skip to content

Cursed Amulet Doesn’t Go With Anything

MINNEAPOLIS — Frustrated local teen Amber Bronte complained to anyone who’ll listen, that the cursed amulet she unknowingly purchased at a haunted thrift store doesn’t go with anything in her wardrobe, confirmed multiple annoyed sources who mysteriously started aging rapidly.

“Ugh, total bummer. I thought I found the perfect piece to accentuate my neckline, only to learn it’s not only cursed, but tragically, it doesn’t match my vibe,” stated a disappointed Bronte shooing away the murder of crows which have been following her since she came into the item’s possession. “I was so stoked after I got that strange Eastern European man with eleven fingers to come down on the price of the amulet, but when I got home the stupid thing changed into an ugly crimson color which totally clashed with my natural color palette. Fuck my life.”

Bronte’s long-time friend Joanne Calderon expressed alarm that her friend wasn’t more concerned her soul was now doomed for eternity.

“Classic Amber,” explained Calderon, rolling her eyes. “She’s always missing the big picture of things so this isn’t really a surprise. You think she’d complain less about the necklace not going with her new H&M cardigan than the fact that she’s been visited nightly by a ghostly apparition imploring her to surrender to the power of Satan, but here we are. To be honest, being her friend is sometimes super exhausting. It reminds me of the time she had that monkey paw and tried making that a fashion accessory.”

Renowned folklore scholar Dr. Timothy Nilsson, described how our fashion-forward society has set a high bar with all types of accessories, even haunted ones.

“The rising cost of living has people wanting their paychecks to go as far as they can, even when it comes to maleficent jewelry,” said Dr. Nilsson. “Kids these days spend a lot of time and money on their personal brands, so a damned amulet better bring value to them, like its ability to turn heads at prom or its photo blowing up Instagram. Otherwise, it’s just another useless piece of junk, albeit one that has the power to offer them immortality in exchange for an everlasting blood oath to the Dark Lord himself. You know, pretty typical teenage stuff.”

At press time, Bronte was heard griping that the evil force festering inside her has caused the WIFI to go out before she could upload her daily fashion ‘hot take’ to her followers.